Hannah Pittard

We were brought closer by the fact that my stepfather, who had adopted me, was sick my entire second year.

We were brought closer by the fact that my stepfather, who had adopted me, was sick my entire second year.

She understood grief and she understood loss. And when I would become quiet or start crying at a bar, she was not judgmental. She knew how to act around me.

She understood grief and she understood loss. And when I would become quiet or start crying at a bar, she was not judgmental. She knew how to act around me.

And so I ultimately ended up isolating myself from them and sort of glommed on to Trish and the Charlottesville music scene.

And so I ultimately ended up isolating myself from them and sort of glommed on to Trish and the Charlottesville music scene.

Trish and George, they loved the band. They loved this guy. Trish said one night, you gotta meet him. He's so great. He's so cute. He had a girlfriend, so I didn't think of him as a love interest, but I did meet him, and I was like, ah, he is cute.

Trish and George, they loved the band. They loved this guy. Trish said one night, you gotta meet him. He's so great. He's so cute. He had a girlfriend, so I didn't think of him as a love interest, but I did meet him, and I was like, ah, he is cute.

Trish knew that I played a lot of Scrabble with my family, and she knew that Patrick played Scrabble. And I never would have made the first move to be in touch with Patrick because I didn't really know how to have male friends at that point in my life.

Trish knew that I played a lot of Scrabble with my family, and she knew that Patrick played Scrabble. And I never would have made the first move to be in touch with Patrick because I didn't really know how to have male friends at that point in my life.

I got a phone call one day from Patrick saying, Trish says you play Scrabble. I said, yeah, I play Scrabble. And he said, OK, well, I'm on the downtown mall. Why don't you bring your Scrabble board and let's play? And I said, I thought you have a girlfriend. And he's like, this isn't a date. I do have a girlfriend. I want to play Scrabble. And I thought, oh, okay, weird, bizarre.

I got a phone call one day from Patrick saying, Trish says you play Scrabble. I said, yeah, I play Scrabble. And he said, OK, well, I'm on the downtown mall. Why don't you bring your Scrabble board and let's play? And I said, I thought you have a girlfriend. And he's like, this isn't a date. I do have a girlfriend. I want to play Scrabble. And I thought, oh, okay, weird, bizarre.

I'm not doing anything. So I went, we played Scrabble at a coffee shop and we just started playing Scrabble all the time. And he became my first male friend.

I'm not doing anything. So I went, we played Scrabble at a coffee shop and we just started playing Scrabble all the time. And he became my first male friend.

He's a really smart guy and he was an excellent critic and his brain was razor sharp. So we had great conversations and he was so much fun.

He's a really smart guy and he was an excellent critic and his brain was razor sharp. So we had great conversations and he was so much fun.

He just started dating a lot of women. And I thought, this is so wonderful. I've got a male friend who I get the male perspective from. He gets the female perspective from me.

He just started dating a lot of women. And I thought, this is so wonderful. I've got a male friend who I get the male perspective from. He gets the female perspective from me.

His recovery corresponded with the beginning of the grieving process because my stepfather died and we started spending just a ton of time together.

His recovery corresponded with the beginning of the grieving process because my stepfather died and we started spending just a ton of time together.

I took Patrick out to my mom's farmhouse one day and the three of us played Scrabble and it was like the first time I saw my mom laugh and the two of them loved each other. They got along so well. And it got to the point where my mom would call Patrick when she'd come into town and say, I'm going to the grocery store. And Patrick would go to the grocery store with her. He would take her to bars.

I took Patrick out to my mom's farmhouse one day and the three of us played Scrabble and it was like the first time I saw my mom laugh and the two of them loved each other. They got along so well. And it got to the point where my mom would call Patrick when she'd come into town and say, I'm going to the grocery store. And Patrick would go to the grocery store with her. He would take her to bars.

I mean, he was helping her find small amounts of joy.

I mean, he was helping her find small amounts of joy.

The four of us had become this kind of Charlottesville unit. I would see Patrick and we'd play Scrabble, and then we'd go to a bar and meet up with Trish and George.

The four of us had become this kind of Charlottesville unit. I would see Patrick and we'd play Scrabble, and then we'd go to a bar and meet up with Trish and George.

You feel young and invincible, and this is where stories are happening. You're interacting with people, you're overhearing strange bits of dialogue.

You feel young and invincible, and this is where stories are happening. You're interacting with people, you're overhearing strange bits of dialogue.

