The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Have Better Sex: Your Guide to Romance, Intimacy, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor
12 Feb 2026
Chapter 1: What foundational beliefs about sex does Dr. McNichols challenge?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I have a question that I want to ask you about your sex life, and I want you to be honest. Do you want to be having better sex? Like, just stop and think about that. Do you want to be having better sex? Of course you do. Whether you're not having sex at all,
whether you're having sex with somebody that you love, but it's just not fun or pleasurable, or it just feels like another thing on your to-do list. Let me tell you, things are about to change. And our guest today is the perfect expert to not only tell you that you can have better sex, she's going to teach you how to do it.
I am so excited for our episode today because it's going to flip all of the typical sex advice that you get right on its head. I mean, everybody else is busy telling you what to do to your partner to make your partner's sex better. No, today we're talking not about your partner's pleasure. We're talking about your pleasure.
No more performing, no faking, no more going through the motions of boring sex while you're thinking about what you're going to have for dinner. Our expert's going to tell you, you don't have to turn into a different person or change how you look in order to have incredible sex. You deserve pleasure in your life and you have everything you already need.
And she's going to teach you how to tune into your own body and access the pleasure you deserve. Today, you're getting the guide to better sex, intimacy, and love from the number one sex professor in the world. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited you're here. It is always an honor to be together and to spend this time with you.
And if you're a new listener or you're here because someone shared this episode with you, I just wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Now, before we get started, I just have to say something. The title is self-explanatory, but today's conversation is a candid, grown-up discussion about sex, intimacy, and sexual arousal and pleasure.
So if you got little ears around, could you please pop in headphones or save this for later? Okay. We alone? Good. I am so excited to tell you about our guest today because she's here to teach you that you can reinvent your sex life at any age. She has everything that women need to hear about pleasure and sex. Her name, Dr. Nicole McNichols.
Dr. McNichols is a professor at the University of Washington who teaches the single most popular course at that university. And based on the number of students that take it, she's probably one of the most popular professors in the United States. And today, you're getting a front row seat in her class.
Dr. McNichols is responsible for reinventing the sex lives of millions of people who follow her online for her science-backed wisdom, myth-busting facts, and her contagious passion for teaching the truth about sex and pleasure. Dr. McNichols' new book is called You Could Be Having Better Sex. And after listening today, you will be.
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Chapter 2: How can desire be cultivated even when you feel tired or disconnected?
Thank you, Mel. I'm so excited to be here. I'm really excited that you're here, too, because I know I personally would like to be having better sex, and I'm sure as you're listening, you would like to be having better sex. And so let's start with this. Dr. McNichols, what could change about my life if I take everything to heart that you're about to share with us today and I apply it to my life?
Mel, if you take all of my advice today to heart, I am going to give you a roadmap to having amazing, incredible sex. And it's not going to be the kind of sex that you see in porn or the kind of sex that you see on shows, on TV, or that makes you feel like, oh my God, that's just an unattainable goal.
It's going to be the kind of sex that feels not only pleasurable, but authentically connected to who you are as a person. And I just want to tell anyone who's listening to this podcast, this podcast episode is for you.
If you're in a 20-year marriage, if you are finding your way back to each other but don't quite know how, if you are newly single and trying to figure out what sex and dating are like now that you're in this new world, phase of your life.
If you are having okay sex, but you just have this sense that it could be a bit better, I want to really be able to speak to all of those people and tell them that I can give you the science-backed tools and roadmap toward cultivating a truly pleasurable sex life. Wow.
Is that also true if I'm tired? Yes. Or I feel self-conscious about my body or I haven't been with somebody in a number of years, you know.
It is. It truly is. And this is actually such an incredibly burgeoning experience. area of research because it's become so clear just how exhausted people are, how exhausted women especially are. You have so much going on in your life between a career, your family, the two dogs, the people who are all depending on you.
And I think, and this is a message especially for women, we're so socialized to be taking care of other people and to be attending to other people's needs. And I'm telling you that this is about reclaiming something that you really deserve and that is within your reach.
