Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor

So this is, if only I would have picked up the phone. If only I could have gotten them to the hospital sooner. The doctor should have known to check for. And the thing is that the brain, because it is a wonder, the brain can come up with an infinite number of stories. An infinite number of reasons why this loss is your fault.

And the reality is there is no way through those questions because there is an infinite number of them. And what he taught me, and I think the research bears this out, is that the solution is not to find answers to an infinite number of questions. If you think about it, each of those stories, if only I would have picked up the phone,

And the reality is there is no way through those questions because there is an infinite number of them. And what he taught me, and I think the research bears this out, is that the solution is not to find answers to an infinite number of questions. If you think about it, each of those stories, if only I would have picked up the phone,

And the reality is there is no way through those questions because there is an infinite number of them. And what he taught me, and I think the research bears this out, is that the solution is not to find answers to an infinite number of questions. If you think about it, each of those stories, if only I would have picked up the phone,

Each of those stories ends in, and then my loved one would have lived. But the reality that we're dealing with right now, today, here, in this room, is that they didn't live. And so none of those things matter anymore because now the question is, how do I live given that it is true that they are gone?

Each of those stories ends in, and then my loved one would have lived. But the reality that we're dealing with right now, today, here, in this room, is that they didn't live. And so none of those things matter anymore because now the question is, how do I live given that it is true that they are gone?

Each of those stories ends in, and then my loved one would have lived. But the reality that we're dealing with right now, today, here, in this room, is that they didn't live. And so none of those things matter anymore because now the question is, how do I live given that it is true that they are gone?

Yes, that's exactly it.

Yes, that's exactly it.

Yes, that's exactly it.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

It's a false narrative. But the question is, why are we doing it? Right? So if grieving is a form of learning and all of this rumination, as we would call it, these perseverative thoughts, what if, if only, why are we doing it then? And I think there's a couple of possibilities. One is that it is unbearable to think that bad things happen for no reason.

It's a false narrative. But the question is, why are we doing it? Right? So if grieving is a form of learning and all of this rumination, as we would call it, these perseverative thoughts, what if, if only, why are we doing it then? And I think there's a couple of possibilities. One is that it is unbearable to think that bad things happen for no reason.

It's a false narrative. But the question is, why are we doing it? Right? So if grieving is a form of learning and all of this rumination, as we would call it, these perseverative thoughts, what if, if only, why are we doing it then? And I think there's a couple of possibilities. One is that it is unbearable to think that bad things happen for no reason.

And that protest can be around, it is as painful as guilt is, it can make more sense to me than just abject, random, terrible events happening in the world. That at least there is a sense of control if I failed to do something, you know? So the question is, well, and the second possibility I sometimes think about Well, what would you be doing if you weren't ruminating right now?

And that protest can be around, it is as painful as guilt is, it can make more sense to me than just abject, random, terrible events happening in the world. That at least there is a sense of control if I failed to do something, you know? So the question is, well, and the second possibility I sometimes think about Well, what would you be doing if you weren't ruminating right now?

And that protest can be around, it is as painful as guilt is, it can make more sense to me than just abject, random, terrible events happening in the world. That at least there is a sense of control if I failed to do something, you know? So the question is, well, and the second possibility I sometimes think about Well, what would you be doing if you weren't ruminating right now?

And the problem is that when we are going round and round and round in our head about these things that cannot be true, we're not in the present moment, right? We're in some other internal world. And that means that, you know, if your grandchild is telling you this hilarious story about you're not really paying attention because you're in this other world in your head.