Greg Fitzsimmons

Eric Griffin, Black Irish, who else was on it? Tim and Annie.

You can always be on one of my shows.

You can always be

What does it mean? It's a friend. It's a coin you use in a Korean spa.

Oh, very good.

Okay, I love you guys. He's a work in progress. Keep working on him, Andrew.

Alright, bye.

What am I being pulled over, sir? Well, you're black.

Was ist los, Buddy?

No, not heard at all. I was touched, honored that Bobby would agree to come on. You know, I do my St. Patrick's Day show every year.

Wir hatten eine gute Gruppe. Leider weiß ich nicht, was passiert ist. Ich werde dir sagen, was passiert ist. Kann ich dir sagen, was passiert ist?

Was kostet das?

Und auch... Worüber redest du?

Es ist der Vorteil für die Comedians. Ich habe dir ein paar Geld bezahlt.

There was no benefit for a school.

Little kids?

Mary, Paul and Mary?

Hatte das deine Komödie so viel ausgelöst, dass du nicht performen konntest, weil es ein Musiker-Akt war?

Du hast auslösen können, weil der Publikum da war und weil... Nein, nein. Er sollte die Show anrufen und er hat einfach nicht entschieden. Wow.

So what is it? Have you not worked out that 15 minutes of material?

I'm wondering how many more times you need to do that 15 minutes before you know it's going to work. I'm going to let you have this. Give me another one. Another what?

No, Bobby, look. You are doing so well with what you've been dealt. Genetically. Emotionally. I know that you were molested by an intellectually disabled person. I know that you've got a mustache that just won't fucking stand up and grow. There's a lot of things you're struggling with. So when you bail out on a show like that...

Wow. Very much so. Yeah.

I gave it to the busboy.

Yes.

What is this? Who says he was Mexican? How do you both jump to that immediately? Was he? He was an American young man.

Ja, okay.

You know, it's so funny that you do this because I saw his name on the list. His name is not on the list. Oh yeah, you're right.

We were not running behind. We were absolutely because there was a show on after us and so we had to promise them we would be done an hour and a half after the show started.

Dude, I love you, I respect you, and I appreciate you agreeing to do it, even though you didn't, but you agreed to. And that's the thing that means the most.

dass das die beste Gruppe war, die sie in einem Jahr gesehen hat. Jeder wurde zerstört. Weil es eine Party war.

Those guys are out of their fucking mind. That's insane. Hey, fuck it. Let's try this.

Oh, my God.

That's what I meant before when I said Oklahoma. I meant Nevada. Yeah.

Dude, John Wayne looked a lot older than 72 by the end. That was a different time. Yeah. They didn't have no vitamins. They ate mayonnaise. I know. I know. They had no sunblock, no vegetables. They just came out with margarine. Yeah. Margarine was big. You know, nonstick surfaces on pans were made out of fucking toxins.

72.

Look at him. Wow.

They say when, remember when Brando had the indigenous woman go up and accept his Oscar? And she wasn't really indigenous? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, she was a con man. Apparently John Wayne went ahead. They had to physically restrain John Wayne. Oh, he went nutty.

Victory.

That was the best orgasm of your life. So that's the weird thing about the cup, isn't it? I've done that.

Yeah, her sister ratted her out. I'm pretty sure it was her sister. Well, that's what's, I mean, talk about it. Did you find that story? Pre-internet, like the woman who was, ended up like being a leader for the NAACP and she wasn't black. Oh, Rachel Dolezal. She was Jewish.

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Although some people pretend they're not German shortly after the war.

Boys from Brazil.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was gorgeous.

Well, it was part of that whole—he went to the Neighborhood Playhouse in New York, and his class at the Neighborhood Playhouse was James Dean, Paul Newman. What was Paul Newman's wife's name? She was a very famous actress as well. Yeah, I don't remember. There was this one group that started, and it was Stanislavski taught Meisner. Meisner started the Neighborhood Playhouse.

And that whole voice in acting that was based on listening and answering and being in the moment, and it was about finding emotional truth and coming from that rather than from the dialogue. You didn't study the dialogue and recite it. You found words. Where the emotional truth of where this character was, and then you just unleashed it, and you found the moment in that.

And that started this whole kind of like realistic acting.

On the waterfront. On the waterfront was incredible. Yeah. It was great.

Oh, no shit. I just rewatched it recently. It's fucking dark, man. It's so good. So good. Jackie Gleason was fucking amazing.

Was that character based on William Moscone? No, neither one.

I heard he was a good gambler. I heard that Willie was a better tournament player and that Fats was a better money player.

No.

Dude, we should play that one day.

Oh, is it?

Oh.

Play like two-day games.

Real skinny and wired and couldn't miss a ball. No, that's the thing about pool when you play for a long time in one match is you just lose focus for a second. And then all of a sudden, it's like golf is the same way. You have to go from hyper-focus, totally present, to relaxing, shooting the shit, listening to music, whatever. And then hyper-focus again.

Really? Yeah, so I used to bring her. When she was like... 19 and 20. She was into pool, but there's no fucking pool halls on the west side in L.A. And so she had a fake ID. Isn't there a House of Billiards in Santa Monica? Closed. When did it go under? Like three years ago. So I would bring her. She had a fake ID, and we would go shoot bar pool, and we'd play as a team.

And I taught her everything, and we would go in, and it was so funny because, like, we'd play against another couple. It was two guys. And we'd start shooting, and she got pretty good. And you know me. I'm okay. And so we would win some games, and then she would say something like, oh, yeah, my father was saying, and then we'd go, oh, thank God that's your father.

Some old creep who found some young, talented pool player to take under his wing. But that's what she does. She goes out at night with her friends, and she's like that pool junkie, the one that's all night long hanging around the table.