I had so many ideas and I was still getting all of my writing done. And because I was in my 20s and made of elastic, I'd wake up the next morning at 7 and just start writing.

I had so many ideas and I was still getting all of my writing done. And because I was in my 20s and made of elastic, I'd wake up the next morning at 7 and just start writing.

It felt like this fantasy that I had was within my reach as long as I keep trying. As long as I keep trying, I keep writing, there's a possibility that this could be my life.

It felt like this fantasy that I had was within my reach as long as I keep trying. As long as I keep trying, I keep writing, there's a possibility that this could be my life.

But hanging out with Trish and me, fiction writers, hanging out with George, a poet, he did start writing stories.

But hanging out with Trish and me, fiction writers, hanging out with George, a poet, he did start writing stories.

He would get wistful sometimes and say, I don't know how you're like how you are. You're just so cool and you're such a good writer and nothing seems to bother you. And of course, inside, I am nothing but roiling turmoil.

He would get wistful sometimes and say, I don't know how you're like how you are. You're just so cool and you're such a good writer and nothing seems to bother you. And of course, inside, I am nothing but roiling turmoil.

It felt good to be seen and it felt good to be perceived as attractive. And it felt good to have this attractive man perceive me as attractive. And before I knew it, I was crushing pretty hard on him.

It felt good to be seen and it felt good to be perceived as attractive. And it felt good to have this attractive man perceive me as attractive. And before I knew it, I was crushing pretty hard on him.

And then... It was one of those nights that was not uncommon for the four of us where we had shut the bars down. We went back to his house. You know, he'd kind of been doing that thing where he was touching my elbow with his elbow and making eye contact a little too long. He's making some inside joke references about things that we've been talking about during Scrabble.

And then... It was one of those nights that was not uncommon for the four of us where we had shut the bars down. We went back to his house. You know, he'd kind of been doing that thing where he was touching my elbow with his elbow and making eye contact a little too long. He's making some inside joke references about things that we've been talking about during Scrabble.

And it's just incredible tension that is mounting. Then at a certain point, probably like four in the morning, George and Trish. went back to their apartment and I was going to call a cab.

And it's just incredible tension that is mounting. Then at a certain point, probably like four in the morning, George and Trish. went back to their apartment and I was going to call a cab.

We went from being best friends to one night make out to basically living with one another. There were so many mornings when I would wake up and I would look over and I'd see that it was Patrick in bed. And I would think, I am so lucky. I get to do this for the rest of my life. I actually like the person that I'm waking up with.

We went from being best friends to one night make out to basically living with one another. There were so many mornings when I would wake up and I would look over and I'd see that it was Patrick in bed. And I would think, I am so lucky. I get to do this for the rest of my life. I actually like the person that I'm waking up with.

It was nonstop double dating with Trish and George.

It was nonstop double dating with Trish and George.

Trish and Patrick weren't just drinkers. They were late-night drinkers. And so that's what I became, too, for a little while. There were a lot of moments where I would reflect on what I was doing and how I was behaving, and I'd be pretty scared.

Trish and Patrick weren't just drinkers. They were late-night drinkers. And so that's what I became, too, for a little while. There were a lot of moments where I would reflect on what I was doing and how I was behaving, and I'd be pretty scared.

She could be pretty aggressive. She could be rude. She could piss people off in bars.

She could be pretty aggressive. She could be rude. She could piss people off in bars.

He had a bit of a temper too, so their tempers could kind of go up against one another.

He had a bit of a temper too, so their tempers could kind of go up against one another.

The four of us were out. Trish and I were at the bar. George and Patrick were sitting where we could see them, but it was pretty packed. And she was saying, I knew he'd come around. I knew he'd realize he loved you. I knew it. I just knew it.

The four of us were out. Trish and I were at the bar. George and Patrick were sitting where we could see them, but it was pretty packed. And she was saying, I knew he'd come around. I knew he'd realize he loved you. I knew it. I just knew it.

She wanted to just remind me that he hadn't crushed on me as hard as I'd crushed on him at the beginning. And she always loved to point out that she had been friends with him first.

She wanted to just remind me that he hadn't crushed on me as hard as I'd crushed on him at the beginning. And she always loved to point out that she had been friends with him first.

And this drove me a

And this drove me a

At this point, my heart has just dropped and I feel like I'm gonna vomit. The betrayal felt so intentional and possibly like it was a long time coming.

At this point, my heart has just dropped and I feel like I'm gonna vomit. The betrayal felt so intentional and possibly like it was a long time coming.

