Joe Hudson
Appearances
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
How do you know yourself? And just the knowing of yourself is a better path to evolution than trying to constantly improve. And then there's the emotional side of things, which is we're going to hold back all of our emotions. And we get told in society that the thing to do is to manage them instead of being completely fluid and fall in love with the emotions.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so that stress is constantly from this constant held emotional experience. And then the last one is just a lack of connection, which is in part really important to the nervous system, but just part of us, very important part of being a human. And Harvard has a study that I think the longest study in America. There's an English one that's longer, but...
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And they basically track people through their lives, multiple generations now. And what they find is that human connection is the number one telltale sign for longevity, for good life, for lack of disease. And so those three things are actually the cause of our stress. And then we blame it on the thing in front of us, like too much TikTok or our phone or whatever it is.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Where I was lucky was my dad suffered alcoholism, but the alcoholism really didn't kick in until I was like 10. So my first seven, eight years were pretty good. So that was the lucky part. Not perfect. Lots of things went wrong. You know, very rigid, critical mom and everything. My dad was very loving and playful, but at the same time, not particularly emotionally available.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So, but when I hit about 10, my dad was just became more and more of a emotionally abusive alcoholic. And so by the time I'm 13 years old, Every dinner was being yelled at, at the top of their lungs, his lungs, mostly for like an hour and a half. And if I said, yeah, okay, dad, you're right. Fine. He'd be like, see, I told you you were weak. Like it was, there was a no way out situation.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And I was saying that is joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions, and she won't come into a house if her children aren't welcome. And so that joy comes from being able to feel and love all of your emotional experiences. That doesn't mean being taken by them, but it means love and feel them. And there's a ton of science behind the stress and the pain of not feeling into your emotions.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Or when I cried, they would take pictures of me to make fun of me. So yeah. So I got told crying was not okay. You needed to be self-reliant. I was told that your natural state is not a healthy state. There's something wrong with it. Your emotions aren't healthy. I internalized, oh, everything is on me. I became incredibly self-reliant.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And with that comes that deep feeling of loneliness that comes with self-reliance and the feeling of, oh, no, I'm constantly feeling abandoned. Nobody's there for me, even though people are trying to be there for me, but I can't see it. Um, which is a common CEO issue, a really common CEO issue. And so, so that I just, I learned all that stuff.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It was, and it was, I mean, 25 years of constant work to undo a lot of that stuff. Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
intimacy and connection were you know i think in my early 20s i went through i haven't talked about this before but i think i went through like 30 women in a year and a half or something like that any kind of intimacy was very scary love was scary because i associated love with guilt and pain and abuse and so the idea of falling in love was only going to be guilt and pain and abuse and
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I find that with a lot of my clients who haven't been able to get that core love relationship going, it's because it's been wired with something that they don't want to repeat. And so until that breaks apart. So that was one of the things that you could see in me, wild temper, very angry, and not angry in a way that it was like healing or moving.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It was anger, taking it out on people and being verbally abusive. So that was another big part of my world. What else would people have seen? I suffer with bouts of depression, low-level depression, because I was so hard on myself all the time that eventually I just pooped out. And then, you know, go through a couple, three weeks of that. Also, you would have seen me as high performance. I was...
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Three promotions. My first job was butchering fish in Alaska. Second was teaching Head Start. Third job was international stock lending. Three promotions in a year and a half, something like that. So you would have seen very high achiever. And there's a lot of high achievers who have that kind of... They only got love and validation when they performed, which was one of the things my parents did.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Like I had to perform. I couldn't be wrong. That kind of thing.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
That was stupid. Why did you do that? What's wrong with you? Like it was, there was a constant negative self-talk editing and monitoring my life. It was just perpetual. Constant. Yeah. It makes me sad just thinking about it. I haven't, you know, for whatever reason that, that there is a place where the, the, that negative self-talk can just stops happening.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And that occurred for me like right around 36, 37 years old. So I spent like from 25 to 35 just chasing, going into debt and chasing every single modality that I could chase to find different tools and ways out of my predicament. And seven years were mostly meditating in a room.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so leaning into the emotions has physiological benefits and has a lot of benefits. I think most importantly, is that if you're attacking yourself with judgments or negative self-talk, then your body sees that it's under attack. Cortisol gets raised. You're under stress. You're under fight or flight. And eventually that burns you out.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's always wrong. Yeah, yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
There's so many ways to do this. Yeah. I'm not going to go to the deeper ones because we would geek out on that forever. And as a hint for someone to look into it, it's the voice is projecting on itself. What it's saying is usually more about it than it is about you. So that's a cool little hack if you want to geek out. Yeah. So I'm also not saying that the voice in your head is ever wrong.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I'm just saying it's always wrong. So meaning that there's always a little bit of truth potentially to what it's saying, but the way it's saying it or how it's saying it. So it's never the whole truth. So if I take a picture of the Eiffel Tower and I was like, oh, there's a picture. Is that a true picture? Well, depends. Yeah, I could go like that. Is that a true picture?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
But they're two different pictures. So it is a particular point of view, the voice in your head, and it's not the whole truth. And therefore, it's always wrong. And so that's one way to look at it that helps disassemble it. The other one that's really, really useful is would you tell that to anybody else? You f***. You're a liar. You lied. You're a liar. Everybody, every human being has lied.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Every human being is a liar. Every human being is fucked up. So what makes you not say that to other people? What makes that say that to you? And what makes that your defining feature and not their defining feature? So that gives you a clue of, oh, if I just wouldn't say that to anybody else, what would make me say it to myself?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And does it feel like I'm holding the truth back from all those people? Do you walk around going, oh, I didn't call that guy a liar. So I must be holding back my truth. Maybe that happens to you once a year or something like that.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So the way you're talking to yourself, if you're not willing to talk to other people like that, then what makes it particularly true about you, even though everything that you're doing, hundreds of millions of other people are doing probably right now in this very moment. So that's an interesting way to look at it as well. The other thing is that
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
You're looking, you're doing, let's say you're driving a car in a way that makes you say you're a bad driver. Somebody else is driving a car in the same way and they're not calling themselves a bad driver. They're calling themselves a good driver. And then somebody else is driving the car in the same way. They call themselves a medium driver. Well, who's right?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
like what's true, what's not true. Could you, even if you could sum up all the drivers and say most drivers drive like that, it doesn't mean that way is a good way to drive in particular. So that's another one. And another great example of this is two people. And the consequence of this, I think is what's really nice to be seen is two people are on a
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
roller coaster and one of them says this is the scariest thing they feel it's scary their brain says it's scary they're petrified holding on the other ones this is fun and and one of them is literally releasing toxins into their body and one is literally healing sending healing chemicals into their body but they're both having the exact same experience so which one's right This is fun.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So that's on more of a nervous system level. So most of us, when we were kids, were told, don't get so excited, Billy. Calm down. Boys don't cry. Girls don't get angry. Whatever the stories that we had. Or don't show your fear in the ghetto because you're going to look like prey. There's a lot of reasons that we get told to shove our emotions down. And we take those as little kids as, oh, I'm bad.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
This is scary. And so that's what I mean when I say it's always wrong. It is a matter of perspective. And so what's the perspective that's going to be most helpful to you is the question.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So let's go there because that's the neatest way to do it. Yeah. So if it's your thought and it's you, then you should be able to stop your thoughts. That didn't last very long. Yeah. So if they're yours, you should stop them. You can't even stop them. You're definitely also not deciding what your next thought is going to be.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
You're not choosing it on purpose. So how is it yours? How are you responsible for these thoughts? How can they be you? And also they change. So if I'm looking at what you are essentially over time, it shouldn't change. Body changes because I know that's not me. Essentially, that's not me. My thoughts are changing. My emotions are changing. So those are essentially not me. So we say it's us.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's this thing that we can't control. We can't stop. And we don't decide on. And they constantly change, so it can't be us. But we're so identified with that thought. And I believe, neurologically speaking, the sense of self, that part, I think when that sense of self is on, my understanding was that it lights up in the same place that the part of our brain that hallucinates lights up.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So we basically kind of hallucinate a sense of self.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. And that's the core of a lot of the work is how do you see who you actually are? And what I've noticed is when people say, I want to improve myself, it's a lot slower than I want to see myself. I want to realize who I am. And what's amazing is you'll see people all the time they do this following thing. They have a big epiphany.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Let's say you and I were having an epiphany about how to use this microphone. Use it from here. And I used it from here. And I got the recording. I found out here is better. The thing that I don't do next is how do I use the microphone? How do I keep on using the microphone that way? Or if I understand a math problem, how do I not lose that?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
But people have these big epiphanies that help them realize who they are. And then almost the first thing they'll do is how do I keep that? as if the realization isn't enough. And the how to keep that, how do I do something, is like this movement that actually pushes away the learning.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
This is a natural thing occurring in me. And it's happening. I'm sad. And my mom is telling me I shouldn't, or my dad is telling me I shouldn't be sad, which means there's something wrong with me. And so they get locked down on a nervous system level. Don't feel that emotion. And there's these great experiments. I don't know if you've ever heard of the stone-faced baby experiments.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Judgment, shame, and guilt. Those are the three that'll do that. Yeah, because that's what's used to stop you as a kid. So I sit on a couch with my aunts and I fart and all my aunts laugh. Oh, that's so funny. I'm probably not going to try to stop myself from farting. I sit on a couch with my aunts and I fart and they shame me. I'm probably going to not fart in front of them again.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I'm going to stop that expression or that movement happening in my system. So shame, judgment, and guilt are built to make us not. That's their purpose is to make us not feel guilty.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Correct. Absolutely. And then in the not feeling the stress and the lack of joy.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
There's a great saying about that. And I don't know where it comes from, but it is at the beginning, other people are responsible for, For your problems in the middle, you're responsible for your problems in the end. Nobody's responsible for your problems. And it doesn't mean that you aren't taking responsibility for them, but you're not blaming yourself anymore. I feel like that's the path.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And that second path is a second part is this incredibly important moment of, okay, I'm 40, 50, 60, 70 years old. I got everything I wanted and I'm still miserable. Hmm. You know, I mean, because of my job, I get to see that a lot, right? I get to see people who have billions of dollars and they're not happy.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, both really important.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Do you know about them?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Even if the word freedom, a lot of people can use that in a lot of different ways. But freedom is literally, do you have the option right now to be the way you want to be? That's the question. Like, how do you want to be right now? I'd ask all your viewers.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And what I notice when I ask somebody that the first time is that right now you have full permission to be exactly how you want to be right now. Go ahead. How do you want to be right now? Most people don't even know that that's the sense of freedom that they have, that that's the level of freedom that they have. They actually get to be how they want to be whenever.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
But somehow or another, there's this convoluted set of thoughts and repressed emotions that prevent it.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, that's right.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, yeah. The way I would typically do it is I would ask it more than once, but I'd say, how do you want to be right now?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. It's not an answer in words. It's literally in the way you're being.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Be that way. Yeah. It's a really profound practice. If you ask yourself that question 20 times a day for a couple weeks, you'll feel a significant difference.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It goes crying. Then the baby goes stone-faced. Just shuts down the emotion. So when love is removed from us when we're trying to engage and trying to connect, we stop engaging and trying to connect in that way. So it's a survival mechanism for most of us. And almost all of us were either bribed out of our emotions, distracted out of our emotions, punished out of our emotions.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
The first one, the present, is a sense of being.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, that's the thing is oftentimes we'll immediately go from how do I want to be to what's the result I want.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And oftentimes you understand something that a lot of people don't understand, which is how do I listen actually defines your world a lot more deeply than what you say. Most people, if you listen to them deeply, they want to be around you. They'll tell you things that they don't tell anybody else. You get information in a business meeting that you wouldn't get any other way.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
But everybody's worried about, are they going to like my presentation? Are they going to think I sound smart? But I literally sat on a plane with a guy, asked a single question, and he talked to me for 90 minutes or something like that. We're getting out to go and he realized what had happened. He said, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm like, that was fantastic. I was enjoying myself the whole time.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Or you're enjoying the sensations that are moving through your body.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
What do I got to do right now?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. So before I answer that question, to back up. So when I did this experiment, so the way that I have all these experiments is that I had authority issues because I had a dad who yelled at me and was abusive. So I couldn't listen to any authority. So I would read and then I would test it. Everything, I would test everything. Oh, okay. Being present. What does that mean?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
How do I want to be right now? And I would test that. So when I tested, how do you want to be right now? I was playing pickleball. Something like pickleball. And one of the things I had said, I don't want to be in a rush. And then I'm in a rush in pickleball. And I want to be in a rush in pickleball. I want to get to the net. I want to hit the ball. So wait, what's going on?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And immediately I could see the difference between what is rush... in a pickleball court and why is it that different than rushing in traffic? Like what makes those things different? And it is literally the thought pattern of I need to be there. I have to get there. So you think about it like a Sunday drive. You're driving along on Sunday.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So that is just a very normal thing. And it's amazing because if you even just look at the science of decision-making, if I pulled the emotional center out of your brain, your IQ would stay the same, but your ability to make a decision would become dilapidated.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
You've got, well, this is my dad's generation, but Sunday drives was the thing where you just get in the car and drive around. You have no place to go, no time to get there. Very enjoyable experience. Driving commute traffic to get to work on time, far less enjoyable experience for most people. That question, how do I get there? How do I get more gentle with myself?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
All those things are the things that stop the enjoyment because it is having the time and place that you have to be there and you have to be there soon. And then the secondary thing that makes them not work is that they often assume, not always, but often assume. So that means I don't want to be this way and this way and this way and this way. So I want to be present means I can't be not present.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And then not wanting to be in an emotion is back to not being able to get to the joy because you're repressing that emotional experience. So when I was doing this practice, one of the things that I saw was, oh, I'm not present. How do I enjoy that? How do I want to be not present? Rather than, okay, now that I've, in this moment right now, how do I want to be right now leaves me in a place.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
10 minutes from now, it might be a slightly different place. A year from now, hopefully it's a completely different place. How do I not make that into a morality that I have to be a certain way? Because as soon as that happens, then I can't enjoy whatever's happening, including my sadness, including my rush, including my, all those things are going to happen. You can't stop that.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So the question is, how do you enjoy that? How do you want to be right now when you're crying?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It sounds so simple. Resistance is futile is the other way to say it, but everybody puts that into a power dynamic. Yeah, and if you can't stop resisting, then love the resistance. Yeah, that one's a nice thing if seeing it allows you to drop the resistance. There are some people like me, the first time I heard it, how do I stop resisting? Which was just more resistance.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So if that's happening to you, just let it go and find something that helps.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. As a matter of fact... One of the things that we say is that resistance is often the thing that happens right before transformation. So if we're teaching a workshop, one of the things I'll do is if you don't feel safe, that's really important to let us know. And so that we can make sure that you are doing whatever you need to do or we're doing whatever we need to do to help you feel safe.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It would take you potentially half an hour to hour to decide where to have lunch or what color pen to use because emotions are actually what drive our decision-making. And you can see it in your own life if you think to yourself, Oh, how many decisions did I make to feel like a success or to not feel like a failure or to feel loved or to not feel hated?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
If you're feeling resistance, go for it. Enjoy it because resistance is often... The thing that happens right before transformation. Watch my teenage girls doing homework and you'll see it over and over and over again.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. So self-reliance often meant that you didn't think you could depend on other people to get the thing, get your needs met. So you were taught at a pretty young age, your needs can't be met. Literally when our all this was born. My mom came in and she said, Oh, you know, you need to get the baby on your schedule. So change the diaper at the exact same time.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And then they'll poop at the time of your changing of the diaper. And I was like, Oh, I see how I didn't think my needs were going to get met. So whether they're emotional or physical or some sort of way, Oh, my needs are met. And somehow or another, I'm responsible for other people's needs.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Those two things, I need to make sure mom is happy or dad is happy or that my sisters and brothers get taken care of. That's usually the background. Not always, but 80% of the time, that's a background of the achiever. So they felt that abandonment. And so the way that it works is...