On the west side. Okay. Is there places that you can go to? No pool halls. None? Just bars with tables. God damn.

Yeah, I used to shoot with Dom. He's fun to play with.

You know who owned that pool hall? David Brenner. David Brenner. Yeah, stand-up comedian.

It's called You Know Me. It's on YouTube. And you can go to FitzDawg.com and link to it from that. I got some tour dates coming up at Denver Comedy Works this weekend.

FitzDawg.com calendar's up there. Tacoma and Tulsa.

So much fun. Amazing place.

Sunday Papers and FitzDog Radio are the two podcasts and Childish, and you can catch those on my YouTube page as well.

It was good to see you. All right, you too, man.

But it was scary. I wonder if I hurt that guy's dick in the woods that night. Probably. Branches. Whacked that thing. Ow! Fucking squirrels thinking it's nuts. Diving at it.

No.

Yeah, gophers will fuck. We went upstate. We just had my 25th anniversary this month. Congratulations. Thank you. So we went up to Vermont and upstate New York, me and my wife. It's beautiful up there. Oh, my God. Except for the people.

Yeah, we didn't see a lot of them. People are odd. We saw very few people. People that live in those states are odd. We went to a farmer's market.

Yeah. They're odd. We were staying in a little town. Some friends of mine moved out there. They kind of retired and decided to take up farming. So they moved out to this farm. In Vermont? In Vermont. They look like they're from Vermont too, right? They all look like – you could pick them out of a lineup. Well, we went to the farmer's market and it really was like – it was like a caricature.

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It's like the dudes that look like if you push them, they would just crumble. They have like Birkenstocks on.

Everyone's got tie-dye shirts on and it's just like, good for you guys. You got your spot. Yeah, they got a spot. You can be you right here.

Yeah.

No, and they're involved with all this communal farming. They're kind people. Yeah, they all pitch in. They help each other out. My friends have a bunch of land, so they let these other farmers graze their animals on the land. Dude, then we went up into the woods, and my friends become an expert on hunting for mushrooms. Oh, Jesus.

Those are great. Then they have these ones called lobster mushrooms that actually look like lobster, and they taste like lobster. Really? Yeah, it's freaky. Did you eat them with butter? We sliced them up and sautéed them. We had them with pasta. Wow. Yeah.

Some of them are super toxic. When you think about with the death penalty, they can never fucking do it. They zap people and they survive or they shoot them up and they survive. And it's like, give them some fuck. Oh, it happens all the time. Really? I thought they all just died. No, a lot of times they fuck up and they have to do a few passes.

Yeah. And it's over. And like the old days, the shooting squads, only one person would have live ammunition so that nobody felt the guilt. You'd have like four or five shooters, and they didn't tell you whose was the live round. Oh, really? Yeah. I thought it was a couple guys had duds.

I say some of these action movies, you see them fucking running around shooting at each other. And you go like, wait a minute. This guy was just on a rooftop with a sight and hitting somebody from 300 yards away. And now he can't hit him from he's fucking running down the street and they're missing each other with 20 shots. A lot harder, though. A lot harder. Yeah.

Insane.

Okay.

How much adjusting do you do when you're shooting a crossbow, like as far as wind and distance?

Oh, you reload each shot.

That's like when you took me shooting. Remember when we went shooting up in the valley at that guy's ranch? Yes. And he had a, it was a shotgun, but he set it up like an AK-47. So you could go, you could shoot a shotgun, but like.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that was the crazy. You're like, you want to shoot tomorrow? I was like, yeah, I figured we're going to some range with a bunch of, you know, yuppies shoot and, and I, and eyes odd shirts and flip flops. And I walk out and we drive down. I get off the highway. get to a dirt road, down the dirt road, get to a fucking dirt driveway. I'm like, where the fuck are we going?

And we get to this place, and it's Ukrainian chicks in yoga shorts and crop tops, and they are the most badass. They are fucking master shots.

And we get down there, and what was the guy's name that runs it? Yeah, holy shit.

And what about the women? Where do they come from?

I'm being real nice.

You get a lot of attention. One of the biggest social media accounts is this girl. She's a super hot, full-figured golfer.

She's huge.

It's a good move. It's like being one of those... Women that attracts Cher or Bette Midler. That attracts gay guys?

And they spend money. They got that no children money kicking around in their pockets.

Although now most have children.

Okay.

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Of divorced.

It's just I'd chicken out every time it was time to suck your dick. I'd be like, sorry, man. I don't like how that thing looks.

Yeah.

I wonder what the stats are on drunk driving between men and women. I bet it's so much higher with dudes. Just crazy dudes. I don't know. Because a lot of girls are like, I can fucking do it.

Yeah. My dad used to drunk drive. Crazy. He crashed a car into a tree and died, and they brought him back to life. She's in the emergency room for weeks.

Yeah, cops have a weakness for drunk women, for sure.

Yeah. What was the one where she goes, don't you want to help out a pretty woman? And he goes, well, if I see one, I'll help her out.

I like the one with the father and the son. They always do these big, crazy physical stunts where they destroy the living room and have a fight and they scream at each other. But it's so real. I bought it the first two times and I was like, oh, no, they're not fighting this often, this hard. They wouldn't still be living together. Right. But it's so funny.

Well, I guess Faces of Death, a lot of those were fake.

Well, how much longer until, like, you know, the AI nudes are so fucking real. Oh, yeah. And now they're making AI nude videos, not just stills.

So it's even better. Look at that.

Well, and also how it's affecting the entertainment business. Like Tyler Perry just was about to build a billion dollar studio in Atlanta. It's because of that. No, and then he saw that and he canceled the plans. He's like, we don't need... physical production any longer.

Yeah, they stand and they get shot in a green screen from like eight different angles for a half an hour and then they own them for life.

So they don't need to shoot new stuff.

