Joey Diaz

My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.

Yeah, it was that monotony of like you had to post. A podcast has to go up every week. Every week. Every week. You're always doing each other's podcasts. Social media. I mean, man, I wish I could put that toothpaste back in the tube. I've shared everything on social media.

I look at young dudes that are putting out content on Instagram. I've slowed down on Instagram, but right now I'm losing my mind because I'm promoting the special, and I'm in New York, and I'm overexposed, and I'm on everyone's podcast. I see it coming. I'm sick of seeing his fucking face, and I'm like, me too. Get me the fuck.

I'm going to take another break while this summer I'm going to dip out for a sec. No tour this summer? No tour this summer. We were supposed to do Fully Loaded again this summer, and then I just said, you know, I was like, you know, let's not. Let's let it breathe for a season and come back again next summer where everyone's rejuvenated. By the way, I don't even have an act.

I've just started writing for my new tour.

I thought that was kind of cool about Joe's special is he never toured that material. That material only lived in Austin. Like he never took that hour out on the road because he doesn't tour. And I was like, that's kind of cool. If you write an hour in a city, just live in a city, write your hour, perform it, and the whole world sees it for the first time on Netflix. But yeah, I took this hour.

This hour that's on Netflix now, I took it on a fucking huge arena tour. And I got to do... Here's the thing that gets complicated. This is the thing that is once you start making money, you start making other people money. So you got bus drivers who count on you. You have crew, crew of 18 who count on you.

You have a production manager who counts on you, a tour manager that counts on you, an assistant that counts on you. And then you go to do your next tour and everyone's, you had hired all these people and everyone is looking for work. So like I ran into a guy the other day, I haven't seen him in a while, and he's like, yo, when are we going back on the road? And I was like, we? Yeah.

I was like, fuck, I guess I'm taking him back on the road, huh? So it's crazy, man. I'm jealous of you. I look at your posts. Whenever I see your posts, like you, Georgia and Isla had a group text they shared with you and Mercy were on a boat, and they were like, is that Mercy? And I was like, fuck yeah, she's grown up.

Yeah.

It shows everywhere, too.

You think?

It's so wild from what I knew stand-up to be when I started. I was listening to a conversation in the hallway between a group of comics who were explaining why it was more cost-effective to fly in a helicopter from LAX to the Valley. And I was like, wait, what are we, like, we're taking helicopters places? Yeah.

I was like, dude, I've heard stories talking about tour buses and private jets, and you're like, dude, it's so bizarre.

I definitely did not get in to be a journalist.

Fucking buying all the sushi at a place. Ralphie May. I get bummed when I see... I get bummed that the other day I was watching a video of him, so fucking funny, and I go, man, no one talks about him enough. He was so fucking good.

He was doing theaters before anyone was doing 20 years ago.

He was the first one of us with a tour bus.

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Yeah.

Oh, wait. I have been to Yankee Stadium. You walk fucking forever. Forever at these places. And I got dropped off at an Uber, and I still walk forever.

You were in the hospital?

Really? So you were having a hard time breathing? It started like in December. I thought it was the mushrooms.

How did they drain your lungs?

And does it feel like a flu, like you're coughing and stuff? Or is it just filling up with fluid? Just when you walk...

And Tommy Bunz has to be burnt out by now. Oh, this last tour he did was the biggest one he's ever done. And I think it's all arenas. And I know him. He doesn't do drugs. He doesn't get his dick sucked.

Really? So how long has it been since you went in the hospital? Three weeks. Three weeks?

Oh, that's so funny.

I was like, you're right. Holy shit. Did you get scared during that time?

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Yeah.

You brought your edibles in?

Yeah. I got to clean up. I had a call with Leanne. I was hammered last night. I was hammered. I was telling Pete. I couldn't understand how it did, and I figured it out. A girl at the bar, hot as shit, very sweet, Costa Rican chick, I guess walked me to my room, and I was like, hey, man, I'm married. She's just a good Samaritan. I was so drunk, I couldn't find my key.

I didn't know what room I was in, and she was like, I'm going to get you to bed. And I woke up thinking she wanted to fuck me. Yeah. She just got me to my bed. I told her at the door. I was like, it's not going to happen. And she's like, yeah, I know. But I talked to Leah this morning. She's like, yo, when you come home, you need to dry out. This press run's been rough on me.

How long has this run been? Two weeks straight. But... It's been, you know, I still do phoners to radio stations, so I've been getting up at 6 in the morning, 4 in the morning LA time, doing call-ins until like 10, then going to sleep, going and do podcasts. I'm ready to just stop podcasting. Like, if I could, I would love to put everything on hold.

You did the right, I mean, I think you've done the right thing, especially knowing how much time you spend with Mercy. And I look back and I go, man, I was gone all the fucking girls' childhood. All of it. I saw them Tuesday and Wednesday, Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday, until I started canceling Sundays. When do you think you loved it the most?

You know, I've heard from like three people now that I really respect that, You should put that podcasting is bad for stand-up.

I've heard Colin Quinn, Louis C.K., and a guy I won't say, say, Should stop podcasting and focus on stand-up. They're like, it's bad for stand-up.

Nate Bargatze, yeah.

Definitely five of those billion didn't come to my show. Yeah, so they were like, wow. Yeah, that is crazy. Yeah, I guess a special on Netflix probably pulls in, I'm guessing, 10 million.

Yeah, and I'm definitely not selling 10 million tickets.

When was the most favorite time in stand-up for you? When I was dead broke. Yeah. Why is that? Why is it when you're the poorest you are it's the most fun?