We needed a new place to live, and we were broke. I was waiting tables. He was gigging and teaching music, and we were so desperate for money. I was desperate for money. So when my mom offered this free place to live... It was not lost on me that this farmhouse came with a happy coincidence of having some emotional distance from Trish and what felt to me like her constant oversight.

We needed a new place to live, and we were broke. I was waiting tables. He was gigging and teaching music, and we were so desperate for money. I was desperate for money. So when my mom offered this free place to live... It was not lost on me that this farmhouse came with a happy coincidence of having some emotional distance from Trish and what felt to me like her constant oversight.

So we had this kind of break and I thought it was magical, just magical.

So we had this kind of break and I thought it was magical, just magical.

He started wanting to focus on writing. And some of the stories were good. And he got a lot of publications all on his own.

He started wanting to focus on writing. And some of the stories were good. And he got a lot of publications all on his own.

It felt like every time I got a story accepted, his first response would be, you should tell the editor about this story I just wrote. And every time I would email the editor and say, hey, there's this great story that I just read by a friend of mine, right? And he got a few publications that way.

It felt like every time I got a story accepted, his first response would be, you should tell the editor about this story I just wrote. And every time I would email the editor and say, hey, there's this great story that I just read by a friend of mine, right? And he got a few publications that way.

Every day I'd get up, I'd write. And at 3.30, I would drive into Charlottesville and start my shift at the steakhouse. And he'd stay home. And that's where he started drinking during the day.

Every day I'd get up, I'd write. And at 3.30, I would drive into Charlottesville and start my shift at the steakhouse. And he'd stay home. And that's where he started drinking during the day.

And she said, I saw Patrick this morning. He was wearing a robe. And I said, well, it was morning, Mom. And she said, yes. And I saw him again just now. And he's still wearing a robe. And it's 5 o'clock in the afternoon. It was a moment when I realized she could see what I could see. That troubled me.

And she said, I saw Patrick this morning. He was wearing a robe. And I said, well, it was morning, Mom. And she said, yes. And I saw him again just now. And he's still wearing a robe. And it's 5 o'clock in the afternoon. It was a moment when I realized she could see what I could see. That troubled me.

When I got that book deal, it was all of those dreams, everything I'd wanted for so long.

When I got that book deal, it was all of those dreams, everything I'd wanted for so long.

So we knew that we were going to be leaving Charlottesville. And at about the same time, George and Trish decided that they were going to move to New York.

So we knew that we were going to be leaving Charlottesville. And at about the same time, George and Trish decided that they were going to move to New York.

And suddenly it was like the four of us together again. But I think what I told myself was, we all are doing this because it's a last hurrah and we know that things are about to change. We're moving to Chicago and they're moving to New York and therefore it's a last hurrah.

And suddenly it was like the four of us together again. But I think what I told myself was, we all are doing this because it's a last hurrah and we know that things are about to change. We're moving to Chicago and they're moving to New York and therefore it's a last hurrah.

They're part of who I am. I don't know how to have a social life without them.

They're part of who I am. I don't know how to have a social life without them.

I will just deal with it. I've always dealt with the things that are uncomfortable. I can handle it. I can handle it. It'll be fine.

I will just deal with it. I've always dealt with the things that are uncomfortable. I can handle it. I can handle it. It'll be fine.

And then... We moved to Chicago and I wrote another book.

And then... We moved to Chicago and I wrote another book.

He made me feel desirable. He made me feel intelligent. And he made me feel like it was so obvious that I would be ambitious and it was so obvious that I was going to be successful.

He made me feel desirable. He made me feel intelligent. And he made me feel like it was so obvious that I would be ambitious and it was so obvious that I was going to be successful.

He really was struggling with giving up who he'd been in Charlottesville, which was a big fish in a small pond. His band was the popular band at the time when he was living in Charlottesville. So he'd gone from kind of like golden god in Charlottesville to a dude struggling to find work and writing his first novel in Chicago, living with a novelist who's got a full-time job.

He really was struggling with giving up who he'd been in Charlottesville, which was a big fish in a small pond. His band was the popular band at the time when he was living in Charlottesville. So he'd gone from kind of like golden god in Charlottesville to a dude struggling to find work and writing his first novel in Chicago, living with a novelist who's got a full-time job.

And then my agent was shopping that second book and it was getting rejected. And that's when Patrick proposed.

And then my agent was shopping that second book and it was getting rejected. And that's when Patrick proposed.

