Dr. Nicole LePera
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
How do you know that you need therapy? Therapy, I think, can be incredibly beneficial. Again, I also know not all of us have access to it and I know there are so many hours outside of that one hour that many of us get in a therapy room where these habits and patterns live and are coloring our lives.
How do you know that you need therapy? Therapy, I think, can be incredibly beneficial. Again, I also know not all of us have access to it and I know there are so many hours outside of that one hour that many of us get in a therapy room where these habits and patterns live and are coloring our lives.
And I think another component of holistic work for me includes the very simple reality that to create change, because so much of us is wired into this autopilot that we're repeating day in and day out, so many of our habits that is, to create change we really do have to empower ourselves to make new choices each and every day.
And I think another component of holistic work for me includes the very simple reality that to create change, because so much of us is wired into this autopilot that we're repeating day in and day out, so many of our habits that is, to create change we really do have to empower ourselves to make new choices each and every day.
Well, something is missing if you are not part of any equation. Yeah. And this is one of those moments where subconsciously your actions, which you think are selfless or giving or caring... are sending you, an internal being inside of you, a message that you're not as worthy as them of your time, attention, presence, tending, care, love.
Well, something is missing if you are not part of any equation. Yeah. And this is one of those moments where subconsciously your actions, which you think are selfless or giving or caring... are sending you, an internal being inside of you, a message that you're not as worthy as them of your time, attention, presence, tending, care, love.
So this is, again, one of those moments where it really is embracing the embodiment or the holistic practice. And those are the people, the givers, the carers, the people that are focused on being selfless, tending to the world around us, that are going to have the most difficult time creating that space. Because at a time and a place, they had to play that role.
So this is, again, one of those moments where it really is embracing the embodiment or the holistic practice. And those are the people, the givers, the carers, the people that are focused on being selfless, tending to the world around us, that are going to have the most difficult time creating that space. Because at a time and a place, they had to play that role.
There was safety in securing their connections through playing that role. Though it is only in the embodiment of making those difficult, brave choices to shift the nature of those signals from I am worthy.
There was safety in securing their connections through playing that role. Though it is only in the embodiment of making those difficult, brave choices to shift the nature of those signals from I am worthy.
Every time now I show up in action of embodying the space in my relationships, even when it's scary and doesn't immediately feel good, that internal being inside of me is kind of getting a nod that those instinctual wants, desires, or needs, whatever it is in any moment, are valid. They needed that space. And I am now finally showing up in service of it.
Every time now I show up in action of embodying the space in my relationships, even when it's scary and doesn't immediately feel good, that internal being inside of me is kind of getting a nod that those instinctual wants, desires, or needs, whatever it is in any moment, are valid. They needed that space. And I am now finally showing up in service of it.
So I think we won't ever feel whole, feel worthy, feel loved, unless we are also participating and showing ourself that we are whole, worthy, and loved.
So I think we won't ever feel whole, feel worthy, feel loved, unless we are also participating and showing ourself that we are whole, worthy, and loved.
At this point, I'm pretty much across all of the social media platforms, as I said in the beginning. Accessibility of these conversations is so important. Of course, it all began on the Instagram account, the.holistic.psychologist, though now there is a YouTube, a TikTok, a Twitter or X space.
At this point, I'm pretty much across all of the social media platforms, as I said in the beginning. Accessibility of these conversations is so important. Of course, it all began on the Instagram account, the.holistic.psychologist, though now there is a YouTube, a TikTok, a Twitter or X space.
Um, for me, a threads even, so Googling or searching, I should say the handle of the holistic psychologist on any of those social media platforms is a great way to follow along with this content. Um, I have a website, the holistic psychologist.com where you can get more information on self healer circle. Um,
Um, for me, a threads even, so Googling or searching, I should say the handle of the holistic psychologist on any of those social media platforms is a great way to follow along with this content. Um, I have a website, the holistic psychologist.com where you can get more information on self healer circle. Um,
my global membership and a website for the new book how to be the love you seek.com where you can get information on some book retailers though at this point i'm hoping that many of the major book retail retailers or local stores that you like to support will have a couple copies on file thank you of course thank you jamie for having me and for the light you put out in this world truly
my global membership and a website for the new book how to be the love you seek.com where you can get information on some book retailers though at this point i'm hoping that many of the major book retail retailers or local stores that you like to support will have a couple copies on file thank you of course thank you jamie for having me and for the light you put out in this world truly
So the way I think of holistic is understanding that the reason why we struggle to change, even though we have an incredible capacity, to create change at any point of our life. And I do want listeners to hear that because it saddens me when I hear people, especially older, in years who are like, oh, I can't change. It's impossible for me. And that's just simply not physiologically true.
So the way I think of holistic is understanding that the reason why we struggle to change, even though we have an incredible capacity, to create change at any point of our life. And I do want listeners to hear that because it saddens me when I hear people, especially older, in years who are like, oh, I can't change. It's impossible for me. And that's just simply not physiologically true.
There were people who did not accept it. To begin to explore and for many of us, redevelop a relationship with ourselves.
There were people who did not accept it. To begin to explore and for many of us, redevelop a relationship with ourselves.
we can change at any time. Most of us though are stuck because we are repeating patterns that at one point were protective. And so the concern and what I would see play out is when we were continuing just to talk about problems or not apply those action steps or not equipped ourselves to understand that change, even if it is in a positive direction, will create resistance. It will create
we can change at any time. Most of us though are stuck because we are repeating patterns that at one point were protective. And so the concern and what I would see play out is when we were continuing just to talk about problems or not apply those action steps or not equipped ourselves to understand that change, even if it is in a positive direction, will create resistance. It will create
discomfort. While we can change, our body feels protected in our old habits, even those that don't serve us. So it's applying these new small choices that we can make day in and day out, which in my opinion need to include our body, need to for many of us include expanding our body's ability to tolerate from the natural stress of change,
discomfort. While we can change, our body feels protected in our old habits, even those that don't serve us. So it's applying these new small choices that we can make day in and day out, which in my opinion need to include our body, need to for many of us include expanding our body's ability to tolerate from the natural stress of change,
to for many of us shedding identities, becoming a new person, all of the fears and concerns that come along with dynamically then changing in these embedded relational networks that so many of us have found ourselves operating in for so long. So that is, I think, the biggest shift between traditional and holistic work. Self-healing, in my opinion, is really just empowering the self
to for many of us shedding identities, becoming a new person, all of the fears and concerns that come along with dynamically then changing in these embedded relational networks that so many of us have found ourselves operating in for so long. So that is, I think, the biggest shift between traditional and holistic work. Self-healing, in my opinion, is really just empowering the self
the individual as the main active participant. So even for those of us who have access to these helpful clinicians or therapists or supportive coaches, it is us each and every day that's waking up, that's either dropping back and blindly going on our autopilot throughout the day or remaining committed to creating new choices in our mind and in our body.
the individual as the main active participant. So even for those of us who have access to these helpful clinicians or therapists or supportive coaches, it is us each and every day that's waking up, that's either dropping back and blindly going on our autopilot throughout the day or remaining committed to creating new choices in our mind and in our body.
And it also, I think, applies to the many of us who have been made to doubt our own intuition, our own instincts. I think for me, like a lot, we go into a supportive place And we almost squash our own knowing, right? We assume that someone, because they have letters after their name, and this applies outside of even the traditional psychology field. I've seen it in the medical field.
And it also, I think, applies to the many of us who have been made to doubt our own intuition, our own instincts. I think for me, like a lot, we go into a supportive place And we almost squash our own knowing, right? We assume that someone, because they have letters after their name, and this applies outside of even the traditional psychology field. I've seen it in the medical field.
I've seen it in my own family, you know, seeking medical treatment. This idea that someone else knows better than what I know to be true. So self-healing, I think, I hope to be a movement of empowerment where we can learn how to be the active participant that we need to be to create incredible change and incredible transformation in our life.
I've seen it in my own family, you know, seeking medical treatment. This idea that someone else knows better than what I know to be true. So self-healing, I think, I hope to be a movement of empowerment where we can learn how to be the active participant that we need to be to create incredible change and incredible transformation in our life.
And absolutely, a lot of people in my community membership, Self Healer Circle, have access to the supportive professionals, are in therapy themselves, and are also engaging in community-based healing, which became such a priority for me as I was creating the platform on Instagram and seeing how global the community was, how many people were
And absolutely, a lot of people in my community membership, Self Healer Circle, have access to the supportive professionals, are in therapy themselves, and are also engaging in community-based healing, which became such a priority for me as I was creating the platform on Instagram and seeing how global the community was, how many people were
living the same struggles and empowering themselves to change in the same ways, I became acutely aware of the lack of accessibility, especially outside of the states, the United States here.
living the same struggles and empowering themselves to change in the same ways, I became acutely aware of the lack of accessibility, especially outside of the states, the United States here.
So for me, knowing that not everyone will have access to the helping professionals or to the financial resources to be able to utilize those services, community-based healing is number one, a priority in addition to free and accessible content on my social media pages.
So for me, knowing that not everyone will have access to the helping professionals or to the financial resources to be able to utilize those services, community-based healing is number one, a priority in addition to free and accessible content on my social media pages.
The way to live the most fulfilled, expressed life is by turning.
The way to live the most fulfilled, expressed life is by turning.
I appreciate, Jamie, you bringing that up because I do see misinterpretations actually to the extent where people have believed me to be cited saying, don't go to therapy. And that's never a statement that would come out of my mouth. I truly believe we all need a safe, secure relationship somewhere. Though again, not all of us have access to it. And actually when I...
I appreciate, Jamie, you bringing that up because I do see misinterpretations actually to the extent where people have believed me to be cited saying, don't go to therapy. And that's never a statement that would come out of my mouth. I truly believe we all need a safe, secure relationship somewhere. Though again, not all of us have access to it. And actually when I...
began my healing journey and discovered all the ways I was suppressing my wants and needs like I was describing earlier and needing to create space. And I made the very difficult choice to separate, to take some time away from my family of origin.
began my healing journey and discovered all the ways I was suppressing my wants and needs like I was describing earlier and needing to create space. And I made the very difficult choice to separate, to take some time away from my family of origin.
It ended up being about a year and a half for me to just begin to rediscover who I was outside of those very enmeshed, codependent relationships where I didn't know who I was outside of the function I played in my family, which was a lot of reliance my family had had on me for a very long time. And After that period of separation, we reunited in a family therapist office.
It ended up being about a year and a half for me to just begin to rediscover who I was outside of those very enmeshed, codependent relationships where I didn't know who I was outside of the function I played in my family, which was a lot of reliance my family had had on me for a very long time. And After that period of separation, we reunited in a family therapist office.
That's where my family very gratefully took my exit to be an inspiration for them to do some of their own self-reflection, some of their own beautiful work in healing and creating changes in their own individual relationships and their own dynamics as a family.
That's where my family very gratefully took my exit to be an inspiration for them to do some of their own self-reflection, some of their own beautiful work in healing and creating changes in their own individual relationships and their own dynamics as a family.
And then we all made the shared decision to reintegrate and to explore new dynamics, new boundaries moving forward that would better work for all of us, allow us all to be in a deeper, more authentic relationship. And we did so in a therapist office. So therapy, I think, can be incredibly beneficial. Again, I also know not all of us have access to it.
And then we all made the shared decision to reintegrate and to explore new dynamics, new boundaries moving forward that would better work for all of us, allow us all to be in a deeper, more authentic relationship. And we did so in a therapist office. So therapy, I think, can be incredibly beneficial. Again, I also know not all of us have access to it.
And I know there are so many hours outside of that one hour that many of us get in a therapy room where these habits and patterns live and are coloring our lives. So it's like the power combo.
And I know there are so many hours outside of that one hour that many of us get in a therapy room where these habits and patterns live and are coloring our lives. So it's like the power combo.
I have these high explosive arguments, crazy feeling arguments, and then this passionate makeup sex. afterward. I think secure, grounded connection is secure, calm. It's grounded. And I think another thing, indicator that often we see in relationships is if we self-sabotage them. If we push people away as I had done for many years when we really wanted them closed.
I have these high explosive arguments, crazy feeling arguments, and then this passionate makeup sex. afterward. I think secure, grounded connection is secure, calm. It's grounded. And I think another thing, indicator that often we see in relationships is if we self-sabotage them. If we push people away as I had done for many years when we really wanted them closed.
That fear, I just want to speak to that really quickly, that comes from a real place. For many of us, a lived experience in our earliest relationships when we were dependent on some version of care being given to us to keep us physiologically alive. And when we didn't have...
That fear, I just want to speak to that really quickly, that comes from a real place. For many of us, a lived experience in our earliest relationships when we were dependent on some version of care being given to us to keep us physiologically alive. And when we didn't have...
a safe, secure, emotionally attuned caregiver, curious about ourselves as a different individual and creating the space for us to express whatever that meant for us when many more of us have been told directly or indirectly the things that we need to shift or change about ourselves, the things we need to do or stop doing to maintain those connections.
a safe, secure, emotionally attuned caregiver, curious about ourselves as a different individual and creating the space for us to express whatever that meant for us when many more of us have been told directly or indirectly the things that we need to shift or change about ourselves, the things we need to do or stop doing to maintain those connections.
Because we need it, those connections, we will develop, as your beautiful new book kind of states, this idea that we're not worthy, we're actually quite unworthy unless we keep hiding and suppressing. And as I call it in the book, playing these conditioned selves or these versions of ourself. So I want to honor how very real and ingrained
Because we need it, those connections, we will develop, as your beautiful new book kind of states, this idea that we're not worthy, we're actually quite unworthy unless we keep hiding and suppressing. And as I call it in the book, playing these conditioned selves or these versions of ourself. So I want to honor how very real and ingrained
these patterns are, why we can't just say, oh, and here maybe you and I say on this beautiful conversation, oh, it's safe to be who we are. Wired into our mind and body at one time, it was not safe. Our connections were at risk. So one of the major things I saw myself doing, which is why I was so concerned about expressing myself authentically, what all my colleagues think,
these patterns are, why we can't just say, oh, and here maybe you and I say on this beautiful conversation, oh, it's safe to be who we are. Wired into our mind and body at one time, it was not safe. Our connections were at risk. So one of the major things I saw myself doing, which is why I was so concerned about expressing myself authentically, what all my colleagues think,
expressing myself personally, telling others what I wanted or needed in relationships was in fear of those relationships ending, people not liking me, me disappointing people. As I work through that, because it does feel, it's not just, again, something we can affirm away. Putting ourself out there is vulnerable.
expressing myself personally, telling others what I wanted or needed in relationships was in fear of those relationships ending, people not liking me, me disappointing people. As I work through that, because it does feel, it's not just, again, something we can affirm away. Putting ourself out there is vulnerable.
Tolerating the fear and sometimes the reaction that we fear we will get when we get that continuing to live in alignment. I had done that. Social media was a really great practice for me. And it's quite honestly one of the reasons I created the account was to practice authentically sharing my truth.
Tolerating the fear and sometimes the reaction that we fear we will get when we get that continuing to live in alignment. I had done that. Social media was a really great practice for me. And it's quite honestly one of the reasons I created the account was to practice authentically sharing my truth.
And I'd done that for long enough and felt the difference in my body of how it feels not to have that sensor in my mind, not to always be worrying about what people think and just being able to be myself as I am. I knew what that translated to. I felt in greater flow. My relationships became deeper and more authentic.
And I'd done that for long enough and felt the difference in my body of how it feels not to have that sensor in my mind, not to always be worrying about what people think and just being able to be myself as I am. I knew what that translated to. I felt in greater flow. My relationships became deeper and more authentic.
So as I was continuing on in my personal journey with my partner, Lolly, who I have now been together with for 10 years, we connected with Jenna, who became a part of the business, to be quite honest, when we opened up the membership. She was a community member who I would get familiar with people's handles very early on in the journey because they would always be commenting.
So as I was continuing on in my personal journey with my partner, Lolly, who I have now been together with for 10 years, we connected with Jenna, who became a part of the business, to be quite honest, when we opened up the membership. She was a community member who I would get familiar with people's handles very early on in the journey because they would always be commenting.
And this was someone I knew that I was very aligned with. So she was part of your self-healer's community. She was part of the self-healer community on the Instagram account. Still a lot of members of the community from the early days I still know by handle. I love the opportunity when I get to meet them in person. And she was one of those. I saw what she was sharing under my post on her own page.
And this was someone I knew that I was very aligned with. So she was part of your self-healer's community. She was part of the self-healer community on the Instagram account. Still a lot of members of the community from the early days I still know by handle. I love the opportunity when I get to meet them in person. And she was one of those. I saw what she was sharing under my post on her own page.
I sensed alignment. When the circle opened up, we desperately needed support. Lolly and I, we needed someone else to help us practically run the business. She swooped in with a DM near immediately when we had put up a story telling how much we needed support in a given moment and she became part of the business. We all ended up living in the LA area and spent some now in-person time together and
I sensed alignment. When the circle opened up, we desperately needed support. Lolly and I, we needed someone else to help us practically run the business. She swooped in with a DM near immediately when we had put up a story telling how much we needed support in a given moment and she became part of the business. We all ended up living in the LA area and spent some now in-person time together and
As the relationship continued, it became clear to the three of us that there was deeper feelings happening. It's funny when I hear you say throupled too. This was not a word that I had ever heard about in a million years. I never thought about a polyamorous or an open relationship. I never thought about a relationship outside of the relationship that I was in with Lolly.
As the relationship continued, it became clear to the three of us that there was deeper feelings happening. It's funny when I hear you say throupled too. This was not a word that I had ever heard about in a million years. I never thought about a polyamorous or an open relationship. I never thought about a relationship outside of the relationship that I was in with Lolly.
Though each of us personally committed to being who we are and to speaking what was on our hearts. As we became aware that what was on our heart was interest in seeing what was possible in terms of a professional relationship, evolving the relationship, of course, spending several months now in what I call an expanded relationship, all Googling, oh, can you do this? What is this?
Though each of us personally committed to being who we are and to speaking what was on our hearts. As we became aware that what was on our heart was interest in seeing what was possible in terms of a professional relationship, evolving the relationship, of course, spending several months now in what I call an expanded relationship, all Googling, oh, can you do this? What is this?