Oh, I remember. He got to you in college. Fuck yeah, Billy Madison.

Yeah, he's still my guy. Yeah, he's still your fucking guy.

Thank you.

Jerry found out that Priscilla died.

Yeah.

That's the best.

And now we got Spider Cams coming in.

I'll tell you what, I'll even take it further. I miss, you know what I miss? Is albums. I remember listening to Dave Attell's Skanks for the Memories and going, this is perfect. And it's perfect that I can't see it because it played to my imagination. I've always loved live albums. I fucking love live albums.

Yeah.

I loved the... Can I tell you my favorite? I miss... Do you remember Rogan had that phone that would just ring in his office? He'd be doing a podcast and it'd just start ringing.

And you'd go, you gonna get that? And he goes, the line's dead. I don't even know who the fuck has that number. And you'd hear it listening to a podcast, and then you'd do the podcast and it would ring. Oh, I love those old school... It was like... My favorite was when I had microphones and you would come on and you'd get so excited. You'd move the microphone like this. Let me tell you something.

Oh, my God.

And then he woke up and he fell on the dollhouse and crushed the dollhouse. Oh, my God.

There's no camera for this, but you'd be telling a story, and then you'd look at Ralphie, and you'd look at me, and you'd start, but you were still telling the story going, he's sound asleep. He's sound asleep.

We had to lift him up.

And you got him to the car, and you called me, and you go, he crushed the dollhouse. Oh, my God. And we were crying, laughing.

He landed on his stomach and it flattened it. It flattened it. And we were laughing. I remember when you called me after you put him in the car. I had held it in and I fucking was standing in the backyard crying laughing. Did you ever see him fall on Kimmel? No. He fell walking out on Kimmel one time, fell on the stairs to do stand-up. I don't know where I saw the clip, but man.

Dude, he was, you know, it bums me out because you see those clips. I don't think, he really doesn't get the credit he deserves.

He never got the, I mean, he said things, do you remember he had that bit about Fat Bastard? And he goes, oh, that's funny to you? Oh, I see black people laughing. What if we had Black Bastard? I'm talking a man so dark you throw salt in his face it looks like deep space. What about Mexican ass bastard? A grown man with baby teeth. A grown man with baby teeth.

How you gonna be a grown man with... He was so fucking... My favorite bit he ever did was the... Girls, you don't want big dick leaving your pussy looking like a horse reaching for a sugar cube? He was impossible to follow.

Such a good fucking guy.

On Cowhead's boat, yeah.

Were the last... I think I saw him before this, but one of the last times I saw him, he was on Cowhead's Cruise, and he did not leave the bed. He was in the bed the whole time, and he was like, Like, ah, player, I'm going through. I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I'm not smoking. I'm not eating.

And then the Indian guy that worked, like the bellman or whatever, the guy that would check our rooms, the maid, Indian guy goes, Mr. Ralphie's lying. Mr. Ralphie eats everything. And he's like, shut up, Punjab. And he would go, Mr. Bert, get Mr. Ralphie out of bed. Get Mr. Ralphie out of bed. We get him out of bed, and the only time he got out of bed is to do stand-up.

And, man, he goes, why don't you close the show, Bert? And I was like, okay. And he went up, and he fucking put one on them. Destroyed. And the guy got up on stage and fucking ate a dick. Couldn't follow him.

I won. He got on stage with me in Nashville one time, took his shirt off, and started dancing. There's a picture of me and him shirtless on stage. I was driving to go. I was driving. I had to drive to Atlanta. I had to drive to Georgia and see the girls. The girls were over at the lake house. And I was driving from Nashville to Bowdoin. And my phone rang and it was Joe. And he goes, how dare you?

I shouldn't have to see that fucking picture. He goes, I'm going to make you start putting your shirt on if I got to see Ralphie with his shirt off. Oh, my God. Oh.

We ate mushrooms together.

He was a great cook.

That's the way he always was. He came over to the house one time with the family. August was a baby. August was strong as fucking shit. I have a picture somewhere, a video of August lifting up a 60-pound kettlebell. He was like in diapers. And Ralphie came over and he's like, he's like, yo, I'm going to make some barbecue. We'll bring the family together. And I was like, great.

And he made the best goddamn barbecue. And he made his own barbecue sauce. Yeah, he made his own sauce. He made his own sauce. And it was so good. His sister came out to one of my shows in – On Fully Loaded. And she made, she pickled a bunch of like, made a bunch of pickles and like pickled some vegetables and made some jams and gave them to us. Dude, that food was in that fucking family.

The pickles, Joey, are like hamburger size. They're so fucking thick and they're so good. Oh, man. I miss him a lot.

Oh, yeah, he did.

Yeah, it was 2003 because George was born in 2004. I did Last Comic Standing 2, which was 2004. Okay. And yeah, Georgia, it premiered, Last Comic Standing premiered on June 7th, 2004 because I was in the hospital holding Georgia, watching me on Last Comic Standing 2. Wow. Yeah. And I was like- Man, thank God I didn't get on fucking last time on Comic Standing.

I think this is his last tour.

That would have fucking ruined me, Joey. I would have never become a good comic. I just would have been that guy who had 10 minutes and did whatever he thought America thought he should do. You know, it's crazy, like the little blessings. But yeah, Ralphie, man, he was just, I really do miss him.

We should call him and see who has his phone now.

Wow. Well, I'm glad you're doing better with the fucking lung shit. That's scary as fuck.

Oh, I never could have done it, and I would have been horrible. I'm like, this is a fucking nightmare. I bet he would have done that, yeah.

