Esther Perel

So how do we heal from an affair?

Desire runs deep.

Betrayal runs deep.

But it can be healed.

And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine.

But others will jolt us into new possibilities.

The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together.

But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity.

They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience.

And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, you think I didn't want more?

But I'm not the one who did it.

But now that the affair is exposed, they too get to claim more, and they no longer have to uphold the status quo that may not have been working for them that well either.

I've noticed that a lot of couples in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness that they haven't had in decades.

And partners who are sexually indifferent find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious they don't know where it's coming from.

Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.

So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things that couples can do?

We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing.

So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick,

One thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.

But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself.