Dr. Ramani Durvasula

And whether that means we reach deeper to be as kind as we can to the people, in some cases, especially if it's people we know or we see again, you may not know the random person at the gym, but if someone we know or work with, we step out of ourselves to say, the way I conducted myself yesterday wasn't okay, and I'm really sorry about that.

And whether that means we reach deeper to be as kind as we can to the people, in some cases, especially if it's people we know or we see again, you may not know the random person at the gym, but if someone we know or work with, we step out of ourselves to say, the way I conducted myself yesterday wasn't okay, and I'm really sorry about that.

And so that they're having that experience of you taking accountability. That's where I know we're not dealing with a narcissistic person. We're dealing with a bad day. And a bad day is just that, a day. It's not every day. With a narcissistic person, many days, I'm not going to say all, but many days are characterized by these machinations, these manipulations, and these invalidations.

And so that they're having that experience of you taking accountability. That's where I know we're not dealing with a narcissistic person. We're dealing with a bad day. And a bad day is just that, a day. It's not every day. With a narcissistic person, many days, I'm not going to say all, but many days are characterized by these machinations, these manipulations, and these invalidations.

If the person in a relationship with a narcissistic person feel like they're constantly on their back foot, that they can't be themselves, they can't express a need, they can't express a want, they can't even express a feeling for fear of it being shut down. So there's your not narcissistic person. What about an asshole, okay?

If the person in a relationship with a narcissistic person feel like they're constantly on their back foot, that they can't be themselves, they can't express a need, they can't express a want, they can't even express a feeling for fear of it being shut down. So there's your not narcissistic person. What about an asshole, okay?

I do think assholery and narcissism are pretty, we use the terms interchangeably. I think, though, that here's my asshole belief, since this is something... I think the construct validation on asshole is probably still needing to be done. I think assholes tend to be pretty consistently assholes. So whereas narcissistic people can really... They have a much...

I do think assholery and narcissism are pretty, we use the terms interchangeably. I think, though, that here's my asshole belief, since this is something... I think the construct validation on asshole is probably still needing to be done. I think assholes tend to be pretty consistently assholes. So whereas narcissistic people can really... They have a much...

wider behavioral repertoire to be absolutely charming. This is a person who can be absolutely charming on the golf course with the CEO of their company, like charming, nice, warm, remembering the ages of their kids and asking about the wife and remembering that their grandmother is sick and all this stuff. And get home. Forget it was his anniversary. Scream at their partner.

wider behavioral repertoire to be absolutely charming. This is a person who can be absolutely charming on the golf course with the CEO of their company, like charming, nice, warm, remembering the ages of their kids and asking about the wife and remembering that their grandmother is sick and all this stuff. And get home. Forget it was his anniversary. Scream at their partner.

Why does the house look like this? Why do I have to put up with this? Make those damn kids shut up. But they were Mr. I remember that your little girl's birthday is February 6th when they were on the golf course. That is not assholery. That's narcissism.

Why does the house look like this? Why do I have to put up with this? Make those damn kids shut up. But they were Mr. I remember that your little girl's birthday is February 6th when they were on the golf course. That is not assholery. That's narcissism.

No, I don't. Because I think that would imply changing a personality, which I don't think we can do. Hmm.

No, I don't. Because I think that would imply changing a personality, which I don't think we can do. Hmm.

I've not seen them become a not-narcissist. I've seen them make micro changes because I measure and monitor and make my notes in therapy. So I'll see, interesting, they're no longer trying to mess with coming in 10 minutes later and asking me to keep them for the whole hour. They are honoring the therapeutic frame. They're paying the bill when they decide not to show up at the last minute.

I've not seen them become a not-narcissist. I've seen them make micro changes because I measure and monitor and make my notes in therapy. So I'll see, interesting, they're no longer trying to mess with coming in 10 minutes later and asking me to keep them for the whole hour. They are honoring the therapeutic frame. They're paying the bill when they decide not to show up at the last minute.

I would see tiny tweaks. I'll see people who'll come in and say, I screamed at my girlfriend again last night and that wasn't cool. So I was like, oh, well, that's insight. Like I'll run with it. But here's the rub. Okay. These micro changes and they are micro changes, but they are changes and they're in the right direction.

I would see tiny tweaks. I'll see people who'll come in and say, I screamed at my girlfriend again last night and that wasn't cool. So I was like, oh, well, that's insight. Like I'll run with it. But here's the rub. Okay. These micro changes and they are micro changes, but they are changes and they're in the right direction.

That much water under the bridge for the family members and partners and other people that have been harmed. They're saying, you want me to stay in this relationship because this dude remembered to say thank you once this week? I think not. To me, the thank you is progress. To the people in their lives who've been harmed, that one thank you is not going to be enough.

That much water under the bridge for the family members and partners and other people that have been harmed. They're saying, you want me to stay in this relationship because this dude remembered to say thank you once this week? I think not. To me, the thank you is progress. To the people in their lives who've been harmed, that one thank you is not going to be enough.