Jay Shetty

Now I'm saying it's all your responsibility, it's all your accountability, and it's all on you. And by the way, I'm sitting over here feeling hurt, dejected, and down. Whereas now when I say, is this what we both want? Is this the kind of relationship that we both want to have? Do we want to create a space where both of us can grow? All of a sudden it's like, yes, we're doing this together.

Now I'm saying it's all your responsibility, it's all your accountability, and it's all on you. And by the way, I'm sitting over here feeling hurt, dejected, and down. Whereas now when I say, is this what we both want? Is this the kind of relationship that we both want to have? Do we want to create a space where both of us can grow? All of a sudden it's like, yes, we're doing this together.

Yes, we're a team. Yes, we're collaborating. And I think too many people are competing for power rather than collaborating to create power together. And that competition with your partner is the worst place to be. Because now you're trying to be right, not kind. Now you're trying to win, not win together. Now when you win, it means they lose. I always say this to people.

Yes, we're a team. Yes, we're collaborating. And I think too many people are competing for power rather than collaborating to create power together. And that competition with your partner is the worst place to be. Because now you're trying to be right, not kind. Now you're trying to win, not win together. Now when you win, it means they lose. I always say this to people.

If you win an argument, that means your partner lost. You both lost. If you win and they lose, you lose. If they win and you lose, you lose. You either win together or lose together because you're together. So us and we, not you and me solves that. And I recommend people write out what they're about to text, what they're about to say to their partner.

If you win an argument, that means your partner lost. You both lost. If you win and they lose, you lose. If they win and you lose, you lose. You either win together or lose together because you're together. So us and we, not you and me solves that. And I recommend people write out what they're about to text, what they're about to say to their partner.

And if you changed every you and me to us and we, it will transform the energy of the conversation.

And if you changed every you and me to us and we, it will transform the energy of the conversation.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. There's two words you want to take out of every argument.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. There's two words you want to take out of every argument.

Always and never because no one always does something and no one never does something We always have so much more gray and so much more in between but we're so tempted to just say you never do anything for me or you always forget to do the dishes and those statements make that person feel that you've invalidated any time that they actually followed through.

Always and never because no one always does something and no one never does something We always have so much more gray and so much more in between but we're so tempted to just say you never do anything for me or you always forget to do the dishes and those statements make that person feel that you've invalidated any time that they actually followed through.

Chances are they have followed through, but we're invalidating it. Now what are we arguing about? We're arguing about the mathematical accuracy of how often I've washed the dishes versus when I haven't, which was not the conversation. Now everyone's like, all right, tell me one. Come on, tell me one. Prove me one.

Chances are they have followed through, but we're invalidating it. Now what are we arguing about? We're arguing about the mathematical accuracy of how often I've washed the dishes versus when I haven't, which was not the conversation. Now everyone's like, all right, tell me one. Come on, tell me one. Prove me one.

And then they're like, yeah, I did it last Thursday and the Thursday before and the last Friday. Now we're arguing about mathematical accuracy. And I think the point is when we're having a disagreement, we're never really arguing about the disagreement. We're arguing about affection. We're arguing about power. We're arguing about attention, love, validation. That's what we're arguing about.

And then they're like, yeah, I did it last Thursday and the Thursday before and the last Friday. Now we're arguing about mathematical accuracy. And I think the point is when we're having a disagreement, we're never really arguing about the disagreement. We're arguing about affection. We're arguing about power. We're arguing about attention, love, validation. That's what we're arguing about.

But now we think we're arguing about the dishes. We think we're arguing about the birthday. That's not what we're arguing about. And so the more we can actually focus on what we're actually talking about, which is what we were just talking about. Let's talk about the transition. We're not arguing about whether you achieved your dreams and I didn't. We're talking about how does this change now?

But now we think we're arguing about the dishes. We think we're arguing about the birthday. That's not what we're arguing about. And so the more we can actually focus on what we're actually talking about, which is what we were just talking about. Let's talk about the transition. We're not arguing about whether you achieved your dreams and I didn't. We're talking about how does this change now?

And that's what we need to win for.

And that's what we need to win for.