Ilana

And for those who haven't seen this, I'll just recap for a second. So you went to compete in China. It's a TV show watched by 400 million people. There were a trizillion things to memorize, whether it's things that went into a lock and the numbers of the lock. And like, I mean, it was just like... overwhelming.

And for those who haven't seen this, I'll just recap for a second. So you went to compete in China. It's a TV show watched by 400 million people. There were a trizillion things to memorize, whether it's things that went into a lock and the numbers of the lock. And like, I mean, it was just like... overwhelming.

And I looked a little bit at that and even just, you know, it's a different language, the amount of noises, the amount of people, like even that would create mental stress without even the memory. Like I'm not even talking because I can't even fathom that. But even without the memory, just standing there is a freaking panic attack in its making. So you're saying that

And I looked a little bit at that and even just, you know, it's a different language, the amount of noises, the amount of people, like even that would create mental stress without even the memory. Like I'm not even talking because I can't even fathom that. But even without the memory, just standing there is a freaking panic attack in its making. So you're saying that

That training is what helped you cope with that? What went through your head knowing that 400 million people are looking at you? I mean, that alone is something that nobody gets to experience, really.

That training is what helped you cope with that? What went through your head knowing that 400 million people are looking at you? I mean, that alone is something that nobody gets to experience, really.

Incredible. Even just watching it is overwhelming. I want to allude to what you just said, because I came from the Air Force. This is where I started. And this is where we start suppressing any kind of feeling. So the minute something comes up, you diminish it. And you continue to cultivate this, like push aside, push aside, push aside, right?

Incredible. Even just watching it is overwhelming. I want to allude to what you just said, because I came from the Air Force. This is where I started. And this is where we start suppressing any kind of feeling. So the minute something comes up, you diminish it. And you continue to cultivate this, like push aside, push aside, push aside, right?

And I do love, you know, I think somebody told me that feelings are like puppy, you know, they're like gonna come and get your attention. And if you actually give that attention, you know, it's actually gonna wag its tail and go away. But if you don't, like it will continue coming up and it will actually come up at three in the morning, you know, exactly when you don't need this.

And I do love, you know, I think somebody told me that feelings are like puppy, you know, they're like gonna come and get your attention. And if you actually give that attention, you know, it's actually gonna wag its tail and go away. But if you don't, like it will continue coming up and it will actually come up at three in the morning, you know, exactly when you don't need this.

It took me, again, because I was so wired to push aside, push aside, push aside, that was a very hard one. So if I didn't do well in a public speaking opportunity or something or a test or whatever, you know, if I didn't do well, our instinct is pushed aside. I'll just ignore it. I'll try to toughen up and then it will creep in at three in the morning and I will try to shove it again.

It took me, again, because I was so wired to push aside, push aside, push aside, that was a very hard one. So if I didn't do well in a public speaking opportunity or something or a test or whatever, you know, if I didn't do well, our instinct is pushed aside. I'll just ignore it. I'll try to toughen up and then it will creep in at three in the morning and I will try to shove it again.

And I think there's something about what you're saying about actually sit with it, give it some attention, feel it for a second because it will go away. Do you have a story that this is where that just became so vivid for you? Because I'm sure this is coming from a very personal deep story.

And I think there's something about what you're saying about actually sit with it, give it some attention, feel it for a second because it will go away. Do you have a story that this is where that just became so vivid for you? Because I'm sure this is coming from a very personal deep story.

Was there a specific event that caused suddenly these panic attacks? Why did they start?

Was there a specific event that caused suddenly these panic attacks? Why did they start?

What's interesting, John, is that I almost feel like to some extent there was this John who was going to all these competitions and he's a champion and he claims the awards and everybody's looking at him as this, oh my God, did you see John? And he presents USA and China and he does all these really cool things.

What's interesting, John, is that I almost feel like to some extent there was this John who was going to all these competitions and he's a champion and he claims the awards and everybody's looking at him as this, oh my God, did you see John? And he presents USA and China and he does all these really cool things.

And on the other hand, on the personal side, it sounds like there was John that was trying to figure out how to be himself and a great dad and a great, you know, like there was like somebody inside that were trying to like get all of that together. Am I hearing this correctly?

And on the other hand, on the personal side, it sounds like there was John that was trying to figure out how to be himself and a great dad and a great, you know, like there was like somebody inside that were trying to like get all of that together. Am I hearing this correctly?