Esther Perel

What it did to me, how you hurt me, how you deceived me, how you lied to me, how you betrayed me, how you were duplicitous, all of that.

And do you feel bad about that?

Do you experience guilt or remorse?

If I don't get that, there's nowhere to start.

Even if you had good reasons for doing what you did, you need to be able to know what it meant, what you did to me with it, especially if it has nothing to do with me, even more so.

If they don't, then you have a bad, that's a bad sign.

If they don't, and if they only justify and they, you know, but those are also people who typically will say it's because of you.

It kind of goes together.

So generally, I give you an out because I'm telling you, even if you had good reasons and you don't feel guilty about what you did, you need to be able to feel guilty for what it did to your partner.

Have empathy.

Have empathy and take responsibility.

It's both.

It's always the empathy and the accountability.

It's two parts.

And then...

What are you doing to give value back to your relationship?

You now have to prove to your partner because a betrayal is a devaluation of the other person.

I didn't think of you.

I didn't care about what it would do to you.

I put myself first.