Hannah Murray

I had this kind of quite glamorous, like probably slightly too much partying kind of lifestyle, but I loved it.

But a lot of the time I was really miserable and I didn't feel like I had a right to be miserable ever.

And I thought if I was unhappy, there was this constant sort of in a monologue of like, you're so privileged.

What do you have to be sad about?

Why can't you just be happy?

That made the sadness only more extreme because I was then sort of beating myself up for it.

And I just think I sort of thought that...

Happiness was something I had to figure out and achieve and arrive at.

And then I would be permanently happy.

And it was my fault that I couldn't find the kind of perfect recipe for that in my life.

And so it was always like, well, I need to exercise more or I need to get up earlier and do more of a morning routine or I need to eat better or I need to quit smoking or I need to.

It was always like there was some solution there.

that I thought would give me this state of constant perfect happiness, which really no one is ever going to be in all the time.

But I thought it was my kind of duty to achieve that.

And I thought it was fully my responsibility.

Yeah.

And then spirituality and meditation was something I kind of

hadn't tried yet and so started exploring that as maybe that's the thing that's missing.

And then started to go down a bit of a rabbit hole that then quickly fell all the way down into a quite extreme obsession with that sort of world.

I think it was a huge factor.