Esther Perel

And they often meet.

You can give me any list you want.

This is not what you look at when you are a couples therapist.

What drew you together has very little to do with we like the same band and we like hiking the same mountains and we both like skiing and outdoors and none of it.

Or we are foodies.

That is not what is really being played out in terms of the relationship dynamic.

So when you never fight, you are trying to basically smooth out

The wrinkles, the differences, the tensions, the autonomy.

Because this is how you negotiate separateness and togetherness.

This is probably the most important task of any relationship.

What should you be trying?

What am I looking for?

You're looking for someone with whom you can, and depends if you are capable too, to negotiate what is together and what is autonomous.

Where are we separate?

Your friends, your activities, your interests, your careers, your family, and what is ours?

What is the we and what is the me?

That's what happens in relationships.

You can have the most common tastes with your partner.

If these things don't work, that's where you will have trouble.

Are you the same with him as you were with others?