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
If you have a pattern in your life that isn't serving you anymore, like dating the same kind of person over and over again or having the same kind of boss over and over again or finding yourself abandoned over and over again. And typically what's happening is that there's an emotion there that you aren't feeling. And so your body is... like trying to get back into homeostasis.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's recreating that pattern over and over and over again until you finally get to feel the emotion and clarify it in your system. And so what I notice is when we're moving people out of decades old patterns, one of the things they're usually ashamed of it. That's what keeps it stuck. And if they feel the emotion that they've been avoiding in that pattern, then the pattern goes away.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So for me, emotional abandonment was a big deal with an alcoholic father. And everything that I did to avoid it, I invited it in. So I call that like the golden algorithm is what we call that. And so what that looks like is I'm scared you're going to emotionally abandon me. I don't want to feel that.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So move number one, I just get hard and tense, which makes you want to run away because that's how I'm trying not to feel it. Move number two is get needy. Oh, can I help you? Can I do that? Like, how can I get you to stay? Which also makes people want to go, yuck, move away. So the way in which we try to not feel the thing is the way that we invite it.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So many of our decisions are made that way that we can see. And so great decision making doesn't come from being logical. Great decision making comes from Not avoiding your emotions, loving all of your emotion experiences. So you're, oh, I can do this big thing because I'm not scared of feeling like a failure. I like the feeling of being a failure as much as I like the feeling of being a winner.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So any emotion you can notice, any emotion that you're trying to not feel, you're inviting it in the exact way you're trying not to feel it.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's so cool.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
No problem. The emotion that we're trying not to feel, we invite in the exact way that we're trying not to feel it.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. Look at the way you try to resist it.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And then notice how that invites it into your world.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. Well, let's try one with you.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Okay. And so when you notice that you might get abandoned, what's your reaction? Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So you already did it. You isolate, which is abandonment.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's just that quick. And we actually have a prompt. I think we put it on LinkedIn the other day. We have an AI prompt where you can put this in and then it asks you the questions and it shows you how you're doing it, which is pretty cool. But yeah, even if you don't do abandonment, let's say you're trying not to feel angry. This is a kind of a classic one.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I don't want to feel angry because let's say... mom abandoned me when I was angry, or somebody always got angry at me when I got angry. And so I'm not going to get angry. So what do I do? Typically, when people don't get angry, they get a little passive aggressive, they do a little guilt trippy, they do little pokes.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And then that gets people angry at them, which usually brings up the anger more in the person is another great example. But it's literally every, I mean, I've done this with thousands of people and marked it out. It's really consistent.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. And if you're married to somebody or relating to somebody who's doing that thing to not allow it, not that you change them, but you just don't buy in. You know, I mean, that's an incredibly healing thing. That's what you get to see happen in our workshops and the people who do the work, like how their marriages go is that.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
you know, my wife would literally say to me, there's nothing in me that wants you to feel abandoned right now. I can get really.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, I would get angry.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And oftentimes it's both of those feelings that are very scary for people to totally let in.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's a little different every time, but usually she just says it. She just looks at me open-hearted. There's nothing in me that wants you to feel abandoned right now. I have a woman that I've been working with for a long time. Her name is Sarah, and she's amazing. And I would come in frustrated every once in a while into the office.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And I love my frustration, and I definitely don't want it to go away because my frustration is it's never at anybody or very, very rarely at anybody. But I always know it's something that's important. And one day I walked into the office. I was like, oh, I'm frustrated. And she's like, good. I love your frustration. My whole system went, oh. Someone's going to be able to hold me in this.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so then I relaxed. I was like, this is what I'm frustrated about. She's like, great. I see how this can improve what we're doing. But yeah, oftentimes if you can meet the person, I'm not saying accept abuse or anything like that, but if you can meet the person as they are, and, and, and, and speak to the pattern underneath it. It can be incredibly healing for a relationship.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Anger is an old one. I would say the, the, the new, let me think about what the, what a recent one is. When we do retreats often, I will rush if I'm like, Oh, everybody's we got to. And her new one is, um, I see how much you care.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Which is not how I want to be deeply present with people. I don't want to be rushing. Like, okay, deep work now. You know, I want to... Great, I'll be a couple minutes late if that's what's necessary to be present with them. And she'll just say, I see how much you care. Immediately dissolves it in me.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
We investigated it together. I think it was actually a third person who came up with it. We were doing it during a facilitation and we had our co-facilitators with us. And I was like, I noticed that I rush. I don't know if you all see it. They're like, yeah, we see it. I was like, okay, so I would love an antidote to that.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so we sat around and brainstormed and somebody said that I'm like, that does it right away for me.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Because for me, the rush is I want, I don't want people to think that I'm abandoning them. Right. The way I was abandoned.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So typically the way that we talk about this and Is if you're, if you want, it's just like the emotions or just like yourself. If you're trying to drive to an outcome, it's less likely to work. I want my partner to feel more emotionally available is not going to work. What does work is like, what do you want? How does that work? How does the emotional availability work for you?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
What are you looking for? What's satisfying? What's not satisfying? It's open-ended questions full of love, full of vulnerability, your own vulnerability, impartiality, and empathy and wonder. It's like to be with them afresh in it and to chat with them about it and be in a deep state of wonder with them and then allow them to come to you with what they want.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
The thing is, even when I'm coaching people and when people see my coaching, they think it's amazing because there's a lot of transformation in a short period of time. But what shocks people even more than that is that I'm following the person. I might not look like I have because I know shortcuts now, but I'm following them. They're telling me everything I need to know.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And they usually tell me in the first minute. They're telling me what it is that they want. They're telling me how they stop it. They tell me how they're going to mess with me in the coaching session. They do it all in the first minute if I'm listening. And so almost all of it can be solved in the moment with them. Like right now, I see you're in a relationship like this with me right now.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
How's that working out for you? You know, and, and so, so it's all about that following them. It's not about getting your, you know, trying to change them, moving a mountain or changing man. I'd rather move a mountain. It's easier. So I won't, I won't even do coaching with folks who don't have a question. So, because I can't follow them if they don't want to go.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Totally. That's what it is.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's that simple to explain how it got there.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's not that simple to fix it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I think very few of us got unconditional love for who we were
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Because it puts us above them for a minute. Like if you're judging somebody, then you've made yourself better than them. And so for a short while, that feeds something. Oh, now I don't have to feel the heartbreak of the fact that they don't love me. Or I don't have to feel the heartbreak that they're allowing themselves to be a way that I don't allow myself. to be.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. Two part question. I don't know if I've met anybody who has, but I have, has, has that unconditional love. Um, but I have, I'm a weird point of fact because you wouldn't come to me potentially if you had it. So like, maybe I just haven't met those people yet. But if I look at my daughters who both got raised with a tremendous amount of, of unconditional love, um, Never, never punished.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Please, yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I don't think ever. Shamed a couple times with almost always an immediate apology. Both successful now. One's about to be a junior, so as successful as one can be at that. Good kids. Great kids. And they still wrestle with... how to love. But they also wrestle with the fact that it's really hard for them because there's not a lot of people who can be as connected or deep with them as they want.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So they also have that issue. It's harder for them to find friends. They have a lot of friends, but it's harder for them to find those close friends. But they're still learning something. And I think that that's just part of our nature. Um, but I, I don't know if the first part makes too much of a difference.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
All that really makes a difference is, are you taking your relationship to, to help you find your own freedom? Are you taking your relationship to manage the other person? And I highly recommend the first, how do I learn how to be free? And that, that's what made all the difference in our marriage. Tara and I married now 26, seven years. And, um,
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
like at the beginning of our relationship looked like my parents' relationship. So it was me yelling at her over the car with a pitchfork and her revving the engine to run me over and yelling at each other. And that was not uncommon. It was like a Eminem video. And so it was brutal. And one of the big pivot points was, oh, I can't change her. I can only change myself.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Every time I'm triggered, that's more about what's happening to me than what's happening to her because somebody else wouldn't be triggered by that. They have more freedom than I. And every time I saw, oh, I'm upset, I need to change her, whatever, somebody else has more freedom than that. And I want what that person has. Somebody else can be with her in this state with an open, loving heart.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And I want that freedom. I don't want the freedom of I am controlled by her whims. You know, I don't want freedom that I'm pulled into her trauma. I want the freedom of I can love her unconditionally in any place that she's at. And she luckily wanted that same freedom. And so that just changed everything about our marriage.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Because it became our path to freedom rather than something that needed to be managed so that we could feel safe.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so, so that's the short buzz is just feeling better than, but the thing is what I've noticed is that the more somebody judges the outside world, the more they're judging themselves, which gives me great compassion for when people judge me, you know, I'm like, Oh, easier to be me than you and not better than you. Like I w I have been just as judgmental in my life.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. And you're lucky if you're even thinking that. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good start. Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Correct. But a little bit without the self-reliance. So I'd say correct. And your relationship can be a tool for that. And you two can agree to do that together.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Well, you can't.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
You can't. Right? Yeah. It's actually through. Show me the monk with the two screaming kids in the back of the car. He's not frustrated. Yeah. Having been the guy who meditated for close to a decade, six, seven hours a day, most of the time, like that was great, but it wasn't real life and real life business failures and kids getting upset and kids with colic and wife having a bad day.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And like, that was the thing that was a far greater teacher to me than learning how to sit with myself. That was, that was easy. That was easy work. And a necessary and good work. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that it's bad. I think I just think it's balanced with humanity. It's really easy to be a quantumist when you're getting two meals a day and you're sitting quietly.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's harder to be a quantumist when, you know, your company's capitalization just dropped by 50%. Your market cap.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
The opening of the primary text of the Jane is freaking amazing. It's one of the best openings. I think I read it like 20 times when it was put in front of me. It's amazing.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. Ramana Maharishi has a really good, similar story to that. Somebody comes up and he says, should I be a householder or should I be a monk? I'm a householder. I'm wondering if I should be a monk. And Ramana goes, no, you shouldn't be a monk. And the guy's like, well, you don't even know me. How can you say that that quickly? He goes, what you should be is sitting here asking me a question.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's a little trickier, I think, than that. I think from his point of view, that made a lot of sense because he was sitting and teaching all day and didn't have a modern life in that way. He just sat. And so I think for him, that makes a lot of sense. I think...
