Esther Perel

That's, you may think this way, but the question is what happens when you have to confront yourself with someone who is different? I mean, everything about relationships is about straddling sameness and difference. And when you are a couples therapist, it's very typical that people come to you like a drop-off center, right?

They tell you, you know, here, my relationship, here's my partner, let me tell you what's wrong with them and maybe you can fix them and I'll help you.

They tell you, you know, here, my relationship, here's my partner, let me tell you what's wrong with them and maybe you can fix them and I'll help you.

I'll be your adjunct on how to make my partner understand why my family's way of doing things is the best way of doing things. It's a very good way. And so then the question is, if you have to change your mind, Does that mean that it's a loss of your identity? Or can you actually experience that as an expansion, as something that you let in?

I'll be your adjunct on how to make my partner understand why my family's way of doing things is the best way of doing things. It's a very good way. And so then the question is, if you have to change your mind, Does that mean that it's a loss of your identity? Or can you actually experience that as an expansion, as something that you let in?

How do you let the other person influence you without being constantly in a defense of your, you know, this is my flag and here are my values or my operation system?

How do you let the other person influence you without being constantly in a defense of your, you know, this is my flag and here are my values or my operation system?

No, this is from my own new course. Oh, this is from your own new course. I am coming out with very soon. And that is really about letting people have a very different view and set of skills for handling conflict like this one. You know, at first it was a nice thing. You didn't fight about it. You just said, we do it. Oh, that's so interesting. No, let's do it now. No, let's.

No, this is from my own new course. Oh, this is from your own new course. I am coming out with very soon. And that is really about letting people have a very different view and set of skills for handling conflict like this one. You know, at first it was a nice thing. You didn't fight about it. You just said, we do it. Oh, that's so interesting. No, let's do it now. No, let's.

And then slowly, because you couldn't come into a unified agreement, it became a point of contention. And then that point of contention became the go-to every time you need to talk about your backgrounds, your values, your style, your priorities, your way of doing things.

And then slowly, because you couldn't come into a unified agreement, it became a point of contention. And then that point of contention became the go-to every time you need to talk about your backgrounds, your values, your style, your priorities, your way of doing things.

Your whole question is framed in power terms. Concede, acquiesce, give in, loss of self, loss of power. And that's how people feel. Yes, some people feel this way. That is one frame for some people to enter into a relationship. But if I actually change the word power, I could go like this.

Your whole question is framed in power terms. Concede, acquiesce, give in, loss of self, loss of power. And that's how people feel. Yes, some people feel this way. That is one frame for some people to enter into a relationship. But if I actually change the word power, I could go like this.

In every relationship, you will find that there often is one person who is more afraid of losing the other and one person who is more afraid of losing themselves.

In every relationship, you will find that there often is one person who is more afraid of losing the other and one person who is more afraid of losing themselves.

One person more afraid of abandonment and rejection, therefore more likely to acquiesce, to pacify, to placate, to say yes until maybe one day not. And one person more afraid of suffocation and therefore they fight for their ideas, their ways of doing it, the timing of the dishes. And that is less about power. That is more about the nature of connection.

One person more afraid of abandonment and rejection, therefore more likely to acquiesce, to pacify, to placate, to say yes until maybe one day not. And one person more afraid of suffocation and therefore they fight for their ideas, their ways of doing it, the timing of the dishes. And that is less about power. That is more about the nature of connection.

The majority of power struggles in a relationship are not power struggles. Power is the defense. The control battle is the way people are defending, trying to get something for something else that they are worried about. It's the surface behavior. You know, some people, when they're afraid, they fight. But the issue is not fighting.

The majority of power struggles in a relationship are not power struggles. Power is the defense. The control battle is the way people are defending, trying to get something for something else that they are worried about. It's the surface behavior. You know, some people, when they're afraid, they fight. But the issue is not fighting.

The issue is that they're actually afraid and they're trying to deal with their fear by gaining control. So don't just go for what you see, because what you see isn't necessarily just what it is. Go always looking at a level below. Otherwise, you're going to have a lot of this.