Gordon Flett

And I'm actually doing some work with a colleague in Italy, Silvia Cassell, where we've created a measure of the unmet need to matter.

And it's robustly correlated with antimattering and a hypersensitivity to being hurt when somebody treats you like you don't matter.

We need to get more people addressing that core need.

What I recognize there is that there are different pathways to that sense of not mattering.

And sometimes it's neglect and non-involvement.

Sometimes it's, you know, a parent might be incapacitated with their own health issues.

Rosenberg talked about narcissistic parents being so involved with themselves that they can't connect with the other people in their lives.

But at the end of the day, some people are carrying this around

with them, as you said, and it's, it's a lifelong pattern and there's incredible stress and upset, but there's also people who will break out of that.

And that's, I think where there's a role for the school to be played in terms of this.

We had a great school where our daughters benefited and we became involved as parents and were part of the school council.

So that, you know, what I tell, what I tell schools and I'd be giving a talk on Monday to a bunch of educators in Quebec.

And I say the kid who comes to school, not feeling a sense of mattering at home really needs to get that sense of mattering at school.

And this is why educators are, they resonate with the concept of mattering because there are those stories of the one caring adult who has changed a kid's life entirely by showing an interest and becoming the mentor to that child.

You know, there are those roots to get out of it, but sadly there are those people who have got a sense of abandonment or

lack of interest, and then never snap out of it.

But I still say that there's room for hope.

And within situations like that, where I've talked to people like that, I say to them, you can generate your own sense of mattering through this focus on service, making a difference in other people's lives in a way that you don't rely on somebody treating you the right way.

And then ideally, it'll become a reciprocal mattering relationship where

you've made them feel like they matter and it feeds back into you.