God, yeah. The struggle is, I remember Ralphie said to me one time, he said, my first special, Comfortably Dumb, was coming out. And he said, he's like, player, you better hope for a snowstorm. I said, what? It was in February. I think it came out in February. Pray for a snowstorm, Bert Kreischer. He goes, my special came out and there was a blizzard. And the numbers are through the roof.

Everyone's in the house. And he goes, you don't want rain. Rain takes out the electricity. You want snow. And when Hey Big Boy came out on Netflix... I wanted to text him so bad. He was already dead. But I wanted to text him so bad because, hey, big boy came out three days after stay-at-home orders. And I was like, Ralphie, I got better than a snowstorm. The entire country is forced to be inside.

And my special just dropped. I remember hearing Ralphie's voice in my head going, oh, shit, a pandemic. A pandemic is better than a snowstorm, player. God.

No, it's big.

It starts in September, and I'm going abroad with it, and it's arenas. So, yeah, I'm doing Red Rocks again. You should come out and do Red Rocks with me.

Dude, I fuck it. It's my favorite place.

Yeah.

October 1st.

God, that would be great to have you out there. Yep, October 1st. Yeah. It's a Wednesday.

October 1st, Red Rocks.

Oh, yeah. I was talking to Joe on the phone when he was out there.

I'll tell you what. We do it right when we do Colorado. I'll have Leanne reach out to Terry, and we'll set it up. It is so fucking great.

We run out a whole hotel that's all on a river and in Evergreen, and we run out the whole hotel, and everyone's there. It's so fucking great, Joey. It's so great.

Yeah, okay.

Got it.

Colorado's so fucking beautiful.

No fucking way. It wasn't healthy for Isla.

Women can't.

Those earliest days with Rogan must have been a fucking blast.

That was the, our last straw where we're like, we're gonna get out of the neighborhood was a guy overdosed on our front yard. Yeah. And Leon had to call 911. And she's on FaceTime with me. Like, there's a guy. He's passed out in our front yard. He's overdosed. And they came in. They gave him Narcan. And he woke up. And they took him to the hospital. But it was like, yeah.

And that was when we were redoing the house, man. That was when it was getting scary, too. Because once you put a fucking... Port-a-potty in your front yard, you become a homeless fucking haven. Every homeless guy in the world took a shit in that front yard.

We had to turn, we had to, we had to empty that port-a-potty like twice a week because homeless guys would, there was, I went pulled up one time and there was a line in my front, like guys, a guy was waiting to take a shit in my port-a-potty in my front yard. And I was like, all right, I'm fucking.

Yeah, we live over in Sherman Oaks.

If you were there. I think it was the right time for everyone to leave. It was the right time.

I mean, how fucking lucky were we to be at the Comedy Store and be in L.A. when the guy now that has changed the landscape of media in general was creating the thing And, I mean, those early episodes of Rogan. Like, I mean, you know, I love Joe, but I think he's so much smarter than me that I get lost when he tells me things. Like, I do his podcast now and I just sit there and nod.

I'm like, I'm not as smart as you, Joe. He knows so much shit about so much shit. I'm like, but those early Rogans when he was just a meathead, those were the funniest fucking podcast.

One of the producers of one of the TV shows I was doing was like, I watched your special. Are you concerned? And I said, about what? She goes, well, some of the stuff you say. You know, you're afraid you're going to get in trouble? And I was like, I go, honey, I can't even tell you. The thing you're talking about, I don't even know what you're talking about, so I have no fucking problem.

I don't know what the fuck you're even mentioning. Like, it's crazy.

I love Fogo de Chao.

Oh, I'm way better at comedy than I am podcasting.

I'm not a journalist. I suck. I interrupt. I fucking talk over people.

I tell a story that is like your story, but I think it's better. I'm like the worst at podcasting. I have fun because I get to hang out with my friends. And then people enjoy it. And if people don't enjoy it, then I don't enjoy it. But yeah, it's funny, man. Do you remember when Ralphie tore down Seth Rogen's picture at the improv? They put up Seth Rogen as one of the...

you know, comics, and Ralphie fucking lost his mind. Yeah, because that... Lost his mind.

Fuck, Joe, thank you. And that's when Joe just discovered weed.

Except for fucking dirt.

I never got invited. Yeah. Well, that's the end of this podcast. That's going to stick this room up. Joey, I love you to death, man.

Okay.

Permission to Party World Tour starts September 19th. And Joey Diaz and I will be at Red Rocks October 1st.

Fuck yeah.

I'm like, god damn it.

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You're retaining that much water and your blood cells are off the charts. So we got to start draining. I started draining. They were taking, I don't know how many tubes from me every three hours of blood. Wow. Look at my fucking arms. They're fucking banged up. I look like a fucking heroin junkie. So when I got out, I started taking it. Listen, when you end up in a hospital, there's a problem.

Okay? There's a problem. You cut a stitch, that's not a problem. You had a situation. That's how I looked at it. There's a problem here. We got to get to the bottom of this fucking thing. What is the bottom of it? What's the cause of it? I was taking MK-677. What is that? And it's an amino acid peptide which mimics growth hormone in your brain.

And it had a lot of dumps, like insulin dumps and all this type of shit. And it was raising my sugar. It was doing a ton of shit. I didn't even know it. But this ain't the first time it happened. It happened when I was doing testosterone when I was 50. I had a rush of red blood cells, and I had to go to, I was in D.C., and I had the worst fucking migraine headache for days.

And they took blood out, and they go, you got too many red blood cells. Wow. So that's why I can't do any of that shit. And it's like the man said, if you're going to do growth, do growth. Don't get something that's going to mimic growth.