We wanted it to be small, intimate, Charlottesville-based. It was a beautiful wedding.

We wanted it to be small, intimate, Charlottesville-based. It was a beautiful wedding.

They were the origin story. That's how I met him. So they were one of three couples who were there that were not somehow related to us.

They were the origin story. That's how I met him. So they were one of three couples who were there that were not somehow related to us.

We did our own vows. We wrote them together and we put on like, it was like a scene that we did. He cried. I felt so happy. I felt so happy getting married to him.

We did our own vows. We wrote them together and we put on like, it was like a scene that we did. He cried. I felt so happy. I felt so happy getting married to him.

That third book deal, I think, really, really hurt him. I think my shadow just got bigger for him, and he started feeling smaller.

That third book deal, I think, really, really hurt him. I think my shadow just got bigger for him, and he started feeling smaller.

They always made him feel like the person he had been in his 20s in Charlottesville.

They always made him feel like the person he had been in his 20s in Charlottesville.

It felt like they were our best couple friend again.

It felt like they were our best couple friend again.

They were always there.

They were always there.

He'd gotten close a couple times, but it just didn't happen for him.

He'd gotten close a couple times, but it just didn't happen for him.

One was in France and one was at Yaddo. And there was a two-week down period between the residencies.

One was in France and one was at Yaddo. And there was a two-week down period between the residencies.

The idea was by the end of July, we would be back in Kentucky together. He would get therapy and we would figure things out.

The idea was by the end of July, we would be back in Kentucky together. He would get therapy and we would figure things out.

he decided to go to New York City and stay with our very good friend Hugh. And the idea was he would go back and forth between Hugh's place and Trisha's and George's place so that he wasn't a burden. And then he goes to Yaddo and he keeps writing.

he decided to go to New York City and stay with our very good friend Hugh. And the idea was he would go back and forth between Hugh's place and Trisha's and George's place so that he wasn't a burden. And then he goes to Yaddo and he keeps writing.

And I said something like, well, I'm not a suspicious person. And he said, maybe you should be more suspicious. And I said, that's a really interesting thing to say. And he said, you should ask me questions.

And I said something like, well, I'm not a suspicious person. And he said, maybe you should be more suspicious. And I said, that's a really interesting thing to say. And he said, you should ask me questions.

And I said, is this about Patrick? And he said, yes, Patrick. And I said, did something happen when Patrick was in New York last week without me? And he said, yes. At this point, my heart has just like dropped and I feel like I'm going to vomit. And I said, did Patrick have sex with someone? And he said, yes. Yes.

And I said, is this about Patrick? And he said, yes, Patrick. And I said, did something happen when Patrick was in New York last week without me? And he said, yes. At this point, my heart has just like dropped and I feel like I'm going to vomit. And I said, did Patrick have sex with someone? And he said, yes. Yes.

But finally... I said, did he have sex with Trish? And Hugh said, yes.

But finally... I said, did he have sex with Trish? And Hugh said, yes.

My agent sent me an email and the subject was, have you seen this? And I opened it and I read it and I read it again and I wasn't able to really make sense of what I was reading.

My agent sent me an email and the subject was, have you seen this? And I opened it and I read it and I read it again and I wasn't able to really make sense of what I was reading.

I remember writing stories from the time I was a little girl.

I remember writing stories from the time I was a little girl.

We had horses, chickens, barn kittens. It was a wonderful time.

We had horses, chickens, barn kittens. It was a wonderful time.

I was constantly getting interviewed by a different therapist. It felt to my mind like we were constantly going to see a judge. I read and I would just go into this fictional dream and block out the noise of whatever was happening in the other room.

I was constantly getting interviewed by a different therapist. It felt to my mind like we were constantly going to see a judge. I read and I would just go into this fictional dream and block out the noise of whatever was happening in the other room.

By sixth grade, I was writing poems, horrible, sad, sack poems. And as a 13, 14-year-old, I had started writing little sketches and just became pretty serious about it.

By sixth grade, I was writing poems, horrible, sad, sack poems. And as a 13, 14-year-old, I had started writing little sketches and just became pretty serious about it.

But when she got there... I was still me, naturally introverted, living in my head, writing stories.

But when she got there... I was still me, naturally introverted, living in my head, writing stories.

I was blissfully unaware of what an elite institution it was. And I was blissfully unaware of any kind of real competition. Truly, the worst part of it was what I was doing in private to myself.