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
One of the ways to measure, particularly development of the prefrontal cortex of the human part is the reduction of, I wouldn't say thought generally, I would say the reduction of repetitive thought, particularly repetitive critical thought.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Um, and I would just probably just say repetitive thought because oftentimes positive thoughts are a way to, you can do it is a way of saying, I don't actually believe you can do it. So you need a pep talk. So there's a little bit of a, there's a little bit of a trick in there, but Generally, those repetitive thoughts going down, I think, is a mark of progress in the prefrontal cortex.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I think not believing your thoughts is also a mark of that. But I don't think it expresses the movement of the heart or the movement of the gut. The movement of the heart is just the emotional fluidity. How easily does it all pass through you? And the movement of the gut is how much pleasure you can take.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, so this is the golden algorithm. This is the exact thing of the golden algorithm. And It's basically how we trap ourselves by trying to avoid our emotions, how we trap ourselves in emotions by trying to avoid our emotions. So that's, that was what we were talking about is like, we are in our own, we are creating our own reality that traps us.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yes.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. Let's use anxiety. So oftentimes, and there's a lot of ways that people can avoid anxiety. But I was sitting with a woman today and she's like, how do I get rid of my anxiety? And my answer is always the same, which is you don't. You love your anxiety. You go towards your anxiety. You feel everything that the anxiety has to offer. But let's take a look at it.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, so the reason that the brain is scared to give it up is, oh, if I stop judging myself, if I start criticizing myself, I'm going to end up just drinking beer on the couch and eating pizza. That's how most people think about it. And then the way to see through that is pretty easy.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So what do you do when you're anxious? Oh, I start doing my to-do list. Cool. And so if you have a day where you're just in your to-do list all day, how do you feel at the end of the day? I feel like wound up and gunny and I have a hard time getting to sleep. I'm like, so by doing your to-do list to get away from anxiety, you get more anxious by the end of the day.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Right. So that feels like shame.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's just... So I think there's... I think it's like 50 or 60,000 thoughts a day is what the Cleveland or the Mayo Clinic said that we have. And most of those are repetitious and negative. So we're having a lot of the same negative self-talk over and over and over again. And so if you're...
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Right.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I'm not reading that book. I'm not like that feels like.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Shame.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Right. Which is going to stagnate the experience.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So in, in that example. So let's say that she's worried at the end of it is, oh, I don't feel like I'm doing a great job as a CEO. So let's say she does the dishes for six hours, cleans the house, does all that stuff. At the end of those six hours where she scratched that itch or didn't feel the thing of, oh, I might not be a great CEO.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
All that leaves her with is six hours later going, I should have been like working on my business rather than doing the dishes.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And therefore, it just amplifies the emotional experience.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
You still are.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
If you had a boss doing that, if I was sitting there and I was your boss and I was like, hey, you're doing the podcast wrong. You could do the podcast. Why aren't you paying attention to Joe Moore? Why aren't you looking at blah, blah, blah, blah. If I was doing that, that would not make you effective. You'd turn around and you'd be like, boss, right?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. So, okay, let's break down, see if I can do this. If I can remember enough to do this, break down a couple of the things that we've talked about.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So the first one is a childhood experience landed a pattern of not being able to, or not wanting to feel this thing that, which made sense as a kid, you don't want to feel it would that level called abandonment, or you could call it isolation or some version of I'm not going to get the support that I need.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And from that, you learned this behavior of satisfying a whole bunch of people, being the resource guy. That's the behavior that you learned. And by being the resource guy in and of itself, it keeps you isolated. Meaning, so this is the matrix or the golden algorithm, meaning that On some level, when I work with people, what they know is they don't want you. They want your resources.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So you're still isolated. If you've set up a world where everybody wants you because of what you can deliver, then they don't want you. Right? If you have to be somebody else to get people to love you, then they don't love you. And so that's the pattern that was learned. And what happens today is that emotion arises.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And when that emotion arises, you're like, I don't want to feel that emotion, stress. What do I do about stress? I'm going to do what I typically did on some version of that, not the version that you had in your college, but your new version of it. Fuck that, I'm not doing that. Instead, I'm just going to really deeply feel that isolation. I'm going to, what is that thing?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
But we somehow think that if we do it to ourselves, it's going to get better performance. What it does is it actually makes us anxious and then where we learn slower. So it's not good for our performance. What's the high that we get out of it? It's it is a form of love. And that's the thing that I think people forget.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
What is it trying to tell me? What's the signal that it's trying to give me? How do I love that thing the way that I wasn't loved? Literally, I would say, treat that feeling of isolation the way you wanted to be treated when you were isolated. Like what is the love and attunement that you didn't get and give it to that isolation.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And when that happens and three or four times that isolation arises and you give it that attunement, then that whole pattern can drop. And then you look around and you say, oh, I do want to give or I don't want to give. I do want to provide a resource for somebody because it feeds me. What you do right now clearly feeds you. So this is a place I want to do it. And this is a gift of my upbringing.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
But this other way, I don't want to do that anymore. And so it can go away because you're not doing it as a way of running away from this emotion of being isolated.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
even more than that. Let's say you were throwing a party and I showed up and you're like, hey, Joe, glad you could come. And I was like, well, I came because I felt obligated. Would you say, cool, you should keep on being here. I'm so glad to have you. Or would you be like, well, I don't really want you here if you're doing this out of obligation.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Most people don't want you doing what you're doing if they knew it was out of obligation. As soon as you see that, then the obligation joke subsides in your life. Nobody actually wants me doing this if I feel obligated. And if they do, Do I want that relationship?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
That's right. Alex Bell.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I was lying all the time.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, I was a freshman in high school, had that super abusive childhood. So I felt like there's absolutely something wrong with me. And the only way I'd be liked is by lying. And it was compulsive and everybody knew it. But I didn't particularly know that everybody knew it.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And when he just sat me down, it was an amazing thing because he sat me down, just no judgment, no hardship, no wanting to change me. Just, hey, just wanted you to know.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So oftentimes when people start working on the critical voice in their head, instead of doing something that's super effective, they do something that's supernatural, which is stop doing that. Stop. No. Like they try to stop the voice in their head. And it doesn't work. That which we resist persists. But you can just experiment with it and tell it to stop.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. So that would be a place. So to tie it into the other part of our conversation, that would be a great place. When you see that happening, what is it that your wife could say or do for you in that moment that would immediately neutralize that experience?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
What's a phrase that she could say that would resonate or action. So some of the things for my wife, it's just being held. She's like, when you see me doing this, will you just come and hold me?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Sometimes it's just physical, but what is the, what is the thing that she could say when you're feeling you're, you notice that you're acting out of obligation. that you have some sort of tension and you're feeling that even though you might not recognize it right away, you know, you're feeling that aloneness, that isolation.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Like what's the thing that she could do that would just immediately show your mind that you're not a kid anymore. You're not isolated. And that isolated part of yourself can be fully accepted and loved.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
self-reliance some phrase of like I got you I'm right here with you or some version of you're not alone in this would probably also there might be some phrase like that to experiment with the hug I'll try this on yeah yeah I'll try it on yeah If she's game, don't force.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Every time it says something, you'll notice it won't. But if you react to it with love, then you're teaching it how to love you better. So everything that is said is, I'm doing a bad job answering your questions. Let's say my voice said that. It wants me to do better. Like there's some love. There's some care behind it. It's just really ineffective.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
What would you do?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. Yeah, it's really hard to be happy if you think that other people are in control of your happiness. And that's basically what victim is. Victim is a hard word to use in today's society because if I'm in the Ukraine war and Russia just bombed our apartment complex, there's a real victim to that.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
in South Africa, you know, the Mandela was put into a camp and told to break rocks. There's a real victimhood to that. So I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the mentality of oh, poor me, I don't have control. I'm not empowered to change something as compared to Mandela, who is like, oh, no, how I am with myself, that's always in my choice.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I get to be how I want to be in this moment, and nobody can take that away from me. I'm speaking about that kind of victim. And so if you don't feel like you have choice and the world is the way it is, there's just no way that that's going to lead to happiness.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
You know, and so that's – and typically also people who have the propensity for that behavior, they also seem to freeze a lot when their emotions come into play.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
No, just that you are more likely to freeze as your fear response. So fight, flight, and freeze. And so there's a lot of, which is holding back your emotions in that moment. There's ways other people hold back their emotions, but they're just more likely to freeze. So also creates a lot of, it creates a lot of suffering.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
A phrase you've never heard is, I am so happy because everybody else gets to determine what I do. I'm so happy because, you know, my society and my mom and dad told me how to be and I have to be that way. It's just, it's not a recipe for happiness.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so what I'll teach people is with that critical voice in your head, what are three or four or five experiments that you can run in your response? So you can't particularly control what it does, but you can control how you respond to it. So you could respond with a show tune. You could respond with no, stop that. You could respond by yelling at it.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Except for your reaction to it. Yeah. 100% their fault. Great. But give me 100 people and they're going to react differently to that thing. How are you going to react to it? That's where you have the freedom.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Um, not, not anything that we haven't said already. Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So gratitude is what, so one of the things that gratitude does is it makes it, it helps you recognize that you're not fully in charge. So, and by not being fully in charge of, There's a sense of freedom to it. So I'll give you a thing that I talk about with free will often. There's some point in the journey where it's really important to say, I have free will. I get to choose.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
This is me and I get to make the life that I want to make it, which is the victim thing that we were talking about. There's another place where That sense of self and I become such a burden that there's another thought that creates a lot of freedom, which is it's all a gift. It's not all on me. In Islam, it's surrender. In some forms of Christianity, it's surrender.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
What I notice is the things that change the negative self-talk the quickest are things like, I see how scared you are and I'm right here with you. Or, ouch. Or, I see what you're pointing to is important, but the way you're pointing to it doesn't help me.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's this, oh, there's something greater than me moving, even if it's my unconscious. If you don't believe in God, it is... It is the same thing that gives you relief when you realize that none of the thoughts are yours, that they're just moving through you as well. And so gratitude is one of the ways that we can acknowledge that. Because what we're not doing is I'm grateful for me.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's like I'm grateful for the food on the table, all the people who brought the food on the table. I'm grateful for the fact that today was a good day. You're acknowledging that there's stuff outside of your control. And there's a lot of freedom because it unwinds a lot of the obligation that we feel and a lot of the self-pressure that
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Um, you feel when you uncover that the fact that you're not a victim, that you get to choose. And so this is a lot like what I was saying is the stages of the beginning. You think it's you're to blame. And the second stage, you think the first stage, you think others are to blame. The second stage, you think you're to blame.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's like, and then the third stage is where, where it leads, which is no one's to blame.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. No connection, no happiness. Yeah, there's a great book and I can't remember the author's name who basically talks about depression as a lack of connection. I would add some things to that thesis, but yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
that Harvard thing that I was talking about, that long study, the more connection we feel that just the happier we are, the longer we live, the less health issues we have, psychologically more stable, all those things. So that deep level of connection with, I would say with self and others is incredibly, it's just, we're born for it. We're born social animals. So it's like put a dog in a cage.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's not going to be happy because it doesn't get to be itself. We, we, even if we're introverted connection is deeply important to us. And I think the best study on this is the rats and heroin addiction thing. You know about that one where in the 70s, yeah, exactly.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
70s, they gave a rat this thing and it's like all the rats got addicted because they could push a lever and get cocaine or heroin or whatever. They're like, well, there's just no way to stop it. And then they put the rat with a whole bunch of other rats. I think it was like 10% of them became addicted or something like that.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Just like a loving, compassionate boundary and response often creates a different relationship with the voice in the head in an extremely short period of time, like inside of a month.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Super helpful. Yeah. So I, so the first thing I would say is that there isn't happiness and non-happiness. There is a, uh, it's asymptotic in the fact that you can always deepen your happiness. And so it's just a scale. And, and as it turns out, I haven't found a place where I'm like, okay, I'm happy enough. You know, there's enough joy in my life.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So, so you can continue to deepen almost all of these things. And so that it just, Oh, how, like in this moment, there's, we could be 10% more connected as it turns out. And I've never met a moment that hasn't allowed for me to deepen my connection with myself or with others. Similarly, Being better than is a little on and off. It's like a yes or no thing.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