I love Brigham. Brigham's a good fucking man. He's the best. And he loves what he does. He does. And that's what the key is. Like, he's jerking off all over that fucking Martian. He loves that shit.

It's pretty really fucking good. It's really cool. But that was what I had going on, man. When I came out. We're going to see what we can do. Yeah, I quit smoking pot and I was like, come on, man. After about a month, I'm like, come on, Joey. This ain't what fucking puts you in the hospital. You know this. So I started slightly.

I would just do one hit in the morning because that's all I need is the morning. The rest of the day is bullshit. I just like to be high in the morning with that coffee. That's my world. That lets me know what I'm doing that day. You think about life. No. Think about what you're doing. It's like what Bill Hicks said. Marijuana don't make you lazy.

It just makes you realize that what you're going to do ain't worth doing. Okay? That's the way I look at it. You know, when I had to drive into the city to do that podcast, only 18 people listened to it. I'm not fucking going to do this. You know, that's what happens. And that's what happens with me. I smoke pot in the morning. I'm like, I ain't doing that today.

Very legit.

I just don't even know where it is. I don't know if it's in Brooklyn.

Hot, hot gay love coming at you. When I read those lyrics, I'm like, that's the most brilliant fucking thing.

It's 2025. I can't see you. You know, it's all around us. If you're still hating, you got a fucking problem.

Right. Pedophile and being gay is two different fucking things.

Now, the way I grew up, you know, the Cuban men's side of me was supposed to... Right. The pre-revolution Cubans. Right. Italians, too. Catholics. They won't go in a room if there's a gay man in the room. I always thought that was... The fuck? You can't be in... I won't go in there. Why? Because you're a machismo type of dude? So that... But my mother...

Yeah, they get everything.

was the one that goes, no, they're fucking... And then we had a gay guy in our neighborhood. I told you about this guy. He worked with my mother. He was a designer on Broadway for some plays. He would design the carpet. But at night, he sold coke. It was like 1975, and he would come to the bar, and I knew he was gay. His name was Madin.

We call him Madin and Maricón because that's what that means in Spanish. Maricón means fag in Spanish. So that was his open name in the Cuban community. But one day he came into my mother's bar and there was two bookies. I was like a kid. I was playing that shuffleboard. Remember when you play the sawdust and you spray it? I'm playing the shuffleboard. And he was right there.

And the two bookies were in the corner. And the one guy goes, look who it is. And this motherfucker pulled out a .32. Oh, Jesus. And he goes, listen, I'm going to tell the both of you that unless you suck my dick or I fuck your ass, you don't have the right to call me Martin the Fag. So say it again, I'm going to shoot both of these. And my mom is yelling at him, Martin, Martin, Coco's behind you.

If they start shooting at each other, I'm right here. I lift my head up. I'm like, oh, and Martin's like... And all of a sudden, Martin left. So the next day, I guess he called my mother to apologize. And Martin, my mother made Martin come and apologize to me. And when he opened the door, and he was like, I'm very sorry about pulling out the gun, I go... Fuck that. You're my new Charles Bronson.

I gave him a fucking hug, and he became my best friend after that. And I respected him because he was going through hate. Yeah, real hate. In the mid-'70s, he would come back once a week with a black eye or a busted lip. He went to a bar in the village, and there'd be guys waiting for him on the way out. And I always respected that dude. Like, always respected him for that.

Remember fucking Greasy Tony? He used to drive once a month to New Jersey. Oh, Greasy Tony. And get coke cuts and fucking chicken cutlets. I miss him. Poor Greasy Tony.

Oh, yeah.

It's so wrong. There's nothing. Listen, I see it and it doesn't bother me.

Scott. No. The football player. Oh, yes. Scott. That's his first name. Now we got to work on his last name. God damn it. Scott.

No. That's going to drive me nuts. Somebody from Houston wouldn't know. Because I don't want to call somebody online and have to describe them. And then people go, oh, you described Scott.

How did he die? I don't know. Look at him with Craig Ferguson.

Always.

But here's the problem. Here's what I felt from Scott. Because I met him in Houston, and then we connected in L.A. in like 2000. When he hugged me, I didn't feel threatened. No, not at all. When Jeff Scott hugged me. Never. I never felt threatened. No, no, no, no, no, no. I have to. Eric Rocha, when he hugs me, the kid at the comedy store, I hug him with all my fucking heart.

Remember you said not to drink his Mountain Dew because he made it himself. He was out for two days. He used to make it. That was the strongest Mountain fucking Dew you could ever taste in your life. You were out for like a day.

And I don't even feel that type of shit. I never felt that.

I'm pretty sure that's the story. When do they give you blockers to sexual offenders? When do they give you that?

He had a $20 chicken cutlet sandwich. Phenomenal. 15 years ago, which weighed... Like, I was 400 pounds, and I would bring it home and try to finish it.

Yes, that's right, the trash can.

Like I said, it's a different world out there, my friend.

It was that thick. When I drove in yesterday... I'm like, this is how things change. I mean, we've been coming here since 95. I know I have, right? Yeah, I think 99 was my first time here. Yeah, I would do Houston and drive down here and do the lobby in the fucking Cap City when they had stand-up in the lobby. Oh, yeah, the little spot, yeah.

I still remember that, driving from fucking Houston down here, not having any money, having to drive back because we couldn't get a hotel room, drive back to Houston at the end of the night. And I was looking at this yesterday. Like, when I landed, it was 4 o'clock traffic. And I'm like, my God, this is how... We're watching how past civilizations just changed. Yes.

