Esther Perel

And that distinction is important.

And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship.

He needs to become for a while the protector of the boundaries.

It's his responsibility to bring it up.

Because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten.

And that in itself begins to restore trust.

But Heather...

or deceive partners.

It is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities that give back joy and meaning and identity.

But even more important is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details.

Where were you?

Where did you do it?

How often?

Is she better than me in bed?

Questions that only inflict more pain and keep you awake at night.

And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions, the ones that mine the meaning and the motives.

What did this affair mean for you?

What were you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me?

What was it like for you when you came home?

What is it about us that you value?