No, I remember the first time I got a high-def TV, it threw me. I was like, this looks fake. Everything looks fake. Yeah, everything was too much in my face. And I think Tarantino still shoots on film.

I think his films are all done on film.

I'm sure it's video because the editing is so much easier. When you edit film, you have to convert it and then edit it and then you have to convert it back again. Oof. And so when you, like, I've written on TV shows that were film. And first of all, you can't do as many takes in a row because you have to change the reels on the cameras. Yeah.

So you get to get in, you know, two or three takes and you got to stop down for five minutes and reload. I'm pretty sure news radio is film.

Usually multi-camera is when you're in a studio like Everybody Loves Raymond or something like that. That's usually shot digitally.

Headphones?

Yeah, I was going to shoot my special on film. I actually was talking to Kodak and getting the reels, and it was going to be three times more expensive to shoot it on film. But think about live at the Sunset Strip. It felt like you were in the room. You could smell it and feel it.

Right.

I would love to see that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like that fucking suit. Yeah.

That is... And all that shit.

Yeah, well, the reason I do it is because I started wearing hats because after the show, people would take photos with me with my shaved head, and the light would just bounce off my chrome, and you couldn't see me in the photo. So I realized that I wore baseball caps, but then when you're on stage, it puts a shadow over your face. Right. You can't see your face, so I started wearing these.

Oh, yeah.

He did.

It's tough to play a comedian when you're not a comedian. There's something you can't put your finger on about the rhythm of it. Well, you know they're faking it. Well, you know who's not bad? Have you seen that show Hacks? No. Jean Smart? No. She's fucking good. Yeah? She's a great actress, but she pulls it off.

Oh, yeah, yeah. She pulled it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She pulled it off. Yeah. That was Joan Rivers it's based on, basically, right? I don't know. It seems like it's the same time.

Because she has a whole QVC line and it's a lot of the same stuff. But then the woman that plays, she's got like this writer who's like her, she writes for her and goes on the road with her, played by Lorraine Newman's daughter. Oh, wow. I can't remember her name, but she's fucking great.

Yeah, she's so talented.

I bailed off in the third season also. You know what it got? It got very sticky. It got very Jewish sounding, almost like a Neil Simon play.

Right, right.

Yeah. You know who's great in that show is Kevin Pollack. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's really strong. He is great in that. He's one of those guys that just like – He could do anything. For a lot. You ever see his IMDB page? He's done hundreds of roles.

I think Seinfeld, too, did that. He got real audiences.

And you might have to swap out the crowds because you're doing multiple takes. So just bring in a new one after two hours.

I like shaving the head, though. I started during the pandemic.

Right, right.

Remember, what was it, Tom Hanks? The punchline, yeah. It was so bad. Terrible with Sally Fields. Oh, my God. They had lockers at the comedy club. Everybody had their own locker.

And he hadn't. And it's always that same storyline every time, which, you know, like there's an element of truth to it. But like they're starting out, they've got a shtick. And then somebody, an older person pulls back. Hey, man, you got to just be yourself. You got to use your own voice. And then all of a sudden they go up with no script, but they just are themselves. I mean, they did it Maisel.

But it's true. I mean, it is true to a certain extent, but they just hit it so hard.

I know.

She had stories, right.

Oh, my God. But although I heard a story. You remember Lucian Holt from the comic strip?

I feel so much better like this.

Wait there. Oh, that's Taylor. That's the locker room I was showing you. Taylor something. He was super talented.

But Lucian Holt brought me to his apartment. Lucian Holt, by the way, he had mixed feelings because anytime you're a club booker, you're going to have a certain number of people that just are not a fan because they didn't get passed. But Lucian was an amazing guy. He was a curator of... Eddie Murphy of Chris Rock. Like he was the guy that brought people through the strip. Adam Sandler. Yeah.

And he brought me to his apartment one time and he had wall to wall videos back when everything was half inch VHS tapes. walls of everybody's first times. Wow. And so he showed me when Tom Hanks came in for punchline, he only did stand up for like three nights and he came into this strip and he did it. And I gotta be honest, like he came in and he had some written material and he fucking did good.

Oh, shit. Fuck off. Dude, when I was a teenager, there was a place in New York called the Stag Brothers. And it was these two Italian brothers. And they cut hair. And you go in there and they had the reason we all went. Like our moms would drop us off out front. We'd go inside. And then they had penthouse magazines while you waited. So you hoped that you got to wait for a while.

And then someone heckled and he like annihilated them and then got back into the material. I was like, fuck this guy. Yeah. This Is Him? Yeah.

So that was good. Make it look grainy.

And then they call you and like you got your little 15-year-old erection. You're trying to hide. Put the cape over me. Cover me.

Imagine that Robin Williams popping in. Nuts. Fuck. I hope he doesn't do my material. Yeah, he was in the crowd one night. I was at the Comedy Cellar, and he was in the crowd, just sitting, for some reason. He was drunk. He had had a lapse, and he started heckling me, but in a playful way. He wanted to improv and fuck around. Wanted to play. Yeah. So I did. I played with him. Wow.

I don't know where I got it in me, but I was shitting on him for being Mork from Ork, and he was laughing. He didn't jump up on the stage, which would have been fucking sweet.

I don't think he remembered he was doing it. I think it was just like, it was sticky. Jokes were sticky to him. And then they came up because it was improvising. And I read this article about it.

He used to steal so much from Rick Overton that he was getting, he would just call his manager and be like, he did it again. And they just cut him a check. But it was like, you know, money doesn't cover it. That's your tool belt.

where their career just just tanked you remember Larry Larry Miller's closing bit on the 10 stages or how many stages of being drunk he closed with that shit for years and people demanded it because it was just it was an act out so you didn't get sick of seeing it right right and he honed it over the I mean he's such a craftsman he's such an exacting performer and such a precise writer and then I saw some guy doing that

bit and I was like dude I mean I hate to bring up Mencia but like it was like that thing with Cosby with the football thing like yeah like dude that's like exact

Well, also when you get guys that aren't just taking – and not just guys, women obviously – who aren't just taking the jokes, but they're taking the persona. Like how many guys did we see being Bill Hicks back in the day?

