James Cordova

And the botany metaphor that we use is some people are more like cactuses and some people are more like ferns.

So some people are more like desert plants and some people are more like rainforest plants.

And in this metaphor, humidity, water, rainfall is attention, time together, and all those things that are dimensions of interconnectedness.

And so for some of us who are more like ferns and this was this was what's true in the couple that you're asking about so in that relationship The wife was more of a fern and really thrived on lots of time together lots of verbal and physical affection and the husband was into a lot of independent activities really into his work and

really into independent hobbies like carpentry and cycling, that, you know, sort of exercise kinds of things.

And they would have, you know, terrible fights about her calling him selfish and him calling her clingy.

And this was the tight knot that they came into therapy with.

As we discover this in our work together, oh, what's happening here is you've got a cactus and fern pattern happening in your relationship.

You're more like a cactus, you're more like a fern.

And when you try to make the cactus happy,

the fern just drying up and dying.

And when you're trying to make the fern happy, the cactus is feeling overwhelmed and rotting.

But when you can recognize that you're just different types of plants, then you can actually collaborate on being good and loving each other skillfully.

and what i find over and over again and this couple in particular is like oh i think you guys might be like you're more like a cactus and you're more like a fern their eyes just lit up and they started laughing right because they recognized themselves in the metaphor like that is us you are like she's like slapping his shoulder you are like a cactus and he's like you are like a fern and

And there was a delight in the recognition of that pattern in their relationship.

And you could just feel the release from the conflict.

Oh, like I'm never going to win a battle to turn my fern partner into a cactus.

And I'm never going to win the battle to turn my cactus into a fern.

But I can learn how to love a cactus.

And I can learn how to love a fern.