Turns out it's called a throuple. And at the time we were recording podcast together, Jen and I. So we're still working together, sharing much of our individual journeys. We're running the circle together where we present things quite often, sharing our journeys. And here was another moment where it started to feel misaligned, where like when I was in that treatment room.
Turns out it's called a throuple. And at the time we were recording podcast together, Jen and I. So we're still working together, sharing much of our individual journeys. We're running the circle together where we present things quite often, sharing our journeys. And here was another moment where it started to feel misaligned, where like when I was in that treatment room.
oh, I have all of this holistic information and I'm not sharing it. This doesn't feel good. I don't feel like I'm in my flow. I was starting to feel that way professionally. Oh, I'm leaving out or I'm modifying parts of my conversation because I'm not yet out in this way.
oh, I have all of this holistic information and I'm not sharing it. This doesn't feel good. I don't feel like I'm in my flow. I was starting to feel that way professionally. Oh, I'm leaving out or I'm modifying parts of my conversation because I'm not yet out in this way.
And to speak to your point, worrying, what would people think knowing it's not a traditional relationship, knowing that some people would reject it and see me in the work differently. What was more important for me at that time was continuing to live authentically.
And to speak to your point, worrying, what would people think knowing it's not a traditional relationship, knowing that some people would reject it and see me in the work differently. What was more important for me at that time was continuing to live authentically.
So making the decision to come out, if you will, a second time now on Instagram and let the community know so that I could speak more freely so that as people were starting to see me publicly and come up and say hi, I didn't have to worry about how I was presenting myself. And of course, there are
So making the decision to come out, if you will, a second time now on Instagram and let the community know so that I could speak more freely so that as people were starting to see me publicly and come up and say hi, I didn't have to worry about how I was presenting myself. And of course, there are
were people who did not accept it in some ways and there were so many more who accepted it with open arms, who acknowledged and appreciated my ability to speak my truth. And I think this applies even outside of, you know, our truths in our relationships. Not everyone is going to go on a journey of opening their relationship though.
were people who did not accept it in some ways and there were so many more who accepted it with open arms, who acknowledged and appreciated my ability to speak my truth. And I think this applies even outside of, you know, our truths in our relationships. Not everyone is going to go on a journey of opening their relationship though.
The beautiful point you made earlier, so many of us know what's on our heart and we don't make the choice to speak it or we don't make the choice to be ourself in any given context. And my hope for sharing this part of my more intimate journey is giving us all the permission to listen to what's on our heart.
The beautiful point you made earlier, so many of us know what's on our heart and we don't make the choice to speak it or we don't make the choice to be ourself in any given context. And my hope for sharing this part of my more intimate journey is giving us all the permission to listen to what's on our heart.
It's a very powerful part of our individual experience and giving each of us the courage to learn how to live in that authentic self-expression.
It's a very powerful part of our individual experience and giving each of us the courage to learn how to live in that authentic self-expression.
Yes, though I would not have allowed them to be in my conscious mind. Before I even entertained, oh, what's happening here? That censoring part of me would have said, oh, well, this can't happen here for business reasons.
Yes, though I would not have allowed them to be in my conscious mind. Before I even entertained, oh, what's happening here? That censoring part of me would have said, oh, well, this can't happen here for business reasons.
Because we are shared in vision and in purpose, the three of us, in terms of service to the community and all of the opportunities that the way that we're able to serve on such a grand scale. So the business part of me would be like, oh, I don't want to mess up that relationship.
Because we are shared in vision and in purpose, the three of us, in terms of service to the community and all of the opportunities that the way that we're able to serve on such a grand scale. So the business part of me would be like, oh, I don't want to mess up that relationship.
the professional part of me, very much coming through a conditioned system, myself operating in relationships where I wouldn't even entertain attraction somewhere else. Because forever, I took that to mean, oh, this must mean that this isn't the right partner for you.
the professional part of me, very much coming through a conditioned system, myself operating in relationships where I wouldn't even entertain attraction somewhere else. Because forever, I took that to mean, oh, this must mean that this isn't the right partner for you.
If you're looking over here or if you're able to have emotional needs met outside of your relationship, then this must mean something about your relationship. And so for me, really, and one of my hopes of this work is if you do have that conditioning, all of you listening, I don't think, I think attraction is a normal thing, whether or not you act on it is another choice entirely.
If you're looking over here or if you're able to have emotional needs met outside of your relationship, then this must mean something about your relationship. And so for me, really, and one of my hopes of this work is if you do have that conditioning, all of you listening, I don't think, I think attraction is a normal thing, whether or not you act on it is another choice entirely.
I think that we're driven to existing community in groups. This is one of the reasons why the circle now exists, meaning it is a very large and unrealistic expectation that some of us put on one person to meet all of our physical and emotional needs.
I think that we're driven to existing community in groups. This is one of the reasons why the circle now exists, meaning it is a very large and unrealistic expectation that some of us put on one person to meet all of our physical and emotional needs.
And I think the more we can expand outward and develop friendships with shared interests, develop other people that we can go to when we need support, I think that that can only expand our ability to feel supported and to be connected in our community.
And I think the more we can expand outward and develop friendships with shared interests, develop other people that we can go to when we need support, I think that that can only expand our ability to feel supported and to be connected in our community.
I would have maybe had aversion. I mean, there was attraction there, of course, though I wouldn't have allowed myself to engage with it because I would immediately have worried what that meant about my relationship with Lolly. So I'm indebted to Jenna. She's always been someone. We come from very different backgrounds and very different paths that led us to working together.
I would have maybe had aversion. I mean, there was attraction there, of course, though I wouldn't have allowed myself to engage with it because I would immediately have worried what that meant about my relationship with Lolly. So I'm indebted to Jenna. She's always been someone. We come from very different backgrounds and very different paths that led us to working together.
being in a personal relationship though her path has always been heart-led, heart-driven. She was always very clear. So her courageous moment of coming to both of us and acknowledging without any expectation of what the two of us would think or do with the information was so relieving because it did give language to something that was beneath the surface for all of us.
being in a personal relationship though her path has always been heart-led, heart-driven. She was always very clear. So her courageous moment of coming to both of us and acknowledging without any expectation of what the two of us would think or do with the information was so relieving because it did give language to something that was beneath the surface for all of us.
And it also opened then the possibility in a way that I don't know if I would have entertained it myself.
And it also opened then the possibility in a way that I don't know if I would have entertained it myself.
In my opinion, no. I think that human beings are and can be attracted naturally, even to different aspects of personality, of a relationship beyond just physical features. And I also know, like I said, that we're wired to exist in groups. I think a lot of the ways we're living now is quite unnatural.
In my opinion, no. I think that human beings are and can be attracted naturally, even to different aspects of personality, of a relationship beyond just physical features. And I also know, like I said, that we're wired to exist in groups. I think a lot of the ways we're living now is quite unnatural.
in separate homes, some of us even completely in distance from our families or our supportive communities being made to move for work or for whatever reason. And I think we need more than one person at any given time.
in separate homes, some of us even completely in distance from our families or our supportive communities being made to move for work or for whatever reason. And I think we need more than one person at any given time.
Because I think, again, not only do we put an unrealistic expectation on one partner to be available to us in any given moment, I think that some of us look and feel like if we need support, this person needs to be there, especially if they're our primary person. And they're failing us if And they're not getting everything we need.
Because I think, again, not only do we put an unrealistic expectation on one partner to be available to us in any given moment, I think that some of us look and feel like if we need support, this person needs to be there, especially if they're our primary person. And they're failing us if And they're not getting everything we need.
And the reality of it is, and I've come to embody this reality because I am like that too. If I need you, I want you to and expect you to not only read my mind that I need you, but to be able to have the energetic and emotional resources to give me support in any given moment.
And the reality of it is, and I've come to embody this reality because I am like that too. If I need you, I want you to and expect you to not only read my mind that I need you, but to be able to have the energetic and emotional resources to give me support in any given moment.
And that's, I think, kind of removing the reality of all of the other factors that are impacting someone else's life, even if it's our person. They might have something going on outside of our relationship with their family, with their work. They might have something going on personally on a deeper level, even within our relationship.
And that's, I think, kind of removing the reality of all of the other factors that are impacting someone else's life, even if it's our person. They might have something going on outside of our relationship with their family, with their work. They might have something going on personally on a deeper level, even within our relationship.
And they might not be able to give the support that we need in any given moment. So now we're creating such a conflict because it's not to say that our need isn't real. We do need support. And if the person that we're depending on isn't able to give us the support and we either are demanding it or indirectly, you know, trying to force it to be the case.
And they might not be able to give the support that we need in any given moment. So now we're creating such a conflict because it's not to say that our need isn't real. We do need support. And if the person that we're depending on isn't able to give us the support and we either are demanding it or indirectly, you know, trying to force it to be the case.
Now, neither person feels good because one person feels abandoned when they need support and the other person feels like they're letting the person that they love down.
Now, neither person feels good because one person feels abandoned when they need support and the other person feels like they're letting the person that they love down.
That's a really interesting question to consider. I do think we all need support outside of one individual, whether or not that means we enter into a primary or a kind of physical committed, the type of relationship I think that we're defining as monogamous. I don't think that that is on everyone's journey. Though what I believe needs to be
That's a really interesting question to consider. I do think we all need support outside of one individual, whether or not that means we enter into a primary or a kind of physical committed, the type of relationship I think that we're defining as monogamous. I don't think that that is on everyone's journey. Though what I believe needs to be
are other people around to help relieve, whether it's just the general labor that goes into running a family, especially when children are evolved, the emotional needs of support that we have in any given moment. And I'm hopeful because I'm seeing we're not going in any new direction. We're almost going back to the way our ancestors had lived and had survived and thrived.
are other people around to help relieve, whether it's just the general labor that goes into running a family, especially when children are evolved, the emotional needs of support that we have in any given moment. And I'm hopeful because I'm seeing we're not going in any new direction. We're almost going back to the way our ancestors had lived and had survived and thrived.
and allowed us to thrive as a species. And I'm seeing a lot of movement in terms of schooling options where families or parents get together and homeschool children in a more community-based setting. I'm seeing more community-based living environments popping up.
and allowed us to thrive as a species. And I'm seeing a lot of movement in terms of schooling options where families or parents get together and homeschool children in a more community-based setting. I'm seeing more community-based living environments popping up.
And I think that will allow us to be supportive of more people and get the support that we need when one person is unable to show up in any given moment.
And I think that will allow us to be supportive of more people and get the support that we need when one person is unable to show up in any given moment.
And I very much relate to that feeling of loneliness, even though I was always in bed it. I lived in New York City. I had a very active social life. I was always in a relationship, relationship after relationship. yet I felt so deeply lonely.
And I very much relate to that feeling of loneliness, even though I was always in bed it. I lived in New York City. I had a very active social life. I was always in a relationship, relationship after relationship. yet I felt so deeply lonely.
And to speak to your beautiful point, Jamie, one of the reasons why I felt so deeply lonely is because I didn't share what I really needed emotionally, because I was right back to that child whose mother, of no fault of her own, based on her own past, her conditioning, her own trauma, wasn't able to be emotionally attuned to me.
And to speak to your beautiful point, Jamie, one of the reasons why I felt so deeply lonely is because I didn't share what I really needed emotionally, because I was right back to that child whose mother, of no fault of her own, based on her own past, her conditioning, her own trauma, wasn't able to be emotionally attuned to me.
She was able to connect with me when I was doing something, when I was achieving something, which is why I then entered into this habitual pattern of trying to be very successful in all of the ways externally and in trying to be or limit the amount that I felt to be a burden to others emotionally.
She was able to connect with me when I was doing something, when I was achieving something, which is why I then entered into this habitual pattern of trying to be very successful in all of the ways externally and in trying to be or limit the amount that I felt to be a burden to others emotionally.
And what that then looked like was pushing myself past my physical limits, not even being connected, as I shared earlier, to what my emotions were. If I had an instinct of what I needed emotionally, feeling way too vulnerable and almost anticipating that my person that I would go to in that moment would show up just like my mom once did, which was be unavailable.
And what that then looked like was pushing myself past my physical limits, not even being connected, as I shared earlier, to what my emotions were. If I had an instinct of what I needed emotionally, feeling way too vulnerable and almost anticipating that my person that I would go to in that moment would show up just like my mom once did, which was be unavailable.
So I kind of played this subconscious tape forward, convincing myself out of even being open for the support that I needed. So loneliness was such a theme. I carried it through my life. I viscerally can feel, for me it feels like a pressure on my chest, like a hole. And I remember being a child and having that feeling, being in relationship and feeling alone in a crowded room.
So I kind of played this subconscious tape forward, convincing myself out of even being open for the support that I needed. So loneliness was such a theme. I carried it through my life. I viscerally can feel, for me it feels like a pressure on my chest, like a hole. And I remember being a child and having that feeling, being in relationship and feeling alone in a crowded room.
And again, that commitment to being myself was really a commitment and desire to find authentic connections with other people. And seeing social media technology as it was evolving and seeing it as being a possibility
And again, that commitment to being myself was really a commitment and desire to find authentic connections with other people. And seeing social media technology as it was evolving and seeing it as being a possibility
for not only me to create space for authentic self-expression, but I still remember the days of AOL chat rooms when my mind was blown open that, oh, I could talk to people on the internet. One of my desires was to find authentic relationships. Though technology, in my opinion, like all things, can be used in so many different ways.
for not only me to create space for authentic self-expression, but I still remember the days of AOL chat rooms when my mind was blown open that, oh, I could talk to people on the internet. One of my desires was to find authentic relationships. Though technology, in my opinion, like all things, can be used in so many different ways.
There are people that use technology to present different non-authentic aspects of themselves and their lives. Technology can be a distraction where we're just scrolling and not actually present to ourselves or to our relationships. We're using it. as a protection from being present to whatever might be there that might be overwhelming us or that might be uncomfortable for us.
There are people that use technology to present different non-authentic aspects of themselves and their lives. Technology can be a distraction where we're just scrolling and not actually present to ourselves or to our relationships. We're using it. as a protection from being present to whatever might be there that might be overwhelming us or that might be uncomfortable for us.
So technology in general, I think, is not the issue per se, though learning how to be a conscious participant in technology, determining if you are using it for endless comparisons to feel bad about yourself, to validate that deep feeling of unworthiness.
So technology in general, I think, is not the issue per se, though learning how to be a conscious participant in technology, determining if you are using it for endless comparisons to feel bad about yourself, to validate that deep feeling of unworthiness.
If that's the reason you're using it, or using it to distract yourself from deeper things that are happening, then we don't have to shame the fact that that's what's happening right now. Oftentimes that's a learned habit. A lot of times it's aimed at protection.
If that's the reason you're using it, or using it to distract yourself from deeper things that are happening, then we don't have to shame the fact that that's what's happening right now. Oftentimes that's a learned habit. A lot of times it's aimed at protection.
We could begin to be a more conscious consumer, putting boundaries up for ourself, determining how we're maybe using technology and presenting ourself. When I hear loneliness, what I kind of translate that to is we desire authentic relationships.
We could begin to be a more conscious consumer, putting boundaries up for ourself, determining how we're maybe using technology and presenting ourself. When I hear loneliness, what I kind of translate that to is we desire authentic relationships.
And to get an authentic relationship, there has to be authenticity that we're giving out to attract the type of relationship that we want, not the mask that we think is keeping us protected.
And to get an authentic relationship, there has to be authenticity that we're giving out to attract the type of relationship that we want, not the mask that we think is keeping us protected.
Jamie Kern Lima. Jamie, you're so inspiring.
Jamie Kern Lima. Jamie, you're so inspiring.
I think it's really important to normalize not knowing. Because again, I think this is another area as we get older in years, we criticize and shame ourselves for questioning who it is that we could be, for coming to the awareness that we don't know what we think, what we want, what we need. And I think that that's another area.
I think it's really important to normalize not knowing. Because again, I think this is another area as we get older in years, we criticize and shame ourselves for questioning who it is that we could be, for coming to the awareness that we don't know what we think, what we want, what we need. And I think that that's another area.
And even going back to what you were saying, I'm really happy you clarified that. If we're not being who we are in all of these different circumstances, unconsciously what we're doing is continuing to validate that belief that we can't be who we are. We gather friends, we put ourselves out there in all these situations, and if we're still not feeling that connection that we're desiring...
And even going back to what you were saying, I'm really happy you clarified that. If we're not being who we are in all of these different circumstances, unconsciously what we're doing is continuing to validate that belief that we can't be who we are. We gather friends, we put ourselves out there in all these situations, and if we're still not feeling that connection that we're desiring...
The only way that our subconscious mind is going to make sense of it is, oh, because this is continued confirmation that I'm not worthy. So the practical is to become aware, not first of what we want or what we need or even being able to make choices in that direction, is to becoming aware of what are our habits? How are we showing up? How do we think we have to show up for other people?
The only way that our subconscious mind is going to make sense of it is, oh, because this is continued confirmation that I'm not worthy. So the practical is to become aware, not first of what we want or what we need or even being able to make choices in that direction, is to becoming aware of what are our habits? How are we showing up? How do we think we have to show up for other people?
What is the role that we're playing in our relationships?
What is the role that we're playing in our relationships?
Because until we see in action what it is that we're doing, all of the moments where we're instinctually saying yes when we mean no, we're not even pausing to check in, just showing up as many of us do as the caretaker, always in service of someone else, maybe even thinking that that's what selflessness or love is.
Because until we see in action what it is that we're doing, all of the moments where we're instinctually saying yes when we mean no, we're not even pausing to check in, just showing up as many of us do as the caretaker, always in service of someone else, maybe even thinking that that's what selflessness or love is.
We have to see in action the habits that are creating the dynamics that we're playing in our relationships or that are keeping our focus away from the most foundational relationship, which is with ourselves. And then in those moments where we see ourself instinctually going to play that role, hitting pause, delaying the conversation or the response, and giving ourself time and space.
