Jackie Schimmel

Whatever. So I get into this house. I have my family over for like the first holiday. And every single motherfucker looks at me with that fucking hand, with that loose little grip, the little shoulder grip in the upper lip quiver and says, your mom got you this house. Your mom brought this house to you. And I'm looking at them and I'm thinking to myself, I've had to spread my legs out.

Whatever. So I get into this house. I have my family over for like the first holiday. And every single motherfucker looks at me with that fucking hand, with that loose little grip, the little shoulder grip in the upper lip quiver and says, your mom got you this house. Your mom brought this house to you. And I'm looking at them and I'm thinking to myself, I've had to spread my legs out.

metaphorically behind a microphone and hawking every product under the sun on Instagram like a shameless, ruthless prostitute for years so that I could buy this house because I bought the house. I wanted to buy the house. Me. I bought the house. Bled my bank accounts dry and you have the nerve to tell me that this bitch, my dead mother, brought me the house?

metaphorically behind a microphone and hawking every product under the sun on Instagram like a shameless, ruthless prostitute for years so that I could buy this house because I bought the house. I wanted to buy the house. Me. I bought the house. Bled my bank accounts dry and you have the nerve to tell me that this bitch, my dead mother, brought me the house?

metaphorically behind a microphone and hawking every product under the sun on Instagram like a shameless, ruthless prostitute for years so that I could buy this house because I bought the house. I wanted to buy the house. Me. I bought the house. Bled my bank accounts dry and you have the nerve to tell me that this bitch, my dead mother, brought me the house?

If that was the case, I would have fucking inherited it. I would have bought it before the pandemic when the housing market was a little more stable.

If that was the case, I would have fucking inherited it. I would have bought it before the pandemic when the housing market was a little more stable.

If that was the case, I would have fucking inherited it. I would have bought it before the pandemic when the housing market was a little more stable.

okay how dare you and i it took everything in me i was clutching my martini glass like with a white knuckling it and i just wanted to bash it over everyone's head and i even said to my dad i'm like if one more says to me that my dead mom got me this house i'm gonna lose somebody's gonna die in this house and then the property value will really plummet

okay how dare you and i it took everything in me i was clutching my martini glass like with a white knuckling it and i just wanted to bash it over everyone's head and i even said to my dad i'm like if one more says to me that my dead mom got me this house i'm gonna lose somebody's gonna die in this house and then the property value will really plummet

okay how dare you and i it took everything in me i was clutching my martini glass like with a white knuckling it and i just wanted to bash it over everyone's head and i even said to my dad i'm like if one more says to me that my dead mom got me this house i'm gonna lose somebody's gonna die in this house and then the property value will really plummet

And we'll have to borrow your flowers for the Shiva.

And we'll have to borrow your flowers for the Shiva.

And we'll have to borrow your flowers for the Shiva.

I'm not taking them. I hate them. These are real. These are real. Okay. We couldn't go low and tight. Had to go. Couldn't go low and full.

I'm not taking them. I hate them. These are real. These are real. Okay. We couldn't go low and tight. Had to go. Couldn't go low and full.

I'm not taking them. I hate them. These are real. These are real. Okay. We couldn't go low and tight. Had to go. Couldn't go low and full.

Please. Just shut the fuck up. Just be like, this sucks so bad. I'm so fucking sorry. This is terrible. Like, what do you, what can I do? Okay. That's what I was going to say.

Please. Just shut the fuck up. Just be like, this sucks so bad. I'm so fucking sorry. This is terrible. Like, what do you, what can I do? Okay. That's what I was going to say.

Please. Just shut the fuck up. Just be like, this sucks so bad. I'm so fucking sorry. This is terrible. Like, what do you, what can I do? Okay. That's what I was going to say.