I was blissfully unaware of what an elite institution it was. And I was blissfully unaware of any kind of real competition. Truly, the worst part of it was what I was doing in private to myself.

You're a kid with a secret and it's a really big secret. It is a secret where you are hurting your body in this intentional way and you're not relying on the outer world and you're not trusting anybody else because you don't want to get caught. You're just so much by yourself. Socially, I was definitely isolated and isolating.

You're a kid with a secret and it's a really big secret. It is a secret where you are hurting your body in this intentional way and you're not relying on the outer world and you're not trusting anybody else because you don't want to get caught. You're just so much by yourself. Socially, I was definitely isolated and isolating.

By the time I graduated, I'd won a couple writing awards. So I had this idea that maybe I was good or I could be good.

By the time I graduated, I'd won a couple writing awards. So I had this idea that maybe I was good or I could be good.

I was too intimidated to take a single creative writing class. I didn't want to be told that I wasn't as good as I felt like I'd been on Deerfield's campus. I thought, if I'm not saying what I want, then nobody knows to be disappointed in me or embarrassed on my behalf. Oh, you didn't get it. You wanted to be a writer and you didn't get it.

I was too intimidated to take a single creative writing class. I didn't want to be told that I wasn't as good as I felt like I'd been on Deerfield's campus. I thought, if I'm not saying what I want, then nobody knows to be disappointed in me or embarrassed on my behalf. Oh, you didn't get it. You wanted to be a writer and you didn't get it.

I think I sent them something that I might not even have reread and swiftly was rejected. And I'm so glad that I was rejected because it was a wake-up call that if you want this, you have to try.

I think I sent them something that I might not even have reread and swiftly was rejected. And I'm so glad that I was rejected because it was a wake-up call that if you want this, you have to try.

It paid off. I got into several different programs and ultimately ended up at the University of Virginia.

It paid off. I got into several different programs and ultimately ended up at the University of Virginia.

You're going to get to grad school and you're going to become the social person that you know you want to be. You're going to change your life.

You're going to get to grad school and you're going to become the social person that you know you want to be. You're going to change your life.

The program had its very first meeting. All of the second years in the program were there, and all of the new first years were there. I will always remember the first time I saw Trish. She was captivating.

The program had its very first meeting. All of the second years in the program were there, and all of the new first years were there. I will always remember the first time I saw Trish. She was captivating.

She had on a great outfit, red lipstick. I think she had on a pair of yellow ballet flats. Her hair looked amazing. She just was cool.

She had on a great outfit, red lipstick. I think she had on a pair of yellow ballet flats. Her hair looked amazing. She just was cool.

Back then, I was being plagued with situational rosacea, which I've had all my life. If you made eye contact with me, I either cried or blushed. And it's not just blushing. You know, I think sometimes people hear the word blush and they think of like these two little cherries on either side of your cheeks. It's like a rash that crawls up my neck and makes my cheeks splotchy.

Back then, I was being plagued with situational rosacea, which I've had all my life. If you made eye contact with me, I either cried or blushed. And it's not just blushing. You know, I think sometimes people hear the word blush and they think of like these two little cherries on either side of your cheeks. It's like a rash that crawls up my neck and makes my cheeks splotchy.

I'm still bright red and she came over and she put her hand on my arm and she said something like, it's really sweet how you blush when you're nervous. It makes you seem authentic. I was pretty excited that she'd noticed me. She made me feel seen and we became friends after that.

I'm still bright red and she came over and she put her hand on my arm and she said something like, it's really sweet how you blush when you're nervous. It makes you seem authentic. I was pretty excited that she'd noticed me. She made me feel seen and we became friends after that.

People from the program would call to invite me out and they'd come back to my house for house parties. And meanwhile, we're all just reading and writing and going to coffee shops. It was the fantasy that I'd imagined for myself.

People from the program would call to invite me out and they'd come back to my house for house parties. And meanwhile, we're all just reading and writing and going to coffee shops. It was the fantasy that I'd imagined for myself.

Trish seemed so comfortable in her skin. She seemed comfortable enough Being pretty, she seemed comfortable being perceived as somebody who wanted to look pretty. Meanwhile, I am all day long, nonstop thinking about my body during this time. I was so embarrassed of having anyone think that I wanted to be pretty or sexy or feminine, even though that is desperately what I wanted.

Trish seemed so comfortable in her skin. She seemed comfortable enough Being pretty, she seemed comfortable being perceived as somebody who wanted to look pretty. Meanwhile, I am all day long, nonstop thinking about my body during this time. I was so embarrassed of having anyone think that I wanted to be pretty or sexy or feminine, even though that is desperately what I wanted.

