Joey Diaz
Appearances
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it was that monotony of like you had to post. A podcast has to go up every week. Every week. Every week. You're always doing each other's podcasts. Social media. I mean, man, I wish I could put that toothpaste back in the tube. I've shared everything on social media.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I look at young dudes that are putting out content on Instagram. I've slowed down on Instagram, but right now I'm losing my mind because I'm promoting the special, and I'm in New York, and I'm overexposed, and I'm on everyone's podcast. I see it coming. I'm sick of seeing his fucking face, and I'm like, me too. Get me the fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm going to take another break while this summer I'm going to dip out for a sec. No tour this summer? No tour this summer. We were supposed to do Fully Loaded again this summer, and then I just said, you know, I was like, you know, let's not. Let's let it breathe for a season and come back again next summer where everyone's rejuvenated. By the way, I don't even have an act.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've just started writing for my new tour.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I thought that was kind of cool about Joe's special is he never toured that material. That material only lived in Austin. Like he never took that hour out on the road because he doesn't tour. And I was like, that's kind of cool. If you write an hour in a city, just live in a city, write your hour, perform it, and the whole world sees it for the first time on Netflix. But yeah, I took this hour.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
This hour that's on Netflix now, I took it on a fucking huge arena tour. And I got to do... Here's the thing that gets complicated. This is the thing that is once you start making money, you start making other people money. So you got bus drivers who count on you. You have crew, crew of 18 who count on you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You have a production manager who counts on you, a tour manager that counts on you, an assistant that counts on you. And then you go to do your next tour and everyone's, you had hired all these people and everyone is looking for work. So like I ran into a guy the other day, I haven't seen him in a while, and he's like, yo, when are we going back on the road? And I was like, we? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, fuck, I guess I'm taking him back on the road, huh? So it's crazy, man. I'm jealous of you. I look at your posts. Whenever I see your posts, like you, Georgia and Isla had a group text they shared with you and Mercy were on a boat, and they were like, is that Mercy? And I was like, fuck yeah, she's grown up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It shows everywhere, too.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You think?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's so wild from what I knew stand-up to be when I started. I was listening to a conversation in the hallway between a group of comics who were explaining why it was more cost-effective to fly in a helicopter from LAX to the Valley. And I was like, wait, what are we, like, we're taking helicopters places? Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, dude, I've heard stories talking about tour buses and private jets, and you're like, dude, it's so bizarre.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I definitely did not get in to be a journalist.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fucking buying all the sushi at a place. Ralphie May. I get bummed when I see... I get bummed that the other day I was watching a video of him, so fucking funny, and I go, man, no one talks about him enough. He was so fucking good.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was doing theaters before anyone was doing 20 years ago.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was the first one of us with a tour bus.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I guess I'll have a beer. Order a bottle and some of our killer merch online at drinkporosos.com. Make friends. Dude, I said to Leanne, I will not go to a restaurant if they don't have good parking. I don't care how hot the restaurant is. I need valet or a huge parking lot. I love good parking. Me too. I love good parking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, wait. I have been to Yankee Stadium. You walk fucking forever. Forever at these places. And I got dropped off at an Uber, and I still walk forever.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You were in the hospital?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? So you were having a hard time breathing? It started like in December. I thought it was the mushrooms.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How did they drain your lungs?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And does it feel like a flu, like you're coughing and stuff? Or is it just filling up with fluid? Just when you walk...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And Tommy Bunz has to be burnt out by now. Oh, this last tour he did was the biggest one he's ever done. And I think it's all arenas. And I know him. He doesn't do drugs. He doesn't get his dick sucked.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Really? So how long has it been since you went in the hospital? Three weeks. Three weeks?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, that's so funny.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I was like, you're right. Holy shit. Did you get scared during that time?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Ladies and gentlemen, new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. And this is who I should have done this podcast with. Fucking screwed the pooch. I took the wrong Latino. Tommy just got done. I think Tommy's retiring, Joey.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You brought your edibles in?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah. I got to clean up. I had a call with Leanne. I was hammered last night. I was hammered. I was telling Pete. I couldn't understand how it did, and I figured it out. A girl at the bar, hot as shit, very sweet, Costa Rican chick, I guess walked me to my room, and I was like, hey, man, I'm married. She's just a good Samaritan. I was so drunk, I couldn't find my key.