That seems to be big in the black culture. I mean, obviously there's those movies, Barbershop. But, I mean, it really is a place that people hang out. But now you've got cigar. Do you like hanging out in cigar shops?

That was a great club, Atlanta Punchline. Oh, perfect club. Perfect old wooden club. Perfect club. And it had, they must have done comedy 30 years there easily. They moved to a, it's funny because it's not as big of a place and it's connected to like a diner, but it's still kind of got the magic of the old Punchline. That's great. Atlanta crowds. We did a nice theater in Atlanta one time. Yeah.

Remember that?

I think it was literally crumbling by the end. Was it? Yeah. Oh, the building was falling apart? I think it was a teardown, yeah. And I just like, there's something about old clubs where you really can feel the history.

Zaney's in Nashville. Yeah. Yeah. And the Punchline in San Francisco. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you feel it in the walls. Denver Comedy Works. Oh, yeah.

And also, I think the staff, you can tell a great club because you go back year after year and it's the same staff. Yeah. You know, you got people that, you know, it's a waitress that she's been working there 20 years, but she's got a day job. But she's like, fuck that. I'm still coming in on Friday nights because these are my friends, you know.

And I get to see all the comics that I've loved over the years. Yeah. Yeah. All those clubs. And then you go to some of these bigger clubs where they're like a chain and the turnover is fast. Yeah.

yeah yeah she's got some good energy I know and it's also my niece moved out to San Diego and I got her a job as a waitress at the comedy store in La Jolla oh wow and so she hit the ground running because like you know you don't know people and all of a sudden she's working with a staff of people that are all fun as shit and they work together and then they all go out for drinks afterwards and now she's got a real job and she's yeah she's still working there one or two nights a week that comedy store in La Jolla is another one of those places it's a classic room

Well, I think the store is actually setting out to do a bunch of specials down there. They've got some good people that they've kind of hired to do a production wing of the store. It's a perfect room.

And it's also not LA.

People had their own humidors in there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I was just in New York last week and all anybody talks about in New York is they talk about politics in a smart way. They talk about culture. They talk about writers. And then you go back to L.A. and they just all talk about showbiz. Like even your doctor. Your doctor wants to talk about his famous clients and he's got headshots on his wall. It's like you're a fucking doctor. Yeah.

I don't care that Leonard Nimoy used to come here. He's dead. You failed. All headshots. All over the wall. Yeah. It's so strange. My shrink said to me one time, he goes, I was telling him about how I was down. I don't know if you remember this, but I used to do Stern a lot. And Stern, I asked him to write the foreword to my book. And do you remember this story?

Yeah, so he basically ran me through the mill. And it was a bit. It was a radio bit. It wasn't mean-spirited. It was a little mean-spirited. Well, it came off way worse than the reality of it was.

Well, so I asked him to write the foreword to my book, and then he said on the air, there's a million things I'd rather do than sit down and write this foreword. And I think the intent was he didn't want people coming to him and asking him to do things like this, or he'd be doing it all the time.

So I asked him to do it, and he just starts busting my balls and calling me at home and saying, I don't want to do this and blah, blah, blah. So I go to my shrink, and I'm talking about I have depression. Let's let that sit for a second. And he says to me, he goes, it's so weird. He should have never fucking told me this.

He goes, I have a patient that came in, and he said he's having a hard time lately. And I said, well, what's going on? And he goes, well, my boss at work is a fucking douche. My wife keeps telling me that I'm not emotional enough. And then there's this guy named Greg Fitzsimmons on the Howard Stern Show, and they're just torturing him.

Uh-huh. But I'm better now. My depression has never been better. What'd you do different? I got way more disciplined about working out. You can probably see it. Look at that.

I get guns. I'm doing yoga.

Yeah. Regular exercise. I meditate. Just meditated before I came here every day.

And said school. Oh, yeah. You used to have a fucking locker and shower after third period because they just made you run like an army obstacle course and do push-ups and jumping jacks.

Yeah, yeah.

That guy owns Warner Brothers. Yeah. That dude is an eight-picture deal over in Columbia.

Yeah.

But, dude, we used to run laps.

We used to fucking run laps. Sure. And then you felt good and you went back to class. I taught my kids their gym classes weren't shit. They didn't have to do anything.

There's no tougher training, man. Wrestling is brutal. But my son, he was having trouble when he was in college. I can know preschool. He was biting kids. He was like crazy. And so the teacher said, there's this place called Marina Taekwondo in Venice. Great program for kids. So he started in preschool and he went all the way through eighth grade.

He got his black belt, his junior black belt, and it changed him. Fucking changed him. He became disciplined. It calmed him down. He used to go like three or four days a week.

When he got his – I don't know if they always do this, but when he got his black belt, he had to do certain – what do they call them? Katas? Is that the –

Yeah, he was, I think, he did his katas, and then he had to break some boards, and then he had to do whatever. And then he had to fight two black belts. Like, at the same time. And he had to go, like, three rounds. At the same time? At the same time. They fucking sicked him on him. And Mr. Jones, Keith Jones, shout out. And it was tough. And he started crying.

And Mr. Jones sat him down and he goes, you're going to get back in there. You're going to finish this. And he went in and he wiped his tears and he fucking finished. And then he got his black belt. It was badass. Yeah. How old was he? We started in kindergarten. This would have been in like, I don't know, sixth or seventh grade.

But I do think there is something to giving a kid a goal. Like you're going to get your blue belt and you're trained for that. You're going to get your red belt.