We have to see in action the habits that are creating the dynamics that we're playing in our relationships or that are keeping our focus away from the most foundational relationship, which is with ourselves. And then in those moments where we see ourself instinctually going to play that role, hitting pause, delaying the conversation or the response, and giving ourself time and space.
When I was sharing that one of the most difficult decisions, if not the most difficult decision I made, was to take space from my family. And that was because of no fault of what they were doing or not doing. That was because I was so instinctually programmed to just show up in service of whatever they needed in any given moment that I didn't have that space to pause.
When I was sharing that one of the most difficult decisions, if not the most difficult decision I made, was to take space from my family. And that was because of no fault of what they were doing or not doing. That was because I was so instinctually programmed to just show up in service of whatever they needed in any given moment that I didn't have that space to pause.
And as I made that choice to take the time away to give myself that pause regardless of how they were feeling in reaction to it, in fear of how they were feeling, in concern about would they even want to reconnect with me, though very affirmed that I needed that because I couldn't separate myself otherwise. And then I got curious.
And as I made that choice to take the time away to give myself that pause regardless of how they were feeling in reaction to it, in fear of how they were feeling, in concern about would they even want to reconnect with me, though very affirmed that I needed that because I couldn't separate myself otherwise. And then I got curious.
And then I spent time not even shaming myself in terms of what entertaining, asking ourself the question. So practically, again, breaking the habit. A lot of times that means hitting the pause in those moments where we're instinctually compelled to act or play the role. And then not judging ourself for needing time and space to turn inward, to begin to explore, ask ourself.
And then I spent time not even shaming myself in terms of what entertaining, asking ourself the question. So practically, again, breaking the habit. A lot of times that means hitting the pause in those moments where we're instinctually compelled to act or play the role. And then not judging ourself for needing time and space to turn inward, to begin to explore, ask ourself.
What does my body need in this moment, physically, emotionally? What's coming up for me? What sensations am I feeling in my body? What am I feeling that I might want to do with these sensations to help myself, support myself through them? So, of course, these aren't, I think, steps that happen overnight, though. Change happens when we first see what we're doing.
What does my body need in this moment, physically, emotionally? What's coming up for me? What sensations am I feeling in my body? What am I feeling that I might want to do with these sensations to help myself, support myself through them? So, of course, these aren't, I think, steps that happen overnight, though. Change happens when we first see what we're doing.
And then when we give ourselves the time and space without shame, without judgment, we to get curious, to begin to explore, and for many of us, redevelop a relationship with ourselves, one where, yes, the world could still be requesting things of us.
And then when we give ourselves the time and space without shame, without judgment, we to get curious, to begin to explore, and for many of us, redevelop a relationship with ourselves, one where, yes, the world could still be requesting things of us.
We still might want to show up in service of others, as I very much do, though we have a space within those relationships and within that service that we're giving to tend to our needs, our wants, which are changing in any given moment.
We still might want to show up in service of others, as I very much do, though we have a space within those relationships and within that service that we're giving to tend to our needs, our wants, which are changing in any given moment.
Boundaries really simply are limits or space of separation that we can create between us as an individual and all of our relationships. And to relate and to be of service and in true connection and in true self-expression, which allows us to be in an interdependent relationship where I'm me You're you. And together, we can join together in harmony.
Boundaries really simply are limits or space of separation that we can create between us as an individual and all of our relationships. And to relate and to be of service and in true connection and in true self-expression, which allows us to be in an interdependent relationship where I'm me You're you. And together, we can join together in harmony.
We can negotiate to make sure that both of our wants and needs are in consideration for whatever choices that we're making forward. We have to have that space of separation where I don't blend into you. I don't feel responsible for taking care of your needs. I don't feel responsible for your emotions. And that description is really what I learned in my childhood, that there
We can negotiate to make sure that both of our wants and needs are in consideration for whatever choices that we're making forward. We have to have that space of separation where I don't blend into you. I don't feel responsible for taking care of your needs. I don't feel responsible for your emotions. And that description is really what I learned in my childhood, that there
wasn't separation, that I was defined by my achievements, by how my mom was present to me in those moments, felt very responsible because of lack of emotional boundaries, would hear moments or be disconnected from my mom in moments where I upset her or disappoint her in my actions or my expression. She would often give me the silent treatment. So a lot of us develop this lack of boundary.
wasn't separation, that I was defined by my achievements, by how my mom was present to me in those moments, felt very responsible because of lack of emotional boundaries, would hear moments or be disconnected from my mom in moments where I upset her or disappoint her in my actions or my expression. She would often give me the silent treatment. So a lot of us develop this lack of boundary.
though boundaries are important, because not only do they allow us to meet our own needs, which allows us to then give, it's the air, when we're on an airplane, right? And the mask falls down.
though boundaries are important, because not only do they allow us to meet our own needs, which allows us to then give, it's the air, when we're on an airplane, right? And the mask falls down.
That analogy, I mean, it took me until recently to really understand as simple as that is, the message behind that. If we're not physically surviving or thriving, it's very hard to care for another individual.
That analogy, I mean, it took me until recently to really understand as simple as that is, the message behind that. If we're not physically surviving or thriving, it's very hard to care for another individual.
So for many of us who have learned codependent or lacked boundaries or who have even taken this selfless act of service to be this idealized good person conditioning, I think that a lot of us have, boundaries are necessary. Having time and space for our needs allows us to give and support and be of service to other people.
So for many of us who have learned codependent or lacked boundaries or who have even taken this selfless act of service to be this idealized good person conditioning, I think that a lot of us have, boundaries are necessary. Having time and space for our needs allows us to give and support and be of service to other people.
so learning where our boundaries exist in terms of do i have space in my relationships to tend to my physical needs or am i always caring for someone else's physical needs do i have space to attune to my emotional needs can i give support and receive support in the moments where i need either Do I have that point of separation?
so learning where our boundaries exist in terms of do i have space in my relationships to tend to my physical needs or am i always caring for someone else's physical needs do i have space to attune to my emotional needs can i give support and receive support in the moments where i need either Do I have that point of separation?
And when we either explore and see that we don't, then we have to stay committed. As easy as I think as it is for many of us to look outside and to wish someone would just act differently so that then we could feel or do differently in our relationships, the more empowered space really to be is what can I do? Can I set a boundary or a limit?
And when we either explore and see that we don't, then we have to stay committed. As easy as I think as it is for many of us to look outside and to wish someone would just act differently so that then we could feel or do differently in our relationships, the more empowered space really to be is what can I do? Can I set a boundary or a limit?
Can I show up a little less frequently when someone needs me if I don't energetically have the resources to be available? Can I acknowledge the moments where I don't have anything to give emotionally because I'm in a state of emotional need? And can I create that space and allow myself off the hook to not feel like I have to give
Can I show up a little less frequently when someone needs me if I don't energetically have the resources to be available? Can I acknowledge the moments where I don't have anything to give emotionally because I'm in a state of emotional need? And can I create that space and allow myself off the hook to not feel like I have to give
Show up in service of someone else and I think the important part of this is not just Becoming aware of where my boundaries are and creating new ones It's back to that step that I was talking about very early of making the new choices right imagining And navigating all of the fear and concern of what will this person do. Yeah. Navigating and receiving the reaction.
Show up in service of someone else and I think the important part of this is not just Becoming aware of where my boundaries are and creating new ones It's back to that step that I was talking about very early of making the new choices right imagining And navigating all of the fear and concern of what will this person do. Yeah. Navigating and receiving the reaction.
Because at bare minimum, what we will do, especially if we've had a relationship for a long period of time, we're going to violate people's expectations.
Because at bare minimum, what we will do, especially if we've had a relationship for a long period of time, we're going to violate people's expectations.
I think we won't ever feel whole, feel worthy, feel loved, unless we are also. How do you know if your therapist is good? Our relationships can be our greatest teachers. because we are blinded to ourselves in so many ways. We don't understand how powerful we are. Why do we stay in relationships with people that hurt us?
I think we won't ever feel whole, feel worthy, feel loved, unless we are also. How do you know if your therapist is good? Our relationships can be our greatest teachers. because we are blinded to ourselves in so many ways. We don't understand how powerful we are. Why do we stay in relationships with people that hurt us?
They're used to us saying yes. Yes. They're used to us showing up. They might be used to us caring for them in a certain way. And now they're hearing that you need some time or space away or you have emotions too and you need...
They're used to us saying yes. Yes. They're used to us showing up. They might be used to us caring for them in a certain way. And now they're hearing that you need some time or space away or you have emotions too and you need...
consideration and support this is going to be surprising to them at minimum and especially if we're taking space away from a particular relationship it could activate that person's abandonment wound right so now they have a very big reaction to what it is that we need that might not be anything connected to us at all from their own past experience. So we might get the reaction that we fear.
consideration and support this is going to be surprising to them at minimum and especially if we're taking space away from a particular relationship it could activate that person's abandonment wound right so now they have a very big reaction to what it is that we need that might not be anything connected to us at all from their own past experience. So we might get the reaction that we fear.
Though on the other side of it, just bringing back to my own relationship with my family, they didn't receive it well when I first made the request or told them essentially that I was taking time away. I know that there was a lot of shock. I know that there was a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of abandonment.
Though on the other side of it, just bringing back to my own relationship with my family, they didn't receive it well when I first made the request or told them essentially that I was taking time away. I know that there was a lot of shock. I know that there was a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of abandonment.
I know we all share emotional abandonment wounds connected again to our relationship with my mom. What I know on the other side of it is how much stronger and authentic our relationships have become now that I walked through that discomfort and they very much were open to reconnecting with me as a lot of our relationships will be.
I know we all share emotional abandonment wounds connected again to our relationship with my mom. What I know on the other side of it is how much stronger and authentic our relationships have become now that I walked through that discomfort and they very much were open to reconnecting with me as a lot of our relationships will be.
I think as often is the case with a journey of transformation, I think for a lot of us it begins with a low place. And for me, it was feeling really disempowered, training very traditionally with this idea that the mind can create change. I had a very traditional practice doing a lot of talk therapy, seeing clients week after week.
I think as often is the case with a journey of transformation, I think for a lot of us it begins with a low place. And for me, it was feeling really disempowered, training very traditionally with this idea that the mind can create change. I had a very traditional practice doing a lot of talk therapy, seeing clients week after week.
Yes. and i think even beyond the self-betrayal that you were referencing that happens and we don't honor or set our own boundaries and honor them is the resentment like we were talking about earlier it then becomes so natural for us to get upset directly or indirectly with the other person holding them responsible for our lack of boundaries on some at least subconscious level and then over time
Yes. and i think even beyond the self-betrayal that you were referencing that happens and we don't honor or set our own boundaries and honor them is the resentment like we were talking about earlier it then becomes so natural for us to get upset directly or indirectly with the other person holding them responsible for our lack of boundaries on some at least subconscious level and then over time
that resentment can quite quickly turn into contempt, which has been studied in relational literature, relational research, that can be one of the number one killers, like points on which factors that contribute to the end of the relationship.
that resentment can quite quickly turn into contempt, which has been studied in relational literature, relational research, that can be one of the number one killers, like points on which factors that contribute to the end of the relationship.
So I can make a case not only will allow us to be in alignment with ourselves individually so that we can be of service to others, it will decrease the natural resentment that happens as a byproduct of us not having our needs met.
So I can make a case not only will allow us to be in alignment with ourselves individually so that we can be of service to others, it will decrease the natural resentment that happens as a byproduct of us not having our needs met.
But it's hard for a lot of people. And this all goes back to, I think, the underlying kind of conversation we're having around belief, you know, in the self and the worthiness that we have to set the boundary, to show up as who we are, to be supported and connected in our authentic self-expression. The more we inaction...
But it's hard for a lot of people. And this all goes back to, I think, the underlying kind of conversation we're having around belief, you know, in the self and the worthiness that we have to set the boundary, to show up as who we are, to be supported and connected in our authentic self-expression. The more we inaction...
live those choices every day, even when they're hard, the more this is how, in my opinion, beliefs truly change. Affirmations are an incredibly important tool to affirm a new way of thinking, though that has to go hand in hand with these daily choices.
live those choices every day, even when they're hard, the more this is how, in my opinion, beliefs truly change. Affirmations are an incredibly important tool to affirm a new way of thinking, though that has to go hand in hand with these daily choices.
And when we're acting in self-betrayal, when we're neglecting ourself so we think in service of someone else, the belief that we're strengthening, like I was sharing earlier, is one of unworthiness.
And when we're acting in self-betrayal, when we're neglecting ourself so we think in service of someone else, the belief that we're strengthening, like I was sharing earlier, is one of unworthiness.
you know diving into insight understanding their problems though what I continued to hear session after session was a lot of frustration from the clients that I was working with and what I was feeling in my own life outside of the clinical room was a lot of disempowerment a lot of frustration and trying to really understand for me I'm a lifetime learner as my dad likes to to joke with me
you know diving into insight understanding their problems though what I continued to hear session after session was a lot of frustration from the clients that I was working with and what I was feeling in my own life outside of the clinical room was a lot of disempowerment a lot of frustration and trying to really understand for me I'm a lifetime learner as my dad likes to to joke with me
So when we shift that and make the small choices by setting boundaries, by allowing ourselves the space to meet our needs, to individually be in our own authentic self-expression, the more now we're living the experience of worthiness.
So when we shift that and make the small choices by setting boundaries, by allowing ourselves the space to meet our needs, to individually be in our own authentic self-expression, the more now we're living the experience of worthiness.
That's so wise. I'm kind of repeating this idea of we are kind of self-canceling and how damaging that can be in those moments of self-censorship. So many of us have that voice of concern and very much could map onto the very real objective reality that many of us have witnessed or even experienced. And
That's so wise. I'm kind of repeating this idea of we are kind of self-canceling and how damaging that can be in those moments of self-censorship. So many of us have that voice of concern and very much could map onto the very real objective reality that many of us have witnessed or even experienced. And
Something I've learned after having very many misinterpretations of myself, my own work out there at quite scale is I've learned the limits of control that I have around how other people perceive the world around them, myself included. We're all viewing each other and experiences through our own filters.
Something I've learned after having very many misinterpretations of myself, my own work out there at quite scale is I've learned the limits of control that I have around how other people perceive the world around them, myself included. We're all viewing each other and experiences through our own filters.
And what I mean when I say that is there is no quote unquote, as uncomfortable as I think this is for many of us, objective reality. Where everyone, even in this room that we're in right now, can have one experience happen and us each describe it or experience it in the exact same way. Because out of our conscious awareness, we're each filtering. We're seeing certain aspects of it.
And what I mean when I say that is there is no quote unquote, as uncomfortable as I think this is for many of us, objective reality. Where everyone, even in this room that we're in right now, can have one experience happen and us each describe it or experience it in the exact same way. Because out of our conscious awareness, we're each filtering. We're seeing certain aspects of it.
We're making meaning of certain aspects of it or interpreting it in certain ways that are then going to impact how we feel about the experience. And that's going to further color the experience that we continue to have. So grounded in that reality that no matter how much as the person, as I shared earlier, I want it to be liked by everyone, not upsetting anyone.
We're making meaning of certain aspects of it or interpreting it in certain ways that are then going to impact how we feel about the experience. And that's going to further color the experience that we continue to have. So grounded in that reality that no matter how much as the person, as I shared earlier, I want it to be liked by everyone, not upsetting anyone.
After having moments where it doesn't matter how we say things, sometimes people will see and will filter and will interpret. Our saying, our actions, our self-expression in a way that's more connected to them than to it is at us at all.
After having moments where it doesn't matter how we say things, sometimes people will see and will filter and will interpret. Our saying, our actions, our self-expression in a way that's more connected to them than to it is at us at all.
So living in authenticity means, as I've discovered, which is quite difficult even for me to this day, learning how to be misinterpreted, learning how to disappoint others or to be someone that they think we are. When in reality, I know in my heart who I am. And this doesn't mean, of course, two things.
So living in authenticity means, as I've discovered, which is quite difficult even for me to this day, learning how to be misinterpreted, learning how to disappoint others or to be someone that they think we are. When in reality, I know in my heart who I am. And this doesn't mean, of course, two things.
I was wondering like why is it that I'm not being as impactful as a therapist? Why is it that I'm struggling repeating my own patterns in my personal relationships? And when I went online and discovered a whole new world of science that was not offered to me in my training program,
I was wondering like why is it that I'm not being as impactful as a therapist? Why is it that I'm struggling repeating my own patterns in my personal relationships? And when I went online and discovered a whole new world of science that was not offered to me in my training program,
It doesn't mean that we take in all of the feedback, especially when we are deciding to live more publicly or to present ourselves more publicly where groups of people are seeing our ideas or hearing our ideas and seeing our self-expression. It on the one hand doesn't mean that we take all of the feedback in as truth. Because they're interpreting it. So it's more subjective than objective.
It doesn't mean that we take in all of the feedback, especially when we are deciding to live more publicly or to present ourselves more publicly where groups of people are seeing our ideas or hearing our ideas and seeing our self-expression. It on the one hand doesn't mean that we take all of the feedback in as truth. Because they're interpreting it. So it's more subjective than objective.
So if I were to take everything everyone said of me as the reality of me and the experience of me, then I'm really going to limit myself in terms of disconnection from myself, in terms of taking on interpretations that aren't accurate. If on the other hand, I don't ever allow, especially those that are closest to me, that I have trust and a safe, secure relationship.
So if I were to take everything everyone said of me as the reality of me and the experience of me, then I'm really going to limit myself in terms of disconnection from myself, in terms of taking on interpretations that aren't accurate. If on the other hand, I don't ever allow, especially those that are closest to me, that I have trust and a safe, secure relationship.