I was eliminating curves, but I was also eliminating the embarrassment of being perceived as somebody who wanted to be sexy.

I was eliminating curves, but I was also eliminating the embarrassment of being perceived as somebody who wanted to be sexy.

For the first time ever, I stopped wearing jog bras. And then I started wearing skirts with her encouragement, and I started showing off my body. I'm coming out of my shell, and she's helping me come out of my shell.

For the first time ever, I stopped wearing jog bras. And then I started wearing skirts with her encouragement, and I started showing off my body. I'm coming out of my shell, and she's helping me come out of my shell.

When Trish would call me, it was, meet me at this bar. She drank beers, she drank shots. And so I started drinking beers and I started drinking shots. And I noticed that it was a lot easier to be at bars and easier to talk to townies and strangers. And I followed her lead direction.

When Trish would call me, it was, meet me at this bar. She drank beers, she drank shots. And so I started drinking beers and I started drinking shots. And I noticed that it was a lot easier to be at bars and easier to talk to townies and strangers. And I followed her lead direction.

I felt like here at last is a friend who's cool, who I can talk to and go out with. Here's my first female adult friend. Her friendship, when I was feeling so vulnerable, was transformative.

I felt like here at last is a friend who's cool, who I can talk to and go out with. Here's my first female adult friend. Her friendship, when I was feeling so vulnerable, was transformative.

We were brought closer by the fact that my stepfather, who had adopted me, was sick my entire second year.

She understood grief and she understood loss. And when I would become quiet or start crying at a bar, she was not judgmental. She knew how to act around me.

And so I ultimately ended up isolating myself from them and sort of glommed on to Trish and the Charlottesville music scene.

Trish and George, they loved the band. They loved this guy. Trish said one night, you gotta meet him. He's so great. He's so cute. He had a girlfriend, so I didn't think of him as a love interest, but I did meet him, and I was like, ah, he is cute.

Trish knew that I played a lot of Scrabble with my family, and she knew that Patrick played Scrabble. And I never would have made the first move to be in touch with Patrick because I didn't really know how to have male friends at that point in my life.

I got a phone call one day from Patrick saying, Trish says you play Scrabble. I said, yeah, I play Scrabble. And he said, OK, well, I'm on the downtown mall. Why don't you bring your Scrabble board and let's play? And I said, I thought you have a girlfriend. And he's like, this isn't a date. I do have a girlfriend. I want to play Scrabble. And I thought, oh, okay, weird, bizarre.

I'm not doing anything. So I went, we played Scrabble at a coffee shop and we just started playing Scrabble all the time. And he became my first male friend.

He's a really smart guy and he was an excellent critic and his brain was razor sharp. So we had great conversations and he was so much fun.

He just started dating a lot of women. And I thought, this is so wonderful. I've got a male friend who I get the male perspective from. He gets the female perspective from me.

His recovery corresponded with the beginning of the grieving process because my stepfather died and we started spending just a ton of time together.

I took Patrick out to my mom's farmhouse one day and the three of us played Scrabble and it was like the first time I saw my mom laugh and the two of them loved each other. They got along so well. And it got to the point where my mom would call Patrick when she'd come into town and say, I'm going to the grocery store. And Patrick would go to the grocery store with her. He would take her to bars.

I mean, he was helping her find small amounts of joy.

The four of us had become this kind of Charlottesville unit. I would see Patrick and we'd play Scrabble, and then we'd go to a bar and meet up with Trish and George.

You feel young and invincible, and this is where stories are happening. You're interacting with people, you're overhearing strange bits of dialogue.

I had so many ideas and I was still getting all of my writing done. And because I was in my 20s and made of elastic, I'd wake up the next morning at 7 and just start writing.

It felt like this fantasy that I had was within my reach as long as I keep trying. As long as I keep trying, I keep writing, there's a possibility that this could be my life.

But hanging out with Trish and me, fiction writers, hanging out with George, a poet, he did start writing stories.

He would get wistful sometimes and say, I don't know how you're like how you are. You're just so cool and you're such a good writer and nothing seems to bother you. And of course, inside, I am nothing but roiling turmoil.

It felt good to be seen and it felt good to be perceived as attractive. And it felt good to have this attractive man perceive me as attractive. And before I knew it, I was crushing pretty hard on him.