But the other ones, we all have a little victim in us. How do I let go of a little more victim? How do I allow for a little more gratitude? How do I deepen my connection? And so that's a way that I think about it is And almost all of them have like there's a sense of practice, but it's not a sense of practice. Like I have to get better at it. It's a sense of practice.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
There's this great musician that I was listening to recently is a famous jazz musician. And he said, the way you practice is like the way you brush your teeth. You're not trying to get anywhere. I practice the piano because I'm not trying to get anywhere. When I try to get somewhere, it slowed down my practice. If I do it just like, oh, this is what I do, then my practice goes a lot smoother.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so it's just like a great way to practice connection is how do I be 10% more connected right now? A great way to do gratitude is I find seven minutes of gratitude a day is incredibly useful, especially if it's with somebody where you're viscerally feeling. We have a whole way of teaching people how to do gratitude. And I think we even have a daily gathering of people doing gratitude.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So the way I look at the mind is that I see three minds. Not that there are, but because I find it useful. So we have the prefrontal cortex, which is the human intellectual mind. Then there's the emotional center, which is the mammalian mind. And there's the nervous system, more reptilian mind. And so... You're talking about the prefrontal cortex, but they all dance together.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And it's very visceral and very felt. And that changes lives dramatically because... One is that if we're solving problems, we usually solve problems from this is wrong. How do I fix it instead of this is right? How do I grow it? And gratitude really points to that which is right. And it also helps people because it redefines who we are.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
My wife and I, when we didn't have any money, started a gratitude practice of everything we did have financially. And a year later, we were out of debt, making tons of money. So there's, again, I've seen people redefine all sorts of themselves that way. Like I can't get the love relationship that I want. So gratitude, when you start showing yourself, oh, here's a way I get love.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Just when you're responding to the negative self-talk differently, just having a different response to it. That would be one response.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Here's a way I get love. Here's a way I get love. You can't think of yourself as the person who doesn't have love anymore. And so then that changes your identity. And so, yeah, there's practices of all of them and they go on forever. They just keep on opening doors is my experience.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
That's a good one.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yes.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
That will stick the judgment.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Right. Yeah. Beautiful.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And you're taking a moment to say, I've accomplished stuff. I'm supported. I am loved. I am supporting. Like you're acknowledging yourself in a different definition. And so one of the reasons that New Year's resolutions I think don't work, and there's a great statistic about how many of them don't work, is because they're coming from that place of lack. Here's what's wrong for me.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Here's what's wrong with me. Here's what I have to fix. There's this great, like the most quintessential story I've ever heard. And I just found out, I think his name is Paul Marisa Quaker, deeply depressed. Had a community, but he was deeply depressed. And his community would come and visit him to help him feel better. And everybody who came to him said, you know, you could do this.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yes.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
You should do this. Why don't you do this? He said every one of them made it worse because they were all agreeing with me that there was something wrong with me. One guy came in every Tuesday at noon and washed my feet. And he says, like, that guy saved my life because he was the only one saying, you're great just the way you are. Not, you're great, and so you'll get there.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Just like right here, right now, you're worthy of me washing your feet. And that's what you're doing in that moment, a light version of that. And so, oh, the person who feels that way is the one more likely to accomplish than the person who feels like they're not doing enough ever. Right? Like, who would you bet on? Here's a person who feels like they're worthy and connected.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It will allow you to feel, yes. A, it will allow you to feel, and B, it's letting you know that you're safe. So a lot of the time that's negative self-talk happened because when we're a kid, we think we're responsible for the world. So if mom doesn't love us or doesn't attune to us, must be something we did.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And here's the person who feels like they always are behind. Like, who are you going to bet on to achieve the goal that they've set for themselves?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Most of the ones that I've met, it's pretty rare for them to have that particular, I'm not doing enough. Like if you're 35 years old and you're running a $2 billion company, that's not particularly a story that you tell yourself. That story seems to be more for people who aren't hyper achievers. But there are people who are like achievers who run that story. And so it's just a very dirty fuel.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It can work for a while and then it leads to burnout, which is what you were talking about with the occasional depression or burnout that you said you would have. And so it's just this very dirty fuel. You have to change your filters a lot.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
They're not. That's they're not in that. I'm not doing enough mode. That's not something their self. They have other things that they talk about, but that's not it. Yeah, absolutely. You can get things done with that dirty fuel. Like you can accomplish that.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
What I notice is the people who do accomplish that at some point have a reckoning that they're not they're not doing what they wanted, that they were. So even the idea of I'm behind, behind what? Behind who? Whose race are you running exactly? Who decided that you should be here? Like that whole situation is make-believe.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's a scorecard based on some idea that we had that our parents would be happy with or some version of that. So... So typically when I see someone do that, they have the dirty fuel, they burn out more often. But the other thing that happens is at some point they wake up and they go, wait, this isn't where I want it to be.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so they redefine their life in some way and find something that's actually their purpose.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Oh, yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, brutally.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, the negative self-talk. That's like the big, and it's a little bit different for everybody, but the some version is I'm not enough. I'm not lovable. I don't belong. It's always some version of those three things in the self-talk that is keeping this whole thing under stress. And the thing that I think people don't notice about is when I'm under stress, I'm seeing the world as a threat.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so we're constantly telling ourselves, okay, if I do this, if I do this, the world will be right. I'll get it right. I'll finally like manage everything so that it works out. And what we needed as a kid and what we still need is someone saying, I got you. I'm here. I love you.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And if I treat something like a threat long enough, they start acting like a threat.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
What the fuck? I didn't do anything, man. Like relax. Like why are you treating me like this? Eventually there's going to be, you'll start acting like a threat. And so when we look at society where we are all stressed because of this negative self-talk and this restriction of emotions, we're treating the world as a threat and the world is acting like,
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. And it happens in like... geopolitically but also except right now i work uh deeply with an ai company and i'm there with a lot of the decision makers and so i get to see this entire culture and it reminds me of a birthing process an american birthing process which is okay we're pregnant we're about to have a kid first thing is let's project onto the kid they're going to be my savior.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I'm going to be so happy. Or, oh my God, all of my freedom is going to be taken away. So that's the first thing that everyone is projecting onto AI, one of these two things. or it's going to be inconsequential, but I don't, not a lot of people think that, but, and then everybody's anxious going into like, Oh, we're birthing this thing. And it's like really anxious.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's all about the birth, but you know, the kid comes out and then you have to like deal with it. You have to, and you're not thinking about that. You're thinking about the birth and, and the decision about whether we should have the kid or not have a kid is far more about how did I raise the kid? And three years from now,
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I should have had the kid is more about whether I raised the kid than I didn't raise the kid. And what I don't see people saying is like, Oh, how, how do we show up for this thing with not seeing it as a threat as, as like, how do we care for this? How do we as a society come together to honor this thing that's happening?
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And we're treating so many, many of us are treating different things like that in the world as a threat. And therefore we, We're going to raise it like a threat. We're going to react to things and people as a threat. Politically, you see this all the time. Everybody's a threat to everybody else.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Correct.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, if she does this at the party, then I'm going to be looked poorly upon, stress, threat. I treat you like a threat. Therefore, I try to control you. I try to control you. You feel controlled. You push back. We're in a fight.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. I'm right here with you. So it's a reparenting of sorts. But that'll change things a lot quicker then. How do I change? What do I do? How do I get better? Okay, I've got to stop that thing. Okay, so now how do I stop talking to myself like that? That is a very long, tedious road. I know, I took it. It's hard.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
The sadness, the fear. I can't feel the anxiety. That's a threat. And it's the exact opposite of what happens when we cry. We feel bad. Our mind tells us, oh, we cry. Don't cry. Because if we do, it'll last forever. Don't get scared because if we do, we'll be less capable. Don't get angry because if we do, we'll destroy what we love. But in reality... When you cry, you feel better.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
When you allow yourself to feel fear, you feel more capable. And if you allow yourself to be angry, not at somebody, not yelling at somebody, but allow the anger to express, you get to clarity and determination. There's no anger that isn't based in love. I got really pissed at something that I didn't care about at all. Nobody says that, right? You get angry at the things you care about.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
There's some care in your anger. And when that anger gets to express, all you're left with is the care. And so, yeah, that's the, but instead we treat it as a threat and it just spirals.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Our anger is a threat. Our judgment is a threat. Our just parts of ourselves. We're like constantly looking at ourselves and saying that part of me is bad. That part of me is good. This is what I should do. This is what I shouldn't do. all of it shame, all of it stagnates the emotional process, stops transformation and creates, creates this threat that will act like a threat eventually.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And that's, that's why it's my mission is, you know, the other way to say it is in a war with yourself, you always lose.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
make a dent in the world's war with itself.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Cool. So the best way to just get informed right away is to sign up for the newsletter. The newsletter will have a whole bunch of free information, access to experiments like the ones I was talking about today, and the free coaching that I do and the free workshops that we do. So you can just have a whole day.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
We do a whole bunch of free stuff for people so that they can find out if the work is for them because we don't want to do the work with people who aren't. Like, yeah, let's do that. Then there's the podcast. I think we're 120 something episodes now. And it's not a typical podcast where I'm interviewing somebody.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
We're just extracting information, kind of this thing where I'm talking about a topic like depression or something for an extended period of time. And then YouTube and X are other places to find me. Those are great ways. And then our courses are, you'll find out about the courses eventually, but the courses are really fun. We have a crazy completion rate.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I think on average, we have a 96% completion rate of our courses because they're just really, really fun and very active, interactive courses. There's very little talking and there's just, here's an experiment, run it with a group, see what you learn.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Well, I would say for most people, the best place to start is the connection course because it's the basics and it's about relating and it is that vulnerability, impartiality, empathy, wonder thing that I was talking about in relationship with each other, with other people, we call it view. Um, for you in particular, um, We have a course that we don't talk about. We don't put it on our website.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
It's called Groundbreakers. It's run with groups of 12 people. And there's two facilitators, two assistants for every 12 people. And the results have been awesome. We've studied the results. And we reduce negative self-talk by almost a standard deviation. We reduce neuroses by a standard deviation and we increase awe and thriving.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Those are defined terms in psychological literature by close to standard deviation. So I think that would be a good one for you.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
I can tell you a little bit about that. Yeah. Usually that's only, we only let people know that once they've done some of our other big work.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. And I would be totally pleased to, I highly recommend doing the connection course with your wife.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
So I'd be happy to.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. That one they can do together. Can't do groundbreakers together. Yeah. But I'd be, please come as my guests. You're welcome to come. It'd be a pleasure to have you.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah, it'd be fun.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Thanks for having me.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so I think one of the main reasons outside of it was really useful to be able to check ourselves for mistakes when we were hunting and gathering. But one of the main reasons is to not feel emotions. So every time that you're judging yourself or somebody else, there's an emotion underneath that you don't want to feel.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Well, here, a cool experiment would be this. So a lot of my experiments, when I do them, I do them right in the moment because that's where we learn the quickest. And when we create our courses, they're just all experiments. There's very little talking. So here's an experiment. Do whatever you have to do right now to stop feeling all of your emotions.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
Yeah. So you have to contract your muscles. And as a matter of fact, habitually, you know, you can look at somebody's body and assuming they don't, for instance, assuming they don't have scoliosis, you can see the hunch in the back is a critical parent hunch that just from the way that they hold or in Ayurvedic medicine, you know, repressed anger is a line right here in the forehead.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
There is, there's cues that your body has been holding that, in a very particular way, if there are certain emotions that you're not allowed to have. And so that, yes, that's stress. That's physiological harm, like incessant, forever stress. And you're constantly judging yourself. So you're constantly under attack. So your cortisol is up. And I think this is the thing that,
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
The way I think about this just in general, like the top line theory is most people think that they're stressed out because they have so much to do. There's not enough money. Their marriage is bad. They have this list of external things. And my experience is that there's really three main core causes of stress and all that other stuff. It adds to it, but it's not the core cause.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And so if you say to yourself in that moment, oh, if I couldn't feel this judgment, if I couldn't be judgmental, what would I have to feel at this moment? There's always an emotion underneath there that your body is trying to push against. And so the reason that the judgment makes you miserable is because you're pushing down emotional experiences.
Dhru Purohit Show
How to Rewire a Fearful, Judgmental, and Stressed-Out Mind into One Rooted in Freedom and Presence with Joe Hudson
And the first core cause is just negative self-talk. Constantly under attack. And so you see the world as a threat. You're under constant threat. And so the world starts acting like a threat. And what people do is, oh, I'm going to get better. I'm going to be better. I'm going to improve myself. And that's a much slower road. And what we suggest is how do you just become yourself?