A great sex life is not something that is just reserved for people who are in new relationships or have a certain sexual chemistry that's determined from the very start or that are single and
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Chapter 3: What misconceptions about women's anatomy impact sexual pleasure?
What we know is that when people's sex lives improve, when they experience change, An uptick in sexual satisfaction later on, they experience more relationship satisfaction. In other words, working on your sex life will improve your relationship in an important, very authentic, powerful way that really deserves attention.
What I love about this conversation already, I can't wait to trap my husband in a car and Be like, hey, let's listen to the Mel Robbins podcast and put this on. Because I think this conversation, listening to it with the person that you are in a relationship with, if you are in a relationship right now, could really open some things up.
So I just want to give a couple takeaways that I've gotten so far just at the very beginning. Number one, it is transformative just to switch your mindset from thinking about sex as a I should thing I need to, I have to, to just it being a conversation about pleasure and allowing pleasure in your life and prioritizing pleasure in your life. Exactly. 100%.
The second takeaway that I got already is you talked all about, what was it called? Ego something? Ego resilience. Ego resilience. And what does that mean exactly?
It's essentially an academic term for what we think of as resiliency, meaning it's you're going to be faced with life's inevitable challenges. There's going to be problems that are thrown your way. But what we don't realize is that pleasure actually fuels you to be able to meet those head on. When we're given sources of pleasure,
Those negative challenges can be right there, but we're just more creative and more likely to find the people and the ideas that are going to help us to solve those very problems.
So sex is important, yes, for your health, for your well-being, for your relationship, but it's also going to play a transformative part in your life that is not superfluous, but is actually absolutely essential to your well-being.
I've never actually looked at sex this way. Like I'm having this huge aha moment about the role that pleasure plays in your life. Because if you really just stop and consider what Dr. McNichols is saying, If your whole life is one giant to-do list, if it's work, if it's taking care of other people, you start to feel like that's your only value.
Exactly.
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Chapter 4: How can couples improve sexual communication and stop faking orgasms?
that is keeping them stuck from having more or better sex?
I think in the context of relationships, it's that an amazing sexual experience begins with feeling wildly turned on and excited the minute your partner walks in the door. But for the vast majority of us, especially women who are in long-term relationships and who have A lot of things on their plate. Desire might be something that kicks in only after you've started touching your partner.
Sometimes we need to get out there and actually be trying an action. And then we realize, oh, this is actually really fun. This feels really good. My mind and my body do want this.
And so in learning tools to sort of allow yourself to get into the mindset where you can be physically intimate with your partner and be touching your partner and be connected to your partner, I think people don't realize that sex can be incredible even when it comes from that place.
And if you think about- That place of like, I don't really feel like it, but I know I want better sex. So I'm going to reach over and touch you even though I'm not turned on. So I think a lot of times, okay, this is probably about to turn into my own personal like sex therapy session.
But you know, like a lot of times there is that ambivalence that you feel that you want to be closer, but maybe you don't want to have any, of course. Yes. Do you see what I mean? Because I'm in that mode where I'm not really, I'm tired. Yes.
but I love you.
And I'm trying to signal that I want to kiss and like hold you for a little bit, but I don't really want to have to do all the others. You know what I'm saying? Is that a common concern? Like, do you hear that?
Oh, absolutely. I think that really the key there is building habits of being able to touch your partner in non-sexual ways on a regular basis, right? You, Your phone should not be the last thing that you touch at night before you go to bed and put it down, right? There should be some kind of cuddling. It's just that physical touch and connection.
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Chapter 5: What strategies can help rebuild intimacy amidst life's chaos?
I love how you are explaining this. I feel so empowered already. I know you do too as you're listening. I need to hit the pause button. I don't want to, but we need to.
I got to give my sponsors a chance to share a few words, but I want to give you a chance to share this because if you're listening and you're thinking, oh my God, my partner needs to hear this, or my sister needs to hear this, or holy cow, this is unbelievable. Be generous with this.