And then... It was one of those nights that was not uncommon for the four of us where we had shut the bars down. We went back to his house. You know, he'd kind of been doing that thing where he was touching my elbow with his elbow and making eye contact a little too long. He's making some inside joke references about things that we've been talking about during Scrabble.

And it's just incredible tension that is mounting. Then at a certain point, probably like four in the morning, George and Trish. went back to their apartment and I was going to call a cab.

We went from being best friends to one night make out to basically living with one another. There were so many mornings when I would wake up and I would look over and I'd see that it was Patrick in bed. And I would think, I am so lucky. I get to do this for the rest of my life. I actually like the person that I'm waking up with.

It was nonstop double dating with Trish and George.

Trish and Patrick weren't just drinkers. They were late-night drinkers. And so that's what I became, too, for a little while. There were a lot of moments where I would reflect on what I was doing and how I was behaving, and I'd be pretty scared.

She could be pretty aggressive. She could be rude. She could piss people off in bars.

He had a bit of a temper too, so their tempers could kind of go up against one another.

The four of us were out. Trish and I were at the bar. George and Patrick were sitting where we could see them, but it was pretty packed. And she was saying, I knew he'd come around. I knew he'd realize he loved you. I knew it. I just knew it.

She wanted to just remind me that he hadn't crushed on me as hard as I'd crushed on him at the beginning. And she always loved to point out that she had been friends with him first.

And this drove me a

At this point, my heart has just dropped and I feel like I'm gonna vomit. The betrayal felt so intentional and possibly like it was a long time coming.

We needed a new place to live, and we were broke. I was waiting tables. He was gigging and teaching music, and we were so desperate for money. I was desperate for money. So when my mom offered this free place to live... It was not lost on me that this farmhouse came with a happy coincidence of having some emotional distance from Trish and what felt to me like her constant oversight.

So we had this kind of break and I thought it was magical, just magical.

He started wanting to focus on writing. And some of the stories were good. And he got a lot of publications all on his own.

It felt like every time I got a story accepted, his first response would be, you should tell the editor about this story I just wrote. And every time I would email the editor and say, hey, there's this great story that I just read by a friend of mine, right? And he got a few publications that way.

Every day I'd get up, I'd write. And at 3.30, I would drive into Charlottesville and start my shift at the steakhouse. And he'd stay home. And that's where he started drinking during the day.

And she said, I saw Patrick this morning. He was wearing a robe. And I said, well, it was morning, Mom. And she said, yes. And I saw him again just now. And he's still wearing a robe. And it's 5 o'clock in the afternoon. It was a moment when I realized she could see what I could see. That troubled me.

When I got that book deal, it was all of those dreams, everything I'd wanted for so long.

So we knew that we were going to be leaving Charlottesville. And at about the same time, George and Trish decided that they were going to move to New York.

And suddenly it was like the four of us together again. But I think what I told myself was, we all are doing this because it's a last hurrah and we know that things are about to change. We're moving to Chicago and they're moving to New York and therefore it's a last hurrah.

They're part of who I am. I don't know how to have a social life without them.

I will just deal with it. I've always dealt with the things that are uncomfortable. I can handle it. I can handle it. It'll be fine.

And then... We moved to Chicago and I wrote another book.

He made me feel desirable. He made me feel intelligent. And he made me feel like it was so obvious that I would be ambitious and it was so obvious that I was going to be successful.

He really was struggling with giving up who he'd been in Charlottesville, which was a big fish in a small pond. His band was the popular band at the time when he was living in Charlottesville. So he'd gone from kind of like golden god in Charlottesville to a dude struggling to find work and writing his first novel in Chicago, living with a novelist who's got a full-time job.

And then my agent was shopping that second book and it was getting rejected. And that's when Patrick proposed.

We wanted it to be small, intimate, Charlottesville-based. It was a beautiful wedding.

They were the origin story. That's how I met him. So they were one of three couples who were there that were not somehow related to us.

We did our own vows. We wrote them together and we put on like, it was like a scene that we did. He cried. I felt so happy. I felt so happy getting married to him.

That third book deal, I think, really, really hurt him. I think my shadow just got bigger for him, and he started feeling smaller.

They always made him feel like the person he had been in his 20s in Charlottesville.

It felt like they were our best couple friend again.

They were always there.

He'd gotten close a couple times, but it just didn't happen for him.

One was in France and one was at Yaddo. And there was a two-week down period between the residencies.