Oh, my God.

That's where the strike happened in Jersey, all over with the Teamsters, with the Longshoremen. Yes. Because they know it. They don't have much left. They don't have much time left. They don't have much time left. It's fucking crazy how industry has just dwindled in this country. I know. You know, and Americans really don't see that. See, because everybody's fucking into traveling and being cool.

The gift that I had from doing comedy was I really got to see the country. I really got to see the ins and outs. And when I was a feature actor, I would ask questions. You know, like when you don't sit in a hotel all day and you just go out and you go to a movie theater and you ask questions. And people tell you, oh, my God, that's a great restaurant. Go there.

You know, you look at cities like Cleveland. Okay, I don't know if a lot of people know this. Twenty years ago, with all the jokes and shit, Cleveland had more Puerto Ricans. than New York City. Really? Because there was a fucking car plant there. Oh. And they were building cars there.

You know, I remember being a fucking kid and going to Detroit for a basketball tournament or something stupid and seeing that city. It was 1976, 77. That city was fucking booming. Detroit was one of the richest cities in the world. Booming. It was the murder capital at the time. Was it still?

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Because when I met my buddy in the 80s, he was from Detroit. It was the murder capital. But 75, 76, that city was booming, bro. Yeah. You know, Buffalo, New York, booming. Fisher Price, all these other companies left. You know, that's what I saw. Cleveland, Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh Steel. Yep. I went to Pittsburgh two years ago. Half the shit was closed down, brother. Yeah. You know? Youngstown. Same thing. Youngstown. It was downtown Pittsburgh, like just around that area.

Something happened here and everybody moved here. Yep. And I'm not talking about four or five people. Everybody. Yeah. And that's how civilizations change. We just witnessed it after the pandemic. It's been fucking surreal.

Was it?

Tony told me. Tony's from this town. They have destroyed those parts of the country. Now, I don't know what happened in Nebraska. They could have had their own problems in Wyoming. I just know that little stretch. Buffalo, Cleveland, you know, fucking Cincinnati. All those towns that were booming have just disappeared. They got gutted. All the jobs went overseas.

So if you're going to bring this country back, it's got to start with that. We got to go back to that, that to make us strong again. And yeah, we're going to have to fucking sweat it out for 10 months. But you know what? Three years, 10 years ago, I fucking was getting those hundred all day movies. And I said, I'm not doing them anymore. For a year, I didn't work as an actor.

Then finally, I got a high-scale movie because I kept saying no to the low movies. That's how you lift up a little bit. That's how you bump up by just saying fucking no. We didn't want to do this all of a sudden, and we need to do this. We need to get this country hopping again. Hopping.

It has been surreal.

They're paying for this with your money. I'm paying for this with my money. Exactly. That was his fucking classic shit.

That guy fucking did something that a lot of people don't know. Yeah. And his employees got kidnapped in Iran, and he went in there and took them out, and he hired like a— like Marlon Brando from Apocalypse Now to train his employees. Really? Yeah, he was a retired colonel, some badass Vietnam. So it was his actual employees that went and got him out? Yeah, that's the story.

He trained, he made his employees. We're a family. Whoa. What's going on? And he made a promise to the people's families that he would have them back by Christmas, and he had them back by Christmas. Wow. And Kissinger kept giving them fucking a hard time. A bunch of people kept giving them a hard time. He did not give a fuck. He goes, I'm doing it. I gave those people my word.

His word was word, dog. How much money was he worth? Billions. Yeah, he was a billionaire. Back then?

I believe so.

Doug, what about the chief of police in my hotel that shit on his desk? Yeah, why'd he do that? I don't know.

was he proving a point what was that what was up with that man i heard he's a good dude but he's a prankster oh he's like a prankster type of dude he sends so he's like ari shafir yeah he sends like packages to your house and he's one of those dudes you know and uh i don't know that's i guarantee he was like a joke and they just blew up now it's national now you got nowhere to go oh my god do you see what ari did once we shoved the note up his ass and he it out on stage and read it

I don't want nobody to read a note out of their ass.

He's a fucking nut. He's so crazy. He has not stopped at all. Like, it has not ended. No. I'm going to his thing next week. He's never growing up. No, no, he's never growing up. It's not happening. But he's getting married, right? He got married or something like that? He's already married. He's got a little celebration. Yeah, I'm going to his party and shit. I don't even know what the fuck it is.

It's going to be a fucking carnival of psychopaths. Dog, I was telling you the other night I got really fucking high. I got home and I couldn't sleep. And I started watching old fights. I even watched a Pepino Cuevas fight. Oh, yeah. That dude was fast.

When was the last time there was a fight like this in Detroit? Well, Tommy's from Detroit. No, no, but I'm saying they don't even have fights like this in Detroit.

Yeah.

Oh, I watched it. That's what I was watching. I watched. Listen to the triple feature I watched. I watched Duran, Hagler, Hagler.

He got hit hard, too. It was non-fucking-stop.

Yeah, the greatest round of boxing. Look at this shit. Yep.

It's hilarious. I don't see one Italian. There's not one fucking Italian. That guy.

Wow. I didn't even know that shit. Yeah. That guy was my hero when I was a kid. And they didn't even make him like a shaft or anything. They made him go into like the fucking, I can see we put him with kind of the black.

Did you ever hear of those stories, like how interesting that is? The Sergio Leone movies? Well, I just saw something about it maybe eight months ago. There's a thing on Channel 11 in Jersey on a Saturday. It's called I Am. And every week they have somebody else on it. It's brilliant, Joe. I am Bruce Lee. I am this. I am that. It's just brilliant. And they had... Who were we just talking about?