Share this episode with one person that you love, whether that's your spouse, your partner, your best friend, your sister, somebody who you know could benefit from this really no holds barred conversation about pleasure. Do it now and don't go anywhere because we will be back with more from the amazing Dr. McNichols in just a few minutes. Stay with me. Welcome back.
It's your friend, Mel Robbins, and you and I are here with the extraordinary Dr. McNichols, and we're learning how to reinvent your sex life and have more pleasure at any age, any stage. You know, another myth, Dr. McNichols, that people believe is that if you don't orgasm fast or you take too long, that there's something wrong with you.
Yes, and so this is particularly true, I think, among women. First of all, if you're looking at a sexual experience, on average, a woman has an orgasm about 10 to 15 minutes in, right? For a male, it's five minutes within the beginning of penetration, right, or the beginning of stimulation.
So most women, right, in the context of partnered sex, at least in the context of straight sex, if they're having any kind of an orgasm from penetrative sex, it's having a lot later in than it is for men. That is normal. just because it takes a little bit longer does not mean at all that it is less intense or less pleasurable, right? We tend to be so incredibly focused on numbers, right?
If you even look at the language around sex, achieving orgasms, right? Finishing, right? We're so numbers and goal oriented. It's okay if it takes a little bit longer. In fact, That's better, right? It means that it's more exploratory, right? It's a longer experience. But the other thing is just coming back to the importance of the clitoris.
Although we find that women in having partnered sex, right, in the context of straight sex, will have an orgasm later in than men. When you look at the speed with which an orgasm occurs for men and women when they're masturbating, it's exactly the same. It's about four to five minutes.
Okay. I just want to make sure I heard that. Yes. And that as you're listening or watching on YouTube, you got that. Yes. That the average length of time that it takes a woman to have an orgasm is about 15 minutes if you're full on intercourse. But if you're masturbating, men and women achieve orgasm within four to five minutes.
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Chapter 6: How do body image issues affect sexual desire and confidence?
You need to give yourself permission to maybe take longer, like we talked about, than what the whole world has taught you is necessary and expected. And it's through communication. And this might look like having a conversation with your partner, right? Where you say, look, I know this topic is really awkward, but it's important to us. And I want sex to be as pleasurable as it is.
And so let's have an actual conversation, right? And this is why in my book, I give all sorts of questions that couples can ask each other to try to improve the sex that's in their relationship.
I have so many thoughts. I am so happy you're here because I do believe that if you listen to this conversation with your partner, it will open up the door. And I applaud anybody that is willing to say out loud to somebody, I really want to work with you to improve this. My husband did that in our relationship four years ago. Now we're going to be married 30 years this year.
And I remember when he came to me and said, you know, one of my goals this year is that we really lean in and improve our sex life. And when he first said that, Dr. McNichols, I was like, What do you mean? What's wrong with it? What am I not doing? And now I have to do more? Like it just was this, and the poor guy is just trying to connect around something so important.
And I remember feeling very much like I'm doing something wrong. Right.
And I think so many couples struggle with that. It can immediately feel... like a rejection or wait, oh my God, you mean are you not happy in our sex life? Is something missing? Is it not as good as I thought it was? And so, yeah, learning to have those larger conversations where you ask each other really important questions, but you have to frame it as, okay, I love you, right?
This is important to us, to me, to you, right? Sexual intimacy is something I would really love to focus on. And I'm attracted to you and I love you so much. And this is an area of our life that I feel like we should work on because it's fun and because it can always get better, right? And I feel like if you're, you know, setting it up with the positive, right?
Because one thing that is so true when it comes to sexual communication is that if you are stressing what's working, stressing what's positive, right? Talking about, well, what's the best sex we've ever had, right? Or what helps you to feel the most turned on? What are different types of micro novelty that we could introduce?
What's a micro novelty?
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Chapter 7: What should you know about the clitoris and its role in pleasure?
And one of the major takeaways is that people fantasize about really wild, diverse things. And that what you fantasize about is not necessarily what you want in real life.
So Dr. McNichols, how do you want us to think about our sexual fantasies?
