Dr. Nicole LePera

I explain the physiology and the reasoning behind these difficulties to hopefully allow the person who's perhaps watching their loved one be hurt or pained by a relationship or even violated and outright abused, whatever it is. to allow them to shift from whatever they are, the way they are handling it or navigating it, to being a much more compassionate one.

I explain the physiology and the reasoning behind these difficulties to hopefully allow the person who's perhaps watching their loved one be hurt or pained by a relationship or even violated and outright abused, whatever it is. to allow them to shift from whatever they are, the way they are handling it or navigating it, to being a much more compassionate one.

Because I think loved ones can turn up the volume, can get frustrated, especially if it's someone that they continue to witness struggling to remove themselves from something that to them is objectively, overtly problematic in whatever way.

Because I think loved ones can turn up the volume, can get frustrated, especially if it's someone that they continue to witness struggling to remove themselves from something that to them is objectively, overtly problematic in whatever way.

So being in a more compassionate place, not just saying that you understand, giving the feeling of safety and understanding can be a dramatic shift for the person who's already struggling. A lot of us, I think, can feel judged by even very well-meaning loved ones who are trying to offer support because they don't know what to do.

So being in a more compassionate place, not just saying that you understand, giving the feeling of safety and understanding can be a dramatic shift for the person who's already struggling. A lot of us, I think, can feel judged by even very well-meaning loved ones who are trying to offer support because they don't know what to do.

Because the next reality that's very difficult to tolerate for those of us who are watching our loved ones be violated or hurt in any way is that they actually understand can't make them change. They can't zoom into their bodies and show up in a different way that might be even easier for them to show up or put a boundary to put in place.

Because the next reality that's very difficult to tolerate for those of us who are watching our loved ones be violated or hurt in any way is that they actually understand can't make them change. They can't zoom into their bodies and show up in a different way that might be even easier for them to show up or put a boundary to put in place.

That it really is up to that individual themselves to create that shift or that change in a dynamic.

That it really is up to that individual themselves to create that shift or that change in a dynamic.

What you can do, I think, in action is to ask the individual who's in that relationship how it is that they might be best supported. So I think that shift, you're not just watching on the sidelines.

What you can do, I think, in action is to ask the individual who's in that relationship how it is that they might be best supported. So I think that shift, you're not just watching on the sidelines.

I mean, shifting into a much more compassionate, safe, secure space for them to share with you is, in my opinion, not compliance. It's everything we've been talking about. It's what we're looking for and need in relationships. And I say this because if there is judgment that the person is feeling over time, this is where secrets start to happen.

I mean, shifting into a much more compassionate, safe, secure space for them to share with you is, in my opinion, not compliance. It's everything we've been talking about. It's what we're looking for and need in relationships. And I say this because if there is judgment that the person is feeling over time, this is where secrets start to happen.

They'll be less and less likely to tell you what's really happening because they want to now manage the perception, not hear from you something that they already intuitively know is problematic. They don't want you to affirm it in judgment. So they'll just tell you less of it. It's even back to parenting. I think a lot of parents very much want their child to turn to them in support.

They'll be less and less likely to tell you what's really happening because they want to now manage the perception, not hear from you something that they already intuitively know is problematic. They don't want you to affirm it in judgment. So they'll just tell you less of it. It's even back to parenting. I think a lot of parents very much want their child to turn to them in support.

but they have an immediate reaction to something upsetting that their child might share with them, making it maybe a little less likely that the child shares something upsetting with them again. And then directly asking. I think sometimes we minimize how helpful that can be because we might think we know what's helpful. I'm going to pluck the person from the relationship.

but they have an immediate reaction to something upsetting that their child might share with them, making it maybe a little less likely that the child shares something upsetting with them again. And then directly asking. I think sometimes we minimize how helpful that can be because we might think we know what's helpful. I'm going to pluck the person from the relationship.

I'm going to tell them to physically leave or come move in with me. That might feel like the most unhelpful suggestion in that moment. So directly asking the loved one who's in a difficult situation, what do they need to feel supported? What's one small thing we can do for them to help them in that moment?

I'm going to tell them to physically leave or come move in with me. That might feel like the most unhelpful suggestion in that moment. So directly asking the loved one who's in a difficult situation, what do they need to feel supported? What's one small thing we can do for them to help them in that moment?