Esther Perel

The fact that you actually can forgive or can rebuild or that not every infidelity is actually a sign that your relationship is over and that staying and reconnecting and rebuilding the trust is actually a sign of strength rather than weakness.

That is very cultural.

When I work in Mexico or anywhere south of the border, that is not the case.

You only know it more from the women.

You know, when a woman stays and is quiet about it, you may be sure that the silence of the man is even bigger.

What kind of a man are you that you would stay?

With a woman, nobody says, what kind of a woman are you?

We just say, what kind of a low self-esteem woman are you?

But we don't challenge the whole constitutional element called woman.

We just think about her strength of character.

With him, we say, what kind of a man are you that you let your wife, you couldn't control your wife, do those things, and you still choose to be with her?

You're not a real man.

So it's misleading to think that the pressure is more on women.

The pressure is more overtly on women.

But that pressure is usually even bigger on men.

Right, because it's emasculating.

So I spent 10 years studying infidelity, wrote State of Affairs about it, and began to really... I have a list of 150 questions, really, that it wasn't just one.

But I think the most important set of questions come from this distinction.

Try not to go for the facts.

Where were you?