Dr. Ramani Durvasula

So gaslighting, it's simplest. It's a power play. It's a form of emotional abuse and it's a tactic. Gaslighting is predicated on a relationship that's ostensibly characterized by trust. So that's why strangers can't gaslight you in the same way as an intimate partner, a trusted colleague, a family member, even a person with expertise like an attorney or a physician could gaslight you, right?

So gaslighting, it's simplest. It's a power play. It's a form of emotional abuse and it's a tactic. Gaslighting is predicated on a relationship that's ostensibly characterized by trust. So that's why strangers can't gaslight you in the same way as an intimate partner, a trusted colleague, a family member, even a person with expertise like an attorney or a physician could gaslight you, right?

Because there's a presumption of trust. So you're going to listen to the gaslighter. Initially, what the gaslighter will do is they will doubt the gaslight head person's perceptions, experiences, memories, even reality. That never happened. I never said that. You're making that up. We never went there. So now this person's a little confused. Because their reality is saying, yeah, we did.

Because there's a presumption of trust. So you're going to listen to the gaslighter. Initially, what the gaslighter will do is they will doubt the gaslight head person's perceptions, experiences, memories, even reality. That never happened. I never said that. You're making that up. We never went there. So now this person's a little confused. Because their reality is saying, yeah, we did.

Yeah, we did. So initially, a person will fight back against the gaslighter. They'll say, we absolutely went there. Do you want me to show you the pictures on my phone? Then we go to the next step of gaslighting. The gaslighter doesn't want to see the pictures on your phone. They just want to overpower you. This isn't about evidence. This is about them overpowering you.

Yeah, we did. So initially, a person will fight back against the gaslighter. They'll say, we absolutely went there. Do you want me to show you the pictures on my phone? Then we go to the next step of gaslighting. The gaslighter doesn't want to see the pictures on your phone. They just want to overpower you. This isn't about evidence. This is about them overpowering you.

So they'll say, look, here's the pictures on my phone. And then the gaslighter won't say... Well, you're right. We did go there. Instead, they'll say, oh my gosh, you are the most petty human being I've ever met. Is this what it is? You're just going to go and your phone to find the pictures to prove something to me? Is that what this relationship is?

So they'll say, look, here's the pictures on my phone. And then the gaslighter won't say... Well, you're right. We did go there. Instead, they'll say, oh my gosh, you are the most petty human being I've ever met. Is this what it is? You're just going to go and your phone to find the pictures to prove something to me? Is that what this relationship is?

I don't know that I want to even be in a relationship like this. Now, this poor person who's being gaslighted is thinking, I just showed them the pictures to prove a point and now I'm the bad one. And so they trust this person. So they think, well, maybe I am doing something bad. Maybe I am being petty. But gaslighting doesn't happen once. It happens over and over and over again.

I don't know that I want to even be in a relationship like this. Now, this poor person who's being gaslighted is thinking, I just showed them the pictures to prove a point and now I'm the bad one. And so they trust this person. So they think, well, maybe I am doing something bad. Maybe I am being petty. But gaslighting doesn't happen once. It happens over and over and over again.

It's an indoctrination process that leaves the gaslighted person utterly confused, completely out of their minds, doubting themselves. And they start to believe the critiques. The gaslighter will tell them things like, you're crazy, you're stupid, you don't remember things right. Maybe you have dementia. Do you think you should be in therapy? You might need to be on medication.

It's an indoctrination process that leaves the gaslighted person utterly confused, completely out of their minds, doubting themselves. And they start to believe the critiques. The gaslighter will tell them things like, you're crazy, you're stupid, you don't remember things right. Maybe you have dementia. Do you think you should be in therapy? You might need to be on medication.

By the time the gaslighter's done with someone, they have lost all sense of, they don't trust themselves at all. And so if they don't leave the relationship, and some people don't, they are then sort of in this, again, this form of servitude with the narcissistic person, the gaslighting person, almost relying on them to lead them through reality.

By the time the gaslighter's done with someone, they have lost all sense of, they don't trust themselves at all. And so if they don't leave the relationship, and some people don't, they are then sort of in this, again, this form of servitude with the narcissistic person, the gaslighting person, almost relying on them to lead them through reality.

So it's almost like utter submission at that point, that the gaslighter gets to dictate reality. And then over time, there's this tactic that narcissistic and other abusive people use called DARVO. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender. It's a construct that was developed by Dr. Jennifer Fried. Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender.

So it's almost like utter submission at that point, that the gaslighter gets to dictate reality. And then over time, there's this tactic that narcissistic and other abusive people use called DARVO. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender. It's a construct that was developed by Dr. Jennifer Fried. Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender.

So what the narcissistic person will in a very skilled, I mean, in a cruelly skillful way do is... If the person, the gaslighted person ever attempts to push back on something that the narcissist has done, like you came, you said you were going to be home by nine o'clock last night. You didn't get home till one in the morning. the narcissistic person with denial said, that's not true.

So what the narcissistic person will in a very skilled, I mean, in a cruelly skillful way do is... If the person, the gaslighted person ever attempts to push back on something that the narcissist has done, like you came, you said you were going to be home by nine o'clock last night. You didn't get home till one in the morning. the narcissistic person with denial said, that's not true.

I came, yeah, I didn't get home at nine, but I didn't come home at any one in the morning. But again, like, what is your problem? Like, what do you do? Like you read the ADT guide all day to see what time I come in the door. And you know what? Like, I can't believe that this is my life. I worked so hard to keep us in this fabulous house. I worked so hard so you can stay home and I'm the bad guy.

I came, yeah, I didn't get home at nine, but I didn't come home at any one in the morning. But again, like, what is your problem? Like, what do you do? Like you read the ADT guide all day to see what time I come in the door. And you know what? Like, I can't believe that this is my life. I worked so hard to keep us in this fabulous house. I worked so hard so you can stay home and I'm the bad guy.