Oh, yeah. He ended up quitting to get a movie career that never happened.

Yeah. And also when the fear of being physically hurt is driving you to push yourself to be better. Yes. That's real.

Yeah. My nephew, Rowan, he grew up in South Africa and he was like – You know, had every letter, ADHD, whatever. He had it all. And he was the number one most – he got the record at his school for the most detentions. They kept track, and they, like, gave him an award. And then he found rugby. When he was, like, 14, he started doing rugby hard. And he's a big, thick kid.

And he became an animal, and it straightened him out. Right now he's at Columbia University. He was in the – he went out for the – Green Berets. No, the Navy SEALs. Have you seen? He just missed it. He made it all the way to Hell Week and then got dropped from the program. That's crazy. But because he was in the Navy, they gave him a full ride to Columbia. They pay him to go to school at Columbia.

I guess it's the GI Bill. Is that what they call it? Probably. Something like that.

Yeah.

yeah i think putting a kid who's got some because you get anger when you when you have all these learning disabilities you get very angry oh yeah you know because you're not fitting in you're not doing as well you're trying your hardest and you're coming up short and you get fucking angry and you need something to focus that on i think all kids need something to focus yeah they just need something it's too easy to just be lazy and

It was the 30s, yeah.

Well, because they were recent immigrants and they were fighting for turf. They were fighting for jobs. The Irish and the Italians were fucking fighting each other. They needed food. Yeah.

And they had 11 brothers and sisters. So they were fighting at home before they even left the house.

But this is the thing.

Cabbage. That was your only vegetable.

Yeah. You had the Iceman. Every couple days, an Iceman would come to your house and put it in your box.

When do trucks start?

Yeah.

What do we got?

More expensive for ice. Because it didn't have piss in it. That's the delineating factor.

The French are serving up some chocolate ice cream. Did you mean this to be chocolate?

For sure. Yeah.

Right. Not a chance in hell. Do you eat snow?

It's amazing how bad it gets in New York in the winter, how fast. That shit falls, and an hour later, it's gray.

I got a guy. Maybe that's why they call it on the rocks because it's surrounded by rocks in the pit. No. I think it's ice cubes are like rocks, right? Well, there's a lot of schools of thought on this.

I know. And then they make you clear your own plate and go in the fucking kitchen and wash it.

I remember there was a Seinfeld episode where Kramer was pitching a pizza place where you make your own pizza. And he had a friend invest, and the guy had a restaurant, and he went out of business.

Yeah. And then you got to go to the salad bar. I got to walk to get my salad.

I remember that. We went to one of those places in Vegas. Was it Fogo de Chao? Fogo de Chao, yeah. Fogo de Chao, yeah. That was awesome. Those places are the best. Yeah.

Yeah, also he's a redhead. Name a lot of redheaded leading men.

I was in South Africa one time, and we were at a game park called Pilanesburg or something. And they had a restaurant next to the game park, and you would go there. And I remember it was called Carnivore. And you go in, and they come over with skewers, but it was like, you want some giraffe? You want some hippo? You want some buck? Yeah. Everything. I tried everything.

We had our guy.

And how are they not dead? I mean, how do they protect themselves?

Do you know that? Oh, okay.

And instead they started the phrase, the word ginger and took them all down. That was brutal. They were just redheads before that.

It's like the bottom half is one animal and the top half is another animal.

I don't know how you mix. Forest giraffe. How do you mix with a giraffe? Because how do you fuck it if you're another animal? Well, you have to do another giraffe. Yeah. Yeah. That's why they don't mix with anybody. Giraffes do the fucking.

You weren't a freak. No. You were just a person with red hair. No one cared. Now they beat you up. There's literally like bullying if you're a redhead. I was a redhead. Were you really? I was a fucking copper top until I was probably about 11. That's so bizarre. Your hair changed color? Yep.

I just saw a video on the Internet of sloths having sex. How was it? Well, it was as exciting as you would think. It was like, first of all, like the mating call, like the female was like a mile away. And it was like this little, like this little noise. And he just perks up. He goes racing down the tree, which takes like a day.

and then he has to go through these croc-infested waters, and he just keeps hearing the noise. He keeps going, and he gets to the other side, and he climbs up the tree. There's another male. They go to battle. There's a sloth battle with their three little claws, and then the guy gets to the top, and the female's there, and he gets on top of her, and it's just like...

It happened to my kids, too. Both my kids were redheads, and their hair changed when they got older.

One stroke, deet, goosh, done. That was the whole thing. Wow. Like, think about how horny those fuckers are. Like, the average married couple, like, what does it take to get laid? You just got to listen to your wife for a little while. Yeah, how was your day?

And just listen, and you're in. And even then, men are like, I don't know. It's a lot to ask.

That's the bat signal for Dick. Yep. And then, but the amazing thing is, like, when you think about that, what drives animals, us being animals, to do the things we do? I was thinking about this when I watched this law thing.

All the things that gratify us, that nature has taught us to procreate in order to, you know, whether it's eat, your stomach hurts, and the joy of the taste of food, all these things that are built into us as animals that keep us procreating, the fucking, even like, you got an itch. And you take your nails and you scratch it.

Well, there was probably a reason because there used to be bugs embedded in your skin or dry skin or like everything that we do is somehow built into rewards and punishments that are unconscious to us. Mm-hmm. You know, and are they going to be able to, can you program that into people eventually to alter behavior?

He gave me a little dick and then it grew bigger. Oh. Oh, I remember having a little dick.

Oh, that was the worst feeling when you were a little kid and, you know, you just like. Well, you see your dad's dick. Yeah. You're like, what the fuck? I know. What is that thing? What the fuck?

