Esther Perel

I took a kind of a side road and I just thought, I want to explore this because I had been trained in certain ways to think about sexuality in relationships. And I just thought, is that really true? I mean, is that the way it works? Because that's not what I see in my office, and I don't think it's what other colleagues see in their office.

No, not at all. That's part of why the book became so significant, because it actually questioned a whole set of suppositions that were parading as truths when they were actually not. Oh, Give me an example of sexual problems are always the consequence of relationship problems. If you fix the relationship, the sex will follow. That happens sometimes.

No, not at all. That's part of why the book became so significant, because it actually questioned a whole set of suppositions that were parading as truths when they were actually not. Oh, Give me an example of sexual problems are always the consequence of relationship problems. If you fix the relationship, the sex will follow. That happens sometimes.

But I had seen many couples who got along much better and it changed nothing in their bedrooms. Because the politics of the bedrooms are not the same as the one in the kitchen. Because love and desire, they relate, but they also conflict sometimes. And how do we negotiate and reconcile security and adventure, love and desire? That was the subject of this first book.

But I had seen many couples who got along much better and it changed nothing in their bedrooms. Because the politics of the bedrooms are not the same as the one in the kitchen. Because love and desire, they relate, but they also conflict sometimes. And how do we negotiate and reconcile security and adventure, love and desire? That was the subject of this first book.

And then I began to think, well, what happens when desire goes looking elsewhere? And that became the book about infidelity. And I thought, here too, there's a whole set of ways that we think about infidelity that don't help a ton of people. And I would ask audience after audience if they've been affected by the experience of infidelity in their lives.

And then I began to think, well, what happens when desire goes looking elsewhere? And that became the book about infidelity. And I thought, here too, there's a whole set of ways that we think about infidelity that don't help a ton of people. And I would ask audience after audience if they've been affected by the experience of infidelity in their lives.

And 85%, 90% of the people would raise their hands, either because a parent was, or they were the child of, or they were one of the three protagonists, or they were the friend. So this is not just a few words

And 85%, 90% of the people would raise their hands, either because a parent was, or they were the child of, or they were one of the three protagonists, or they were the friend. So this is not just a few words

rotten apples on the side and people are gutted by this and I thought there needs to be a better way to help people deal with the crisis of affairs and the breaches of trust and the violations and all of that and then

rotten apples on the side and people are gutted by this and I thought there needs to be a better way to help people deal with the crisis of affairs and the breaches of trust and the violations and all of that and then

And then these are still two books that basically presumes that people will be in relationships, or at least those are the people I wrote for, or people who seek to be in relationships. And then I became, I went back to the origin of my work, actually, which was I'm a systemically trained writer.

And then these are still two books that basically presumes that people will be in relationships, or at least those are the people I wrote for, or people who seek to be in relationships. And then I became, I went back to the origin of my work, actually, which was I'm a systemically trained writer.

therapist who looks at relational systems and i began to see our relational systems and our relational lives is changing fundamentally it is one of the most important pieces of the future i'm interested in the future of relationships let's go back to you said systems train yeah so help me understand what is what is the difference between psychoanalytic and systemic yeah i wouldn't even know the names yeah so psychoanalytic analytic and

therapist who looks at relational systems and i began to see our relational systems and our relational lives is changing fundamentally it is one of the most important pieces of the future i'm interested in the future of relationships let's go back to you said systems train yeah so help me understand what is what is the difference between psychoanalytic and systemic yeah i wouldn't even know the names yeah so psychoanalytic analytic and

Systemic. Systemic training was the, I mean, it exists in cybernetics. It borrowed pieces from cybernetics and feedback loops and looked at relationships and relationship problems or problems in families and couples as they are connected to the context. How is the system organized that keeps this problem in place?

Systemic. Systemic training was the, I mean, it exists in cybernetics. It borrowed pieces from cybernetics and feedback loops and looked at relationships and relationship problems or problems in families and couples as they are connected to the context. How is the system organized that keeps this problem in place?

Versus going just intra-psychically, intra, inside yourself, looking at your own personal story rather than looking at what is actually happening between me and you. That's a very different interpretation.

Versus going just intra-psychically, intra, inside yourself, looking at your own personal story rather than looking at what is actually happening between me and you. That's a very different interpretation.

Looking at how are we interacting in such a way that our communication is really fraught or that we end up both being rejected at the end of every conversation rather than just what happened in my history and what happened in your history. It's understanding. That's it. Problems occur in a context.