Dr. Nicole McNichols

People who have a sexual growth mindset

They say, I do believe that sex over time can change, that it can improve, that if I communicate with my partner and we learn about what turns us on, and if we engage in things like masturbation, which gets completely shamed in our culture but is a totally necessary tool to understand your body, you can learn and you can bring those conversations, no matter how awkward or scary they may seem,

to your partner, and your sex life can improve.

And it won't improve overnight, and it may take some time, and there will be things that, you know, no, actually, honey, that wasn't quite Eduardo's tongue, but let's try this instead.

But you can get there.

Whereas people with sexual destiny beliefs, which are the opposite of sexual growth beliefs, they tend to think sex is what it is, right?

Married sex just kind of never changes.

A person has a certain level of skill.

It never gets better.

And those are the people that really start to struggle.

And it really is that mindset that is just way more predictive of sexual satisfaction than any kind of innate skill set that we think that we're simply born with.

I think in the context of relationships, it's that an amazing sexual experience begins with feeling wildly turned on and excited the minute your partner walks in the door.

But for the vast majority of us, especially women who are in long-term relationships and who have

A lot of things on their plate.

Desire might be something that kicks in only after you've started touching your partner.

Sometimes we need to get out there and actually be trying an action.

And then we realize, oh, this is actually really fun.

This feels really good.

My mind and my body do want this.

And so in learning tools to sort of allow yourself to get into the mindset where you can be physically intimate with your partner and be touching your partner and be connected to your partner, I think people don't realize that sex can be incredible even when it comes from that place.