Esther Perel

And you know how I do it? By holding the hands of others.

If I go into nature and I know I'm a city person and I really don't know nature and I feel very vulnerable in nature. But I'll go into all kinds of adventurous trips in nature because I'll attach myself to someone who I trust and knows it well. So I hold the hand. But I do this in my work too, and I mediate the dangers of the world to the trust that I have in other people.

If I go into nature and I know I'm a city person and I really don't know nature and I feel very vulnerable in nature. But I'll go into all kinds of adventurous trips in nature because I'll attach myself to someone who I trust and knows it well. So I hold the hand. But I do this in my work too, and I mediate the dangers of the world to the trust that I have in other people.

So grief is because I think every choice comes with loss. The consequence is the choice you didn't make. And even though you think this is the right choice and this is what I must do, the grief may be the fact that you were not capable of making this thing work. Or that you had such high hopes and it didn't materialize. Or that you have wished that you didn't make some mistakes that you made.

So grief is because I think every choice comes with loss. The consequence is the choice you didn't make. And even though you think this is the right choice and this is what I must do, the grief may be the fact that you were not capable of making this thing work. Or that you had such high hopes and it didn't materialize. Or that you have wished that you didn't make some mistakes that you made.

Or that you wish you had left sooner. There's lots of things. But there is no choice that doesn't have... loss and therefore some grief attached to it. And that is the nature of the beast. That does not mean that you didn't make the right choice. In terms of heartbreak, it's a different part. Yes, some people experience heartbreak with such an ache.

Or that you wish you had left sooner. There's lots of things. But there is no choice that doesn't have... loss and therefore some grief attached to it. And that is the nature of the beast. That does not mean that you didn't make the right choice. In terms of heartbreak, it's a different part. Yes, some people experience heartbreak with such an ache.

with such a sense of longing and such a sense of fracturing on the inside that their longing becomes obsessive, that they are trapped in rumination and that it's experienced like a withdrawal.

with such a sense of longing and such a sense of fracturing on the inside that their longing becomes obsessive, that they are trapped in rumination and that it's experienced like a withdrawal.

That is not all breakups, but that is the extreme kind of breakup which has been compared to an addiction because of the intense sense of withdrawal and because it takes place in the same centers in the brain.

That is not all breakups, but that is the extreme kind of breakup which has been compared to an addiction because of the intense sense of withdrawal and because it takes place in the same centers in the brain.

I like the way you call it the operating system. So I'm going to take a sentence that you highlighted and start from there. You said, here we were fighting about what's the right moment to do the dishes. But in fact, what we were talking about is you don't care. You don't see me. You don't appreciate me. You want it your way.

I like the way you call it the operating system. So I'm going to take a sentence that you highlighted and start from there. You said, here we were fighting about what's the right moment to do the dishes. But in fact, what we were talking about is you don't care. You don't see me. You don't appreciate me. You want it your way.

And what you're highlighting here is something that I've actually talked a lot about in a new course that I'm doing on conflict, which is exactly that. How do you turn conflict into connection? And one of the things I say is that it's not what you fight about, it's what you fight for. You were fighting for recognition. You were fighting for power and control. You were fighting for respect.

And what you're highlighting here is something that I've actually talked a lot about in a new course that I'm doing on conflict, which is exactly that. How do you turn conflict into connection? And one of the things I say is that it's not what you fight about, it's what you fight for. You were fighting for recognition. You were fighting for power and control. You were fighting for respect.

You were fighting for trust and closeness. Underneath the fight, there are usually three sets of issues that we are actually fighting for. And that is power, trust, and value. So you don't value me. You know, I worked on this dish, on this cooking. I've made this nice meal. I prepared, I tried to be kind to your friends and you don't value me.

You were fighting for trust and closeness. Underneath the fight, there are usually three sets of issues that we are actually fighting for. And that is power, trust, and value. So you don't value me. You know, I worked on this dish, on this cooking. I've made this nice meal. I prepared, I tried to be kind to your friends and you don't value me.

Once you've understood that what is the hidden dimension that you are actually fighting for, the fight, the dishes, the when to do them becomes a lot more clear. a lot more clear rather than it's not just, I'm imposing my belief on you and I wanted to do my way because my way is the right way.

Once you've understood that what is the hidden dimension that you are actually fighting for, the fight, the dishes, the when to do them becomes a lot more clear. a lot more clear rather than it's not just, I'm imposing my belief on you and I wanted to do my way because my way is the right way.

That's, you may think this way, but the question is what happens when you have to confront yourself with someone who is different? I mean, everything about relationships is about straddling sameness and difference. And when you are a couples therapist, it's very typical that people come to you like a drop-off center, right?