I want you to, first of all, normalize whatever fantasy you're having, right? So for those of you who are wondering, the most popular sexual fantasy in America is threesomes, right? So let's take that as an example, right? Multi-partnered sex. Not everyone that is having a fantasy about threesomes actually wants to have a threesome, right?
In other words, a lot of people might kind of have that fantasy. It gets them turned on. Maybe they even think about it when they're masturbating. But the reality of a threesome feels overwhelming, unappealing. How would that even work? I mean, personally, I know with my ADHD, I don't think it's too much. It's... I fall into that category. Yeah.
But it doesn't mean that it's not natural to fantasize about it. Same thing with taboo activities, right? Having sex in a public place, right? Public sex is a very common sexual fantasy. Having sex in the airplane bathroom, right? Having sex in a situation where you might get caught, right? right? Very, very common.
They're tied to certain interesting personality correlates, but they don't necessarily predict what we want to have happen in real life. It's not just that we're having fantasies about wild, kinky things. The reality is that all of us really want to be desired, right? Feeling like somebody else really wants you is a huge aphrodisiac. Which, I don't know if you've seen the show Heated Rivalry.
Okay, for anybody who has not seen this show, this show, right now as we're taping this conversation, everybody's talking about it. It's about two male pro hockey players who are arch rivals who fall apart. crazy, madly, obsessively in love with each other. I binge-watched it with my husband. Love that.
Never in a million years did I think a television series about two male hockey players falling in love and having sex would be one of the biggest turn-ons ever. Like, it's helped my sex life so much to watch Heated Rivalry. Yes, me too. And I'm like... Why? And I was really thinking about this because I think it was observing the just desire. Exactly. On your knees, take your pants off.
And after 30 years of marriage, watching this show, I'm like, oh my God, I remember that. Exactly. Chris. Exactly. Yeah. Why does that happen? Like, what was happening in that? Because if you had the same experience, I'm sure it is enlivening the sex lives of millions of heterosexual women, but why?
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Chapter 8: How can gratitude enhance intimacy and connection in relationships?
And in fact, when you look at, you know, women who identify as bisexual, they tend to have that not as like just this phase that they go through and then later on become gay or straight, but it actually tends to be more often the case that they transition towards being bisexual. And that's important to point out because 23% of Gen Z nowadays identifies under the LGBTQIA plus umbrella.
And of that group, 80% identifies bisexual. So I think that it's time that we celebrate that fluidity, that multidimensionality. That doesn't mean that you're secretly hiding your real sexual orientation. It just means that we're complex. And sometimes what we enjoy in our imagination is just what makes us uniquely human. And sometimes it doesn't translate into what we want in real life.
So it's multidimensional. And it just also depends on the particular domain, fantasy, imagination, what you actually want in real life. It can vary across those contexts as well.
I love that answer in that context and framing because it just makes you feel normal. Yep. And it helps you put the fantasies or the things that turn you on into context of just the importance of desire and pleasure in general in your life. Yes, exactly. So helpful.
A final myth that you talk about related to sex is that if you are into non-traditional sexual activities or kink or whatever else, that it's weird or it's unhealthy or there's something wrong with you.
Yeah. So there is unfortunately this long history of shame towards people who are kinky, right? And the idea is that if you are kinky, you must have experienced childhood abuse, right? That's a major myth. And that you are just trying to relive this abuse over and over and over again. And this myth is so, so pervasive that there's actual studies showing that this is not the case, right?
There have been studies looking at people who are kinksters and interviewing them about their childhoods. No, actually, the majority were not abused as children. What it is, is... you know, a need for novelty, right? And excitement.
And, you know, this is, again, almost something that is being thought of as almost, you know, part of the sexual orientation research, which is that some people want connection and slowness and... reassuredness and stability and security and prediction and control in their sexual experiences.
And some people are just oriented to want excitement, thrill, maybe entering into a headspace that is absolutely completely opposed to the headspace and identity that you have in the rest of your life. And that can actually be a healing thing. I want to normalize people having all different forms of what you're into, what you're not into, what you want to feel, what your safe word is.
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