This is why relationships can be our greatest teachers because we are blinded. to ourselves in so many ways. So the loved ones that we trust and relationships that we are secure within, I've heard many difficult truths that I did not imagine to be true about myself many times over the years, that it didn't mean I, again, just took it on as the truth of me, but what I was able to do was
This is why relationships can be our greatest teachers because we are blinded. to ourselves in so many ways. So the loved ones that we trust and relationships that we are secure within, I've heard many difficult truths that I did not imagine to be true about myself many times over the years, that it didn't mean I, again, just took it on as the truth of me, but what I was able to do was
try it on for size, as I like to say. Oh, interesting. On multiple occasions, I've heard this interpretation of me or my behavior. Let me see for myself if I could see where this perspective is coming from. So then I continue to be empowered as, as I was saying, this kind of self-healer mentality is
try it on for size, as I like to say. Oh, interesting. On multiple occasions, I've heard this interpretation of me or my behavior. Let me see for myself if I could see where this perspective is coming from. So then I continue to be empowered as, as I was saying, this kind of self-healer mentality is
the expert on me, I don't have to give away my power because someone else said it, though I might be able to learn a new perspective of me.
the expert on me, I don't have to give away my power because someone else said it, though I might be able to learn a new perspective of me.
science that included the body, our nervous system, nutrition, and really how powerful, in particular, our subconscious mind is. It opened so many doors for me and inspired me to then begin to not only think about myself holistically. Yes, I have a powerful mind, though I'm also, for me, living in a body that's carrying a lot of trauma, a lot of dysregulation from my earliest experiences.
science that included the body, our nervous system, nutrition, and really how powerful, in particular, our subconscious mind is. It opened so many doors for me and inspired me to then begin to not only think about myself holistically. Yes, I have a powerful mind, though I'm also, for me, living in a body that's carrying a lot of trauma, a lot of dysregulation from my earliest experiences.
I want to share a bit of compassion because I want to go back to this idea of hurt people hurt people. Yeah. I think what has caused this level of fear in the collective to such the extent that we're afraid to share our thoughts within our family sometimes, within our Facebook groups, our friends or whatever, is the trauma, intergenerational trauma that so many of us are carrying.
I want to share a bit of compassion because I want to go back to this idea of hurt people hurt people. Yeah. I think what has caused this level of fear in the collective to such the extent that we're afraid to share our thoughts within our family sometimes, within our Facebook groups, our friends or whatever, is the trauma, intergenerational trauma that so many of us are carrying.
When we have that wounding from some of us from generations before us, when we're in what I call and write about in the new book as survival brain, we are focused on our survival on our identity as we know it and we struggle to tolerate difference in opinion we literally feel attacked in those moments and so i think why it is at scale canceling and all of these
When we have that wounding from some of us from generations before us, when we're in what I call and write about in the new book as survival brain, we are focused on our survival on our identity as we know it and we struggle to tolerate difference in opinion we literally feel attacked in those moments and so i think why it is at scale canceling and all of these
fear-based behaviors, that's what I view them as being, is because we have a very wounded collective, wounded from our ancestors, wounded from certain, you know, socio-political structures that still exist to this day. And we are walking around in threat or feeling threatened by all of the shared humanity around us.
fear-based behaviors, that's what I view them as being, is because we have a very wounded collective, wounded from our ancestors, wounded from certain, you know, socio-political structures that still exist to this day. And we are walking around in threat or feeling threatened by all of the shared humanity around us.
And I, like most of us, are running on that blind autopilot, which allowed me to understand why the clients I was working with were struggling to, as I say, build that bridge from insight into action or to really make use of the conversations we were having and the tools that we were having.
And I, like most of us, are running on that blind autopilot, which allowed me to understand why the clients I was working with were struggling to, as I say, build that bridge from insight into action or to really make use of the conversations we were having and the tools that we were having.
now more of this incredible conversation together and so i would say that it's kind of the hurt that's coming out in all of these now public arenas yeah that's coming from a very real insecure emotionally threatened place where the individual who's doing the canceling or the threatening is reacting in the only way that they know how to gain some sense of security of safety of control
now more of this incredible conversation together and so i would say that it's kind of the hurt that's coming out in all of these now public arenas yeah that's coming from a very real insecure emotionally threatened place where the individual who's doing the canceling or the threatening is reacting in the only way that they know how to gain some sense of security of safety of control
And what I hope to be a contributor to is the global shift that I'm seeing happening at the same time of so many of us breaking cycles, beginning to heal, creating nervous system regulation as opposed to dysregulation, shifting out of that survival brain where we can only focus on difference and react.
And what I hope to be a contributor to is the global shift that I'm seeing happening at the same time of so many of us breaking cycles, beginning to heal, creating nervous system regulation as opposed to dysregulation, shifting out of that survival brain where we can only focus on difference and react.
as threatened by difference and being able to go back to the collaborative, compassionate creatures that I truly believe is in the hearts and wiring of each and every one of us. So I'm, as being on the receiving end of quite difficult public experiences myself,
as threatened by difference and being able to go back to the collaborative, compassionate creatures that I truly believe is in the hearts and wiring of each and every one of us. So I'm, as being on the receiving end of quite difficult public experiences myself,
having gone on my own individual journey of change, incredible change, transformation, it inspired me to then update my practice. So really simply holistic is honoring the powerful mind, the body that we're all living in, the physiological imbalances that are driving many of our repeated patterns.
having gone on my own individual journey of change, incredible change, transformation, it inspired me to then update my practice. So really simply holistic is honoring the powerful mind, the body that we're all living in, the physiological imbalances that are driving many of our repeated patterns.
as destabilizing as that was for me emotionally, because I want to acknowledge anyone who's put a post up and gotten that severe type of reaction or has lost jobs and income and relationships is traumatizing. It put me in a state of for several months of nervous system dysregulation because we need to belong.
as destabilizing as that was for me emotionally, because I want to acknowledge anyone who's put a post up and gotten that severe type of reaction or has lost jobs and income and relationships is traumatizing. It put me in a state of for several months of nervous system dysregulation because we need to belong.
And when we are losing financial resources, when we are losing relationships and community as some of us are completely ostracized, it is traumatizing. It's gonna activate our nervous system in the deepest way. So I wanna be really sensitive to both participants
And when we are losing financial resources, when we are losing relationships and community as some of us are completely ostracized, it is traumatizing. It's gonna activate our nervous system in the deepest way. So I wanna be really sensitive to both participants
the ones canceling and the ones on the receiving end because i see it as just wounded individuals trying to seek some semblance of safety and identity the only way that they know how and again at the same time i see so much hope for the future for so many of us that are learning how to rewire our nervous systems, create regulation, actually able to tolerate differences.
the ones canceling and the ones on the receiving end because i see it as just wounded individuals trying to seek some semblance of safety and identity the only way that they know how and again at the same time i see so much hope for the future for so many of us that are learning how to rewire our nervous systems, create regulation, actually able to tolerate differences.
Even if we may never agree on a particular topic, we don't have to tear people down and we can negotiate for the greater good of everyone.
Even if we may never agree on a particular topic, we don't have to tear people down and we can negotiate for the greater good of everyone.
Yeah, and I want to talk just quickly about the science of being ostracized and not belonging, whether it's in the third grade or us as adults. It all activates the same physical pain center in our brain. When I say we are wired to connect, we need community. I mean, it goes down to we physically hurt when we don't feel belonged or when we are objectively cast out or ostracized.
Yeah, and I want to talk just quickly about the science of being ostracized and not belonging, whether it's in the third grade or us as adults. It all activates the same physical pain center in our brain. When I say we are wired to connect, we need community. I mean, it goes down to we physically hurt when we don't feel belonged or when we are objectively cast out or ostracized.
So in a lot of ways, it is a shared experience of the pain that comes along with those moments of exclusion. So sensitive moments. And acknowledging that, I think self-compassion is one of the biggest important things to do. When we're being made to feel that something is unworthy or wrong or damaged about us that we can't belong because of others' actions or inactions,
So in a lot of ways, it is a shared experience of the pain that comes along with those moments of exclusion. So sensitive moments. And acknowledging that, I think self-compassion is one of the biggest important things to do. When we're being made to feel that something is unworthy or wrong or damaged about us that we can't belong because of others' actions or inactions,
In that moment, never is it so important to extend our self-compassion, not to just believe what is happening for all of the reasons we just talked about, and to gain and find, if we don't yet have it, support. Who are the people that we can go to and talk about this? Because a lot of our – we judge our pain. We shame our pain.
In that moment, never is it so important to extend our self-compassion, not to just believe what is happening for all of the reasons we just talked about, and to gain and find, if we don't yet have it, support. Who are the people that we can go to and talk about this? Because a lot of our – we judge our pain. We shame our pain.
We may even try to convince ourself out of or hear from very well-meaning loved ones.
We may even try to convince ourself out of or hear from very well-meaning loved ones.
Don't worry about what they're, they don't mean it or, you know, you'll have friends later in life. I know a lot of children hear this when they're ostracized or bullied at school. Like don't take it, you know, don't take it personally. And then we hide it.
Don't worry about what they're, they don't mean it or, you know, you'll have friends later in life. I know a lot of children hear this when they're ostracized or bullied at school. Like don't take it, you know, don't take it personally. And then we hide it.
All of these things that we do to diminish or to suppress or to shame away those very real physiological feelings of pain, emotional feelings of pain.
All of these things that we do to diminish or to suppress or to shame away those very real physiological feelings of pain, emotional feelings of pain.
So being compassionate and present to how it feels and at the same time opening up the possibility, as we've been sharing, that it's not necessarily about us and finding the people or creating the relationships where we can feel included or belonged.
So being compassionate and present to how it feels and at the same time opening up the possibility, as we've been sharing, that it's not necessarily about us and finding the people or creating the relationships where we can feel included or belonged.
Very good question. I think therapy for each of us and the need for it is an individual journey. I think a lot of us will instinctively, that question will be easy to answer. A lot of it, like you're sharing, is colored by what we were taught about therapy, what we expect. therapy to offer us.
Very good question. I think therapy for each of us and the need for it is an individual journey. I think a lot of us will instinctively, that question will be easy to answer. A lot of it, like you're sharing, is colored by what we were taught about therapy, what we expect. therapy to offer us.
I think any time we feel or consider that we could be of benefit for either the safe supportive space that the relationship offers, an alternate perspective, if we don't feel comfortable sharing in our friend groups or in our families or with our loved ones what's really going on, having that space is so incredibly important.
I think any time we feel or consider that we could be of benefit for either the safe supportive space that the relationship offers, an alternate perspective, if we don't feel comfortable sharing in our friend groups or in our families or with our loved ones what's really going on, having that space is so incredibly important.
So that might be an indicator that therapy could be of really great benefit.
So that might be an indicator that therapy could be of really great benefit.
It's an indication. Yes. I think another common thing people love to do well intentionally is immediately offer advice, how they would solve very practically the problem. And having been on the receiving end of it, as I imagine many listeners have also, that can be very frustrating. And one of the greatest benefits of therapy is having space to be heard.
It's an indication. Yes. I think another common thing people love to do well intentionally is immediately offer advice, how they would solve very practically the problem. And having been on the receiving end of it, as I imagine many listeners have also, that can be very frustrating. And one of the greatest benefits of therapy is having space to be heard.
to gather our thoughts even, to explore even as we were talking about earlier, to get curious about who we are, what we want, what we think, how we feel.
to gather our thoughts even, to explore even as we were talking about earlier, to get curious about who we are, what we want, what we think, how we feel.
Therapy can be a very beautiful space to engage that curiosity with a listener who can listen, who isn't going to swoop in and give you their opinion immediately and giving you then the opportunity to have that self-reflection, which I think is incredibly, it's the first step of change.
Therapy can be a very beautiful space to engage that curiosity with a listener who can listen, who isn't going to swoop in and give you their opinion immediately and giving you then the opportunity to have that self-reflection, which I think is incredibly, it's the first step of change.
I'm going to answer this in a little bit of a cheeky way first, and then I'll give some a little bit practical things. I have yet to meet an adult who isn't in some way carrying some of the wounding of generations that came before us.
I'm going to answer this in a little bit of a cheeky way first, and then I'll give some a little bit practical things. I have yet to meet an adult who isn't in some way carrying some of the wounding of generations that came before us.
I've yet to meet, for many different reasons, very few of us have had that safe, secure, connected, curious, attuned, soothing relationship from a grounded, safe, secure, connected, soothing, or a person who is able to self-regulate in their early childhood. So I think the large majority of us are carrying, and I wouldn't, you know, messed up, effed up, whatever you want to call it.
I've yet to meet, for many different reasons, very few of us have had that safe, secure, connected, curious, attuned, soothing relationship from a grounded, safe, secure, connected, soothing, or a person who is able to self-regulate in their early childhood. So I think the large majority of us are carrying, and I wouldn't, you know, messed up, effed up, whatever you want to call it.
35.
35.
Human is, I think, a better way to think about it. We're carrying the remnants of all of those who came before us wired into our mind and body. I think in terms of relationship, if we want to apply this. because we are relational creatures, a lot of our messed upness can be seen in our relationships.
Human is, I think, a better way to think about it. We're carrying the remnants of all of those who came before us wired into our mind and body. I think in terms of relationship, if we want to apply this. because we are relational creatures, a lot of our messed upness can be seen in our relationships.
I think if you notice yourself feeling numb, feeling disconnected, or maybe on the other side of that, saying and doing hurtful things that you don't mean, I think those are indicators. I think another indicator, finding yourself chasing unavailable people in friendships, in romantic partnerships, or on the other side of it, bouncing from relationship to relationship yourself.
I think if you notice yourself feeling numb, feeling disconnected, or maybe on the other side of that, saying and doing hurtful things that you don't mean, I think those are indicators. I think another indicator, finding yourself chasing unavailable people in friendships, in romantic partnerships, or on the other side of it, bouncing from relationship to relationship yourself.
If you notice yourself regularly shutting down or withdrawing in relationship or when you're around other people or on the other side of that, repeating cycles of chaotic or intense behaviors or experiences, I think a common one that we think is passion. I have these high explosive arguments, crazy feeling arguments, and then this passionate makeup sex afterward.
If you notice yourself regularly shutting down or withdrawing in relationship or when you're around other people or on the other side of that, repeating cycles of chaotic or intense behaviors or experiences, I think a common one that we think is passion. I have these high explosive arguments, crazy feeling arguments, and then this passionate makeup sex afterward.
I think secure, grounded connection is secure, calm. It's grounded. And I think another thing, indicator that often we see in relationships is if we self-sabotage them, if we push people away as I had done for many years when we really one at them close.
I think secure, grounded connection is secure, calm. It's grounded. And I think another thing, indicator that often we see in relationships is if we self-sabotage them, if we push people away as I had done for many years when we really one at them close.
Or on the other side of that, if we struggle with any distance or space in relationships and feel responsible for someone else's needs like the caretaker I was describing earlier or responsible for someone else's emotions as I played many, many occasions in my past relationships. I think relationships is a great place to realize what our dysfunctional patterns are.
Or on the other side of that, if we struggle with any distance or space in relationships and feel responsible for someone else's needs like the caretaker I was describing earlier or responsible for someone else's emotions as I played many, many occasions in my past relationships. I think relationships is a great place to realize what our dysfunctional patterns are.
I wouldn't say that that's an indicator that we're messed up in any way. I think that's just an indicator of what we learned in our earliest relationships. And then we can create change in all of those respects.
I wouldn't say that that's an indicator that we're messed up in any way. I think that's just an indicator of what we learned in our earliest relationships. And then we can create change in all of those respects.
So I think therapy and therapy has been studied to the extent that researchers are very interested in what are the factors to determine good therapy or successful therapy. And research, I believe, has landed on the most number one predictor of whether therapy is good or will be impactful for you is the relationship. how safe and secure and connected you feel in relationship to that person.
So I think therapy and therapy has been studied to the extent that researchers are very interested in what are the factors to determine good therapy or successful therapy. And research, I believe, has landed on the most number one predictor of whether therapy is good or will be impactful for you is the relationship. how safe and secure and connected you feel in relationship to that person.
So then that I think allows a much more kind of individualized answer to this question, which can really be simplified by Do you feel like that person that you're going into week after week is a safe, secure, curious space where you can begin to explore yourself? And for a lot of people, I don't think that happens immediately on the first session.
So then that I think allows a much more kind of individualized answer to this question, which can really be simplified by Do you feel like that person that you're going into week after week is a safe, secure, curious space where you can begin to explore yourself? And for a lot of people, I don't think that happens immediately on the first session.
I think a lot of us have wounding from early relationships where maybe we did share things and it was used against us.
I think a lot of us have wounding from early relationships where maybe we did share things and it was used against us.
so allowing that possibility that it might take some time for us to feel comfortable being vulnerable and opening up yeah though is that person present with us in the room are they a secure or consistent i should say connective space where they're curious allowing us to then work through that discomfort but yeah research shows it's going to be very individualized so i could go to a therapist and be like oh this person is so great and this is why i
so allowing that possibility that it might take some time for us to feel comfortable being vulnerable and opening up yeah though is that person present with us in the room are they a secure or consistent i should say connective space where they're curious allowing us to then work through that discomfort but yeah research shows it's going to be very individualized so i could go to a therapist and be like oh this person is so great and this is why i
hesitant always to give recommendations or referrals, though I get asked quite frequently, because it is so much about the individual and what they need in that room to feel that safety and that security.
hesitant always to give recommendations or referrals, though I get asked quite frequently, because it is so much about the individual and what they need in that room to feel that safety and that security.
part just to be able which is part of the whole process of having that space to kind of share it all I think all relationships as I write about and how to be the love you see come back to safety and security whether it's your romantic partner your family your friend or your therapist yeah that is the foundation of connection and ultimately of attunement
part just to be able which is part of the whole process of having that space to kind of share it all I think all relationships as I write about and how to be the love you see come back to safety and security whether it's your romantic partner your family your friend or your therapist yeah that is the foundation of connection and ultimately of attunement
And I do think a lot of us look for the degrees or the training or the letters after people's name. And it's interesting even to watch the field itself expand. When I was deciding my training program to be a licensed clinician, essentially to have a practice, you had to get either the PhD, the clinical PhD that I received, or a degree called the PsyD.
And I do think a lot of us look for the degrees or the training or the letters after people's name. And it's interesting even to watch the field itself expand. When I was deciding my training program to be a licensed clinician, essentially to have a practice, you had to get either the PhD, the clinical PhD that I received, or a degree called the PsyD.
It was kind of the psychological version of clinical practice, if you will. As time continued and now to this day, there's other helping professionals, other degrees, other coaches that can create that safety and that security for individuals. So that I think is the foundation aside from degrees or letters or training programs that people came through.
