Jason McKenzie

I thought I was going crazy, actually. And my wife said, You're grieving, you freaking idiot. Like, oh God, maybe I am. But what I realized afterwards is it never occurred to me, like not even a single time that I was drinking to numb the pain for my wife's death. Because I thought I had put it behind me, whatever that even means. Like, it never crossed my mind.

I thought I was going crazy, actually. And my wife said, You're grieving, you freaking idiot. Like, oh God, maybe I am. But what I realized afterwards is it never occurred to me, like not even a single time that I was drinking to numb the pain for my wife's death. Because I thought I had put it behind me, whatever that even means. Like, it never crossed my mind.

And I was like, afterwards, I was like, oh my God. Like, I'm not a total idiot, you know? Like, God, there must be so many other people that are in this same situation, you know?

And I was like, afterwards, I was like, oh my God. Like, I'm not a total idiot, you know? Like, God, there must be so many other people that are in this same situation, you know?

And I was like, afterwards, I was like, oh my God. Like, I'm not a total idiot, you know? Like, God, there must be so many other people that are in this same situation, you know?

So what was interesting was for whatever reason, and I am super grateful about this because I don't really understand the reason, but you know, as I was drinking and like, I was absolutely hating myself for what I was doing because you're so caught up in this like web of like, you're rationalizing it to yourself to try to make it make sense, but you know, you're bullshitting yourself at the same time.

So what was interesting was for whatever reason, and I am super grateful about this because I don't really understand the reason, but you know, as I was drinking and like, I was absolutely hating myself for what I was doing because you're so caught up in this like web of like, you're rationalizing it to yourself to try to make it make sense, but you know, you're bullshitting yourself at the same time.

So what was interesting was for whatever reason, and I am super grateful about this because I don't really understand the reason, but you know, as I was drinking and like, I was absolutely hating myself for what I was doing because you're so caught up in this like web of like, you're rationalizing it to yourself to try to make it make sense, but you know, you're bullshitting yourself at the same time.

And you're like, it's just this jumble of terrible thoughts. And so all the while pretending I got it all under control, And as I was getting close to the day that I quit, like I knew I was lying to myself becoming more and more obvious. But the problem was I couldn't stop.

And you're like, it's just this jumble of terrible thoughts. And so all the while pretending I got it all under control, And as I was getting close to the day that I quit, like I knew I was lying to myself becoming more and more obvious. But the problem was I couldn't stop.

And you're like, it's just this jumble of terrible thoughts. And so all the while pretending I got it all under control, And as I was getting close to the day that I quit, like I knew I was lying to myself becoming more and more obvious. But the problem was I couldn't stop.

And I realized, so what happened was, so my wife was starting, my new wife was starting to give me, like, I would say a hard time about her. Like, you know, she's like, I'm not going to divorce you right now. Like, and I'm not close to that, but I need you to know that this is not going to be my life. I remember thinking at the time, I don't know who I'm going to choose. Cause I, I can't stop.

And I realized, so what happened was, so my wife was starting, my new wife was starting to give me, like, I would say a hard time about her. Like, you know, she's like, I'm not going to divorce you right now. Like, and I'm not close to that, but I need you to know that this is not going to be my life. I remember thinking at the time, I don't know who I'm going to choose. Cause I, I can't stop.

And I realized, so what happened was, so my wife was starting, my new wife was starting to give me, like, I would say a hard time about her. Like, you know, she's like, I'm not going to divorce you right now. Like, and I'm not close to that, but I need you to know that this is not going to be my life. I remember thinking at the time, I don't know who I'm going to choose. Cause I, I can't stop.

So like, If she decides she's going to leave me, like, I can't stop drinking. I've tried a million times, which was also a horrible feeling. And then what ended up happening, so the last kind of thing I was clinging on to was that I'm a great dad. You know, because I was super involved with my kids and, like, you know, I was, like, very present.

So like, If she decides she's going to leave me, like, I can't stop drinking. I've tried a million times, which was also a horrible feeling. And then what ended up happening, so the last kind of thing I was clinging on to was that I'm a great dad. You know, because I was super involved with my kids and, like, you know, I was, like, very present.

So like, If she decides she's going to leave me, like, I can't stop drinking. I've tried a million times, which was also a horrible feeling. And then what ended up happening, so the last kind of thing I was clinging on to was that I'm a great dad. You know, because I was super involved with my kids and, like, you know, I was, like, very present.

I was never in, like, a, you know, barfing my guts out drunk all around them. But, you know, anyways, last sort of thing. branch of rationalization that I was clinging on to at the death grip because I'm a great dad. So on the day I quit, I was supposed to take my daughter to, we're going to do a daddy-daughter date.

I was never in, like, a, you know, barfing my guts out drunk all around them. But, you know, anyways, last sort of thing. branch of rationalization that I was clinging on to at the death grip because I'm a great dad. So on the day I quit, I was supposed to take my daughter to, we're going to do a daddy-daughter date.

I was never in, like, a, you know, barfing my guts out drunk all around them. But, you know, anyways, last sort of thing. branch of rationalization that I was clinging on to at the death grip because I'm a great dad. So on the day I quit, I was supposed to take my daughter to, we're going to do a daddy-daughter date.