Dr. Stuart Ablon

Well, the good news is we've seen it get better in the So it's proven, but that's not to really diminish the fact that wherever you're experiencing concerning behavior from folks, you know, it's incredibly frustrating. Like, it's really hard to deal with and it pisses us off. And, you know, so it's really hard to sort of keep our calm and be able to respond in ways that are effective.

But I think we've got some ways to sort of reframe understanding the challenging behavior that can position people in a totally different place.

But I think we've got some ways to sort of reframe understanding the challenging behavior that can position people in a totally different place.

But I think we've got some ways to sort of reframe understanding the challenging behavior that can position people in a totally different place.

You got it. And your question before of sort of what have I learned over 30 years? The other thing I've learned is that, and this is probably one of the most, I think, important findings in social science research about helping people. And we're talking about any kind of person, kid, adult.

You got it. And your question before of sort of what have I learned over 30 years? The other thing I've learned is that, and this is probably one of the most, I think, important findings in social science research about helping people. And we're talking about any kind of person, kid, adult.

You got it. And your question before of sort of what have I learned over 30 years? The other thing I've learned is that, and this is probably one of the most, I think, important findings in social science research about helping people. And we're talking about any kind of person, kid, adult.

If you're trying to help somebody with anything related to their behavior, what we've learned over the years is there's only really one reliable predictor of helping somebody to change their behavior. And the good news is it's also the most powerful one. What is it? It's the degree of helping relationship between helper and and help-y, the degree of helping relationship.

If you're trying to help somebody with anything related to their behavior, what we've learned over the years is there's only really one reliable predictor of helping somebody to change their behavior. And the good news is it's also the most powerful one. What is it? It's the degree of helping relationship between helper and and help-y, the degree of helping relationship.

If you're trying to help somebody with anything related to their behavior, what we've learned over the years is there's only really one reliable predictor of helping somebody to change their behavior. And the good news is it's also the most powerful one. What is it? It's the degree of helping relationship between helper and and help-y, the degree of helping relationship.

And when I say helping relationship, what I mean by that is a collaboration born of empathy, of understanding, of nonjudgmental acceptance. So it's sort of working together on hard things, but coming from that nonjudgmental perspective. And that's what we find, whether it's in therapy or in schools or all kinds of places, that's the biggest predictor of helping somebody to change their behavior.

And when I say helping relationship, what I mean by that is a collaboration born of empathy, of understanding, of nonjudgmental acceptance. So it's sort of working together on hard things, but coming from that nonjudgmental perspective. And that's what we find, whether it's in therapy or in schools or all kinds of places, that's the biggest predictor of helping somebody to change their behavior.

And when I say helping relationship, what I mean by that is a collaboration born of empathy, of understanding, of nonjudgmental acceptance. So it's sort of working together on hard things, but coming from that nonjudgmental perspective. And that's what we find, whether it's in therapy or in schools or all kinds of places, that's the biggest predictor of helping somebody to change their behavior.

Absolutely. And also, you know what? I've got a philosophy that all of our work flows from. It's a pretty simple one. When we apply it to kids, it goes like this. Kids do well if they can. Oh. Not kids do well if they want to, but kids do well if they can. And what that means is if a kid could do well, they would do well.

Absolutely. And also, you know what? I've got a philosophy that all of our work flows from. It's a pretty simple one. When we apply it to kids, it goes like this. Kids do well if they can. Oh. Not kids do well if they want to, but kids do well if they can. And what that means is if a kid could do well, they would do well.

Absolutely. And also, you know what? I've got a philosophy that all of our work flows from. It's a pretty simple one. When we apply it to kids, it goes like this. Kids do well if they can. Oh. Not kids do well if they want to, but kids do well if they can. And what that means is if a kid could do well, they would do well.

And the reality is, you know, in all the years I've done this, I've never met a kid who prefers doing poorly to doing well. And now substitute that word kid with adult, with spouse, with partner, with coworker, with mother-in-law, you name it. Yep. People do well if they can. It's true. Everybody wants to do well and wants to have healthy, happy relationships with others.

And the reality is, you know, in all the years I've done this, I've never met a kid who prefers doing poorly to doing well. And now substitute that word kid with adult, with spouse, with partner, with coworker, with mother-in-law, you name it. Yep. People do well if they can. It's true. Everybody wants to do well and wants to have healthy, happy relationships with others.

And the reality is, you know, in all the years I've done this, I've never met a kid who prefers doing poorly to doing well. And now substitute that word kid with adult, with spouse, with partner, with coworker, with mother-in-law, you name it. Yep. People do well if they can. It's true. Everybody wants to do well and wants to have healthy, happy relationships with others.

There's just things getting in the way sometimes. And when you're saying like, all these people that might piss you off, but how do I get them to change their behavior? I hate to say it, but they may be saying the same about you because they're surely saying the same about me at times as well.