It was kind of the psychological version of clinical practice, if you will. As time continued and now to this day, there's other helping professionals, other degrees, other coaches that can create that safety and that security for individuals. So that I think is the foundation aside from degrees or letters or training programs that people came through.
How able are they to be present and attuned and give you the opportunity to let down that guard however long it takes?
How able are they to be present and attuned and give you the opportunity to let down that guard however long it takes?
I want to acknowledge that therapists are human too.
I want to acknowledge that therapists are human too.
So they will be human in the room and some very much, very well intentioned with all the education could be having a reaction that is, you register, right?
So they will be human in the room and some very much, very well intentioned with all the education could be having a reaction that is, you register, right?
right they could say something directly in response to something that it is that you say they might give you the feeling that they're not fully comfortable with some and i would see this a lot with my colleagues who i was trained i did a lot of training in substance use so a lot of my clients would use substances at any point or like kind of across their recovery process and would have pretty severe diagnoses so i was really comfortable with seeing
right they could say something directly in response to something that it is that you say they might give you the feeling that they're not fully comfortable with some and i would see this a lot with my colleagues who i was trained i did a lot of training in substance use so a lot of my clients would use substances at any point or like kind of across their recovery process and would have pretty severe diagnoses so i was really comfortable with seeing
whoever really it is that walked into the room though. I would hear very directly in supervision circles from some colleagues who wouldn't want to see a type of person because it would make them feel insecure, ill-equipped, and probably refer them out for their own best interest. Just imagining the feeling in the room. So back to your then question, Jamie, which is our bodies are sensors.
whoever really it is that walked into the room though. I would hear very directly in supervision circles from some colleagues who wouldn't want to see a type of person because it would make them feel insecure, ill-equipped, and probably refer them out for their own best interest. Just imagining the feeling in the room. So back to your then question, Jamie, which is our bodies are sensors.
We will if we're connected to ourself. Even like you were describing earlier, those moments of misalignment when I feel tension, when my muscles begin to clench, when my heart rate begins to race, when my breath maybe becomes really quick and shallow or I'm holding my breath when I say something because I don't know how the person is going to react.
We will if we're connected to ourself. Even like you were describing earlier, those moments of misalignment when I feel tension, when my muscles begin to clench, when my heart rate begins to race, when my breath maybe becomes really quick and shallow or I'm holding my breath when I say something because I don't know how the person is going to react.
If I don't feel at ease in my body, if my muscles don't feel at ease, if I can't get a deep breath in from my belly, if my heart rate is not in that normal range throughout, of course, when we're sharing something new and vulnerable, we might feel that spike.
If I don't feel at ease in my body, if my muscles don't feel at ease, if I can't get a deep breath in from my belly, if my heart rate is not in that normal range throughout, of course, when we're sharing something new and vulnerable, we might feel that spike.
yeah initially especially if we're not used to but over the large majority of our sessions or time together are we able to and i do think a lot of people gain that from the clinical experience they come into the room and it's almost as if their body just feels at ease they kind of melt into the chair and they just feel more open to the conversation though our body will always tell us when something is aligned when something is threatening
yeah initially especially if we're not used to but over the large majority of our sessions or time together are we able to and i do think a lot of people gain that from the clinical experience they come into the room and it's almost as if their body just feels at ease they kind of melt into the chair and they just feel more open to the conversation though our body will always tell us when something is aligned when something is threatening
and giving again the therapist the the compassionate gift of humanity like i was saying not every therapist might be aligned for you and for the type of work that you want to do with them though it doesn't mean that there's anything inherently unworthy about you they're a human too they might be carrying their own past experience that is impacting their ability to receive yours
and giving again the therapist the the compassionate gift of humanity like i was saying not every therapist might be aligned for you and for the type of work that you want to do with them though it doesn't mean that there's anything inherently unworthy about you they're a human too they might be carrying their own past experience that is impacting their ability to receive yours
The first thing I would offer is a suggestion to celebrate that awareness. So we walk through life so blinded when we become aware that something is off, whether it's in our own relationship with ourself and our mental or emotional wellness or in our relationship with others. That's so important.
The first thing I would offer is a suggestion to celebrate that awareness. So we walk through life so blinded when we become aware that something is off, whether it's in our own relationship with ourself and our mental or emotional wellness or in our relationship with others. That's so important.
to acknowledge and celebrate before we shame whatever it is that we're coming to the awareness is off because that's a huge step in their direction of creating change, of finding balance again. Of course, if there's helpful relationships that you can seek out for support, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is sharing that awareness with a trusted loved one, right?
to acknowledge and celebrate before we shame whatever it is that we're coming to the awareness is off because that's a huge step in their direction of creating change, of finding balance again. Of course, if there's helpful relationships that you can seek out for support, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is sharing that awareness with a trusted loved one, right?
Telling someone of this instinct that you're having, right? that there is something going on on a deeper level that you might want and welcome support around. Going back even to this idea of offering help or suggestions, it might be helpful in that moment if you want a suggestion to let the person know, hey, I want to share something with you right now.
Telling someone of this instinct that you're having, right? that there is something going on on a deeper level that you might want and welcome support around. Going back even to this idea of offering help or suggestions, it might be helpful in that moment if you want a suggestion to let the person know, hey, I want to share something with you right now.
I'd love to hear your feedback or your advice. Or if you don't, hey, I'd love to share something with you right now and I would love for you just
I'd love to hear your feedback or your advice. Or if you don't, hey, I'd love to share something with you right now and I would love for you just
to listen because when we're being vulnerable by telling someone that we're entertaining the possibility that we're in need of help or support or that something is off in whatever way, some of us might want that objective feedback and hear what someone else might do or what they can offer us and a large majority of us might not.
to listen because when we're being vulnerable by telling someone that we're entertaining the possibility that we're in need of help or support or that something is off in whatever way, some of us might want that objective feedback and hear what someone else might do or what they can offer us and a large majority of us might not.
We might just want to have that space to feel accepted, to have someone just listen and tell us that they love and support us regardless of whatever it is that we're coming to the awareness of.
We might just want to have that space to feel accepted, to have someone just listen and tell us that they love and support us regardless of whatever it is that we're coming to the awareness of.
And then of course if we can gain support in whatever way is accessible to us, I mean depending on what it is that we're coming to the awareness of, finding the professional, finding the community, finding the tools and resources. Again, I think a lot of information is present in books these days and in the kind of worldwide web of information that we have access to.
And then of course if we can gain support in whatever way is accessible to us, I mean depending on what it is that we're coming to the awareness of, finding the professional, finding the community, finding the tools and resources. Again, I think a lot of information is present in books these days and in the kind of worldwide web of information that we have access to.
If there's something objective that we're needing help around and we know where to find it, of course, pursuing those action points. And if we're unclear, finding our way to someone that can offer us that direction.
If there's something objective that we're needing help around and we know where to find it, of course, pursuing those action points. And if we're unclear, finding our way to someone that can offer us that direction.
I want to, again, acknowledge the enormity of the task that is being a parent. Yeah. how foundational that early relationship is. So when I hear questions like this, I'm so very compassionate to the desires that so many, hopeful desires that so many of us have, especially those of us that look back and affirm we're not going to repeat that which happened to us.
I want to, again, acknowledge the enormity of the task that is being a parent. Yeah. how foundational that early relationship is. So when I hear questions like this, I'm so very compassionate to the desires that so many, hopeful desires that so many of us have, especially those of us that look back and affirm we're not going to repeat that which happened to us.
Again, going back to the cheeky joke earlier of we're all carrying the habits and patterns Served or allowed those of us before us to adapt.
Again, going back to the cheeky joke earlier of we're all carrying the habits and patterns Served or allowed those of us before us to adapt.
Yeah, and this is I think that area of building that bridge from insight and awareness into action Because we could read the greatest parenting book of all time we could have the script right for the thing to say to break the habit to stop doing the thing that happened to us so that our children could be not as impacted or not messed up and
Yeah, and this is I think that area of building that bridge from insight and awareness into action Because we could read the greatest parenting book of all time we could have the script right for the thing to say to break the habit to stop doing the thing that happened to us so that our children could be not as impacted or not messed up and
So you'll always hear me break down change, ending a relationship that hurts us down into two steps.
So you'll always hear me break down change, ending a relationship that hurts us down into two steps.
if in our this goes back to even that idea that we're talking about in therapeutic relationships if we don't feel safe and secure like that home base that curious home base that our child needs to explore and discover who they are yeah then those scripts and that parenting book is only going to go so far so it really is parenting anytime we want to shift the dynamic in a relationship
if in our this goes back to even that idea that we're talking about in therapeutic relationships if we don't feel safe and secure like that home base that curious home base that our child needs to explore and discover who they are yeah then those scripts and that parenting book is only going to go so far so it really is parenting anytime we want to shift the dynamic in a relationship
It really begins again with that foundational relationship with ourselves, all of you as the parent. Really becoming aware of the habits and patterns that you've adapted into that have served you at one time. Not just affirming that you want to change it or reading the book on how to change it.
It really begins again with that foundational relationship with ourselves, all of you as the parent. Really becoming aware of the habits and patterns that you've adapted into that have served you at one time. Not just affirming that you want to change it or reading the book on how to change it.
Embodying the work because children are so much more impacted not by what we say but by what they see us doing and more so by how they experience us. And on saying that, to also say children appreciate transparency, vulnerability, humanity, having moments where we acknowledge.
Embodying the work because children are so much more impacted not by what we say but by what they see us doing and more so by how they experience us. And on saying that, to also say children appreciate transparency, vulnerability, humanity, having moments where we acknowledge.
I think this is another area where parents, you know, for very well-intentioned reasons, think that they have to hide their struggles behind the door or not let their children see them cry or have an upsetting emotion.
I think this is another area where parents, you know, for very well-intentioned reasons, think that they have to hide their struggles behind the door or not let their children see them cry or have an upsetting emotion.
Or coming back to their children saying, hey, I want to acknowledge that I screamed and yelled or I closed myself off from you emotionally. How healing that would have been if I heard that from my mom. Hey, little Nicole, I know I gave you the silent treatment, though it was nothing about you. I was overwhelmed by how I was feeling. How healing those moments can be.
Or coming back to their children saying, hey, I want to acknowledge that I screamed and yelled or I closed myself off from you emotionally. How healing that would have been if I heard that from my mom. Hey, little Nicole, I know I gave you the silent treatment, though it was nothing about you. I was overwhelmed by how I was feeling. How healing those moments can be.
Children are humans and humans are attuned creatures. They're sensing. I remember so many moments in childhood where I just knew something was up in the family I don't even know if it was spoken about behind closed doors to each other. I think it was just this individual experience of worry, of concern that was so palpable.
Children are humans and humans are attuned creatures. They're sensing. I remember so many moments in childhood where I just knew something was up in the family I don't even know if it was spoken about behind closed doors to each other. I think it was just this individual experience of worry, of concern that was so palpable.
And over time, if we don't align the reality or speak the reality to our children, what they will do is begin to distrust their instincts or even disconnect from them entirely. Because if they're feeling one way and being told it's another way, they will believe the parent on whom they're dependent and they will disbelieve themselves.
And over time, if we don't align the reality or speak the reality to our children, what they will do is begin to distrust their instincts or even disconnect from them entirely. Because if they're feeling one way and being told it's another way, they will believe the parent on whom they're dependent and they will disbelieve themselves.
I think another version of this is the very well-intentioned helicopter parent who tries to mitigate or minimize or remove any possible suffering entirely from their child, trying to buffer essentially them. And the byproduct of that is not only is that an unrealistic expectation that that child might develop then,
I think another version of this is the very well-intentioned helicopter parent who tries to mitigate or minimize or remove any possible suffering entirely from their child, trying to buffer essentially them. And the byproduct of that is not only is that an unrealistic expectation that that child might develop then,
that life isn't hard, that there aren't challenges, that there isn't natural stressful experiences or upsetting experiences that we go through, their bodies, back to this holistic model, won't have the ability to tolerate discomfort, stress, upset. And again, I think a lot of this comes from pain that parents experience themselves.
that life isn't hard, that there aren't challenges, that there isn't natural stressful experiences or upsetting experiences that we go through, their bodies, back to this holistic model, won't have the ability to tolerate discomfort, stress, upset. And again, I think a lot of this comes from pain that parents experience themselves.
not wanting to pass that pain on or their child to have any version of that experience and then they build this buffer or try to they exhaust themselves in doing it and then the byproduct is as a child who's not emotionally resilient can't deal we want our children to be able to have difficult experiences to have us as a safe home base to return to
not wanting to pass that pain on or their child to have any version of that experience and then they build this buffer or try to they exhaust themselves in doing it and then the byproduct is as a child who's not emotionally resilient can't deal we want our children to be able to have difficult experiences to have us as a safe home base to return to
and over time to develop their own ability to either self-regulate through difficulty or their ability to know when they need the support and then to rely on others to help them co-regulate.
and over time to develop their own ability to either self-regulate through difficulty or their ability to know when they need the support and then to rely on others to help them co-regulate.
form of abuse it was very difficult for me to in any aspect of my childhood experience put that label on things mm-hmm though I've come to realize that it is a form of emotional abuse removing especially in childhood those emotional connections on which our nervous system is reliant to regulate ourselves and then leaving us with the overwhelming pain right our brain is lighting up from this disconnected moment
form of abuse it was very difficult for me to in any aspect of my childhood experience put that label on things mm-hmm though I've come to realize that it is a form of emotional abuse removing especially in childhood those emotional connections on which our nervous system is reliant to regulate ourselves and then leaving us with the overwhelming pain right our brain is lighting up from this disconnected moment
possibly leaving us with whatever the upset is that caused the silent treatment or the disconnection from someone else. Now we're completely, that's what trauma is, right? It's the overwhelm that exists in our bodies when we don't have the support to deal with the emotions that we're experiencing.
possibly leaving us with whatever the upset is that caused the silent treatment or the disconnection from someone else. Now we're completely, that's what trauma is, right? It's the overwhelm that exists in our bodies when we don't have the support to deal with the emotions that we're experiencing.
So allowing, and I will be the first to admit, as painful as it was to having been on the receiving end of that experience, I have the habit at times instinctually to want to give my loved ones a silent treatment, to want to remove myself, be cold emotionally, if not go silent entirely, to disappear for the day and not respond to their text of interest, of worry, of anything.
So allowing, and I will be the first to admit, as painful as it was to having been on the receiving end of that experience, I have the habit at times instinctually to want to give my loved ones a silent treatment, to want to remove myself, be cold emotionally, if not go silent entirely, to disappear for the day and not respond to their text of interest, of worry, of anything.
And so I will be the first to admit that we might carry very painful, shameful habits that we were on the receiving end of.
And so I will be the first to admit that we might carry very painful, shameful habits that we were on the receiving end of.
And this goes back to my inability to be with my emotional upset, my inability to acknowledge my upset to someone on whose relationship I'm in desire of having, my inability to have those moments of repair or reconnection after there's natural conflict or upset in a relationship. So I literally become just as overwhelmed as my mom once was, and then I end up doing the same thing.
And this goes back to my inability to be with my emotional upset, my inability to acknowledge my upset to someone on whose relationship I'm in desire of having, my inability to have those moments of repair or reconnection after there's natural conflict or upset in a relationship. So I literally become just as overwhelmed as my mom once was, and then I end up doing the same thing.
Before I can even entertain a thought like, who am I to do this very great thing that I could even see as being possible? And I think, again, I'm speaking possibly to a lot of the women listening in particular. There was a very conditioned pleaser part of me, people pleaser.
Before I can even entertain a thought like, who am I to do this very great thing that I could even see as being possible? And I think, again, I'm speaking possibly to a lot of the women listening in particular. There was a very conditioned pleaser part of me, people pleaser.
I think it's similar to the extent that upset happened and the individual who's ghosting. Even if it's just as simple as I'm not interested in you and I can't, whether or not there was conflict or upset that happened, you know, a lot of times we'll date someone for a couple times and then we'll
I think it's similar to the extent that upset happened and the individual who's ghosting. Even if it's just as simple as I'm not interested in you and I can't, whether or not there was conflict or upset that happened, you know, a lot of times we'll date someone for a couple times and then we'll
ghost them because I don't have the ability to directly acknowledge to you that I don't want to pursue a relationship with you. I think anytime we disconnect to that extent that we're ghosting or removing ourselves from a relationship is born out of a discomfort that that person is feeling. And now I think, yes, we have block features. We have all of these ways that we can
ghost them because I don't have the ability to directly acknowledge to you that I don't want to pursue a relationship with you. I think anytime we disconnect to that extent that we're ghosting or removing ourselves from a relationship is born out of a discomfort that that person is feeling. And now I think, yes, we have block features. We have all of these ways that we can
to instantly ghost someone.
to instantly ghost someone.
Exactly. Not have to acknowledge it to ourselves sometimes, to that other person, not to have that difficult... And again, I'll be the first to admit, I've ghosted people in my past, unable, nothing even...
Exactly. Not have to acknowledge it to ourselves sometimes, to that other person, not to have that difficult... And again, I'll be the first to admit, I've ghosted people in my past, unable, nothing even...
dramatic having happened beginning to develop a relationship with someone determining that it isn't a relationship I want to pursue not having the ability or the emotional bandwidth to just acknowledge that directly and respect the person enough to say that and instead just to vanish from their life and then run away and then the byproduct of that not only are we hurtful to the person?
dramatic having happened beginning to develop a relationship with someone determining that it isn't a relationship I want to pursue not having the ability or the emotional bandwidth to just acknowledge that directly and respect the person enough to say that and instead just to vanish from their life and then run away and then the byproduct of that not only are we hurtful to the person?
Are we not giving them our actual reason so their mind is gonna interpret our absence? A lot of times we're left now looking over our shoulder and worry that we don't wanna now see the person that we've ghosted and we're carrying shame to have another experience or run in. So it's not helpful for anyone.
Are we not giving them our actual reason so their mind is gonna interpret our absence? A lot of times we're left now looking over our shoulder and worry that we don't wanna now see the person that we've ghosted and we're carrying shame to have another experience or run in. So it's not helpful for anyone.