Yeah, it's like a big game of chicken. And there's no like when we were kids, I don't know if this happened in your school, but like we had drills. We had nuclear war drills. Like it was a day to day existential worry that people didn't sleep because of nukes. Those same fucking nukes are tenfold today in terms of the arsenals. And way more people have them. Way more countries have them.

And there's way more. When you look at what's going on in the Middle East, like that is a fucking that that is going to explode at some point. And it's going to happen fast because there's all these alliances where if one country does it. Eight others are going to do it the same day.

North Korea, man. Once North Korea has it, it's a fucking. They have it.

Yeah, and his balls are hanging like six inches down.

fucking psychopaths well we did it in Oklahoma in uh I guess it was like maybe the 50s or 60s oh yeah and they the fucking they didn't they didn't tell people to leave the neighboring towns and there's all these people the cancer rates were through the roof here it says um

So four times the size. Nagasaki was 25. Holy shit.

One was an atomic and one was a hydrogen, right?

I think so.

Right, right. And don't look back because it will rip your eyeballs out. That might be my tea mug that you just grabbed. Oh, is that it?

there's a great series on Netflix right now about the Cold War. It's like three episodes, but it goes through, you know, just the espionage that went behind it all and, you know, how the nuclear codes got to Russia because, was it the, what was it? It was the couple, the Rosenbergs. Oh, yes.

And there was a few people that basically got the information to Russia and then once that happened, like, everything fucking changed. Like, after World War II, basically in World War II, The we bombed Japan not because they weren't going to surrender.

There was like this is what this documentary talks about, that there was an end in sight, that they were they were crawling, they were on their knees. But Russia had sent forces into Japan as as our allies to help, you know, finish the finish the war. We didn't want them getting any of the credit. So we bombed before while Japan was on route, while Russia was on route, we bombed Japan. Whoa.

Oh my God. Balls are hilarious. Joey's balls are hilarious. It's amazing that a woman, why would they have sex with us?

So once we did that, Russia was like, oh, it's on. Fuck them. We need we need. And they basically just they realigned their whole military, their whole budget. Everything was about getting nukes after that happened. Those bombs didn't need to be dropped.

And I think the same thing is true of Kim Jong-un right now. I don't think he— He was friends with Trump.

Imagine if that was how it all worked out.

Yeah. Give the people electricity. Dude, it's so mysterious when you hear about people that escaped from North Korea and they talk about how literally it's the thought police.

We have an agenda.

He shot a round of golf. He shot a 27 in 18 holes. That was his dad.

Yeah.

Yeah. But also, if you don't react like that, the police see you and they put you in a fucking gulag for like five years.

And then if they find out that you have a relative overseas that's bad-mouthing North Korea, your family gets put into a fucking camp.

Yeah. It's so mysterious, too.

Dennis Rodman, yeah. If I had to pick one eloquent NBA star, it would be Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman.

Uh-huh.

He'd fix it. He'd take that nuke like it was a fucking three-point shot. He'd just reach up, stop.

Yes. Oh, yeah, I did see that.

Yeah.

Dude, and it's going into China. China uses, I don't want to say which supermarket chain because I don't want to malign somebody, but one of the major supermarket chains, they have meat processing plants where China brings in North Korean slaves. They are kept in barracks with barbed wire fences, and they work for 12, 14 hours a day, seven days a week. And they get paid like $100 a month.

And then they come back to North Korea after like four or five years. and their families get this little fucking tidbit of money, but they don't have a choice because North Korea picks what they think are the best examples of what North Korea is because they want to look good to China, and they send those people over, and they're worked as slaves for years.

And the American companies are buying food from these plants in China. Jesus Christ. Yeah, there's an article in The New Yorker about it.

No, I'm just saying it's weird that there is this accepted power dynamic between a man and a woman when they make love. Because, well, like you said, the woman trusts. But we have two guys. It's kind of like I don't know what it's like. Tell me what it's like.

Well, and this doesn't even factor in the African mines where they're pulling up the, what's the metal they need? The cobalt mines where they, you know, they send you, they send people into these mines that are like a mile deep and you maybe make it back up. Maybe you don't. The elevators sometimes stop working. You go down there for like two or three days at a time in the blackness.

No.

Let's go. Let's get out of here. That was the Irish. We all came over and went into the mines. Well, all the people in Kentucky, right? In the Appalachias.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was Sapiens.

Huh. Yeah. That's funny because you think of like the shepherd is this like kind of archetypal figure of this guy who's just kind of laying back with a piece of hayseed in his mouth, chilling out. But now they're warriors. You have to be. Yeah. Because you'll lose all your food. Yeah.

Yeah.

There's this comic. I did Kill Tony last night, and this comic came up, and he said he's got a Kia, and it's been stolen four times this year. I guess Kia has some kind of a defect, and you can read about it online, but it's like super easy, like old-school hot wiring. You can just grab a Kia. Yeah, I've heard about this. They get stolen a lot. Kia thefts. It's a big deal.

You were about to break. You know I almost did once, right? How close did you get? I've told this story on my podcast, but I'll give a brief version of it. I went, when I was in college, I was an English major and I studied like Allen Ginsberg and Kerouac and all these guys that were into homoerotic stuff. A lot of them were gay.

I mean, the only downside is once you do it, you've got a Kia stolen.

Oh, there's nothing more joyful than driving a Kia.

So you're not going to congratulate me? Bought the Mustang. Oh, that's right. I sent you the picture. That's right.

I've been talking to you about it for 15 years. I wanted a Mustang. And I always had kids and college. I get fucking worried about money. I always spent my money on trips. Our family travels a lot. Cars were never a big thing. But yet, there was always a teenager that fucking wanted a Mustang. And then finally, I just fucking did it. Which one did you get? It's just a Mustang.