Marvin Hagler. No, they had an IM about somebody. Oh, Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood. And it was how he would go and shoot the movies, and then they would send him the films, and he'd have to do ADR in L.A. Oh, really? Fucking interesting shit. I didn't know anything about this stuff.

When he shot the movies, he was just talking. So then when he'd get them after they'd put them together, he would lay the American in them. Oh, I see. And how he would send them back and they would send them back.

But you got to remember, listen, I'm a big fan of that era of movies. That's my era of movies, those people. And, dog, you know how I watched it the other night? You haven't seen this movie in 30 fucking years, none of years. When you put it on, you're gonna shit. One flew over the cuckoo's nest. I haven't seen that in forever. Dog, they got seven stars in that movie.

Like, you have Babbitt, Charlie Babbitt, Martini, fucking the guy from Jersey, what's his name, that was in Taxi, the little guy, he's still around?

Bro, look at that.

Oh, that's the dude. That's our boy. Yeah, yeah. The Outlaw Josie Wales. Yeah, jeez.

Yeah, that's jeez. And also my words of death. How the fuck? He made three movies. This, Outlaw Josie Wales, and fucking some other movie. He was in three fucking brilliant movies, that dude. Yeah, that guy was in a lot of movies. Bro, this movie is fucking hilarious. They'll make a bit of sense to me. This will never happen again.

And this movie starts politically incorrect. Like, they couldn't make this play like this. No. And I'm surprised they haven't tried to remake this movie.

Because he keeps getting aggravated. People annoy him.

You know how many TV shows Trump did over the years? I've seen him once a fucking month on something.

No, I get it.

But I was telling you that the people that I grew up liking, and so do you, that's what I liked about them, that they had to go somewhere else to become stars. And when they came back to the United States, they were like, we're fucking you in the ass now. That's Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, Steve McQueen, not as much. He just wanted to fuck everybody in the ass.

You know, Steve McQueen was just like, you're sucking my dick either way. I'm doing what I want. They don't even have that. Like, when was the last time you... The worst thing we've had in Hollywood in 20 years is when Brad Pitt made the movie with Angelina Jolie and he never came back. Like, poor Jennifer Aniston was waiting with flowers and slippers. That motherfucker never came back.

She's a temptress. The first one was when Steve McQueen Took that girl from the head of fucking. Oh, yeah. And then did a movie under his fucking nose. That is something that they will cancel you. They couldn't do nothing to him.

I don't know. But, no, they didn't do anything to Steve McQueen. Charles Bronson, same way. He was a prick on those movie sets. They wanted everything. They took everything, Joe. It just came up. We discussed it last time. They just got released as Steve McQueen writers from his movies.

Fucking insane. Yeah. His was insane. His suits had to be a certain cut. They had to cost a certain way. Well, he ain't wearing it, Steve McQueen.

Comics are like, yeah, I'm not going in there until I got my size 12s. You paid for it. What's the big deal? Yeah, they gave me some sneakers. No, you didn't. You bought those sneakers, stupid. It comes out of the price. Yeah, they think that, oh, they bought me sneakers because I'm special and shit.

Right, yeah, even though you're paying for it. Fuck that. I'll bring my own sneakers. I'll bring my own sneakers. I'm going to show up and there's a box of sneakers. Oh, you got me white sneakers. I'm not going to perform because that shit started happening. Oh, really? Yeah, people were like, I want black sneakers. Jordan, and all of a sudden they're white.

I ain't getting on stage until I get my black Jordans. Now they got to run around town. I've heard people turn limos back. Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

What is this bullshit? And who fucking drove you when you lived under that fucking bridge? Just get in the goddamn fucking car, cocksucker.

And that's what happens in that fucking town in Hollywood. And people go, okay, no, go fuck yourself. You want that, bring it yourself. And once you start doing that, listen, I understood what you said before about Austin, and it makes sense to me now. It's like the day I took my daughter to school and there was moms hugging trees in Studio City crying.

If I was a redneck, I'd show up with a shotgun that day and just shoot it and watch those moms just fly. That's where the guns keep the liberals in check. Okay? That's when you come in and go, you want to hug trees? Boom! And fucking start shooting off. Dog, they were hugging trees. Right in front of the school where my daughter and Birch went. Why were they hugging trees?

Because they were going to cut the trees down. We went to the school and the cops were there and women were hugging the trees, holding each other's hands, crying. This is why I had to get the fuck out of there. Crying. And that's where a guy with a gun would have been perfect. A big fucking gun. You guys like trees so much. Boom.

And those bitches would have been running to that fucking coffee shop crying. They didn't know what happened. Fuck those trees, Jack. That's what you need, a gun in California to tell these motherfuckers, shut the fuck up. You go on Facebook now, and I see people I used to hang with in California, and they're talking about other people. Everybody's so talented and everything's so gracious.

And to work with such a great bunch of talented individuals, thank God they've let my creative juices work. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? I don't need to smack you now or smack you later. It's so much. Very pretentious. Very. And that's what I don't miss any, listen, at all. When I watch it in a movie now, I can't even stand small talk.

Like that's what I didn't even know what small talk was. You know, it was like the night you did a show. I'm talking to you about before Fear Factor. You did a show maybe at the Wooltern.

one night and we left a bunch of people there and they circled you like Ann Maney and a bunch of other people and they were talking to you about a deal or something and it was like oh my god your set was so great and you're supposed to stand there like thank you I fucking hate that shit yeah they love kissing people's ass we loved it oh my god Mimi and I loved it Mimi Victoria and I loved it we're so happy you invited us and you have to sit there and go come on knock it the fuck off

That was in the deal days.

