Hannah Murray

I mean, the reason why I've written about that in the book is because it felt to me when I look back on my 20s, like that was hugely informing my understanding of my place in the world, I suppose.

And it was something I wrestled with a bit about, including in the book, because I felt like maybe this is

My mother's story, but it also impacted me and my understanding of myself from quite early childhood.

And I had this feeling...

From quite a young age, I think, I had a kind of existential wrestling with what that meant, that there were five pregnancies before me.

And so potentially, I sort of interpreted that as five people who could have lived lives, and I was the one that got born.

And so I felt this... I think I describe it in the book as survivor's guilt,

that I had to then sort of like atone for and that I had to live six lives worth of experience and I guess six lives worth of happiness too, that it wasn't just enough to be alive.

I had to be wonderfully, gloriously alive all the time and be making the most of every day.

And I did feel like I had to include it in the book as part of why I went down the path that I went down.

Absolutely incredible.

There were moments, so many moments, and they could be when I was working and my life was kind of obviously fabulous and incredible and creatively fulfilling to be on set with these incredible actors and having these kind of strange, glamorous experiences.

But there were also... I could just be walking down the street and it would be raining and I'd be listening to music and I'd suddenly feel like...

being alive is the best thing in the world and I'm having the most, like the best possible version.

You know, when you're walking down the street, you feel like you're in a movie.

Yes.

That sort of feeling.

And what was so frustrating was that I didn't know, I couldn't control when that feeling came and went, which now I can understand all of this as undiagnosed bipolar.

But I didn't have that diagnosis.

I didn't have that information about the way my emotional and mental landscape was operating.