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And I think what surprised me about it is just like, especially open AI, just the folks are just sweeties. Like they're just like such lovely humans.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. So what I would say is that Generally, we have this epidemic of stress and lack of enjoyment in our society right now. And the thing about that is that it's corrosive both on an individual and on a societal level. So individually, it means that we do not learn as well. It means that we make bad decisions. It means that we don't get the world that we want.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, the two things that, yes, I agree. That's the thought process. The two things that I think are being miscalculated there is just the idea of human needs. So when you're self-reliant, human needs in your mind exist as water, food, shelter, you know, maybe having some money. When you're not self-reliant, you realize human needs. And so there's not the need to survive.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
There's the need to thrive. And humans can't thrive without connection. People can't thrive without communication, with a sense of safety. There's a whole bunch of other needs that are there just to thrive. And so that's the first miscalculation. The second miscalculation they have is that that heartbreak can't create more happiness.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Every time you allow yourself, your heart to break, every time you allow your heart to break, it increases your capacity to love.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So my buddy, my buddy gets in this relationship, great relationship. He's like heavy drinker at the time. He's got a business. It's kind of doing okay. He's like, he's doing revegetation on Indian tribe. He's like doing this stuff. And this woman breaks up with him. And he asked me, you know, what should I do? And he has this long trip from Flagstaff to Yuma.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm like, every, I just want you to mourn, like cry, ridiculous cry on the way there and on the way back. So that's twice a week for a couple hours. And he calls me a couple of days later. He's like, man, the voices coming out of my, he's like, I'm wailing. I sound like, who knew that I could like make these sounds. Six months later, he's in shape. Six months later, his business is thriving.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Six months later, his home life is better. Everything is better about his life. And the next relationship he got into was twice as healthy because he mourned the thing. And the way he describes it is that I started mourning the relationship and then I mourned everything that got me into the relationship.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
All the things I'd learned, all the things that I thought were true that allowed me to put up with the stuff that I put up with or not speak my truth or not say the things that were important to me in that relationship. And so if we allow ourselves to feel that grief, it totally changes how we interact with the world. And another example of this is...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
My wife and I, we've been married 26 years and it's maybe seven. I don't know how many times now, but every once in a while we'll be in a fight and our process now is we'll just mourn the end of the marriage. We'll go and cry and just be like, it's not going to work and just fully mourn the marriage so that we can show up and say the things that we actually want to say that are our truth.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Because you're scared at the end of the marriage. How many things have you do not say in a relationship because you're scared of their They're going to react. They're going to abandon you. They're going to leave you. They're going to get mad at you, right? We walk on eggshells because of the emotional response of the other. If I fully grieve the end of the marriage, then I can act.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm like, I've already felt it. I'm already through it. I can be myself. It's the same way that the samurai or the Stoics or the Tibetan book of living and dying overcome fear of death. You just go through the thing and then you're like, because what we're avoiding is the emotional experience. We're not avoiding the actual thing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So a big high achiever thing that people all fear is, oh, I'm going to go homeless, right? If I don't keep on going, I'm going to go homeless. So if I said to somebody, yeah, you're going to be homeless, but you're never going to be happier. The joy that you're going to feel is going to be amazing. That level of connection, you're going to feel so good about yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Now, what the mind's going to go, that can't happen if I'm homeless. What is there to be afraid of? But what is there to be afraid of? Because we're actually scared of the emotional result of things, not the actual thing itself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It means that we're uncomfortably living. It means we die faster. All those things because we're stressed and we're not enjoying life. On a society level, if I'm stressed, I mean, the world's a threat. That's why we stress as mammals, right? So, oh my gosh, the world is a threat. And if I act like the world is a threat, then eventually I'm like, you're a threat, you're a threat, you're a threat.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's a great example of those things. So Generally, if you're walking on eggshells, it's one of two ways. Either I'm going to break the person if I say my truth, and that means you're dealing with somebody who's more passive aggressive. If you're dealing with somebody who's more aggressive, then you're worried about them getting angry at you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so you're trying to manage them. And if you're managing them, you're not in your own truth. So in your own truth, you're going to say your truth and loving open heart, and you're going to deal with the consequences of it. And if you don't, you get resentment. That's where the resentment comes from. Where does passive aggression come from? A person who's not able to be aggressive.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So if I'm doing a workshop and someone gets passive aggressive with me, I'm like, okay, just get angry. So it means that anger was bad in their childhood. And so I can't be angry. So I'm going to go nice dress. I'm not going to actually, or I'm going to be late or I'm going to not call you when I say I'm going to call you all the things that passive aggressive people do.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The thing about passive aggression is that the people who are passive aggressive often don't know they're doing it. Sometimes they do, but oftentimes they don't know they're doing it. What they feel, like the person who's self-reliant feels alone, the passive aggressive person feels like they're stuck. They feel like, I can't get out of this situation. And so the only thing I can do is. Dig away.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, dig away. Which, by the way, is what we do with ourselves. That's how the voice in the head works, the exact same way. So some part of our voice in the head that we hear and we can really go with is, you should work out more. I mean, you probably don't do that, but you should work out more. And then there's this other part that is like, yeah, maybe I won't go to the gym. I'm going to.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so we actually have the same relationship inside of us. And if that relationship inside of us changes, then the relationship externally changes. Yeah. So if you don't accept your own passive aggression internally, you won't accept it in the outside world.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Eventually you're going to be a threat to me. If I treat you like an asshole, you're going to act like an asshole eventually. If I treat you like a threat, you're going to act like a threat eventually. So you're looking at our world right now and it's a whole bunch of stressed out people treating everybody like threats and everybody's starting to act like a threat.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Right. And the worst part is that it's you're less likely to get it Because if you're worried about the reaction of asking for what you want, then you're going to ask for it in a weird way. So if I'm scared you're going to get angry at me, I'll be like, oh, yeah. So I was thinking I was kind of would love it if we could, you know, do a thing. And that's like, oh, I don't want I don't want that.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
No. You know, I want to be met with somebody who's in themselves. And so so not only is it. not being direct, it also makes it an increased likelihood that you're not going to get the thing you want, which is brutal.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. But it's such a vulnerable thing to just ask directly for what you want. People like that is a really, as a matter of fact, so yesterday I'm with a guy who I've worked with for a long time and he's showing me his dating app. And in his dating app, he has a question. Just tell me one thing that you want. That's his prompt. One thing that you want. And I was like, what percentage of women...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Answer that question. He's like, that's about 5%. I'm like, that's probably where you're going to find your woman. You can actually own what that means that she's done the work that she can actually own her want. Yeah. So yeah, it just happened the other day.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Why do people get defensive? Because they're protecting their ego. And they don't even actually know what they're protecting typically. So anything that you can get defensive about is true about you. So you could tell me I'm stupid. I can think of a way I'm stupid. You can tell me I'm a dick. I can think of a way I'm a dick. You can tell me I'm wrong. I can think of six ways I'm wrong.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
There's nothing you could say to me that isn't fucking true. So what am I defending? So I have to actually believe that there's a me to defend, to be defensive. It means I have to be in my head. I can't be in my heart. If I'm in my heart, there's nothing to defend. It could hurt. Oh God, that hurts. Like, While you're saying that, ouch, I'll say ouch to that. But there's nothing to defend.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It doesn't matter whether you're looking at politics or marriages or relationships. So to me, then the question is, how do we work on that stress and increase the enjoyment? And typically, the way people look at that is... I'm too busy. The world is too complicated. The politics are doing this. There's a big unknown future. I have my phone and it's distracting me.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Like, who am I proving it to? What exactly am I defending? Anytime I see somebody defend something, I'm like, what exactly are you defending? And that really throws people because they can't find it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Okay. So there's one thing that it rhymes with the voice in your head. If you say something to me that makes me defensive, whether it's at me or not at me, it rhymes with something that I say in my head to myself. I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Or I shouldn't eat wheat. Like you're like, you say to me, uh, yeah, I've given up gluten. And I get defensive.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It means there's something in me who's also like, yeah, my diet is kind of crap. Yeah, exactly. So it's rhyming with something in my head is one of the things that we're defensive against. And if you think about it this way, this is a key to like unlocking the way the negative self-talk works is that you do that same thing with yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Again, your voice tells you this, you should do this, and then there's a defensiveness that happens. And that keeps that whole loop cycling. Yeah. Like there's a resistance to force. And when we try to force ourselves, we resist against it. And so that just keeps the whole thing in place. And it's why, which is typically why shame is an emotion that stagnates.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Anything that you're ashamed about is something that you're going to continue doing. So if I said to you, Write down the five things that you've told yourself you should do for the last 10 years and you haven't changed or you haven't done. I guarantee you there's shame on all those things. I guarantee you that you tell yourself you should do all of those things because shame stagnates.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And it's why self-improvement doesn't work as well as self-understanding. Because if you're shaming yourself to improve, if you're on yourself to improve, that force will be resisted. And it happens between people and it happens within yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Like, what if that is the case? Not what. It is absolutely fucking true. There's nothing you could say. Say something to me that isn't true about me. Not physically, obviously. You could say, like, I'm six foot nine. Mm-hmm. But, like, there's no part of humanity that I don't encompass.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Liar? Yeah, I can think of it. Like, anything. Mm-hmm. It's absolutely true.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So the idea that to be defensive against it is, it's just, you know, it's almost like admitting when you're defensive, you're almost admitting like, yeah, I'm really ashamed about that. Which is actually a really cool thing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If you're working, if you're like, if I'm with my wife or I'm with my kid and I see them get defensive, I see what actually is happening is they're in shame and I address the shame. So in a relationship, if I see somebody getting defensive, I'll say like, oh, there's nothing in me that wants you to feel bad about this thing that I just said.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So they put it all outside of themselves. And that's actually... They contribute. Having a cell phone buzzing all the time is going to increase your stress, no doubt. But they're not the actual cause of the stress. The cause of the stress... is three things. And then this is where I get, this is where I'm really like, this is where my work comes in.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
There's nothing in me that wants you to feel like you should be ashamed or that you've done anything wrong. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
and open ai you're now the head of what at open ai no not head um i just i'm working there maybe like 25 days this year but i'm um working with the compute and research teams so basically the management of the of the folks who are creating the technology yeah it's uh it's great work the the
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The first thing is repressed emotions causes a shit ton of stress in humans. Second thing is lack of connection causes a huge amount of stress. And the third thing, which I think is most relatable for people is the negative self-talk. causes a lot of stress. So if there's a voice in your head that is constantly criticizing you, you're constantly under attack. That's constant stress.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's like a war zone in your head. And so that's where my work is. My work is in changing the voice in the head. And the thing about the voice in the head is that I think most people, the way they think about it is I want it to stop or I'm going to be in self-improvement. I'm going to improve myself. I'm going to improve. But that's just more abuse.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So I flip from self-improvement to self-understanding. Like today we were starting this thing and you're looking at the thing, you understand the videos and you're, and it's because you have understanding of all that stuff. You didn't say, I've got to learn better, better. I got to be better. I got to be, you're just like, you learned the stuff and then it happens.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
,, So oftentimes the people who are searching for enlightenment, they think once they get the enlightenment, then it'll be done. That's just the ego talking. That's just, oh, there is going to be this end point where then I'm going to be happy. That is an ego thought process so you can whip yourself and beat yourself up to get to that place.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And it is just a way to convince yourself that what you want can't be found right now. So if I said to you right now, without going into the past, without going into the future, you can't find any evidence from the past or any evidence in the future to find a problem with you. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, there's none. You can't find it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So you need an end because the other choice is to be in this moment, which is where the ego doesn't get to exist.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The same thing you're talking about, right? It is. The acorn. Wheat is wheat, even if people think it is. I'm going to geek out. Let me geek out for just a second. So today I got a text from somebody who is a Zen teacher that I know, and he was worried about AI and so found out that I'm working. You're the guy to ask? Yeah, apparently I am. Are they coming for my Zen teaching?
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But somehow when we interact with ourselves, it's, you got to be better. You got to be better. You got to be better. Instead of how do I understand myself? And then all of that changes just by the nature of understanding, right? And in emotions, what you'll hear a lot of in the sphere is emotional regulation, emotional management.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. And my response was, just like everything, this river is going to find the lowest ground, so where it's going to end up is already determined. And it's the same thought process that you just said there. Like, even the action that I take and that all the people will take towards influencing AI, like, all of that is set from that same kind of point of view. So... our job is the same.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's like show up with love, do what you're called to do, you know, draw the boundaries, say the truth that you can see. And, but the whole idea of like, I have to manage my entire world to get to the place is just, it's just a huge amount of stress. It's all self-talk.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, yeah. I think about this in a slightly different way, but there is no life without tension, right? A cell doesn't exist without tension. Your lungs don't exist without tension. A salad? Cell. No cell. A salad doesn't exist without tension.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Okay. Getting back to it, a cell doesn't exist without tension. So life doesn't exist without tension. So the idea that you're going to be at peace when there's no tension... The idea that you're going to be at peace when you've narrowed everything down so that you don't have to actually feel that tension is death. So you don't find peace by having no tension.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You find peace by enjoying the tension, welcoming the tension, looking forward to the tension.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Safety is an illusion. What the fuck is safe? Like we're sitting in like, we're in Austin, Texas and a cool thing. Like, yeah, it's pretty safe, but hurricane, earthquake, fire, they're like, safety is just something that we like to pretend exists. Yeah.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And this weird thing happens in our brain that it's like we either have, we are either controlled by our emotions or we're controlling our emotions. And neither of them lead to emotional clarity. One, repression. Like right now, if I said to you, stop feeling all of your emotions, I'm going to ask you to try to do it. Stop feeling all of your emotions.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Why? Why? So I'm not scared to say things that aren't important to me and vulnerable to me. So I could qualify that and say that quote. I could qualify that quote and say with an open heart, to say it with an open heart. And I think that would probably be more accurate. But if I'm scared to say it, it means that there's something important and it's something vulnerable.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If I say the important thing to you and I'm vulnerable with you, our connection deepens. Always the case.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If I am not willing to say that, it means I'm scared of a reaction that you're going to have for me, which means I'm prioritizing you more than I'm prioritizing my own needs. Yes, yes. I'm actually prioritizing my fear over our connection as well. And over yourself. Yeah, and over myself. That's right. And so this is how I run my business. It's how we run our marriage.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And this prevents resentment. It's amazing. If I find something that doesn't feel right, I will speak to it. I might not speak to it right now. It might take a day because I'm not going to be heartless and not pay attention to the person or have compassion or empathy for where they're at. But I'm going to say the thing that's scary to say or the thing that's bothering me.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And my expectation with the 18 or so people in our organization is that they do the same thing. We tell them that's the job. You got to say the hard thing. We actually start our meetings with, what's the scary thing you're not saying? Because that's what keeps relationships clean. That's what keeps the problems at bay. That's like stepping into it instead of trying to avoid it.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you're not trusting them.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I remember having this moment where, so I, we did this in our company and I was just like, we, we do this. We're going to, if something's upsetting anybody, we talk about it. That's how we're doing. And one day I came into, and I was the woman who I, at the time worked with most closely. And she, her name's Sarah. She's amazing.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Anybody who's worked in our, or done anything in our organization knows Sarah. She's amazing. And I walked in, I was like frustrated. I was like, oh God. And she goes, oh, I'm so excited that you're frustrated. I was like, what? She goes, every time you're frustrated, it means that you're seeing something that we're not seeing and we're going to make a big improvement. So what is it?