Yeah, well, they'd come up to you and talk to you.

Newt's radio's on at 8 o'clock. It's everywhere. My kids watch it. I watch it. They think it's hilarious. I watched my favorite episode a couple weeks ago when he was playing the piano on the fucking Phil Harmon. He was playing the piano on the elevator and it kept opening.

That was a very good show. It was just... I know that you told me over the years that they kept moving you and never found a home or something like that.

You know what the real problem is out there? Let me tell you what the real problem is. I didn't realize it until I fucking left. What? That everybody's too busy tapping themselves on the back.

We were like on the verge of being canceled. I know you're watching some good shows now. Yeah. I'm watching one show. What are you watching? There's some people who are dangerous, and then there's Helen Mirren. What are you watching? Oh, the 1923 show? Both of them. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I have not seen that yet. The Italian mafia movies, they're done. Really? Yeah, they're done. De Niro just put Alto Nights Out. They took it out of the movie theater in two fucking weeks. He put what out? He put a movie called Alto Nights Out, where he plays two roles. He plays Frank Costello and somebody else, or Vito Genovese. I don't know exactly.

I think that... Listen, you're not going to ban a movie because of his political beliefs. No, but people are going to take him seriously because of his political beliefs. Well, the way he acted, he dropped some people. Okay, and I get it, but... To make $2 million your first week? That's not good. And then like $3 million after that. And then they just yanked it. I tried to go just to watch it.

When the fires happen, those three women or whatever the fuck, the chief and whatever, I'm looking at them and I'm like, look at them. They all got gel in their hair. They all got a tattoo on their neck. God forbid. God forbid they can't be cool for just one fucking minute. God forbid. And that's the problem you have out there. It's too many people. I'm so great.

It's called Alto Nights? Have you heard of it, Jamie? Nobody. Came and went. Came and fucking went.

That looks good. I'd watch that. The movie is not bad.

I think that we're so out of going to the movies every Friday. Like you said, nobody knew it came out. I didn't even know it came out. Well, COVID killed the movie theaters. Oh, it's a shame.

Annoying. Not a soul. I've never seen anything like that. I usually go to the last screening on Thursday night. Not a soul. I mean, most movie theaters, people are polite.

I can't believe it.

I won't go see a popular movie. I'm not a top-rated like that. I like to go and see. I see a movie, I go, you know what, I want to go watch that. Some movies I could watch at home. Now I want to watch the fucking thing. Anything with 3D, like Wicked or whatever, I go. I take my mushrooms. I take my daughter. I sit there. She enjoys it, and I fucking have a great time. Wicked was great.

Wicked was great. The only thing was don't go on mushrooms. No? I was so fucked up. The chick is black and green. I couldn't deal with that right off the bat. Where's the black people? Raise your hand. What the fuck? I feel like a racist in here. She can't be black and she can't be green. Then Ariana with no eyebrows. That killed me. She had like those blind eyebrows.

I'm on fucking mushrooms and this movie won't end.

This is my idea and it's great and it's going to work. It's not working. You're right. But you're too stupid to say, you know what? This ain't working. Their egos are so big, they don't have the heart to go, this ain't working. You're right.

My wife watches that. It's a British spy drama. She says it's fucking tremendous.

Tremendous. Really good show. Uh, I've been watching the one with Jon Hamm. Which one? He has a show, Jon Hamm, where he becomes a thief in a rich neighborhood. Oh, really? He loses his job.

Yeah, there's too many fucking shows.

I watched that movie with Demi Moore, where they...

It's a movie? That is the weirdest fucking movie I've seen in years.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because they were looking for vehicles or something I saw last week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've watched it. I love it.

You know, it's a shame that, I don't know, maybe before the pandemic had started with, like, really bad movies. It's just a shame, you know? It really is a shame that we got to wait for shows this long. Like, fucking... There's so much to watch, though. Yeah, The Addams Family never came back with Jenna Garcia. Was it supposed to come back? Yeah. The Addams...

Netflix never... And I worked with one of the dudes and he goes, yeah, we already shot it. It's still fucking been like three years. By the time it comes back, my kid's going to fucking not even remember. Oh, she didn't even remember it anyway.

I've never heard anything again. Huh.

That doesn't make any sense. Netflix is off the... You know, they don't know. They just... Netflix has so much fucking shit on there. They have so much. So much. If I see one more Pablo Escobar thing... If you watch a murder thing one time, forget it.

That fucking thing that night when everything fell apart, that was a bad night. Which night? When the ball dropped. Not this card, but the one before that, when the pay-per-views, when all the disasters started. It was about pay-per-views one night, that nobody was getting the pay-per-view. Oh, right.

Yes, the app failed. It was too overwhelming for the UFC, I think. Because shit happens.

I don't think you were working that one.

It partially went down. I couldn't order the card. Oh. It was a bunch of shit going on. Then I went on Twitter and I saw Frankie Egg and a bunch of other guys, fighters, saying, what the fuck is wrong with mine? I'm like, okay, it's not just me. And then I heard the riffraff that night and then the next day they were talking about it and then Monday, Dana was hot. I know he did something.

He said something about it.

There's always one good fight that I want to watch on the undercard. I'm going to watch the undercard. Always. Two fights or something.

And then you guys start talking about the fights and then you get –

He looks like... He choked him with a shot of darts?