The idea was by the end of July, we would be back in Kentucky together. He would get therapy and we would figure things out.

he decided to go to New York City and stay with our very good friend Hugh. And the idea was he would go back and forth between Hugh's place and Trisha's and George's place so that he wasn't a burden. And then he goes to Yaddo and he keeps writing.

And I said something like, well, I'm not a suspicious person. And he said, maybe you should be more suspicious. And I said, that's a really interesting thing to say. And he said, you should ask me questions.

And I said, is this about Patrick? And he said, yes, Patrick. And I said, did something happen when Patrick was in New York last week without me? And he said, yes. At this point, my heart has just like dropped and I feel like I'm going to vomit. And I said, did Patrick have sex with someone? And he said, yes. Yes.

But finally... I said, did he have sex with Trish? And Hugh said, yes.

My agent sent me an email and the subject was, have you seen this? And I opened it and I read it and I read it again and I wasn't able to really make sense of what I was reading.

I remember writing stories from the time I was a little girl.

We had horses, chickens, barn kittens. It was a wonderful time.

I was constantly getting interviewed by a different therapist. It felt to my mind like we were constantly going to see a judge. I read and I would just go into this fictional dream and block out the noise of whatever was happening in the other room.

By sixth grade, I was writing poems, horrible, sad, sack poems. And as a 13, 14-year-old, I had started writing little sketches and just became pretty serious about it.

But when she got there... I was still me, naturally introverted, living in my head, writing stories.

I was blissfully unaware of what an elite institution it was. And I was blissfully unaware of any kind of real competition. Truly, the worst part of it was what I was doing in private to myself.

You're a kid with a secret and it's a really big secret. It is a secret where you are hurting your body in this intentional way and you're not relying on the outer world and you're not trusting anybody else because you don't want to get caught. You're just so much by yourself. Socially, I was definitely isolated and isolating.

By the time I graduated, I'd won a couple writing awards. So I had this idea that maybe I was good or I could be good.

I was too intimidated to take a single creative writing class. I didn't want to be told that I wasn't as good as I felt like I'd been on Deerfield's campus. I thought, if I'm not saying what I want, then nobody knows to be disappointed in me or embarrassed on my behalf. Oh, you didn't get it. You wanted to be a writer and you didn't get it.

I think I sent them something that I might not even have reread and swiftly was rejected. And I'm so glad that I was rejected because it was a wake-up call that if you want this, you have to try.

It paid off. I got into several different programs and ultimately ended up at the University of Virginia.

You're going to get to grad school and you're going to become the social person that you know you want to be. You're going to change your life.

The program had its very first meeting. All of the second years in the program were there, and all of the new first years were there. I will always remember the first time I saw Trish. She was captivating.

She had on a great outfit, red lipstick. I think she had on a pair of yellow ballet flats. Her hair looked amazing. She just was cool.

Back then, I was being plagued with situational rosacea, which I've had all my life. If you made eye contact with me, I either cried or blushed. And it's not just blushing. You know, I think sometimes people hear the word blush and they think of like these two little cherries on either side of your cheeks. It's like a rash that crawls up my neck and makes my cheeks splotchy.

I'm still bright red and she came over and she put her hand on my arm and she said something like, it's really sweet how you blush when you're nervous. It makes you seem authentic. I was pretty excited that she'd noticed me. She made me feel seen and we became friends after that.

People from the program would call to invite me out and they'd come back to my house for house parties. And meanwhile, we're all just reading and writing and going to coffee shops. It was the fantasy that I'd imagined for myself.

Trish seemed so comfortable in her skin. She seemed comfortable enough Being pretty, she seemed comfortable being perceived as somebody who wanted to look pretty. Meanwhile, I am all day long, nonstop thinking about my body during this time. I was so embarrassed of having anyone think that I wanted to be pretty or sexy or feminine, even though that is desperately what I wanted.

I was eliminating curves, but I was also eliminating the embarrassment of being perceived as somebody who wanted to be sexy.

For the first time ever, I stopped wearing jog bras. And then I started wearing skirts with her encouragement, and I started showing off my body. I'm coming out of my shell, and she's helping me come out of my shell.

When Trish would call me, it was, meet me at this bar. She drank beers, she drank shots. And so I started drinking beers and I started drinking shots. And I noticed that it was a lot easier to be at bars and easier to talk to townies and strangers. And I followed her lead direction.

I felt like here at last is a friend who's cool, who I can talk to and go out with. Here's my first female adult friend. Her friendship, when I was feeling so vulnerable, was transformative.