Freya

accept love without feeling like I need to earn it and to be able to have a healthier relationship with myself I think the narrative that I give myself is something that I would never give to to anyone and I think that being able to work through that I think that it all kind of comes hand in hand I I find it very hard to accept a very calm love um and one that is very soft because

I, one, feel like I don't deserve that because that's not my norm, that's not how I grew up.

When you have spent so long, and I do think that maybe having issues with coming out can really affect this, when you have spent so long pouring hate into yourself,

It's very difficult to unlearn that.

And I have been unlearning that and I have been working through all of that.

And I think that that's what's been quite like a hard thing to kind of process.

I think that with EMDR specifically, you know, I go into so many memories and some of them are more traumatic than others.

But actually, funnily enough, the ones that you would think that maybe weren't as traumatic are actually the more impactful because they were the ones that happened more regularly.

They were like your mini your mini traumas, you know, and it might be a certain way that you would talk to as a child or like something that happened kind of time and time again, kind of being invalidated was like a huge one.

And so when you're used to that, then you kind of like you beg for the scraps.

You're like there to just like be like.

love me you know and so yeah there's been a lot of unpacking and but I wanted to deal with all of it because you know I do suffer really badly and I talk about it on the pod um with anxiety and it's been a bane of my fucking life like it is horrendous and I'm also ADHD to absolute fuck too and so emotional regulation with that is like quite hard rejection is really difficult with that and that can kind of stem into like any area of your life but it's

I think it's just been trying to pick up the pieces.

And I always said this to Scarlett.

I said, I never expected us to break up.

But now that we are, if I don't take this opportunity to learn and to better myself from that, then it's the least I can do from such a long time of like being with somebody and loving them and respecting them.

And I think that being able to at least grow from it is the minimum thing that I can do.

Do you think it's your, sorry to interrupt you, but it's the advocating for yourself?

That I find very difficult to do.

Exactly.