Though again, I think it really comes down to we're not equipped, many of us as adults, even to have difficult conversations.
Though again, I think it really comes down to we're not equipped, many of us as adults, even to have difficult conversations.
that doubted my own truth for so long, even outside of my professional world where of course I had to worry about or I worried about what my colleagues would think, what everyone that came through a similar program would think that now that I'm talking about all of these other subjects in my personal life.
that doubted my own truth for so long, even outside of my professional world where of course I had to worry about or I worried about what my colleagues would think, what everyone that came through a similar program would think that now that I'm talking about all of these other subjects in my personal life.
And I think just to kind of while the reality for a lot of listeners will be those habits still remain. We still find ourselves mid-silent treatment. Maybe you're listening to this and you're giving someone a silent treatment right now. What could be the greatest gift is intentionally taking the moment to reconnect, to say and acknowledge what was going on for you.
And I think just to kind of while the reality for a lot of listeners will be those habits still remain. We still find ourselves mid-silent treatment. Maybe you're listening to this and you're giving someone a silent treatment right now. What could be the greatest gift is intentionally taking the moment to reconnect, to say and acknowledge what was going on for you.
Hey, I was really overwhelmed by what happened. I was really upset or dysregulated by the experience. And I did remove myself from our interaction or our relationship. Though it had everything to do with how I was feeling. And I think that can be the most healing, especially if it's our children that we're giving the silent treatment to.
Hey, I was really overwhelmed by what happened. I was really upset or dysregulated by the experience. And I did remove myself from our interaction or our relationship. Though it had everything to do with how I was feeling. And I think that can be the most healing, especially if it's our children that we're giving the silent treatment to.
Or on the other end of that, saying the things that we don't mean, the hurtful things or doing the hurtful things. Just as equally having the moment on the other side to acknowledge where it came from and relieving that person the responsibility of them being the cause or their worthiness being the cause.
Or on the other end of that, saying the things that we don't mean, the hurtful things or doing the hurtful things. Just as equally having the moment on the other side to acknowledge where it came from and relieving that person the responsibility of them being the cause or their worthiness being the cause.
So going back and celebrating awareness, you'll always hear me break down change, ending a relationship that hurts us, down into two steps. Becoming aware of the habit that's not serving us, the relationship that's hurting us, step one.
So going back and celebrating awareness, you'll always hear me break down change, ending a relationship that hurts us, down into two steps. Becoming aware of the habit that's not serving us, the relationship that's hurting us, step one.
I had spent decades, you know, three plus decades watering down my true perspectives on certain things, especially within my family. Being so disconnected from my emotions or if I was aware of what I was feeling in any given moment, I would suppress it, usually in concern of or if I had an idea of what I needed in any given moment,
I had spent decades, you know, three plus decades watering down my true perspectives on certain things, especially within my family. Being so disconnected from my emotions or if I was aware of what I was feeling in any given moment, I would suppress it, usually in concern of or if I had an idea of what I needed in any given moment,
Step two, making the new choices, which often, as we began the conversation, include foundationally our body and all of those deep-rooted beliefs that live in our body. All of the reasons why not to leave.
Step two, making the new choices, which often, as we began the conversation, include foundationally our body and all of those deep-rooted beliefs that live in our body. All of the reasons why not to leave.
All of that fear as if it's happening in real time right now and upset and rejection and abandonment and whatever it is and shame that we felt in childhood that created the habit of staying with people who hurt us. All of that is wired into us.
All of that fear as if it's happening in real time right now and upset and rejection and abandonment and whatever it is and shame that we felt in childhood that created the habit of staying with people who hurt us. All of that is wired into us.
And this was the biggest transformation in the practice as I began, which was realizing that all of the insight in the world, we could be like, oh, I'm aware that people hurt us or that this person is hurting me. We could have the very well-meaning support system that are shouting the red flags from the rafters and saying, hey girl, you got to get out of this. This is hurting you.
And this was the biggest transformation in the practice as I began, which was realizing that all of the insight in the world, we could be like, oh, I'm aware that people hurt us or that this person is hurting me. We could have the very well-meaning support system that are shouting the red flags from the rafters and saying, hey girl, you got to get out of this. This is hurting you.
I can't, I'm hurting watching you hurt. And until we understand that that won't build that bridge, that we have to make new choices that are very difficult, that are living in acknowledgement of the hurt.
I can't, I'm hurting watching you hurt. And until we understand that that won't build that bridge, that we have to make new choices that are very difficult, that are living in acknowledgement of the hurt.
that include new boundaries, that include walking in then to the unknown of how will this person react if I do create a boundary, if I do remove myself from the relationship depending on the nature of the hurt. What will that mean about me? What will that mean about my future in relationships? And entertaining the reality of all of the feelings that we learned it meant.
that include new boundaries, that include walking in then to the unknown of how will this person react if I do create a boundary, if I do remove myself from the relationship depending on the nature of the hurt. What will that mean about me? What will that mean about my future in relationships? And entertaining the reality of all of the feelings that we learned it meant.
I explain the physiology and the reasoning behind these difficulties to hopefully allow the person who's perhaps watching their loved one be hurt or pained by a relationship or even violated and outright abused, whatever it is. to allow them to shift from whatever they are, the way they are handling it or navigating it, to being a much more compassionate one.
I explain the physiology and the reasoning behind these difficulties to hopefully allow the person who's perhaps watching their loved one be hurt or pained by a relationship or even violated and outright abused, whatever it is. to allow them to shift from whatever they are, the way they are handling it or navigating it, to being a much more compassionate one.
Because I think loved ones can turn up the volume, can get frustrated, especially if it's someone that they continue to witness struggling to remove themselves from something that to them is objectively, overtly problematic in whatever way.
Because I think loved ones can turn up the volume, can get frustrated, especially if it's someone that they continue to witness struggling to remove themselves from something that to them is objectively, overtly problematic in whatever way.
So being in a more compassionate place, not just saying that you understand, giving the feeling of safety and understanding can be a dramatic shift for the person who's already struggling. A lot of us, I think, can feel judged by even very well-meaning loved ones who are trying to offer support because they don't know what to do.
So being in a more compassionate place, not just saying that you understand, giving the feeling of safety and understanding can be a dramatic shift for the person who's already struggling. A lot of us, I think, can feel judged by even very well-meaning loved ones who are trying to offer support because they don't know what to do.
Because the next reality that's very difficult to tolerate for those of us who are watching our loved ones be violated or hurt in any way is that they actually understand can't make them change. They can't zoom into their bodies and show up in a different way that might be even easier for them to show up or put a boundary to put in place.
Because the next reality that's very difficult to tolerate for those of us who are watching our loved ones be violated or hurt in any way is that they actually understand can't make them change. They can't zoom into their bodies and show up in a different way that might be even easier for them to show up or put a boundary to put in place.
I would play some tape forward in my head and then worry about how the person on the receiving end would experience me. Would I disappoint them? Would I upset them? So as I was coming to these new truths,
I would play some tape forward in my head and then worry about how the person on the receiving end would experience me. Would I disappoint them? Would I upset them? So as I was coming to these new truths,
That it really is up to that individual themselves to create that shift or that change in a dynamic.
That it really is up to that individual themselves to create that shift or that change in a dynamic.
What you can do, I think, in action is to ask the individual who's in that relationship how it is that they might be best supported. So I think that shift, you're not just watching on the sidelines.
What you can do, I think, in action is to ask the individual who's in that relationship how it is that they might be best supported. So I think that shift, you're not just watching on the sidelines.
I mean, shifting into a much more compassionate, safe, secure space for them to share with you is, in my opinion, not compliance. It's everything we've been talking about. It's what we're looking for and need in relationships. And I say this because if there is judgment that the person is feeling over time, this is where secrets start to happen.
I mean, shifting into a much more compassionate, safe, secure space for them to share with you is, in my opinion, not compliance. It's everything we've been talking about. It's what we're looking for and need in relationships. And I say this because if there is judgment that the person is feeling over time, this is where secrets start to happen.
They'll be less and less likely to tell you what's really happening because they want to now manage the perception, not hear from you something that they already intuitively know is problematic. They don't want you to affirm it in judgment. So they'll just tell you less of it. It's even back to parenting. I think a lot of parents very much want their child to turn to them in support.
They'll be less and less likely to tell you what's really happening because they want to now manage the perception, not hear from you something that they already intuitively know is problematic. They don't want you to affirm it in judgment. So they'll just tell you less of it. It's even back to parenting. I think a lot of parents very much want their child to turn to them in support.
but they have an immediate reaction to something upsetting that their child might share with them, making it maybe a little less likely that the child shares something upsetting with them again. And then directly asking. I think sometimes we minimize how helpful that can be because we might think we know what's helpful. I'm going to pluck the person from the relationship.
but they have an immediate reaction to something upsetting that their child might share with them, making it maybe a little less likely that the child shares something upsetting with them again. And then directly asking. I think sometimes we minimize how helpful that can be because we might think we know what's helpful. I'm going to pluck the person from the relationship.
I'm going to tell them to physically leave or come move in with me. That might feel like the most unhelpful suggestion in that moment. So directly asking the loved one who's in a difficult situation, what do they need to feel supported? What's one small thing we can do for them to help them in that moment?
I'm going to tell them to physically leave or come move in with me. That might feel like the most unhelpful suggestion in that moment. So directly asking the loved one who's in a difficult situation, what do they need to feel supported? What's one small thing we can do for them to help them in that moment?
that I was living in action and creating incredible transformation in my life, particularly around my experience of anxiety, which by that point I had thought, this would just be something I always experienced and being able to change and knowing in that kind of guttural soul place, wow, Nicole, this is really helping you. That conditioning was so strong.
that I was living in action and creating incredible transformation in my life, particularly around my experience of anxiety, which by that point I had thought, this would just be something I always experienced and being able to change and knowing in that kind of guttural soul place, wow, Nicole, this is really helping you. That conditioning was so strong.
Yes. We feel like, especially if it's our loved one, our partner, our child, if you loved me and valued our relationship enough, you would just stop whatever addictive behavior that it is. And I think that there are addictive behaviors outside of even using substances.
Yes. We feel like, especially if it's our loved one, our partner, our child, if you loved me and valued our relationship enough, you would just stop whatever addictive behavior that it is. And I think that there are addictive behaviors outside of even using substances.
we assign this personal meaning that we're not enough for them to want to stop. And I think this is another one of those areas that, in my opinion, at least addictive behaviors of all kind are a coping mechanism and are or need to become the responsibility or the daily choice that that person makes, of course, with the support of safe, connected others to help them.
we assign this personal meaning that we're not enough for them to want to stop. And I think this is another one of those areas that, in my opinion, at least addictive behaviors of all kind are a coping mechanism and are or need to become the responsibility or the daily choice that that person makes, of course, with the support of safe, connected others to help them.
Though until they are showing up in service of making new choices, unfortunately, and developing new ways to cope with whatever the underlying dysregulation is, those addictive behaviors might need to continue.
Though until they are showing up in service of making new choices, unfortunately, and developing new ways to cope with whatever the underlying dysregulation is, those addictive behaviors might need to continue.
I believe that those coping mechanisms develop in childhood, usually around deep-rooted beliefs of not enough, not worthy, inabilities to deal with very difficult and upsetting emotions, learning these addictive habits or what begin as behaviors that then turn into relied upon addictive habits to help them navigate these deep feelings.
I believe that those coping mechanisms develop in childhood, usually around deep-rooted beliefs of not enough, not worthy, inabilities to deal with very difficult and upsetting emotions, learning these addictive habits or what begin as behaviors that then turn into relied upon addictive habits to help them navigate these deep feelings.
And the emotions that come along with them, the shame, I think shame is at the foundation of a lot of these addictive behaviors. And then by focusing time, attention, getting the physiological components of these behaviors, many of them, the byproducts, is the distance that they need.
And the emotions that come along with them, the shame, I think shame is at the foundation of a lot of these addictive behaviors. And then by focusing time, attention, getting the physiological components of these behaviors, many of them, the byproducts, is the distance that they need.
And oftentimes it's because they don't feel that safety and the security in the earliest relationships to be who they are, to turn to others for the support that they need. And then they continue to rely on it. And this is why, again, I believe all healing, including of addictive behaviors, needs to be holistic.
And oftentimes it's because they don't feel that safety and the security in the earliest relationships to be who they are, to turn to others for the support that they need. And then they continue to rely on it. And this is why, again, I believe all healing, including of addictive behaviors, needs to be holistic.
There needs to be other ways that these individuals learn relational ways to cope and to gain the support that they need, right? It's not enough just to, you know, avoid the people, places and things. As I think I worked in a lot of people who were in, and I think a lot of people gain benefit of those AA model types of recovery. I'm not trying to, minimize the benefit.
There needs to be other ways that these individuals learn relational ways to cope and to gain the support that they need, right? It's not enough just to, you know, avoid the people, places and things. As I think I worked in a lot of people who were in, and I think a lot of people gain benefit of those AA model types of recovery. I'm not trying to, minimize the benefit.
But I think it needs to be much more of an embodied approach for the many that continues to relapse. Because until new coping tools and new relationships are built, it's only a matter of time before that emotional upset will come to the point of that returned reliance on the addictive way of coping.
But I think it needs to be much more of an embodied approach for the many that continues to relapse. Because until new coping tools and new relationships are built, it's only a matter of time before that emotional upset will come to the point of that returned reliance on the addictive way of coping.
So I was walking into my office doing traditional talk therapy and at the same time I was beginning to explore conceptually how I might teach these concepts to others to be able to ultimately use with my clients. And because it was starting to feel really inauthentic that I wasn't sharing, once I had started to make the progress I was making, I started to feel like, oh, I need to.
So I was walking into my office doing traditional talk therapy and at the same time I was beginning to explore conceptually how I might teach these concepts to others to be able to ultimately use with my clients. And because it was starting to feel really inauthentic that I wasn't sharing, once I had started to make the progress I was making, I started to feel like, oh, I need to.
That vernacular is so common. I think probably people are shaking their heads like, yes, that is true. This person does make me feel responsible.
That vernacular is so common. I think probably people are shaking their heads like, yes, that is true. This person does make me feel responsible.
comes from an early learned experience where there did lack those emotional boundaries, where we weren't modeled by emotionally mature adults, which really simply means ability to own emotions, to regulate emotions, and to take responsibility for the reactions that come from emotions. For me as a psychologist, there was in the field an evolving view of what emotions are.
comes from an early learned experience where there did lack those emotional boundaries, where we weren't modeled by emotionally mature adults, which really simply means ability to own emotions, to regulate emotions, and to take responsibility for the reactions that come from emotions. For me as a psychologist, there was in the field an evolving view of what emotions are.
And I think a lot of, even clinicians, have this idea that emotions come somehow from our mind, from our thoughts. I think CBT, the gold standard of treatment here, this idea of change the way you think, change the way you feel, change what you do.
And I think a lot of, even clinicians, have this idea that emotions come somehow from our mind, from our thoughts. I think CBT, the gold standard of treatment here, this idea of change the way you think, change the way you feel, change what you do.
and learning for me that emotions, another model of what emotions are as originating in the body, of course being colored by our mental narratives or interpretations, though emotions, especially the core emotions, sadness, surprise, joy, anger, fear, they're physiological shifts and changes that register in our body first.
and learning for me that emotions, another model of what emotions are as originating in the body, of course being colored by our mental narratives or interpretations, though emotions, especially the core emotions, sadness, surprise, joy, anger, fear, they're physiological shifts and changes that register in our body first.
And then this goes back to even those subjective interpretations that we offer. We, our body registers outside of our awareness, our nervous systems, always scanning our environment, trying to determine if it's safe, trying to determine what we need to do next to continue to ensure my safety. So physiological changes are happening in my body that we could call emotions.
And then this goes back to even those subjective interpretations that we offer. We, our body registers outside of our awareness, our nervous systems, always scanning our environment, trying to determine if it's safe, trying to determine what we need to do next to continue to ensure my safety. So physiological changes are happening in my body that we could call emotions.
And at the same time, those messages are being sent to our mind. And now we're applying those unique subjective interpretations of what's happening, which is why, like that example I used earlier, all of us having an experience, same one objectively, we might all feel differently, right?
And at the same time, those messages are being sent to our mind. And now we're applying those unique subjective interpretations of what's happening, which is why, like that example I used earlier, all of us having an experience, same one objectively, we might all feel differently, right?
about it and another really common example and if you maybe in childhood had a parent that barged into your room or there was a lot of slamming of doors and loud noises if you and I were sitting here Jamie and you had that parent and a door slammed you might feel fear right your heart rate might race you might become tense you might start to sweat because you are
about it and another really common example and if you maybe in childhood had a parent that barged into your room or there was a lot of slamming of doors and loud noises if you and I were sitting here Jamie and you had that parent and a door slammed you might feel fear right your heart rate might race you might become tense you might start to sweat because you are
going to apply that same interpretation. Loud noises mean something threatening is going to happen next. My space is going to be violated. Maybe if you're in witness to explosive arguments, I'm going to feel unsafe. If I, on the other hand, am having that same experience right alongside of you, And I didn't have that experience of loud noises in childhood or of having my room barged in on.
going to apply that same interpretation. Loud noises mean something threatening is going to happen next. My space is going to be violated. Maybe if you're in witness to explosive arguments, I'm going to feel unsafe. If I, on the other hand, am having that same experience right alongside of you, And I didn't have that experience of loud noises in childhood or of having my room barged in on.
I might simply just turn around to see what happened without being scared or fearful and then habitually reacting in the same way. So I'd like to give the underlying explanation, physiological, so to simply answer the question.
