Eli Finkel

So the sculptor's job is not to create something new, but merely to refine and buff and polish and maybe scrape away the rough edges of what was already nesting within the rock.

That's a really good metaphor for how partners today try to relate to each other.

That is, all of us have an actual self, the person that we currently are, but we also have an ideal self, a version of ourselves that's aspirational.

Like, what could I maybe become if I could be the best version of myself?

And we look to our partners to be our sculptors, to help us until we actually grow toward the best ideal version of ourselves.

The answer is yes.

We do have this power, but it's not easy to do and not everybody is compatible.

And sometimes the version of you that you want to grow into isn't the version of you that I want you to grow into.

And this is a very delicate dance that we play.

And, you know, the best relationships today, the sorts of relationships that I call the all relationships and the idea of the all or nothing marriage, they're well aligned in this sense.

They're able to bring out the best in each other and connect in a way that facilitates each other's personal growth and therefore helps to produce a really profound amount of emotional connection and psychological fulfillment.

The exceptions are people who bring those expectations and are able to meet them.

And this is, I think, the crux of the entire issue.

Lots of people argue that having these high expectations is problematic and it's harming the institution of marriage.

And frankly, among the people who used to argue that is myself.

I, when I set out to write this book, thought I was writing a book about the decline over time in marriage and how we're throwing more and more expectations on this one institution and this one relationship, but we're not investing enough time.

And therefore, we've really created a seriously problematic approach to marriage.

And it wasn't until I reviewed these other scientific literatures and learned more about how things have changed that I realized that's really half the story.

It is true that we are asking a lot more, especially when it comes to these more psychological and love-based needs than we did in the past.

But some marriages are able to meet those needs.