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I didn't know what room I was in, and she was like, I'm going to get you to bed. And I woke up thinking she wanted to fuck me. Yeah. She just got me to my bed. I told her at the door. I was like, it's not going to happen. And she's like, yeah, I know. But I talked to Leah this morning. She's like, yo, when you come home, you need to dry out. This press run's been rough on me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How long has this run been? Two weeks straight. But... It's been, you know, I still do phoners to radio stations, so I've been getting up at 6 in the morning, 4 in the morning LA time, doing call-ins until like 10, then going to sleep, going and do podcasts. I'm ready to just stop podcasting. Like, if I could, I would love to put everything on hold.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You did the right, I mean, I think you've done the right thing, especially knowing how much time you spend with Mercy. And I look back and I go, man, I was gone all the fucking girls' childhood. All of it. I saw them Tuesday and Wednesday, Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday, until I started canceling Sundays. When do you think you loved it the most?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
You know, I've heard from like three people now that I really respect that, You should put that podcasting is bad for stand-up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I've heard Colin Quinn, Louis C.K., and a guy I won't say, say, Should stop podcasting and focus on stand-up. They're like, it's bad for stand-up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nate Bargatze, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Definitely five of those billion didn't come to my show. Yeah, so they were like, wow. Yeah, that is crazy. Yeah, I guess a special on Netflix probably pulls in, I'm guessing, 10 million.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, and I'm definitely not selling 10 million tickets.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
When was the most favorite time in stand-up for you? When I was dead broke. Yeah. Why is that? Why is it when you're the poorest you are it's the most fun?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I remember. He got to you in college. Fuck yeah, Billy Madison.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, he's still my guy. Yeah, he's still your fucking guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Thank you.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Jerry found out that Priscilla died.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the best.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And now we got Spider Cams coming in.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll tell you what, I'll even take it further. I miss, you know what I miss? Is albums. I remember listening to Dave Attell's Skanks for the Memories and going, this is perfect. And it's perfect that I can't see it because it played to my imagination. I've always loved live albums. I fucking love live albums.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I loved the... Can I tell you my favorite? I miss... Do you remember Rogan had that phone that would just ring in his office? He'd be doing a podcast and it'd just start ringing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you'd go, you gonna get that? And he goes, the line's dead. I don't even know who the fuck has that number. And you'd hear it listening to a podcast, and then you'd do the podcast and it would ring. Oh, I love those old school... It was like... My favorite was when I had microphones and you would come on and you'd get so excited. You'd move the microphone like this. Let me tell you something.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then he woke up and he fell on the dollhouse and crushed the dollhouse. Oh, my God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
There's no camera for this, but you'd be telling a story, and then you'd look at Ralphie, and you'd look at me, and you'd start, but you were still telling the story going, he's sound asleep. He's sound asleep.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We had to lift him up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And you got him to the car, and you called me, and you go, he crushed the dollhouse. Oh, my God. And we were crying, laughing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He landed on his stomach and it flattened it. It flattened it. And we were laughing. I remember when you called me after you put him in the car. I had held it in and I fucking was standing in the backyard crying laughing. Did you ever see him fall on Kimmel? No. He fell walking out on Kimmel one time, fell on the stairs to do stand-up. I don't know where I saw the clip, but man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, he was, you know, it bums me out because you see those clips. I don't think, he really doesn't get the credit he deserves.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He never got the, I mean, he said things, do you remember he had that bit about Fat Bastard? And he goes, oh, that's funny to you? Oh, I see black people laughing. What if we had Black Bastard? I'm talking a man so dark you throw salt in his face it looks like deep space. What about Mexican ass bastard? A grown man with baby teeth. A grown man with baby teeth.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
How you gonna be a grown man with... He was so fucking... My favorite bit he ever did was the... Girls, you don't want big dick leaving your pussy looking like a horse reaching for a sugar cube? He was impossible to follow.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Such a good fucking guy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