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Totally changed the whole... The way I hold my own frustration, it changed that. And then it also changed how I looked at the whole business because I was, oh, wow, this is really important. It's like alchemy.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
your muscles constricted, your face just got red. That is stress. That is what stress is. So self-management of your emotions is a tightening down of the system. And so instead, we think about it as emotional clarity.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, I would say I would probably start off saying something a little provocative like, wow, you're a really non-compassionate human being. So... The reason I would say that, first of all, is selfishness generally is just something we were told we were when we weren't doing what our parents wanted us to do.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So it was just basically our parents being selfish and we weren't doing what they wanted and they're like, you're selfish. That's a great take. So that's where selfishness generally comes from. The second thing is, let's say, let's bring God into it for a minute. If you believe that what's best for you
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
ultimately, ultimately what's best for you is not what's best for everybody else, then God is a sadist. God has set up a world where... You have to make a trade. You have to make a trade. And my experience... My experience is that when I am doing what's actually deeply right for me, I am doing what's deeply right for everybody.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so what that means is that if you have a tube, let's say, of emotion moving through you, and let's call that this emotion, particularly anger, and you crank it this way, it's like, nice shirt. And if you crank it this way, it's, Fuck you, you son of a bitch. But if it's actually like open, that anger is clarity. It's boundaries. It's Gandhi. It's Martin Luther King.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Right? There's no... Apologies. I thought that was off. No, no, no. Yeah, the... Deeply right for me. Yeah, deeply right for somebody else. So my experience is that the compassionate act...
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
is often hard sometimes easy sometimes in the middle but it's it's the thing that is best for both you and for me if i am not going to be true so for instance the easiest way to look at this is do you want me to come to your party if i feel obligated to come to your party no yeah exactly I'm saying I can't be selfish.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I have to go because I said I was going to go, but now I'm coming out of obligation. You don't fucking want me there if I'm obligated. And that if you really get in touch with, even in business, if you're like, oh, do I really, is the thing that's really best for me to get that extra 10% or the thing that's really best for me is having a really strong relationship.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And having something that's equitable and feels good for everybody or feels equally bad for everybody, it's just going to be better. So compassion is often saying the really hard thing. It's saying, I'm not interested in this conversation. And I cannot tell you how many friendships I developed because of that exact thing. I remember I was sitting there getting pitched by a guy once.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And he was talking at some point, I was just like, my entire body just constricted when you said that. He looked at me. He's like, what? I'm like, yeah, my whole body just constricted because you just disconnected from me and tried to sell me instead of being a human with me. And my, that relationship is like still strong to this day.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's the only way things go really well. Because if you're not being yourself, then the world you create is not for you.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's what that anger looks like. And so, but you don't get that through management. You get that through welcoming and loving the emotion. So that's the emotional side of it. And then the last side is just connection.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Like, okay, so I'm going to not be me. And now the world has created, I've created a world for not me.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Why is there resentment now? Well, that's why.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So that's what he's doing. It doesn't feel good in my system to walk away from a conversation without saying, hey... goodbye or something. Maybe he did.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, it's similar to... The interesting thing, one thing I want to say about that, the interesting thing is that it creates an open heart. If you look at the people who live that way, my experiences, my experience of living that way, is that because you're accepting yourself, it's easy to accept other people.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The more of yourself that you can accept, the more you can accept of others, the more kinds of people that you can accept. So there's also that reflection. So the people who live like that, our mind wants to say they're selfish and they're like full of hubris and arrogance and blah, blah, blah.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But when you actually meet those people, like if you've ever hung out with like a llama for like, that's how they operate. That's how they move in the world. And they're completely dedicated to compassion. Mm-hmm.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So whether it's the longest study Harvard ever did that shows that connection creates better health outcomes, more happiness, or just the fact that if you do the Occam's razor of connection when you're thinking about any problem that you have, it almost always helps you solve the problem. How so? So how do I get a better podcast? Oh, how do I connect with the people better?
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
What's the... Fear. Okay. Yeah. So anytime there's that binary, then there's a fear. In this particular case, it's a fear that was probably built at a very young age that was... mom's going to be happy with me. I have to abandon myself or dad's going to be happy with me and I have to abandon myself or I don't abandon myself and I'm going to get punished.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And that's, I think where that typically comes from.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. So it's really about, so this is where the emotions come in. So if you can imagine the emotion that you're going to have to feel when you say the thing and you're going to get rejected and you can live that experience and you can welcome that emotion, then there's nothing to be scared of. Right. Yep. They're going to get mad at me. okay, I felt that I know what that's like.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm going to be there with them. I can, if, if the interesting thing is you could get really mad at me and if I can stay in an open heart, it's fucking not a problem at all. My job is to have people get mad at me. Like when we do our... Yeah, I'm going away with you at the end of this year. Maybe I'll be getting mad at you at some point. I guarantee.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And I mean, if you look at my handle on Twitter, it's fuck you, Joe Hudson. It's F-U Joe Hudson. Oh, right. I didn't know what that stood for. It's because people, when I work with them, often are like, fuck you. Like that's the job. But if I'm sitting there with a big open heart, like it's my response typically is I love you too. Yeah. Because that anger is a vulnerability. That anger is a shit.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
They care. You don't get angry at shit you don't care about. So it's like, but if I get defensive, it's fucking hell on earth. If I get scared, it's hell on earth.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And all these relationships that people get into, it's amazing because there's all so scared of either breaking the other person or their anger.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Those are two different things. So one is if you close your, I don't know if you want to do this, but for the audience, if you close your eyes and you feel unconditional love for a minute, And then switch and then feel full empowerment. Like you're Superman and there's no kryptonite. You don't have to worry about the future. Like you've got it.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
How do I have a better relationship with my wife? Oh, I'm going to connect better. Because connection is what humans actually want. So any problem that you have that's human-based, which is most of the problems that we have. So it even can help you. Let's say you're a hedge fund manager. You're programming the next AI program.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If you feel weak, if you've not weak, isn't the right word, but there's lots of ways of feeling weak that are great. But the, if you feel like you don't have, you're not empowered in the world, then you're not empowered to love fully.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Oh, you're totally responsible for your own... Your capacity to receive love and your capacity to give love often are pretty much very highly correlated and absolutely your responsibility. However, when you do that, what you notice is that all of a sudden you're surrounded by a lot of very loving people.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You can't trust somebody who doesn't have conflict with you. That's the whole thing. When you watch CEOs who are conflict avoidant, their companies become untrustworthy. Nobody trusts each other in their companies. Trust is built. It's obfuscation all the way down. Yeah, because trust is built. You and I have conflict and we get through it and we're better on the other side. It's why...
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
People who have been in war together have lifelong, forever friendships because they have a deep trust that we will get through the shit together. You had my back, I had yours. Yeah. And same with a marriage or same with a relationship.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If every conflict you have turns into some self-recognition, turns into some recognition of how you want to be different or some realization of yourself, then that relationship is solid. Yeah.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If every conflict doesn't get brought out, you don't know what's going to happen, or it just turns into this yelling match that you throw underneath the rug, then that relationship will absolutely fall apart at some point.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's, I mean, that you're describing like half the business meetings of my life, not business meetings, but like, no, I'm meaning like every, when you're a venture capitalist every evening, when you're like,
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The cool thing is that when I think about generally like the creation of technology or the creation of art or the creation of this podcast, it's a reflection of the consciousness of the people who are creating it. And so to be able to be in there and work about with consciousness and how the culture's consciousness is and how the people interact with each other and how they view themselves.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
networking everybody drinks together like it is a thing that you do and and it totally makes sense because it builds trust yes and one of the other things it does you know reliably if you drink a lot you're going to suffer the next day so there is a
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
you know, and I know that if you're playing sports or if you're programming, your level of self-connection is going to influence how well you perform. We call it flow, but it's really just connection. So if you look at connection, it's just very productive, but it also is what we are drawn to as humans. Like when my daughter was like, not only like, I think she was like 18 months old.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I love that thought process.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And we're going to share an experience that we're neither of us are going to be entirely proud of explaining to other people.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So we have, you have this thing on each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
When I'm asked by people about, is this the right person for me? My answer is almost always the same, which is two things. One, are they working on themselves? And do they see the relationship as a way to work on themselves? Two is when you have conflict, how's the repair? And if you have those two things, it'll work out. It might not be pretty.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It might be hardcore for a while, but it will work out.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Well, we can do rupture well, but we can't do repair well. Yeah, and then it just turns to resentment, and then resentment to disdain, and then it's over.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
There's a couple of things that typically in a relationship, one of the main ways resentment happens is that traditional say someone has the male role, the female role, the male role often is like, my job is to try to make this person happy. That's going to create resentment. Just that action right there.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
My job is to make this person happy because what you're saying is you can't make yourself happy. You need me. Fuck you. I don't need you. That's the underlying thing that's happening. Yeah. So you'll see, oh, the man is like, and it happens both ways, don't get me wrong, but the man is like, oh, I need to, I need to, like, I've done everything I can to make her happy and she's still not happy.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It makes me misty thinking about this. Like, If I came in all amped, my nervous system was all amped, she would like sit on my lap and she'd grab my face and she'd be like, I love you, daddy. She's like, I need to feel that connection with you. Yeah. Now she makes fun of me before.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I mean, how many guys have you heard that from? It's like, right, she's not happy because you're not treating her like a full-grown fucking adult who knows how to take care of herself. And that is one of the main things that resentment comes from. The other thing that resentment comes from is that I'm not speaking my truth. So I don't say the thing because I'm scared of the conflict.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Eventually I have to compromise myself. And if I'm compromising myself enough, I am going to be pissed at somebody and it's going to be you.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. And I'm going to call it, and it's going to look like resentment because I can't be just outright mad at you. It's just going to be this low level thing that happens. So if you want to cure resentment in a relationship, have the hard conversations with respect, with love.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, and there's a lot of tools on that. What are some of your favorites? Agree to some rules on fighting. That's a really good one. Go and get angry, but not with each other present. Like, hey, we're having a fight. I'm going to go fucking yell. You go fucking yell. And then we're going to come back. I like getting naked for a fight. That one really worked. Completely naked.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It totally changes the dynamic of the fight. Making sure the person feels deeply listened to is another great one of, I'm just going to repeat what you're saying and see if I've got it right. Yeah.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's really what that is. Yeah. As if that's going to work.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I do think that might be useful. Totally can. I didn't give it to you in that moment because you had already accessed it. So I wasn't going to like let that, but the, yeah. So the way we think about it is a simple acronym we call view, which is vulnerability, impartiality, empathy, and wonder. Yeah. So you can access any one of them and it'll open your heart.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So vulnerability means I'm going to say the scary thing. Impatiality means I'm not going to try to manage you or try to get you anywhere. I'm just going to be with you as humans. Empathy means I'm going to emotionally be with you, but I'm not going to be in you. So it doesn't mean I believe your story. It doesn't mean that I'm like with you in the thing.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm going to be in myself, but I'm going to... When you cry, I don't go, it's going to be okay. I'm like, oh yeah, fuck, that hurts. And then wonder, which is curiosity without trying to find an answer. It's the way we look at a sunset or the way a little kid picks up a frog. If I can just be in wonder with you, just like one of them, if I can just be, I have no idea.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I have an idea of who you are. Let's say you were my brother. I have an idea. I have this whole history, but instead I'm going to drop all that shit. And I'm just going to be like, what is actually going on? What is it that I don't know about you? Heart opens. Oh, I'm going to say the scary thing. Like, bro, I love you, but that thing you did really fucking hurt me. Boom. My heart opens.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm going to empathize with you. I'm going to be with you in your emotion. Boom, my heart opens. So all of those are the, are just, we just call it view. And that's any one of those tools will work. Multiple of the tools work really well. And why is opening your heart such a panacea? It's not particularly a panacea. I mean, it feels good. So there's that, you know, like, but it's not a panacea.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's just really effective. Like we have mirror neurons. So I hang out with you and I have an open heart. You're more likely to have an open heart. You know that person who's like open hearted and everybody gets around them and they're open hearted with them. And occasionally someone's a dick and they're still open hearted and they look like a real dick. And so it's just really effective.