Yeah? I took it up into the Malibu Hills or San Monica Mountains the other day with my wife. And you've got those little, like, serpentining roads and fucking – it handles unbelievably. And it's so low to the ground. You turn and you just feel like you're turning with the car. Yeah, you're not used to a car like that.

No. I was driving a Prius and a Subaru. It was awful. And now I feel alive for the first time. I knew you were going to ask me if it was a fucking GT or something.

Get that eco boost.

I'm in. Now you're in. Well, now I got a little more money, too. Yeah. My kids are out. Yeah, you're fine. Yeah. Spending money now. Spending like a million. It's been a good couple years, but like... It's all going back. I put a lot of it into this special that I shot at your club, by the way, at the mothership. I heard it's great. It's out today. Oh, did you? Yeah, I heard it's great.

Oh, that's nice to hear.

Yeah. Yeah, it was fun. It was, you know, because I was going to do it before the pandemic happened. And then that stalled it out. And then I came back. I shot it at one place. It meant too much to me to put out a bad version of it. So I edited it for three months and then I just fucking scrapped it entirely. And then when I did, there we go.

And then the great Adam Egott said, hey, we'd love to have you. Joe, we'd love to have you do a special here. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I came in and I didn't have to do shit. I didn't have to like build a backdrop because Brian Simpson, I think, is the only guy that's put a special out from this place. So like that backdrop is beautiful and people haven't seen it much.

Right, right. Yeah, but at the same time, I wanted it to be special. It's been a long time since I put a special out. And this material is like, again, I've been working on it for like eight years. So I wanted it to really pop. And so I bought in an 800-pound gorilla. They shoot a lot of the specials. And I spent some money, and I did it right. And I'm fucking psyched about it. Nice.

And then, and even Emerson and Whitman, like all that old stuff was all gay imagery. And then there was David Bowie. I loved David Bowie. I loved Iggy Pop, Mick Jagger. And these guys were all fucking around with each other. Yeah. And so I was like, all right, this must be kind of something you do. You experiment with this.

And is it going to be on YouTube? It's on YouTube right now. It comes out today.

And it's also, I love that I can see the comments. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you put it on Netflix or Comedy Central, I guess there's going to be some conversation on certain places. But YouTube, it's right fucking there. And you can see how many people are watching it. And, you know, I just don't want my wife and kids to watch the last 10 minutes.

That's where I start giving it to the old lady a little bit.

Yeah, they don't need to see that. They don't need to see your act. Come on. Stay away from that.

Yeah. You can see the trips I take you on. That's all you need to care about. Dad's Mustang. That's all you're concerned about.

Oh, yeah?

No shit.

What was that Mustang you drove into the comedy store one night? You had like a 68 Fastback, was it?

Yeah.

That's how they get you. They get a couple mascots. They get the coolest guy in rock and roll. Right? The three coolest guys in rock.

Look at that. I know, because that was the rap on old Mustangs is they were fast, but you went into a corner and you got slammed against the side of the car. Look at that thing. Nasty. Those are fun. I don't know what it is about Mustangs. It's just the American car to me.

Yeah. Fucking great.

It feels right. Like it's exciting. I know my wife wanted me to get a Tesla, and I was like, I want to feel it. I want to feel that fucking rumble. Tesla's actually faster, though, isn't it? Way faster.

Yeah. And so I was not attracted to men. I never have been. I can appreciate a handsome man. I think you're not hard on the eyes. Thank you. And then I was like, all right, so I guess I'm not going to take it up the ass.

Well, it's insanity because then people don't hear you coming, and you're going that much faster.

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Oh, no shit. Yeah. You have to think about that. Yeah. Rivians had a big callback. I think they're okay now, but they called back every one of them at one point. Oh, for what? Like a year ago.

And then I realized, like, I'm going to do it. And when I do it, it's either going to be like, ugh, or it's going to be like, oh, my God, this is fucking amazing. This is incredible.

And they just fry. And people's houses burn down because if you leave it charged in your garage, it will ignite sometimes.

Imagine that. You're trying to save a few bucks by getting an electric bike and you burn your house down.

And so I was drunk one night. I was like a junior in college. And my apartment, remember the Fenway in Boston? Yeah, yeah. The Fenway was like a wooded area. Like every city has a small wooded area. where they grow trees for the reason for anonymous gay sex. The brambles in Manhattan, you got Griffith Park in LA, there's always like a little gay area.

Oh, don't show me this. That also doesn't even get into what we're talking about with the cobalt mining that has to go into it and the disposal of the batteries, which nobody really understands yet.

I'll tell you what a luxury hotel is. You put me up in this beautiful hotel, and the elevators are always there. That's the difference between a good hotel and a bad hotel. Right, when you have to wait. No matter what floor you're on, you push the button. I swear to God, two seconds, the thing is there. And then I'm in the middle of, I'm on the road for a month right now.

I'm home for two days because I'm out promoting the special and doing road work on the weekends in between. So yesterday I was like, fuck, I got to do some laundry. And so I look on my Google Maps. Is there a place for drop-off service? Nothing. I would have to drive like 15 minutes in an Uber. So I was like, fuck it. I'll just do the hotel laundry. And it's like a luxury hotel.

So I put my clothes into the bag. It was five pairs of socks, five T-shirts, and five pairs of underwear. I came back. It was $105. Jesus. I was like, fuck, man.

Yeah, right, right. And I don't buy expensive socks, you know, but I had already turned- Again, who's making those socks?

And what store is selling sheen? I mean, I know- I think it's an online thing. Okay. Because I know sometimes the big ones like Walmart, they get in trouble for some of the places they shop.

If they found two in China, I mean, China, they protect what's going on in these factories. Do you think... I mean, does this count the North Koreans that are being held?

So my apartment happened to be, it was on Boylston Street, it was across the street from the Fenway. So I'm stumbling home one night. It's like 3 in the morning, and I look at the woods, and I go, fuck it. I'm going to do it. Wow. So I walk in, and I'm looking around. I'm like, I don't know the protocol. I don't know how it works. I'm just waiting.