On Cowhead's boat, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Were the last... I think I saw him before this, but one of the last times I saw him, he was on Cowhead's Cruise, and he did not leave the bed. He was in the bed the whole time, and he was like, Like, ah, player, I'm going through. I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I'm not smoking. I'm not eating.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And then the Indian guy that worked, like the bellman or whatever, the guy that would check our rooms, the maid, Indian guy goes, Mr. Ralphie's lying. Mr. Ralphie eats everything. And he's like, shut up, Punjab. And he would go, Mr. Bert, get Mr. Ralphie out of bed. Get Mr. Ralphie out of bed. We get him out of bed, and the only time he got out of bed is to do stand-up.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And, man, he goes, why don't you close the show, Bert? And I was like, okay. And he went up, and he fucking put one on them. Destroyed. And the guy got up on stage and fucking ate a dick. Couldn't follow him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I won. He got on stage with me in Nashville one time, took his shirt off, and started dancing. There's a picture of me and him shirtless on stage. I was driving to go. I was driving. I had to drive to Atlanta. I had to drive to Georgia and see the girls. The girls were over at the lake house. And I was driving from Nashville to Bowdoin. And my phone rang and it was Joe. And he goes, how dare you?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I shouldn't have to see that fucking picture. He goes, I'm going to make you start putting your shirt on if I got to see Ralphie with his shirt off. Oh, my God. Oh.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We ate mushrooms together.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
He was a great cook.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That's the way he always was. He came over to the house one time with the family. August was a baby. August was strong as fucking shit. I have a picture somewhere, a video of August lifting up a 60-pound kettlebell. He was like in diapers. And Ralphie came over and he's like, he's like, yo, I'm going to make some barbecue. We'll bring the family together. And I was like, great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And he made the best goddamn barbecue. And he made his own barbecue sauce. Yeah, he made his own sauce. He made his own sauce. And it was so good. His sister came out to one of my shows in – On Fully Loaded. And she made, she pickled a bunch of like, made a bunch of pickles and like pickled some vegetables and made some jams and gave them to us. Dude, that food was in that fucking family.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The pickles, Joey, are like hamburger size. They're so fucking thick and they're so good. Oh, man. I miss him a lot.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah, he did.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, it was 2003 because George was born in 2004. I did Last Comic Standing 2, which was 2004. Okay. And yeah, Georgia, it premiered, Last Comic Standing premiered on June 7th, 2004 because I was in the hospital holding Georgia, watching me on Last Comic Standing 2. Wow. Yeah. And I was like- Man, thank God I didn't get on fucking last time on Comic Standing.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I think this is his last tour.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That would have fucking ruined me, Joey. I would have never become a good comic. I just would have been that guy who had 10 minutes and did whatever he thought America thought he should do. You know, it's crazy, like the little blessings. But yeah, Ralphie, man, he was just, I really do miss him.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We should call him and see who has his phone now.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Wow. Well, I'm glad you're doing better with the fucking lung shit. That's scary as fuck.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I never could have done it, and I would have been horrible. I'm like, this is a fucking nightmare. I bet he would have done that, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God, yeah. The struggle is, I remember Ralphie said to me one time, he said, my first special, Comfortably Dumb, was coming out. And he said, he's like, player, you better hope for a snowstorm. I said, what? It was in February. I think it came out in February. Pray for a snowstorm, Bert Kreischer. He goes, my special came out and there was a blizzard. And the numbers are through the roof.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Everyone's in the house. And he goes, you don't want rain. Rain takes out the electricity. You want snow. And when Hey Big Boy came out on Netflix... I wanted to text him so bad. He was already dead. But I wanted to text him so bad because, hey, big boy came out three days after stay-at-home orders. And I was like, Ralphie, I got better than a snowstorm. The entire country is forced to be inside.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And my special just dropped. I remember hearing Ralphie's voice in my head going, oh, shit, a pandemic. A pandemic is better than a snowstorm, player. God.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No, it's big.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It starts in September, and I'm going abroad with it, and it's arenas. So, yeah, I'm doing Red Rocks again. You should come out and do Red Rocks with me.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Dude, I fuck it. It's my favorite place.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
October 1st.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
God, that would be great to have you out there. Yep, October 1st. Yeah. It's a Wednesday.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
October 1st, Red Rocks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, yeah. I was talking to Joe on the phone when he was out there.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'll tell you what. We do it right when we do Colorado. I'll have Leanne reach out to Terry, and we'll set it up. It is so fucking great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We run out a whole hotel that's all on a river and in Evergreen, and we run out the whole hotel, and everyone's there. It's so fucking great, Joey. It's so great.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Got it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Colorado's so fucking beautiful.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
No fucking way. It wasn't healthy for Isla.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Women can't.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Those earliest days with Rogan must have been a fucking blast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
That was the, our last straw where we're like, we're gonna get out of the neighborhood was a guy overdosed on our front yard. Yeah. And Leon had to call 911. And she's on FaceTime with me. Like, there's a guy. He's passed out in our front yard. He's overdosed. And they came in. They gave him Narcan. And he woke up. And they took him to the hospital. But it was like, yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