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Typically, it comes from somebody who was raising us. Typically. And that could be, as a matter of fact, that same daughter and I were listening to our podcast on voice in the head. And she's like, I, she was 10 years old. She's like, I know where my voice in the head comes from. She's like my teacher and my grandma. And like, she just like named the people she could hear in her head. Yeah.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's that you create a world where people are open hearted with you and you have more depth and you have more connection and people want to help you more. Yeah. All those things happen. It's just an effectiveness thing. It also feels really good. It also makes it that you treat other people with a tremendous amount of compassion, which is all good things.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Oh, yeah, that one. Yeah. Yeah. So when we do, we do this one thing about working with the voice in the head. And at one point, we'll have everybody get really, really angry at the voice in the head and dominate it. Because it's the first step of being able to love something.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If you think that something is controlling you, that you don't have choice, that you have to subjugate yourself or cut off a part of yourself because of this thing, it's really hard to love. And that's what happens inside of relationships that fall apart. It's like, I've given so much of myself, I'm so oppressed by you that I can't love you. And it's the problem in our political world too.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's like... When you appear angry at somebody politically, it means you feel like you're being oppressed. And so there's no heart opening. So there's no fucking solution. Doesn't matter which side of the aisle you're on. This is how it works. And so, I mean, it's what allows.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so if you look at someone like a Gandhi, for instance, or Mother Teresa or a Martin Luther King, they walked into the world and they're like, you don't oppress me. And it's because they could love. Gandhi could love the British people and the parliament and all that. He had a big open heart. And because he could, he could not agree. You cannot agree that you're being oppressed.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so I think there was a New York Times writer, at least this is the way I heard this story. There was a salt mine. They were controlling the continent through salt. He has 500,000 people lined up to take the salt mine. And there's like 20 guards or something, you know, some version of that. And there's four by four coming in.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The guards beat them down and they go and they could mob the place they could win. And the New York Times reporter apparently wrote something to the fact of it's not a question of when they'll be free. They are already free. they're like, I, they can be oppressed because they had an open heart. So it works both ways, but it's really hard. If you're in your mind, you think you're oppressed.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So it's basically stories that we were told when we were younger. So if mom and dad are mad at you or, And you're thinking to yourself, oh, that has to be something I did. It doesn't have to do with, you know, at eight, you're not like, it's their coffee habit or, you know, they had a bad day at work. So then you start, oh, I shouldn't do that. I have to do this.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's really hard to have an open heart towards somebody or love them. But if you can get over that, then you can love them. And then you can't be oppressed.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Um, So if you're giving a bit of yourself to somebody, it means you feel like you had no choice. That's not something that you would do unless, oh, there's a consequence. Oh, they're going to do this. Oh, I'm going to be killed. Oh, I'm going to be... And so obviously there's people who are actually oppressed, but I'm talking about it on a psychological level. And... Thank you.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you're basically trying to figure out how to exist in the world. And this voice starts developing in your head. It's an incredibly non-productive voice. It takes so much energy. I think it's the Cleveland Clinic. I could have that wrong, but they say that there's 50,000, 60,000 thoughts that a person has a day. Most of those repetitive, many of those negative.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. ,,,
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And it frees up so much energy when that stuff changes.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You're constantly under attack. You're going to be exhausted. The amount, like as I worked with the negative self-talk and as that voice just dissipated, the amount of stuff that I can do, the energy that I have in the world is just, it's just unreal. I never even thought it was possible.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you can see it like in my business, you can see people just are, how are you creating so much content so quickly? The people I work with are, It took me a while because my expectation was that everybody else should be able to work at this level. But I'm often working. I always make time for my family. I always make time for my exercise and my mental health.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But outside of that, I will often work from 7 to 11 at night, happy as a clam, without being exhausted because I'm not using dirty fuel. And that's the thing that I think people have often is... They think, oh, if I beat myself up, I'll perform. But it's really dirty fuel. It works, but it's really fucking dirty fuel. And so they get exhausted. They burn out in their career.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
How many entrepreneurs have you met who are like, okay, then I'm going to be able to sell my company and be happy? It's like, I wouldn't sell my company. My wife and I were sitting down. We were finished a seven-day retreat, like the one that you're going to come to. It is... Fucking hardcore. And we're tired. You're exhausted.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And we're sitting in this hot tub and we were talking about this transaction that we could have made for a lot of money and that we didn't make it. And I was saying, I'm really, it was years ago. I was like, I'm really grateful that that happened. And she said, yeah, me too. So I think we would still be married, but I don't think that we would have started this business.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And she goes, yeah, we wouldn't have. And then I said, but if somebody offered us a billion dollars for our business and our business is not even worth even close to a billion dollars, right? But they said that we couldn't do what we do. Would you take the money? And we both went, No. Because you want to, but we were like, no.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And I remember, weird part of the story, but I came home and told my girls that thing. And then like three days later, my youngest was like, I'm looking for my billion dollar idea. I'm like, oh, you want to be a billionaire? She's like, no, I want an idea that I wouldn't sell for a billion dollars, which is like so sweet. But you don't get that if you can't have that kind of lifestyle.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You can't have that kind of joy. unless you're like not beating yourself up over it all the fucking time. If you're beating yourself up all the time, you just want to sell it, get your exit, hang out on a beach, and then beat yourself up for not starting your second company, which there's somebody listening who knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Oh yeah. So there's, so again, uh, head, heart, gut. Um, what's happening is the head, they're constantly been beating themselves up for years. And so their, um, their nervous system level, their adrenals are shot. So there's, there did some study, if I recall correctly, where, um,
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
They took a whole bunch of CEOs, put them in a house, told them they couldn't talk about work, but they just had to hang out for three days, nothing to do. And then they had a group of psychologists come in and say, we want you to diagnose these people, but you can't ask them about work. And they came out saying diagnosis, like a house full of depressed people.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so you see these big time CEOs when they retire, they go into this like two or three year in their pajama moment and they beat themselves up for not.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
This is the only thing that you've ever known. So it's completely normalized. You're not even getting the idea of like, oh, it could be different. This is just it. And we're geared, neurologically speaking, we're geared...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Very, very, very forthright. I like that. Yeah. So oftentimes, so there's the adrenal fatigue, there's the constant self-abuse. And if they actually take a break and they stop abusing themselves, then the recovery time is much quicker. You still have the adrenal... recovery time that you have to deal with. And there's lots of supplements and things you can do to help with that.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But otherwise, and then emotionally, the problem is, is that they've been living under this fear for an extended period of time, which means that they're not actually feeling their full breadth of emotion. So if they can actually start feeling their full breadth of emotion, it helps with the recovery.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
to to be programmed in those years so you know the brain waves theta brain wave is a brain wave that basically is the programming brain wave right it's like it's that place between awake and asleep is when adults feel it typically um but kids feel it most of the time from zero to seven years old so in human development terms they're basically in that place that is spongy yeah Exactly.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, so I would say, like, if we go back to the beginning of the podcast where I said there was these three things, connection, emotional clarity, and the negative self-talk in the head. If you look at your essay, you don't want to feel this, you don't want to feel this, you don't want to feel this. So that's what's happening. The dopamine fix is the nervous system thing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And it's why they believe in fairy tales and Santa Claus and all that stuff, because they're in that world. And so it's like the place where we get programmed. And so that's why if you have certain modalities of healing, there's some that is like, I can describe everything that's wrong with me, but nothing has changed. That's because you're working in the head.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I don't want to feel this is the heart thing. And the head thing is, oh, I'll stay busy enough not to look at the actual big issue. So that's one of the things that I say. But the other thing, the thing that helped me make the transition was the understanding that enjoyment was efficiency. If I'm going to... I think maybe we talked about this last time. I can't remember. I did? Yeah, okay.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But basically, a fast car is not an efficient car. An efficient car is a car that uses less fuel. Enjoyment is how we know we're using less fuel. So if you say, what does an efficient Chris Williamson create as compared to a fast Chris Williamson? I'm going to go for efficient. Like... oh, that means that you can do this podcast.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if you're doing it in full enjoyment, probably with like a third of the energy, which means now you have two thirds energy to go build something else that's cool or a family or whatever it is that gives you purpose. And so when I recognize that, I did two things. The first thing I recognized is that enjoyment isn't what you're doing. It's how you're doing it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
To me, it's a complete honor to be able to work there with them.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
At least in part, it's how you're doing it. So right now I can say to you, how do we enjoy this moment? 10% more. Right. Well, yeah. How do I enjoy these emails? 10% more. And that changes, that makes us more efficient. And then there's also, what do I enjoy doing? But it's both.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It can't be, I will only do what I enjoy because that doesn't fucking work because we're going to not enjoy ourselves 20% of the time, no matter what we're doing to some degree, unless we learn how to enjoy whatever it is that we're doing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. So, yeah, this is when I was in L.A. and this is like when I was like meditating seven hours a day or something. And I decided I was going to only do for I think it was one or two weeks. I'm only going to do what I enjoy. And I hated fucking taking out the trash. And I was sitting there at the trash can smelling trash. I did not want to smell trash. That was not enjoyable.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I did not want to take out the trash. And I was just standing by the trash can for minutes, maybe longer. And then I was like, wow, I have to learn how to enjoy taking out the trash or learn how to enjoy the smell. And I learned how to enjoy taking out the trash.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Which was such a recognition that I wasn't going to control my environment into enjoyment. I was going to learn how to enjoy my experience and control my environment. Both of those two things are levers that I have for it. And so if you focus on that, then all that other stuff takes care of itself. All that other stuff occurs because you're focused on your own efficiency and
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If you're working more intellectually, if you're working in what that theta brainwave space, you're like, I don't really can't describe the whole thing, but shit, my world's changed. And that's why those when those modalities, oftentimes the ones that work really effectively are the ones that you can't quite explain what the fuck happened. Stuff like breathwork, perhaps. Yeah, exactly.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you'll be sitting there doing something and you'll notice, oh, it's so easy to delegate something from a place of enjoyment. From a place of rush, it's really hard to delegate something. I'm just going to get it done. It's just me. I'll be reliable. I'll get it done. I can finish it off. It's quicker to do it this way than to hand it to somebody else.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if you're enjoying, you can't be in that rush and therefore life becomes much easier to delegate as well. And then there's all this extra space to do, have those really creative, cool ideas.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I would not even use the word nice. Nice is maybe a problematic word there too. It's doing the thing that cares for. Okay. Because sometimes it's not fucking nice. Yes. You know, like the best experience of this, I was like in the seventh grade. No, no, wait, wait, what grade? I was, no, I was in high school. I was a freshman in high school.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I went to a boarding school because I was a fucking problem kid and had a green Mohawk. And, you know, it was like, no, this isn't happening. And I just lied a ton to try to make people like me. I was just lying all the, and this guy, I still remember his name. And if he's listening right now, his name is Alex Bell.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And he just came to me one of the last couple of days of school and he said, Joe, just so you know, everybody knows that you're lying. And if you just were yourself, it would be so much easier for us to like you. And I stopped lying that day. I mean, not completely, I'm sure, but that habit of habitually lying just stopped.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
because that guy did an incredibly compassionate, not fucking very nice thing. Took a big risk, said a very scary thing to me.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Everybody but Alex Bell just had that feeling. God damn it, Joe is there. He's fucking lying. I can't say anything to him. Alex Bell, he felt like this. I said that to Joe. Compassion for him, compassion for me.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, that's the thing we were talking. You've said it, I've said it. If you're not being yourself, you can't be accepted as yourself. You can't create a world for yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. I hadn't thought about it that way. Actually, that's actually, how true is that? I think that's pretty fucking true. I think you can get, I think you can get Instagram accepted for not being yourself. I think you can get like not, not a deep form of acceptance for not being yourself, but I don't think anybody gets deeply accepted for if they're not being themselves.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Oh, wait, wait. I haven't heard that. That's so good for so many companies I've been involved in. When a measure becomes an outcome, it ceases to be a good measure.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, so I think it's a staged, you know, it's just the way that you, like where you're in developmentally. So there are some people in the world who feel like they don't have any control over their life, like they're tossed and turned. So self-reliance there is probably a great thing to learn, right? That's a great moment for them to learn, oh, I have choice. I can't command.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
overcome that's a batch of them there's some of them who are just so mission driven yeah they're the 20 percent yeah yeah it's yeah there was something that you said you were talking about like the folks like sam harris and you described the whole thing and one of the things you described was that that you're hopeful that you'll get what you want that there's a hope of my experience of that is it that goes actually away there's a thing i have goals and everything but the
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