I might simply just turn around to see what happened without being scared or fearful and then habitually reacting in the same way. So I'd like to give the underlying explanation, physiological, so to simply answer the question.
our emotions and what we call feelings, our individual interpretations of what's happening around us, the shifts in physiology when that thing happens or doesn't happen, the person does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say, the meaning that our mind assigned, that it probably has been assigning to similar circumstances across our lifetime, and then the result of
our emotions and what we call feelings, our individual interpretations of what's happening around us, the shifts in physiology when that thing happens or doesn't happen, the person does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say, the meaning that our mind assigned, that it probably has been assigning to similar circumstances across our lifetime, and then the result of
is this very understandable perception that you, in action or inaction, caused me to feel this way. Go back to those two stages. If we become aware of the shifts that are happening in my body as life's happening around me, of the very repeated narratives or interpretations or meanings my mind is assigning, and then of habitually what I do, sometimes shamefully,
is this very understandable perception that you, in action or inaction, caused me to feel this way. Go back to those two stages. If we become aware of the shifts that are happening in my body as life's happening around me, of the very repeated narratives or interpretations or meanings my mind is assigning, and then of habitually what I do, sometimes shamefully,
have these conversations, especially with some particular clients that I knew would be open to it. So I was very honest as I started at the same time seeing my online platform develop, the community develop, seeing and hearing the need for these holistic kind of models and desire to work with me one-on-one. started to open up some sessions. So I was doing holistic work at the same time.
have these conversations, especially with some particular clients that I knew would be open to it. So I was very honest as I started at the same time seeing my online platform develop, the community develop, seeing and hearing the need for these holistic kind of models and desire to work with me one-on-one. started to open up some sessions. So I was doing holistic work at the same time.
on the heels of that reactive moment now within that awareness i have choice to say you know what this happened and i do feel this way though it is not of no cause or fault of your own and now i could take responsibility for learning new ways to soothe or to tend to my emotions
on the heels of that reactive moment now within that awareness i have choice to say you know what this happened and i do feel this way though it is not of no cause or fault of your own and now i could take responsibility for learning new ways to soothe or to tend to my emotions
Change happens when we first see what we're doing and then when we give ourselves the time and space without shame, without judgment to get curious.
Change happens when we first see what we're doing and then when we give ourselves the time and space without shame, without judgment to get curious.
You'll make me so mad. Yeah, that's so true. And I think another hand-in-hand with this is we personalize. We assume that people are doing or not doing things on purpose to annoy us, especially in those long-term relationships.
You'll make me so mad. Yeah, that's so true. And I think another hand-in-hand with this is we personalize. We assume that people are doing or not doing things on purpose to annoy us, especially in those long-term relationships.
You didn't do the dishes specifically to upset me today when the reason the dishes weren't done might have had nothing to do or we might not even have been on our partner's radar in that moment that we might have liked to be.
You didn't do the dishes specifically to upset me today when the reason the dishes weren't done might have had nothing to do or we might not even have been on our partner's radar in that moment that we might have liked to be.
But it might not have been as an intentional thing. of an act or inaction. I think that's another thing we commonly do.
But it might not have been as an intentional thing. of an act or inaction. I think that's another thing we commonly do.
We assume a very directed, intentional meaning for others' behaviors that has something to do with us when the partner might have been running out of the house quickly or not had the emotional bandwidth to tend to something in the physical world in that moment and had nothing to do with us at all.
We assume a very directed, intentional meaning for others' behaviors that has something to do with us when the partner might have been running out of the house quickly or not had the emotional bandwidth to tend to something in the physical world in that moment and had nothing to do with us at all.
And then because I didn't feel in alignment, I spoke directly to the clients that I was seeing traditionally and let them know what I was doing, imagining that some might happen upon my account. Like, oh, what is this? What is she talking about here?
And then because I didn't feel in alignment, I spoke directly to the clients that I was seeing traditionally and let them know what I was doing, imagining that some might happen upon my account. Like, oh, what is this? What is she talking about here?
And we don't want to go back and feel that pain again. It's very understandable, this idea that that's back there. It's not here now. What's important, I think, is to understand the distinction between the word I keep using, becoming conscious or aware of something that I like to describe like overhead lights on in a room.
And we don't want to go back and feel that pain again. It's very understandable, this idea that that's back there. It's not here now. What's important, I think, is to understand the distinction between the word I keep using, becoming conscious or aware of something that I like to describe like overhead lights on in a room.
We're able to note the presence of the thoughts, the repetitive thoughts quite often, the sensations or emotions in the body, the then behaviors oftentimes driven by habitual autopilot that we're enacting in any given moment. That is different than a hyper-focused thinking.
We're able to note the presence of the thoughts, the repetitive thoughts quite often, the sensations or emotions in the body, the then behaviors oftentimes driven by habitual autopilot that we're enacting in any given moment. That is different than a hyper-focused thinking.
or a kind of thinking about that like a spotlight and a lot of us and this would come up too in traditional therapy when we continue to ruminate whether in our own minds about what happened whether in you know relational or therapeutic experience where we're hyper focusing talking about what happened even some of us misconstrue what self-awareness is and we think we're self-analyzing
or a kind of thinking about that like a spotlight and a lot of us and this would come up too in traditional therapy when we continue to ruminate whether in our own minds about what happened whether in you know relational or therapeutic experience where we're hyper focusing talking about what happened even some of us misconstrue what self-awareness is and we think we're self-analyzing
And knowing it could be a value, though ultimately I let the client determine whether or not it was something they were comfortable in continuing to hear about, whether they wanted to talk a little more practically about applying some of the tools. And some did. And some very much were more interested in just having that space to be supportive, to get the traditional talk therapy.
And knowing it could be a value, though ultimately I let the client determine whether or not it was something they were comfortable in continuing to hear about, whether they wanted to talk a little more practically about applying some of the tools. And some did. And some very much were more interested in just having that space to be supportive, to get the traditional talk therapy.
by always thinking about what happened or its impact in the current moment. Anytime we're in that zoomed in kind of thinking activity, not just illumination, lights are on, I can note it, I can easily, just as equally easily choose to put my attention somewhere else. Then I think the byproduct of that can be that idea of right where my attention goes, my energy flows, it's becoming bigger.
by always thinking about what happened or its impact in the current moment. Anytime we're in that zoomed in kind of thinking activity, not just illumination, lights are on, I can note it, I can easily, just as equally easily choose to put my attention somewhere else. Then I think the byproduct of that can be that idea of right where my attention goes, my energy flows, it's becoming bigger.
I'm becoming consumed by what happened, only focused on what happened. Or keeping myself impossible of thinking about anything else sometimes because I think I'm self-analyzing or self-discovering. So becoming conscious is the most empowering step of change as I've been sharing throughout.
I'm becoming consumed by what happened, only focused on what happened. Or keeping myself impossible of thinking about anything else sometimes because I think I'm self-analyzing or self-discovering. So becoming conscious is the most empowering step of change as I've been sharing throughout.
Becoming aware because even if we do think the past is decades in our rear view mirror, chances are there are some habits that
Becoming aware because even if we do think the past is decades in our rear view mirror, chances are there are some habits that
that have become ingrained from the way we think or what we believe about ourself that was greatly impacted by what we were made to think or believe about ourself in childhood to the way that we, our relationship with our emotions, how we express them, how we navigate them, how we soothe them, how we turn to others for support or we don't was greatly impacted by that level of emotional attunement or the consistency upon which our early caregivers were able to soothe us, teaching us how to then soothe ourselves.
that have become ingrained from the way we think or what we believe about ourself that was greatly impacted by what we were made to think or believe about ourself in childhood to the way that we, our relationship with our emotions, how we express them, how we navigate them, how we soothe them, how we turn to others for support or we don't was greatly impacted by that level of emotional attunement or the consistency upon which our early caregivers were able to soothe us, teaching us how to then soothe ourselves.
Mm-hmm. And the way we connect to others is greatly impacted by what we had to do or stop doing in those early relationships to maintain connection. So until we become conscious of what we might be carrying from our past, then even those of us that are trying to close the lid on it and keep it in that rearview mirror are unfortunately probably enacting it
Mm-hmm. And the way we connect to others is greatly impacted by what we had to do or stop doing in those early relationships to maintain connection. So until we become conscious of what we might be carrying from our past, then even those of us that are trying to close the lid on it and keep it in that rearview mirror are unfortunately probably enacting it
in some way are probably continuing to have unmet needs or react from wounded places or not be in authentic self-expression or authentic relationships because that's what they once learned.
in some way are probably continuing to have unmet needs or react from wounded places or not be in authentic self-expression or authentic relationships because that's what they once learned.
The way to live the most fulfilled, expressed life is by turning those overhead lights of consciousness. is by giving ourself in each and every moment the opportunity to make choices tailored to that moment. Because we like to assign this unrealistic expectation of future telling, of being able to know exactly what it is we have to do in future moments.
The way to live the most fulfilled, expressed life is by turning those overhead lights of consciousness. is by giving ourself in each and every moment the opportunity to make choices tailored to that moment. Because we like to assign this unrealistic expectation of future telling, of being able to know exactly what it is we have to do in future moments.
So I honored them. Those arrangements until I got to the point of really wanting to transition over really fully and completely to doing the holistic work.
So I honored them. Those arrangements until I got to the point of really wanting to transition over really fully and completely to doing the holistic work.
And the reality of being a evolving organism in our energetic level, all of us humans, our energy, our shifting process, we don't actually know how to care for our physical body in the next five to ten years because we haven't been in that body yet to be able to attune to our ever-changing emotions based on our changing circumstances.
And the reality of being a evolving organism in our energetic level, all of us humans, our energy, our shifting process, we don't actually know how to care for our physical body in the next five to ten years because we haven't been in that body yet to be able to attune to our ever-changing emotions based on our changing circumstances.
In Self Healer Circle, one of the primary course that everyone is directed to upon enrollment is called A Week in Consciousness.
In Self Healer Circle, one of the primary course that everyone is directed to upon enrollment is called A Week in Consciousness.
I talk about it in the book too, a conscious check-in, which gives us the opportunity to engage this practice throughout our day, maybe setting an alarm on your phone, putting a post-it note up, joining up with an accountability buddy and having them text you at a certain time of the day or building around the thing you do every day, brushing your teeth, drinking coffee.
I talk about it in the book too, a conscious check-in, which gives us the opportunity to engage this practice throughout our day, maybe setting an alarm on your phone, putting a post-it note up, joining up with an accountability buddy and having them text you at a certain time of the day or building around the thing you do every day, brushing your teeth, drinking coffee.
And so in this moment, I can invite everyone, if it's safe to do so, of course, to just first notice where your attention is. Are you paying attention to the external environment? Are you distracted by what's going on around you? Are you maybe consumed or thinking about your thoughts, distracted by something in your internal world?
And so in this moment, I can invite everyone, if it's safe to do so, of course, to just first notice where your attention is. Are you paying attention to the external environment? Are you distracted by what's going on around you? Are you maybe consumed or thinking about your thoughts, distracted by something in your internal world?
Some of you might choose this as the safety part to close your eyes if you're not driving your car. Help you gain a little bit more awareness of where is your attention. And without judging, wherever it is, I want you to make the most empowering choice that you can make.
Some of you might choose this as the safety part to close your eyes if you're not driving your car. Help you gain a little bit more awareness of where is your attention. And without judging, wherever it is, I want you to make the most empowering choice that you can make.
which is to unhook your attention from those external distractions or your internal distractions of your thinking mind and refocus it on your body. And a couple hooks that you can use, some of you might even choose to put a hand on your chest or on your belly and begin to just notice your normal rhythm of breath.
which is to unhook your attention from those external distractions or your internal distractions of your thinking mind and refocus it on your body. And a couple hooks that you can use, some of you might even choose to put a hand on your chest or on your belly and begin to just notice your normal rhythm of breath.
Our breath is always available as a beautiful embodiment practice, shifting focus away from everything else and just beginning to pay attention for the next minute or two to your breath. Others, you can choose and maybe practice all of them and determine which one you resonate with most. Feel yourself grounded. This is a grounding practice.
Our breath is always available as a beautiful embodiment practice, shifting focus away from everything else and just beginning to pay attention for the next minute or two to your breath. Others, you can choose and maybe practice all of them and determine which one you resonate with most. Feel yourself grounded. This is a grounding practice.
What that means is if you're standing somewhere, maybe feel the weight of the heels upon the earth beneath you. If you're sitting or laying, maybe turn your attention to all of the different contact points, your thighs, your lower back. If you're laying, your entire body supported by the furniture of the earth beneath you.
What that means is if you're standing somewhere, maybe feel the weight of the heels upon the earth beneath you. If you're sitting or laying, maybe turn your attention to all of the different contact points, your thighs, your lower back. If you're laying, your entire body supported by the furniture of the earth beneath you.
Just spend a moment noticing your body in contact and supported by the earth beneath you. Another final hook or check-in that you can do to embody in this moment is by taking a quick second and going through your senses, noticing what you can smell. Are there aromas? Do you smell the coffee that you're maybe drinking? Are there sounds in the environment around you? Is there any texture?
Just spend a moment noticing your body in contact and supported by the earth beneath you. Another final hook or check-in that you can do to embody in this moment is by taking a quick second and going through your senses, noticing what you can smell. Are there aromas? Do you smell the coffee that you're maybe drinking? Are there sounds in the environment around you? Is there any texture?
Is your shirt textured if you are having your hands upon it or maybe the chair that you're sitting in? Are you noticing a texture or the blanket that's over top of you? Is there any taste in your mouth? And of course, if your eyes are closed, you might gently want to open them and do a quick Sight check-in. What do you see? Are there any vibrant colors?
Is your shirt textured if you are having your hands upon it or maybe the chair that you're sitting in? Are you noticing a texture or the blanket that's over top of you? Is there any taste in your mouth? And of course, if your eyes are closed, you might gently want to open them and do a quick Sight check-in. What do you see? Are there any vibrant colors?
Anything that you didn't notice in your environment that you are noticing now? Again, all of those areas, your breath, the fact that it's ever present, you're always breathing, can be a beautiful place to shift your focus of attention. The support, we're always being supported by something beneath us. We always have access to our senses and making that empowering choice.
Anything that you didn't notice in your environment that you are noticing now? Again, all of those areas, your breath, the fact that it's ever present, you're always breathing, can be a beautiful place to shift your focus of attention. The support, we're always being supported by something beneath us. We always have access to our senses and making that empowering choice.
in many moments throughout the day of course I just took you through the exercise right now but setting that alarm practicing one time and then maybe two times will give you that space of overhead illumination that I keep talking about
in many moments throughout the day of course I just took you through the exercise right now but setting that alarm practicing one time and then maybe two times will give you that space of overhead illumination that I keep talking about
That is the first step. Then we can choose to notice those repetitive narratives that I've been talking about throughout. What are those meanings that we're assigning? What about those sensory signals that my body is sending? Maybe adding to that check-in. We already did the breath one, how we're breathing. If it's quick, if you're holding it, your body might be stressed.
That is the first step. Then we can choose to notice those repetitive narratives that I've been talking about throughout. What are those meanings that we're assigning? What about those sensory signals that my body is sending? Maybe adding to that check-in. We already did the breath one, how we're breathing. If it's quick, if you're holding it, your body might be stressed.
Maybe expanding that focus to your muscles. Is there tension that you're carrying? Noticing in those moments that the messages that your mind is receiving or your brain is that your body is stressed, making it even more likely for those reactive cycles to continue.
Maybe expanding that focus to your muscles. Is there tension that you're carrying? Noticing in those moments that the messages that your mind is receiving or your brain is that your body is stressed, making it even more likely for those reactive cycles to continue.
I think just something I want to add there too, not hyper-focusing on giving language to what you're feeling. I think so quickly we shift focus in a way from the sensory experience of what we're feeling because then our mind is trying to find the emotion that we can label it. Am I sad? Am I angry? Right.
I think just something I want to add there too, not hyper-focusing on giving language to what you're feeling. I think so quickly we shift focus in a way from the sensory experience of what we're feeling because then our mind is trying to find the emotion that we can label it. Am I sad? Am I angry? Right.
So instead, if we notice that tendency just to practice focusing on the sensations, is there a tightness? Is there a heat? Is there a chill?
So instead, if we notice that tendency just to practice focusing on the sensations, is there a tightness? Is there a heat? Is there a chill?
I'm playing the tape for her because for me too, I noticed... Even as a clinical psychologist who's supposed to know and help people with emotions, I really struggle to give language and to know exactly what those sensations were telling me.
I'm playing the tape for her because for me too, I noticed... Even as a clinical psychologist who's supposed to know and help people with emotions, I really struggle to give language and to know exactly what those sensations were telling me.
And so that's another mental activity where we try to figure over, you know, decide or determine and then judge ourself and worry about if we're wrong and what if it's not the feeling I thought it was. And just to say with the sensory experience of being in the body and the more practice we can have, As I mentioned earlier, our bodies don't want to change.
And so that's another mental activity where we try to figure over, you know, decide or determine and then judge ourself and worry about if we're wrong and what if it's not the feeling I thought it was. And just to say with the sensory experience of being in the body and the more practice we can have, As I mentioned earlier, our bodies don't want to change.
If what's in your body is a lot of stress, a lot of tension, a lot of upsetting emotions, a lot of dysregulating emotions, staying committed to just one check-in throughout your day and staying consistent with that habit and then over time building into it. In three, the ultimate goal is to be able to notice throughout your day when you're consciously present and when you're not.
If what's in your body is a lot of stress, a lot of tension, a lot of upsetting emotions, a lot of dysregulating emotions, staying committed to just one check-in throughout your day and staying consistent with that habit and then over time building into it. In three, the ultimate goal is to be able to notice throughout your day when you're consciously present and when you're not.
And of course, not judging the moments when you're not. I still notice many moments. I'm distracted with something outside of me. I'm numbing myself, scrolling on my phone or I'm just somewhere else entirely. I can't tell where my attention is. Those are invitations to then refocus and become more present.
And of course, not judging the moments when you're not. I still notice many moments. I'm distracted with something outside of me. I'm numbing myself, scrolling on my phone or I'm just somewhere else entirely. I can't tell where my attention is. Those are invitations to then refocus and become more present.
So the more when we're aware of when we're not present, then we have the opportunity to just like we did together with those check-in points to become present in those moments.
