Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor

Now, notice that the information is the same. Oh, no, they're gone is something we have to learn. And one way we learn that is protesting and trying to prove that they're not gone. And. the acknowledgement, the accepting that they are gone. Now, we don't often think of despair as having a purpose, but what's interesting is in this moment, despair has the function of

of stopping us from searching. And searching is physically very costly. The amount of energy it takes to create the blood pressure and the cortisol to reach out like that. And so that despair does actually have a function. That withdrawal is for good reason, but many people are terrified of feeling despair.

of stopping us from searching. And searching is physically very costly. The amount of energy it takes to create the blood pressure and the cortisol to reach out like that. And so that despair does actually have a function. That withdrawal is for good reason, but many people are terrified of feeling despair.

of stopping us from searching. And searching is physically very costly. The amount of energy it takes to create the blood pressure and the cortisol to reach out like that. And so that despair does actually have a function. That withdrawal is for good reason, but many people are terrified of feeling despair.

Some people are terrified of feeling protest as well and just avoid any thoughts or reminders in any way. But here's the thing. Despair isn't the end of the story either. And this is not a stage model. These are responses we have over and over again as we're trying to understand this new world we're living in. But despair leaves out hope.

Some people are terrified of feeling protest as well and just avoid any thoughts or reminders in any way. But here's the thing. Despair isn't the end of the story either. And this is not a stage model. These are responses we have over and over again as we're trying to understand this new world we're living in. But despair leaves out hope.

Some people are terrified of feeling protest as well and just avoid any thoughts or reminders in any way. But here's the thing. Despair isn't the end of the story either. And this is not a stage model. These are responses we have over and over again as we're trying to understand this new world we're living in. But despair leaves out hope.

Despair says they are really gone, and because they're never coming back, I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life. And that's not true either, right? We know that you can have grief. You can grow a life that restores meaning and that you do have other connections with people. I wouldn't say replacing, but I would say adding because now you know what it means to love someone.

Despair says they are really gone, and because they're never coming back, I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life. And that's not true either, right? We know that you can have grief. You can grow a life that restores meaning and that you do have other connections with people. I wouldn't say replacing, but I would say adding because now you know what it means to love someone.

Despair says they are really gone, and because they're never coming back, I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life. And that's not true either, right? We know that you can have grief. You can grow a life that restores meaning and that you do have other connections with people. I wouldn't say replacing, but I would say adding because now you know what it means to love someone.

You know what it means to forgive and all those things you learned with your loved one. You can now love others as well. Or... For some people, it isn't about creating new relationships. It's about having a transcendent experience. Now I can love. nature or I can love God because I was taught how to do it by having this connection with this one vitally important person in my life.

You know what it means to forgive and all those things you learned with your loved one. You can now love others as well. Or... For some people, it isn't about creating new relationships. It's about having a transcendent experience. Now I can love. nature or I can love God because I was taught how to do it by having this connection with this one vitally important person in my life.

You know what it means to forgive and all those things you learned with your loved one. You can now love others as well. Or... For some people, it isn't about creating new relationships. It's about having a transcendent experience. Now I can love. nature or I can love God because I was taught how to do it by having this connection with this one vitally important person in my life.

Or even now I know how to care for myself. I know how to love and care for and forgive and appreciate myself because my loved one taught me how to do that. This is what I mean about there's no normative outcome. Those are four very different life trajectories after the loss of someone that can all fulfill our attachment needs.

Or even now I know how to care for myself. I know how to love and care for and forgive and appreciate myself because my loved one taught me how to do that. This is what I mean about there's no normative outcome. Those are four very different life trajectories after the loss of someone that can all fulfill our attachment needs.

Or even now I know how to care for myself. I know how to love and care for and forgive and appreciate myself because my loved one taught me how to do that. This is what I mean about there's no normative outcome. Those are four very different life trajectories after the loss of someone that can all fulfill our attachment needs.

Yes. And I will say there is even some proof of that. Or I think of it as proof in the following way. So you are correct that the no-go, it's not that there's no cost with no-go. You are correct. So it does stop us from the type of go which is searching.

Yes. And I will say there is even some proof of that. Or I think of it as proof in the following way. So you are correct that the no-go, it's not that there's no cost with no-go. You are correct. So it does stop us from the type of go which is searching.

Yes. And I will say there is even some proof of that. Or I think of it as proof in the following way. So you are correct that the no-go, it's not that there's no cost with no-go. You are correct. So it does stop us from the type of go which is searching.

So it stops maybe the cortisol or the adrenaline or something like that. But it comes with its own, I think, largely things like inflammation and things that enable the withdrawal. right? Probably shifting hormones. We know prolactin changes in grieving, oxytocin changes in grieving. But think about it this way.