My experience is that if I live by my principles, which you also talked about in that moment, if I live by my principles, if I live with an open heart, if I act, speak the truth that I see, my life is a lot fucking better than what I hope. What I hope doesn't compare to what actually seems to occur. And that's consistent for a couple of decades now.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Like, you know, I could not have imagined that I would be able to be the dad that I am Or have, like, I was recently, I was, we were having Christmas and I'm like, oh, we're a family. Like, this is what family is supposed to, I didn't have any fucking idea what family was supposed to feel like. I didn't have that as a fucking goal. I wasn't like, hey, I'm going to have a great family.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But there I was having the family that I'd always wanted that I never knew that I wanted.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And that's how I see it work is like if you are true to yourself and your principles and you live by them despite the consequences, then the thing that you hope for is negligible compared to the thing that you get.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And also... you're, you think, you know, what's best from a place where you haven't evolved to the place where you're going to be. Right. So it's like, if I'm thinking what's best from 10 years ago, my, my consciousness is nothing like it was 10 years ago, evolution, there's no end. And so the thing that I could, I couldn't even conceive of the reality of my consciousness today.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So how would I ever possibly know it was a possible, you know, a potential goal.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I do have the ability to make my world what I want it to be. But then at some point, that weighs down. Then you're, shit, I'm responsible for everything. And I can't rely on anybody. And that's typically where those super self-reliant people, and I'm speaking about us here, like both of us grew up this way, on some level, there was some learning earlier on in our lives that it was...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
What I'm pointing to there is Mostly internal, but also external, but you have to experience it internally first, is that we like to say this part of ourselves is good and this part of ourselves is bad or some version of that. But the way a human registers it is that if I say... you are a shitty speaker. You don't hear that as I'm a shitty speaker. And there's 99.999% of me. That's great.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You hear it as I suck as human. So, so if you're not able to like love all the parts of yourself, there's still something wrong with you. And, and, and that's the way people feel it in the other right. And if you're in a relationship and particularly like a love relationship and you're like, I love all this about you, but I don't like these things about you that you're not actually loving them.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
you're you're trying to manage them you're trying to control them you're trying to get them to change and that and trying to get somebody to change makes for a fucking horrible relationship why because you're basically saying there's something wrong with you and i don't accept you as you are cool let's let's hang out for 30 years on that one it'll be happily ever after rather than
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
oh, my job is to get back to unconditional love with you and face whatever I have to face in myself that doesn't allow me to do that.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Because my ability to love you has nothing to do with you. You can be mad at me and I can love you. You can be resentful of me and I can love you. Like my capacity to love you is really most strongly defined by my capacity to love myself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Of course. And ask for them and have boundaries. All that stuff is super important. But that doesn't mean you have to stop loving them.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's the weird thing is that people think is, you know, obviously boundaries are really important. When I talk about boundaries, I'll say a great boundary opens your heart because you're speaking your truth. You're being... you know that no matter what happens next, what's going to happen for you is good. So let's say, the truth of this is what I've discovered when my dad was drinking.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So my dad, he's passed now, but he was a drinker. And at some point, I said to him, I'm just not going to come home if all you do is criticize me. Mm-hmm. That opened my heart because what I was saying was I'm not going to accept criticism, both externally and internally. And no matter what he did next, it didn't really matter because I had made a boundary that was self-care that opened my heart.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
A year later, I could realize, oh, I can actually be around him as long as he's not drinking. Like that actually works for me. My boundary had shifted, but the boundary was as much for me as it was for him. It was me saying, I'm not going to put up with this.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if I do it externally in the world, then it reaffirms the internal boundary that I'm having of I'm not criticizing myself like that anymore either.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. Yeah. Oftentimes people use boundaries as a way to control other folks. So the two rules I have about boundary is when you think of the boundary you're going to do, it opens your heart no matter what they say. And two, it's telling them what you're going to do, not what they're going to do. So if you yell at me, I am going to leave.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'll be gone for 15 minutes and then I will come right back and continue our conversation without you yelling at me. immediately allows me to open my heart. I'm taking care of myself. I'm not telling you what you have to do. Are you saying I can't yell at you? No, you can yell at me. I just not going to be here for it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so that's, those are the two things that people often get wrong with boundaries. The last one is that there's two forms of attachment. One is the action. Well, there's many forms of attachment, but two of the main ones are anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. Thank you. And
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So if somebody is anxiously attached and you draw a boundary of I'm leaving, if you don't say I'm coming back in 15 minutes, it's punishment. It's death for them on some level, on a little kid level. So to draw a boundary that says, here's how I'm going to reconnect, drawing a boundary where connection is part of the boundary until the boundary is, I'm not going to connect with you anymore.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's fine too. But until that is there, you're always leaving a place for connection to come back under circumstances they can choose not to do it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I am alone in this. There's some, I'm alone in this. And that makes us, I don't want to feel. So this is where the emotional thing comes in. I don't want to feel that deep aloneness. Couldn't feel it as a kid. Don't want to feel it now. And therefore my reaction to not feel it is self-reliance. And so that really slows us down because you can only accomplish so much as yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
happy to reconnect with you when you're not yelling at me many people believe that peace means never feeling agitated deep peace is the ability to be with agitation without aversion yeah this is the tension thing with the lung or the salad yeah i prefer the salad yeah your life doesn't exist without it so you can't you can't have a non-agitated state but but agitation is really fucking enjoyable
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The thing about emotion, here's the thing about the emotion. We talked about how there's that open channel and then you can kink it in different ways. When it's open, it's a full welcoming of the emotion. And it's almost every emotion I've ever experienced is actually really quite lovely. It's like a lovely experience. It's the resistance to it that's painful.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So going to the bathroom isn't uncomfortable, but resisting going to the bathroom sure as fuck is. And similarly... emotions when they're fully allowed, when they're fully moving through you, they're actually, they're invigorating. Like ask any punk rocker about anger. Remember like old sex pistols and it's just an energy. Anger is an energy.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's like, there's so much joy that they're feeling like moving that anger in those moments, not all the moments, but some of the moments, like it's actually an incredibly experience, uh, exhilarating experience to allow emotion to move through you. As soon as you fucking resist it though. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And they're just sweethearts. I can't tell you, once that news came out, so many people came to me with a lot of fear. There's a lot of fear in the AI space. And I understand why people have the fear. Not the... both the people on the outside and the inside. Like, oh, this is a revolutionary technology. What's going to happen? We don't actually know. So fear arises.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
really painful so it's a deep welcoming and then some people will say well how could i ever enjoy feeling hopeless how could i ever enjoy feeling abandoned you said long as you're resisting it you won't but if you can actually fully let it in it's actually quite spacious and energizing what does that mean fully letting it in
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So we have a thing called emotional inquiry, which is like the easiest way to know it. But it's bringing view to your emotional state and or actually allowing your body, your muscles to express the emotion. If it's been repressed for a long time, expression is going to be necessary for a little while. Because if you've been holding...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You know, I used to be like this because I was holding all the repressed anger from my dad's criticism. And I'll call that the critical parent hunch. I'll see it in people. I'm like, critical parent hunch. Sometimes it's scoliosis, but usually it's a critical parent hunch. And as that changed in me, my body posture changed. As that anger got to be released, my body posture changed.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So when people do... week longs with us and they're moving a lot of their emotions. You'll see their faces change. You'll see their bodies change. Physically, they call it like the groundbreakers facelift. Like you'll see that it's happened so often. And so you're holding, those emotions are holding this tension in your system.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so when you actually move it, you're actually allowing the muscles to move in a different way. You're allowing flexibility that wasn't there before. Oftentimes a tremendous amount of energy moves through the system where people feel like buzzing through the system when that happens. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You can accomplish a tremendous amount as a team. But you can't do that in a team where you're always, always alone, feeling like it's all on you. We all have had bosses like that. They're horrible to work with. Mm-hmm. They start yelling, I'm all alone in this. Why can't anybody fucking bah, bah, bah, bah, bah?
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, exactly. So if you, if you meet any emotion in view, vulnerability, meaning I'm going to allow it to feel impartiality, meaning I'm not going to try to control what the fuck empathy, meaning I'm actually going to be with it and wonder like, what is this? So if you have an emotional experience, it means that it's a somatic experience, right? It means it's moving in your body.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
How does it move? How thick is it? How far from the center is it? Where is the center of it? How dense is it? What color is it? Nobody does that with an emotional experience. With emotional experience, they're like, I'm angry, don't... But there's a very unique sensation. They've done heat maps where they show unique heat signatures for different emotions and bodies.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So like, what is it to actually explore the shit out of that? Like, what is that exactly? The way that you would lay, if you're lifting, you would explore the deep sensation of, oh, I got my tricep right here and... It's like, you can do that with emotions. And that's what fully feeling and letting it have its full way with you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And usually, typically, the way it works is your mind goes, it's not rational. Like, I shouldn't be feeling this. Well, yeah, emotions aren't rational. And because emotions create a tremendous amount of clarity, But they do it differently. Rationality creates clarity like A plus B equals C. Emotions create clarity like, oh, that's it.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you see this all the time with like a CEO who's like really stuck on something. Like, let's go get fucking angry. We go get angry. And then like halfway through the anger, he's like, oh, I know what to do. Or she's like, oh, that's the thing that's been bothering me. I know the boundary I have to keep.
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#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And typically that in anger specifically, it is a sign that there's a boundary that you're not holding. Why? Because anger in its clarity is determination and clarity. And so oftentimes that determination, you're getting angry because something, you care about something and it's not happening. And so I care about I love, I want this thing. It's not happening.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It means that there's something that doesn't feel right to you and you're not drawing the boundary like Gandhi would have drawn the boundary or, or, or in a relationship. It's like, Oh, to my dad, it was, I was angry all the time. As soon as I said, Hey, I'm not going to accept that anymore. Well, a lot less anger. I was angry because I thought I had to fucking accept it. Yes.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Because I bought into the fact that he was my oppressor.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's like ultra self-reliance instead of actually realizing that this is something that I teach CEOs all the time. Everybody here at this company wants you to feel like they're doing a good job. Everybody in this company cares that you think they're doing a good job. Everybody in this company didn't wake up and say, you know what I want to do? I want to go and have a shitty time at work today.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's a banger. Thank you. You cannot fuck up. You and I have sat here in this room. We've both fucked up countless fucking times. So if you go for perfectionism to give you confidence, it's never going to ever work. So confidence comes from, oh, I know who I am. I understand myself. It is a sense of understanding oneself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if you understand who you are, then value is... It either makes no sense or it's so clear that you have it. There's no idea. There's no such thing as one person being more valuable than another. And, of course, I'm valuable. Because it's no longer contingent on how you have performed, how you showed up. Yeah. I've never seen anybody hold a baby and they're like, not valuable enough.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Here you go. And so that whole idea is bullshit.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I want to really under fucking perform. Nobody wakes up saying that. And yet you feel all alone in this because CEOs are typically very self-reliant. So it's a blessing and a curse. It's just what stage you're in.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for watching. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
in their personal life that they are overly self-reliant what would be the sort of behaviors thought patterns ways that they show up things that they do typically it's i'm alone in this it's that feeling of oh i'm i'm i can't depend on somebody see they're not there for me again see i've been abandoned again it's that feeling i it has to be on me i have to do it so i had a i had a
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I have a client who worked with one of the biggest Silicon Valley narcissists. And every week it was review time and they would just yell at her, just yell at her and her team. And then they'd go to the next team and yell at them and their team. And they'd go to the next team and yell at the team.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And one day she just looked at him and said, hey, I see that what you are saying, your wisdom is really important. And I want you to know that everybody in this room wants you to get your vision met. It's just hard for us to do it when you're yelling at us. And he never yelled at her again because she addressed the actual underlying thing, which is you're not alone.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so if you're dealing with somebody who has that self-reliance, that's the solve is to say, hey. I see how much you care about this thing. I see that you really want this, and I want to help you. If you want to help them, I mean, don't be. Don't be inauthentic about it. And that's the solve of working with somebody like that. If you address the core underlying issue, that's there.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. So that's, that's actually, so that's because of those three things I was talking about connection benefits from softening up and open your heart. Like that's how we are going to connect. I'm not going to connect with you, but I'm like, I think that's not going to create the connection.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It is also the result, and we talked about this last time, but joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions, and she won't come into a house that her children aren't welcome. And so if you actually welcome and allow for emotional clarity, allow for that emotional movement that you're either taken by it or controlling it, then the natural outcome is that softening.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if you aren't beating the fuck out of yourself in your head, then the natural outcome is the softening. So that's, yeah, so that's how it works. Yeah.