So the more when we're aware of when we're not present, then we have the opportunity to just like we did together with those check-in points to become present in those moments.
a lot of people to misinterpret what exactly meditation is and then feel intimidated if stillness or silence feels uncomfortable if they are overwhelmed by the sensations in their body or the racing thoughts in their mind and so they give the practice up and think that they can't do it in my opinion any moment can be made into a meditative moment because the way i define meditation is
a lot of people to misinterpret what exactly meditation is and then feel intimidated if stillness or silence feels uncomfortable if they are overwhelmed by the sensations in their body or the racing thoughts in their mind and so they give the practice up and think that they can't do it in my opinion any moment can be made into a meditative moment because the way i define meditation is
presence you can just as equally be on a walk for me music is such an incredibly important continued part of my journey so i would walk to work and put music my headphones on when i was living in philadelphia in the city so it was a lot of noise around me which is why i had the headphones on and
presence you can just as equally be on a walk for me music is such an incredibly important continued part of my journey so i would walk to work and put music my headphones on when i was living in philadelphia in the city so it was a lot of noise around me which is why i had the headphones on and
I would just stay present to listening to the sound, to feeling my muscles as I walked quite literally to my office day in and day out. So I'm really happy you brought that up because I think a lot of us can be like, oh, meditation isn't for me because for decades, stillness, if our body is stressed... the physiological signals that our mind is being sent is that stillness isn't safe.
I would just stay present to listening to the sound, to feeling my muscles as I walked quite literally to my office day in and day out. So I'm really happy you brought that up because I think a lot of us can be like, oh, meditation isn't for me because for decades, stillness, if our body is stressed... the physiological signals that our mind is being sent is that stillness isn't safe.
Why the heck are you staying still when there's something threatening happening in your environment? And then the racing thoughts are reflection of the body's stress.
Why the heck are you staying still when there's something threatening happening in your environment? And then the racing thoughts are reflection of the body's stress.
so for a lot of us i think we don't feel like we can meditate or it's not helpful to us because stopping stillness silence our body doesn't feel safe yet doing it so again any moment can be made into a conscious moment no matter what we're doing even if it's washing dishes and doing something we do not like doing we can just be present to how it feels to be in our body
so for a lot of us i think we don't feel like we can meditate or it's not helpful to us because stopping stillness silence our body doesn't feel safe yet doing it so again any moment can be made into a conscious moment no matter what we're doing even if it's washing dishes and doing something we do not like doing we can just be present to how it feels to be in our body
smelling the aroma of the soap, right? Feeling the warm water or the suds on my hands, not in my head, distracted, arguing with why I'm even doing this, just being present to the action that I'm taking can be a meditative moment.
smelling the aroma of the soap, right? Feeling the warm water or the suds on my hands, not in my head, distracted, arguing with why I'm even doing this, just being present to the action that I'm taking can be a meditative moment.
Well, the beautiful point is that's how we are present in our relationships and truly attuned, not thinking about what we want to say in response to someone else, right? Not overwhelmed with what's happening in our body, able to be grounded in my body.
Well, the beautiful point is that's how we are present in our relationships and truly attuned, not thinking about what we want to say in response to someone else, right? Not overwhelmed with what's happening in our body, able to be grounded in my body.
to be hearing what you're saying of course to be feeling the you know generative energy of us being present maybe even feeling in response to what i'm hearing you say but i'm not consumed by my side of the conversation whether it's in thought or in emotional reaction and that goes back to that childhood need of emotional attunement
to be hearing what you're saying of course to be feeling the you know generative energy of us being present maybe even feeling in response to what i'm hearing you say but i'm not consumed by my side of the conversation whether it's in thought or in emotional reaction and that goes back to that childhood need of emotional attunement
And the need that very few of us have had met because we didn't have that grounded caregiver able to be truly present and curious about us. So when we develop this ability, our relationships greatly shift. We feel more attuned, in sync, emotionally connected.
And the need that very few of us have had met because we didn't have that grounded caregiver able to be truly present and curious about us. So when we develop this ability, our relationships greatly shift. We feel more attuned, in sync, emotionally connected.
The thing I've been searching for my entire life, we feel that when we're in this grounded state of awareness or consciousness with someone else.
The thing I've been searching for my entire life, we feel that when we're in this grounded state of awareness or consciousness with someone else.
Two part. We'll work on both layers, if you will, mind and body. When we notice, back to that first step to create change, when you notice the thought spiral, the negative, the critical, the shaming, whatever your version of that spiral is. becoming present, right? Oh, what's going on in my mind? Oh my gosh, I'm down the rabbit hole of criticism, of shame, of negativity.
Two part. We'll work on both layers, if you will, mind and body. When we notice, back to that first step to create change, when you notice the thought spiral, the negative, the critical, the shaming, whatever your version of that spiral is. becoming present, right? Oh, what's going on in my mind? Oh my gosh, I'm down the rabbit hole of criticism, of shame, of negativity.
Whatever it's about, without judgment, that step of awareness is going to allow you now to unhook your attention from it. Just knowing that you do that isn't going to stop that neural habit. We've practiced those thought spirals by simply repeating them, by allowing ourselves to go down that spiral, some of us for the entirety of our lives.
Whatever it's about, without judgment, that step of awareness is going to allow you now to unhook your attention from it. Just knowing that you do that isn't going to stop that neural habit. We've practiced those thought spirals by simply repeating them, by allowing ourselves to go down that spiral, some of us for the entirety of our lives.
So this is another area, I think, where we shame ourselves. Like, oh, I have negative thought spirals, so now they should stop. I've become aware of them, so now they should go away. And that's not possible.
So this is another area, I think, where we shame ourselves. Like, oh, I have negative thought spirals, so now they should stop. I've become aware of them, so now they should go away. And that's not possible.
like the mental rehearsal of repeating it we have all of these neuron pathways that will create that spiral again and again and again and again the empowerment of removing the focus of attention is where we regain control okay that's started i'm down the rabbit hole of whatever it is now i can unhook my attention and put it in all of those other beautiful places that we just talked about because those thoughts spiral especially negative ones especially stressful ones especially shameful ones
like the mental rehearsal of repeating it we have all of these neuron pathways that will create that spiral again and again and again and again the empowerment of removing the focus of attention is where we regain control okay that's started i'm down the rabbit hole of whatever it is now i can unhook my attention and put it in all of those other beautiful places that we just talked about because those thoughts spiral especially negative ones especially stressful ones especially shameful ones
obsessive ones, they often originate with the stress we're holding in our body. So that bottom layer, noticing if the place you're dropping your attention to and hooking it from your thoughts, notice how your muscles feel. Notice how your breathing is or your heart rate. chances are you will notice the elevation and stress, the tension, the quickened breath, the quickened heart rate.
obsessive ones, they often originate with the stress we're holding in our body. So that bottom layer, noticing if the place you're dropping your attention to and hooking it from your thoughts, notice how your muscles feel. Notice how your breathing is or your heart rate. chances are you will notice the elevation and stress, the tension, the quickened breath, the quickened heart rate.
And then you could begin to make intentional choices in that moment to slow and deepen your breath, to release the tension that you're feeling in your muscles so that then you could work on both layers, right? We can't remove the thought so we can choose where we put our attention. And then over time, if we down the
And then you could begin to make intentional choices in that moment to slow and deepen your breath, to release the tension that you're feeling in your muscles so that then you could work on both layers, right? We can't remove the thought so we can choose where we put our attention. And then over time, if we down the
grade or downshift the stress in our body, we will limit the presence of those cycles.
grade or downshift the stress in our body, we will limit the presence of those cycles.
Thoughts can create reality, physiological reality, if you shift your physiology, if you believe your thoughts to be true.
Thoughts can create reality, physiological reality, if you shift your physiology, if you believe your thoughts to be true.
So I could imagine, yes, a scenario where you could shift your physiology in terms of the sexual pleasure of an orgasm, though the belief portion where you're able to generate whatever it is that you're thinking that might generate a sexually pleasurable experience, not just kind of from a distance thinking it, embodying how it would feel to be in that pleasurable experience.
So I could imagine, yes, a scenario where you could shift your physiology in terms of the sexual pleasure of an orgasm, though the belief portion where you're able to generate whatever it is that you're thinking that might generate a sexually pleasurable experience, not just kind of from a distance thinking it, embodying how it would feel to be in that pleasurable experience.
And then you are impacting. And this is again, I think why sometimes manifestation and the power of thoughts doesn't get as much credit and doesn't work for a lot of people.
And then you are impacting. And this is again, I think why sometimes manifestation and the power of thoughts doesn't get as much credit and doesn't work for a lot of people.
Because just mentally rehearsing something that you want for your future but deeply not believing or making the choices to embody that future and what you imagine you would feel like in that future, who you would have to be to obtain that reality or to be living that experience, then it will just remain thoughts that you practice in your mind.
Because just mentally rehearsing something that you want for your future but deeply not believing or making the choices to embody that future and what you imagine you would feel like in that future, who you would have to be to obtain that reality or to be living that experience, then it will just remain thoughts that you practice in your mind.
If you, though, envision a future that you want as if it's happening around you right now where you'd open your eyes... including how you would feel in the experience of that reality, then we can change our physiological experience and, in my opinion, the external world around us.
If you, though, envision a future that you want as if it's happening around you right now where you'd open your eyes... including how you would feel in the experience of that reality, then we can change our physiological experience and, in my opinion, the external world around us.
experiences of failure or rejection that have never even actually happened they're just rehearsing them and embodying them in that sort of like negative self-talk what's coming to mind here you say that Jamie is all of us had envisioned the worst case scenario as if it happened sometimes we think we're doing it in preparation for when it were to happen and then we end up calling ourselves right unlucky or nothing ever good happens or all only bad things happen and
experiences of failure or rejection that have never even actually happened they're just rehearsing them and embodying them in that sort of like negative self-talk what's coming to mind here you say that Jamie is all of us had envisioned the worst case scenario as if it happened sometimes we think we're doing it in preparation for when it were to happen and then we end up calling ourselves right unlucky or nothing ever good happens or all only bad things happen and
And for me, the mantra that my family would repeat in childhood directly through lived experience was, it's always something. So my mind would always anticipate into the unknown future that we all have in front of us, something being something stressful.
And for me, the mantra that my family would repeat in childhood directly through lived experience was, it's always something. So my mind would always anticipate into the unknown future that we all have in front of us, something being something stressful.
And so because I had the stress in my body mapped onto then this perception, I would see the stressful something in every scenario that I would walk into, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of, you know what, it is always something. because it was. So we are not understanding. And this is why consciousness becomes so powerful. We don't understand how powerful we are.
And so because I had the stress in my body mapped onto then this perception, I would see the stressful something in every scenario that I would walk into, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of, you know what, it is always something. because it was. So we are not understanding. And this is why consciousness becomes so powerful. We don't understand how powerful we are.
And we are a powerful creator creating our reality in every moment. Though for most of us, it's just that habitual practice reality, conditioned reality that was created at a time when many things, if not everything, was outside of our control. Now, and this is what my hope is always for my work of empowerment, is to learn how to be a powerful creator in our now.
And we are a powerful creator creating our reality in every moment. Though for most of us, it's just that habitual practice reality, conditioned reality that was created at a time when many things, if not everything, was outside of our control. Now, and this is what my hope is always for my work of empowerment, is to learn how to be a powerful creator in our now.
I think personally that this book is for each and every one of us. It begins foundationally with repairing the relationship that many of us need repair and reconnection around, which is the relationship with ourselves. I do anyone who is out there thinking that this is solely a relationship book only for you if you are in active relationship.
I think personally that this book is for each and every one of us. It begins foundationally with repairing the relationship that many of us need repair and reconnection around, which is the relationship with ourselves. I do anyone who is out there thinking that this is solely a relationship book only for you if you are in active relationship.
Again, that those primary relationships formed how we relate to ourselves and then ultimately how we relate to other people. So in my opinion, there's benefit for all of us to read this book. And for many of us, my hope is a bit of unlearning.
Again, that those primary relationships formed how we relate to ourselves and then ultimately how we relate to other people. So in my opinion, there's benefit for all of us to read this book. And for many of us, my hope is a bit of unlearning.
in terms of becoming aware of all of the different definitions that we've even given to what we think a relationship is based on how we've experienced them, including all of the identities and conditioned ways that we've learned to show up in our relationships and to learn what I believe to be the true definition of an authentic, loving relationship, which is that
in terms of becoming aware of all of the different definitions that we've even given to what we think a relationship is based on how we've experienced them, including all of the identities and conditioned ways that we've learned to show up in our relationships and to learn what I believe to be the true definition of an authentic, loving relationship, which is that
safe in this that secure space that we keep kind of revisiting the ability to be a grounded curious presence in someone else's life whoever it is i truly believe that we are wired to not only connect socially though to want to be of service to others it's why we feel compassion which is the ability to see ourselves and understand the suffering in another's.
safe in this that secure space that we keep kind of revisiting the ability to be a grounded curious presence in someone else's life whoever it is i truly believe that we are wired to not only connect socially though to want to be of service to others it's why we feel compassion which is the ability to see ourselves and understand the suffering in another's.
And I think we do take that ability a step further. And we do want to help others in the world around us. I do think we all instinctually, this is why we joined together, to be able to see us as a group of individuals all worthy of the same outcome, which is survival, right? At some time in some space, I believe we all inherently have that as part of our human
And I think we do take that ability a step further. And we do want to help others in the world around us. I do think we all instinctually, this is why we joined together, to be able to see us as a group of individuals all worthy of the same outcome, which is survival, right? At some time in some space, I believe we all inherently have that as part of our human
experience so my hope is that we learn a new version of relating that includes one of the themes to this entire conversation and you beautifully talk about in your work Jamie is that authenticity the ability to be worthy enough to be who we are because in my opinion the world needs it our relationships need it our relationship with ourself needs it we talked about all the ways and things that happen when you're out of alignment including physical health issues emotional health issues
experience so my hope is that we learn a new version of relating that includes one of the themes to this entire conversation and you beautifully talk about in your work Jamie is that authenticity the ability to be worthy enough to be who we are because in my opinion the world needs it our relationships need it our relationship with ourself needs it we talked about all the ways and things that happen when you're out of alignment including physical health issues emotional health issues
reaction and conflict in communities and within relationships when we're not able to be who we are, to express who we are, and to honor the differences in other people. So my global, very lofty takeaway hope is not only empowerment as all of my work, I hope to be for everyone, helping us reconnect with, rediscover for many of us who we are so that when we are relating to others,
reaction and conflict in communities and within relationships when we're not able to be who we are, to express who we are, and to honor the differences in other people. So my global, very lofty takeaway hope is not only empowerment as all of my work, I hope to be for everyone, helping us reconnect with, rediscover for many of us who we are so that when we are relating to others,
We're able to be ourselves. My goal-based, and I talk a lot about the science, I'm a scientist at heart, I love science, is the byproduct of that alignment and the ability to be in harmony or heart coherence, as I talk about in the book, in alignment between what my heart says, what I'm doing in the world around me, is quite literally going to change the world.
We're able to be ourselves. My goal-based, and I talk a lot about the science, I'm a scientist at heart, I love science, is the byproduct of that alignment and the ability to be in harmony or heart coherence, as I talk about in the book, in alignment between what my heart says, what I'm doing in the world around me, is quite literally going to change the world.
It's going to shift the signals, as we were talking about in terms of cancel culture and conflict and being at odds and threatened. The more grounded and safe and secure we are as individuals, the more we're going to send out signals of safety and the security that others need to be able to be themselves.
It's going to shift the signals, as we were talking about in terms of cancel culture and conflict and being at odds and threatened. The more grounded and safe and secure we are as individuals, the more we're going to send out signals of safety and the security that others need to be able to be themselves.
So that as humanity, I do believe as a global species, we can learn how to rebuild relationships and communities that need the rebuilding that they do need and come together in harmony and in connection.
So that as humanity, I do believe as a global species, we can learn how to rebuild relationships and communities that need the rebuilding that they do need and come together in harmony and in connection.
So traditional talk therapy, and again, I do believe most of us need that safe space to talk about whatever happened, whatever is happening, whatever we wish to happen in the future. Holistic, again, includes the body.
So traditional talk therapy, and again, I do believe most of us need that safe space to talk about whatever happened, whatever is happening, whatever we wish to happen in the future. Holistic, again, includes the body.
It's really that attraction point. When we are putting out those signals of authenticity, whether it's in the marriage that we're struggling with, sharing our actual perspective, our actual wants, our needs, our emotions. or whether we're looking for new authentic relationships. It's not necessarily where we're looking or who we're looking at or how many people we're looking at.
It's really that attraction point. When we are putting out those signals of authenticity, whether it's in the marriage that we're struggling with, sharing our actual perspective, our actual wants, our needs, our emotions. or whether we're looking for new authentic relationships. It's not necessarily where we're looking or who we're looking at or how many people we're looking at.
I know that we live in an age where we could be on a dating app swiping all day long with all of these endless options. It's more about how am I being when I'm in interaction with other people. When I'm in anything from the grocery store with strangers, am I being myself?
I know that we live in an age where we could be on a dating app swiping all day long with all of these endless options. It's more about how am I being when I'm in interaction with other people. When I'm in anything from the grocery store with strangers, am I being myself?
To when I'm dating or developing new relationships or even interacting in old relationships, which for a lot of us means unlearning, shifting dynamics, violating expectations, right? Courageously.
To when I'm dating or developing new relationships or even interacting in old relationships, which for a lot of us means unlearning, shifting dynamics, violating expectations, right? Courageously.
embodying a new authentic self and when we are that we are going to be sending out energetic signals whoever it is that we're interacting with to attract relationships that can be deeper that can be more authentic and that ultimately can be more fulfilling and it doesn't have to be a numbers game it doesn't have to be well i have to get in front of this many people to find the one as so many of us think
embodying a new authentic self and when we are that we are going to be sending out energetic signals whoever it is that we're interacting with to attract relationships that can be deeper that can be more authentic and that ultimately can be more fulfilling and it doesn't have to be a numbers game it doesn't have to be well i have to get in front of this many people to find the one as so many of us think
It's I have to be me regardless of how many people I'm around and the people that aren't meant for me will kind of fall away and the people that are will come my way.
It's I have to be me regardless of how many people I'm around and the people that aren't meant for me will kind of fall away and the people that are will come my way.