Dr. Martha Beck

But the moment I woke up, I was like, bring me the anesthesiologist, please. Actually, I couldn't stop crying for hours because I loved everyone so much. And I was just like, everybody that was there, there was a janitor. I was like, I love you so much. So they brought me the anesthesiologist, and he seemed terrified, which I didn't understand. Now I do.

He was afraid that he'd done something wrong. So I said, what did you give me? What are the side effects? What happens to people under this surgery? What goes on? And he said, just tell me what happened. And I said, what do you mean? And he said, well, I was going to give you more medication. And then a voice said, don't do that. She's crying because she's happy.

He was afraid that he'd done something wrong. So I said, what did you give me? What are the side effects? What happens to people under this surgery? What goes on? And he said, just tell me what happened. And I said, what do you mean? And he said, well, I was going to give you more medication. And then a voice said, don't do that. She's crying because she's happy.

And he said, I just listened to it and I don't know why. And he was like, did I do the right thing? And so I told him a little bit. It was still, I never thought I'd tell anyone this story. I have ended up telling it over and over. And the memory of it never fades at all. It's not like a typical memory.

And he said, I just listened to it and I don't know why. And he was like, did I do the right thing? And so I told him a little bit. It was still, I never thought I'd tell anyone this story. I have ended up telling it over and over. And the memory of it never fades at all. It's not like a typical memory.

And he said, do you know how many times this has happened to me in 33 years of giving people anesthesia? I said, how many? And he said, once. And then he gave me a kiss on the forehead and went away. So I don't think it was a drug effect.

And he said, do you know how many times this has happened to me in 33 years of giving people anesthesia? I said, how many? And he said, once. And then he gave me a kiss on the forehead and went away. So I don't think it was a drug effect.

Yeah, in any way. Like, not with my actions, not with even my facial expressions. And the reason was... I had heard the truth will set you free. I had studied so many wisdom traditions, looking everywhere for a reason not to commit suicide. I mean, I had really looked. I knew a lot of religious texts, philosophical texts. I had done my homework.

Yeah, in any way. Like, not with my actions, not with even my facial expressions. And the reason was... I had heard the truth will set you free. I had studied so many wisdom traditions, looking everywhere for a reason not to commit suicide. I mean, I had really looked. I knew a lot of religious texts, philosophical texts. I had done my homework.

And over and over and over and over it said, the truth will set you free. I was like, in Mormonism, they said the truth is what we've written down here. And it was bogus and phony. And I was like, no. But the light was there. far more true than anything else I'd ever experienced. It was far more real.

And over and over and over and over it said, the truth will set you free. I was like, in Mormonism, they said the truth is what we've written down here. And it was bogus and phony. And I was like, no. But the light was there. far more true than anything else I'd ever experienced. It was far more real.

So I was like, okay, if truth takes me there, and it told me, not verbally, but it said, look, you've been thinking that you could kill yourself and feel better. And I am telling you that you are meant to learn to feel this way, the way you feel with me now. when you're alive, always. So go and do that. And what I really did was I made, it wasn't even a choice. It was an absolute obsession.

So I was like, okay, if truth takes me there, and it told me, not verbally, but it said, look, you've been thinking that you could kill yourself and feel better. And I am telling you that you are meant to learn to feel this way, the way you feel with me now. when you're alive, always. So go and do that. And what I really did was I made, it wasn't even a choice. It was an absolute obsession.

I would not live in such a way that I was not conscious of the presence of that light. And that meant every time I lied, you felt how weak you got when you just said something that wasn't true. I felt it withdraw. Or myself, you can't withdraw from it. It's everywhere, I believe. But I felt myself less conscious of it. And I was like, okay, that's not going to work.

I would not live in such a way that I was not conscious of the presence of that light. And that meant every time I lied, you felt how weak you got when you just said something that wasn't true. I felt it withdraw. Or myself, you can't withdraw from it. It's everywhere, I believe. But I felt myself less conscious of it. And I was like, okay, that's not going to work.

So I decided what I'm going to do is I'm just going to say what's real, do what's real. If a thought comes in that feels like it's pulling me away from that light, I will question that thought. It can't be real. It doesn't set me free. Bring me into that. I'm going to just investigate everything until I find what feels truest to me.

So I decided what I'm going to do is I'm just going to say what's real, do what's real. If a thought comes in that feels like it's pulling me away from that light, I will question that thought. It can't be real. It doesn't set me free. Bring me into that. I'm going to just investigate everything until I find what feels truest to me.

Knowing, by the way, that, as one of my favorite Indian sages says, the only true statement the mind can make is, I do not know. Because we could be dreaming all this. We could be fed misinformation. We could be deep faked. I don't know anything. I mean, with this little monkey brain.

Knowing, by the way, that, as one of my favorite Indian sages says, the only true statement the mind can make is, I do not know. Because we could be dreaming all this. We could be fed misinformation. We could be deep faked. I don't know anything. I mean, with this little monkey brain.

But in Asia, they have this concept of don't know mind, where the mind is wide open and not clenched around anything. And then you can experience a sort of, it's the humility of surrendering your primacy, the primacy of human intelligence, to something so much bigger. And still being human and having that be a good thing, but just not mistaking it for godhood.