Which is weird because that was the kid's name that they caught doing the child labor.

Is that what you buy? It's called Tom's, yeah. They sell you a pair of shoes and they donate a pair to a third world kid that has no shoes. Oh, that's nice. You know those barefoot kids? Yeah, that's nice. I'm not barefoot anymore. There you go. What are the companies? I guess Patagonia, they're very conscious about where they manufacture shoes.

No, the company is not doing good. Dude, I fucking love that company. Love that place. They got one in Marina Del Rey that's huge. I don't know. I get so excited just walking through the aisles finding cool shit.

I know.

And you had to put in those giant flashlights. Double D batteries that weighed like eight pounds to carry it around.

Dude, all my camping stuff is solar. Really? Yeah, my lanterns are all solar. It's great. Oh, wow. They collapse. It's collapsible, and then it pops up. I think it's a Coleman. It collapses, and then it pops up and then charges, and it's got a nice light.

Yeah, I bet you those boats, those people that take a boat from Hawaii to mainland U.S., they must have – everything must be solar. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude, if you told me we're going to send you on a sailboat to Hawaii, I would be like, I'll just die. You could just, you could kill me. Going into storms with 20 foot waves on a sailboat.

And then all of a sudden, it's like fucking leaves are blowing, and there's shadows. And then this guy just pops out from behind a tree like a little gay leprechaun. He's like, I'm the guy. I was like, all right, I guess he's the guy. Wow. And he walks over and we look at each other and then he unzips his pants. He pulls out his cock and I'm just looking at it and then he pulls his balls out.

Or sieges. Like, a siege used to be you surrounded the city and you kept any food from coming in. Now, how about a drought for a year? Right, right.

And I look at the balls and I was like, nope, no interest. I'm fucking out. That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. And so I got scared because now I'm alone in the woods with a guy with his dick out. And so I just pushed him away from me. Oh, Jesus. And he fell down and then he jumped up and he just sprinted back into the woods with his dick flopping around.

Well, how much control? I mean, I don't know anything about it except like, what do they call it? Cloud seeding? Cloud seeding is real. How much control do we have over the weather now?

So if there's cloud seeding, will there not be fighting between places about who gets to pull the water from the clouds? Because you'll exhaust the air in the water eventually, in the sky eventually.

When you're in the desert, sometimes that shit backs up.

I just stumbled out and I was like, well, I guess I can't do that.

That's the Department of Cloud Seeding. We're not cloud seeding.

By the way, the BBC, when I think about, because everybody talks about which news sources can you trust, and neither side trusts the other side. BBC kind of feels like the place we can all go, that's pretty good.

So I get that.

Well, that's why I prefer People magazine over us because, like, when I see Ben Affleck with a giant Starbucks cup and it says he's just like us, I'm like, fucking, that's it. That's the real deal. That's facts. I used to read People Magazine every week. My wife was working in a doctor's office, and I'd say, fucking steal that People Magazine. So nuts. I just love it. I don't know why.

It's because it's so much. After all the other bullshit news that you're looking at, just to go like, all right, I want to see a country singer who's got a new fucking baby. It's sweet.

What did you do? My father was in broadcasting, and he did a lot of voiceovers. And so one of his accounts was the National Enquirer. And his voice would come on every week. All the commercials for National Enquirer would come on. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Give me some.

And the vagina's got protection. It's got curtains and walls and blinds.

How about this new kind of like the Christians are taking over the country and forcing us to put the Ten Commandments on the sides of fucking courthouses and get it taught in schools? Who's doing that? It's a fantasy. Wait a minute. Who's doing that? What, the courthouses? Yeah. Where's that happening? What state is that? Maybe it's Texas.

Really?

Well, there's different Ten Commandments, first of all. There's the Catholic Ten Commandments, and then there's the Lutheran Ten Commandments, so I don't even know which one they're using. But is it Alabama? One of the states is forcing them to put the Ten Commandments inside of courthouses.

In that case, I'm in. I'm in on those Ten Commandments. They came from somewhere real then.

They just manifest different types of life forms at different times.

It's more logical than it not being true. I mean, all the laws of physics are about the energy and mass not disappearing. It exists, and there's different wavelengths that all life exists. We're in such a slim... You know, a frame of energy that and now I feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Yeah, but it's just it's not logical that there would be just this.

Yeah, and also the fact that we can travel at a certain speed and the fact that there isn't another life force that can go instantaneously through incredible distances.

Yeah. Is Russia or China, is anybody else going to the space station we can catch a ride from? It would be nice.

I heard it's like nine months is the forecast right now of how long they can stay up there.

No.

No. And how long are they saying? I heard something like nine months.

When do they start eating each other?

Right. You might take a chance. You know what's so fucking crazy is that it takes this long. When you think about, like, what was it, 1969 when we went to the – when did we go to the moon the first time? Allegedly. Say allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. That they basically took with no real computers, with, you know, none of the technology we have today.

Picture a 1969 fucking Camaro going up into space. They got up to space in, you know, and they had a space program that was very accelerated. They did this shit fast because Russia had thrown down the gauntlet. They had already gotten there. We wanted to get on the moon first.

Oh, that's right.

But, dude, they got up there, and then somebody hit a wrong button. I guess this was the first one, the Apollo. Yeah. They hit a wrong button on the computer, and they went off course, and they self-corrected on a fucking onboard computer. Because, you know, if you miss the gravitational pull, you just fucking spin out into space, and it's over. And these dudes somehow made it. With a V8 engine.

They just got to the moon. I don't think it was a V8 engine. I think it was an EcoBoost. And then now today, how is it that it still takes us this long to do the same thing that they did 50 years ago?