Gemma Speck

The tendency to believe that past actions should have been obvious or avoidable given what you know now.

We all know that's not true.

For every scenario your brain may have cooked up for you of how this could have gone good or bad and for all that predictive value you think your brain has, there's always going to be an option that you didn't think of and it's probably the option that happened.

Because again, you can't predict the future.

And that is why radical self-compassion is so important.

You've made a mistake.

You have a deep regret about something.

You're not sure if you can move past it.

Having radical self-compassion in that moment is not an attempt to excuse the behavior or to change it.

It's just the tone you take with yourself when you think back on it.

When I think about regrets I have, I always go back to the Professor Kristin Neff's model of self-compassion.

She defines it as comprising of three components.

Self-kindness, responding to personal failure with care rather than harsh judgment.

Common humanity, recognizing that anybody else could have made the same mistake or have a similar regret to you and what you're experiencing.

And also mindfulness, just holding painful thoughts and emotions in, balanced awareness with other more positive thoughts.

Not over-identifying with them.

Not saying that because I made this mistake, because I didn't make this choice, this is who I am for the rest of my life.

Just acknowledging that they are part of your life the way many more magical parts are as well.

Importantly, this research consistently shows...

having that kind of respect and relationship to regret doesn't reduce accountability.