Dr. Matt May

Maybe guilt or shame. And then associating those feelings with spending time with her daughter would be bad for the relationship.

Maybe guilt or shame. And then associating those feelings with spending time with her daughter would be bad for the relationship.

Yeah, so they're often very nice people. uh, anxious, um, avoidant, people pleasing, wanting to avoid any type of conflict. They value peace and harmony in their relationships. Yeah. They don't want to rock the boat.

Yeah, so they're often very nice people. uh, anxious, um, avoidant, people pleasing, wanting to avoid any type of conflict. They value peace and harmony in their relationships. Yeah. They don't want to rock the boat.

Right. And it seems good in the short term.

Right. And it seems good in the short term.

I'm afraid I'll be winding down for the day. Okay. I'd love to spend time with both of you, but I'll be too sleepy.

I'm afraid I'll be winding down for the day. Okay. I'd love to spend time with both of you, but I'll be too sleepy.

Oh, I feel guilty and bad for not showing you how much I care about both of you.

Oh, I feel guilty and bad for not showing you how much I care about both of you.

Well, I'll have to politely decline.

Well, I'll have to politely decline.

I loved it. I loved it. I had a couple other comments just on that pattern since I've lived it myself personally. One observation was that it seemed like resentment would kind of build up over time, like water behind a dam. If I was operating under the system, like I'll just always be nice and expect other people to reciprocate.

I loved it. I loved it. I had a couple other comments just on that pattern since I've lived it myself personally. One observation was that it seemed like resentment would kind of build up over time, like water behind a dam. If I was operating under the system, like I'll just always be nice and expect other people to reciprocate.

If I was expecting that and it didn't happen, I'd feel a little bit resentful, but I still wouldn't want to rock the boat. And so I wouldn't bring up my feelings. And then it would like build up over time. And eventually it would be like some straw would break my back and my feelings would come out in a way that I didn't like that. I, you know, it's like it was rushing out of the dam.

If I was expecting that and it didn't happen, I'd feel a little bit resentful, but I still wouldn't want to rock the boat. And so I wouldn't bring up my feelings. And then it would like build up over time. And eventually it would be like some straw would break my back and my feelings would come out in a way that I didn't like that. I, you know, it's like it was rushing out of the dam.

And so that was a terrible consequence of this rule, interpersonal rule that I had to always be nice. And the other thing that really helped me was the double standard technique, where I would imagine, would I tell someone else that they should be a better mom or a better person? Would I communicate to someone else in all these critical ways? And as a nice person, I just wouldn't do that.

And so that was a terrible consequence of this rule, interpersonal rule that I had to always be nice. And the other thing that really helped me was the double standard technique, where I would imagine, would I tell someone else that they should be a better mom or a better person? Would I communicate to someone else in all these critical ways? And as a nice person, I just wouldn't do that.

And it helped me see that double standard and let go of it. And I've noticed that that works really well when people are prone to being nice, is they can just employ that tendency to help themselves.

And it helped me see that double standard and let go of it. And I've noticed that that works really well when people are prone to being nice, is they can just employ that tendency to help themselves.