And that was when we were redoing the house, man. That was when it was getting scary, too. Because once you put a fucking... Port-a-potty in your front yard, you become a homeless fucking haven. Every homeless guy in the world took a shit in that front yard.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
We had to turn, we had to, we had to empty that port-a-potty like twice a week because homeless guys would, there was, I went pulled up one time and there was a line in my front, like guys, a guy was waiting to take a shit in my port-a-potty in my front yard. And I was like, all right, I'm fucking.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Yeah, we live over in Sherman Oaks.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
If you were there. I think it was the right time for everyone to leave. It was the right time.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I mean, how fucking lucky were we to be at the Comedy Store and be in L.A. when the guy now that has changed the landscape of media in general was creating the thing And, I mean, those early episodes of Rogan. Like, I mean, you know, I love Joe, but I think he's so much smarter than me that I get lost when he tells me things. Like, I do his podcast now and I just sit there and nod.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, I'm not as smart as you, Joe. He knows so much shit about so much shit. I'm like, but those early Rogans when he was just a meathead, those were the funniest fucking podcast.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
One of the producers of one of the TV shows I was doing was like, I watched your special. Are you concerned? And I said, about what? She goes, well, some of the stuff you say. You know, you're afraid you're going to get in trouble? And I was like, I go, honey, I can't even tell you. The thing you're talking about, I don't even know what you're talking about, so I have no fucking problem.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I don't know what the fuck you're even mentioning. Like, it's crazy.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I love Fogo de Chao.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Oh, I'm way better at comedy than I am podcasting.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm not a journalist. I suck. I interrupt. I fucking talk over people.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I tell a story that is like your story, but I think it's better. I'm like the worst at podcasting. I have fun because I get to hang out with my friends. And then people enjoy it. And if people don't enjoy it, then I don't enjoy it. But yeah, it's funny, man. Do you remember when Ralphie tore down Seth Rogen's picture at the improv? They put up Seth Rogen as one of the...
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
you know, comics, and Ralphie fucking lost his mind. Yeah, because that... Lost his mind.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck, Joe, thank you. And that's when Joe just discovered weed.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Except for fucking dirt.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never got invited. Yeah. Well, that's the end of this podcast. That's going to stick this room up. Joey, I love you to death, man.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Okay.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Permission to Party World Tour starts September 19th. And Joey Diaz and I will be at Red Rocks October 1st.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Fuck yeah.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I'm like, god damn it.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tonal adjusts in one pound increments with adaptive weight that now goes up to 250 pounds and challenging literally guys like myself who bench 200 and 325 pounds. Yeah, I'm not. but that also challenges like really advanced people to push to their limit. Plus the new built-in smart view leverages, high resolution camera that lets you see yourself during your workout.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It analyzes your movement and provides you with real-time coaching, just like a personal trainer. And by the way, my personal trainer is on total. My favorite guy, Akeem, he is, he is on there. He is jacked. But these workouts are awesome. And with the new drop sets, Tonal 2 analyzes your movement, senses when you're fatiguing, and will drop weight until your muscles are maxed out.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
I never asked myself that, and then I asked myself. I said to myself when I was getting ready to announce this new tour, I was like, am I just going to do this forever? Is there an end date to this?
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
In an experience you could only get in a gym until now. Now, here's the thing I love about Tonal is I go buy it, and I look, and I'll go 12-minute arms workout. Boom. And bang it out. And once you've started one of these workouts, you're like, yo, I should bang out legs real quick. And it really, it is the gateway to working out in my opinion. And it just stares at you in your, in your gym.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
It's like, yo, you, what are you doing? And you got to try a team. He's my guy. I've been talking about him for years. I love him. He's a great trainer right now. And by the way, they have a ton of great trainers. I have to say that. Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase with the promo code BEARS.
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I'm coming to get your booty.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
With my tongue, yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's hilarious, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
So embarrassing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Manterrupting.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
I sent a video of hers to Sickler. He goes, the funniest part is that I see that you follow her. I was like, yeah, every day she's just like, ah, look at my tongue. They're sending radioactive waves into my apartment.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
That's his landlord. Yikes. That's his landlord.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
He's a worker.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
A Hole Is A Hole w/ Tony Johns | Your Mom's House Ep. 804
Yeah. You got it. You don't.