James Cordova

We sort of inherit it.

We take it on without even knowing that we're taking it on.

And

upsides downsides but man a lot of downsides for both men and women to the degree that that you know how i've learned how to enact my maleness how i've learned to enact my femaleness you know becomes ritualized inside of the relationship

So I really understand where Susan is coming from, especially in the context of an abusive relationship, that we can find ourselves in a spot where I'm sort of being coerced to eat the blame.

And I think the difference in that spot for me is in that sort of relationship, they're

the person who's eating the blame really doesn't have any agency.

They're not using their agency.

Their agency's sort of been taken from them.

And the heart of eating the blame is really, what is the most skillful thing that I can do in this moment for the benefit of my partner, for the benefit of myself, and for the benefit of the relationship simultaneously?

And sometimes that is to recognize that we are caught in a pattern that is diminishing me and therefore diminishing you.

And to continue to perpetuate that pattern isn't really so much eating the blame as it is remaining stuck.

Beautifully said.

I think that's exactly right.

That really does, as you're saying, capture for me what the difference is between the two, because the, you know, eating the blame really is originally right.

It's a spiritual practice and it's a practice to help us manage the way that our own egos can can scuttle the space of intimacy between ourselves and our partners.

And so to the degree that we can do that, like recognizing is the thing that's keeping me from eating the blame right now, my ego

then I know I'm engaged in the practice.

And if the thing that is making me eat the blame is some unequal power dynamic in the relationship, it isn't my ego, then that's not the same thing.

James Cordova said that if something diminishes us as a person, then accepting it is too high a price to pay.