I think the guy that led that for me was GSP. Oh, yeah. I was always very impressed with how every fight he showed up with something different. Yeah. While his opponent was still like, yeah, GSP's got skills, but I still got this right hand. Okay. Bro, he was always learning. He was always learning. He was in the city with the kickboxing guy. He was over in... Phil Nurse. Yeah, Phil Nurse.

Wild Card, he would go over there. Yep, go to Wild Card, change boxing. Remember when he fought, I think it was Josh Koczek? And he was jabbing. Was that the fight where he fucking broke the jab out and he had trained at Wild Card?

I remember that. I remember all that shit. And that's what I liked about him. His training was all... Another time, you know, you're watching and he's doing gymnastics. Yeah. Where's gymnastics and all this play a game?

Unbelievable. Swimming. Fucking doing this, doing that. And meanwhile, you're still going, well, my jujitsu game. is elevated. This motherfucker just went and worked out every part of his game, but focused on just one, really. You know what's really crazy about him?

I am not impressed with your performance. That was one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, that became like a meme before memes. I was not impressed with your performance.

Would you ever consider going back to Taekwondo now? No. No. Just going to a school once a week and just going in there with a bunch of guys and throwing some kicks and shit. I work out on my own. No, no, you're not feeling me. What do you mean? Anybody can work out on their own. Could you imagine now? Like, I've been thinking about it. There's a purple belt at my jiu-jitsu school. He's 68.

Oh, wow. He came from a fucking Shotokan karate background. And he goes, I teach in the Bronx every Wednesday night. He goes, this was my school. I sold it, but I still go up there on Wednesdays. Come with me sometime. I'm like, how cool would that be? That would be cool to take a class. That's what I'm saying. One time a week. Like something that you, what's the?

As long as you didn't have to spar. No, no, no, no. But you do those, you know, like when you do Taekwondo. One step. One step, like those little chic they run, I think they call, where I throw a punch. Yeah, it's drills. And that's what you need. You're not going to fucking spar and go crazy.

People are flow rolling. People are selling it more. Even Tom DeBlas is like, dog, listen. It's a way to get better. It's really the way to get better. But the problem is you've got to keep a motherfucker flowing. And that's the problem, that after a while you're like, and also the next thing you know it's not a flow anymore. Right, now you're going to try to catch up. And that's the problem.

It always starts off with a flow for a minute and a half, and then it goes off the fucking reservation.

Yeah, yeah. They have a good time.

You know, it's weird that I'm older and I love doing crazy shit. Like, I love it. I don't have much in the daytime no more. So I'll try to catch a boxing class or jujitsu and all that shit. And jujitsu's the toughest one for me. Like, I haven't been to jujitsu since November because I've been sick. You know, I had a bunch of problems. And I was on antibiotics.

I was having a hard time fucking breathing. But I can't wait to go back. But now I'm going to go back and do it a little bit differently. Flow. Flow. A lot more flow. And there's one guy that'll flow with me. He's a cop. And drilling more. If you have a blue belt class, it's basically a lot of drilling. That's great. You fucking burn a lot of calories in there. Drilling is so important.

But you have to go... In the daytime, they roll a little bit more. At night, the classes are so shut that you don't have time to roll that long. So I would rather drill a long time and then roll once and get the fuck out of it. That's perfect for me. And even with boxing, when I go box, I don't fucking... Go crazy. I hit the speed bag a little bit, two rounds, and I hit the bag that moves around.

That burns a ton of calories. Then I hit the hard bag, and I'm out of there. Seven, eight, three-minute rounds, and I'm good.

I love it. I love the earphones. And I'll tell you what else I got into now that I'm older. What? Because when I went to that hospital, it taught me a lot, Joe. It reminded me that I wasn't a kid no more. Like, we fuck around, and we have a good time, and we think we're bad motherfuckers, but... You want to stay healthy. Yeah.

Ever since I come out of the hospital a month ago, everything's fucking changed.

I like that blood thing they did. Yes. What's that called?

Vitamin IV? No, that was a little one. It wasn't a big IV.

I see him a lot, you know. Yeah. I see him every Wednesday.

Yeah, every Wednesday we meet up and do a podcast.

What were these people talking about last night at the club? They go on ChatGPT or some shit? You don't know what that is? No.

One of the greatest episodes. You were talking to me a couple weeks ago. We were talking about you watched the Gleason interview on 60 Minutes. Yes, yes. You know I watch The Honeymooners every Saturday. Do you really? Every Saturday at midnight. I don't have time for anything else. I got to be home by midnight on Saturdays, okay?

And then the reason why I said Swanee River to you is that is one of the best episodes that Gleason ever did. He was going on the... $95,000 question, and you have to go up levels, and they ask you questions. He picked music. So he had his buddy, Norton, get all the sheet music, and Norton would play music for him and go, who is this?

And he would have to say, and then the Italian lady, Miss Manicotti, would come down. It was a great episode. But there's one scene where Norton would play, and he'd go, Norton, why the fuck do you... Here it is. Why the fuck do you play this? Watch this.

All right, now go to the end so Joe can see it. So he goes.

Look at his face, man.

Yeah, you belong here. Every time I come down here, I see something else. Like, I had a great time last night. Joe DeRosa's here now, too. That's what I heard. Yeah, he just moved here.

What's the book I read where he taught Richard Pryor how to smoke pot, like how to hide it? They did a movie, The Toy, right? Didn't they do The Toy? He taught him how to hide it. Yeah, because Richard Pryor lit a joint up one day, and he's like, what are you doing? Come on, you got to have some class. How do you hide it? You know, under your hand. Oh. Mix it with the cigar.

Richard was smoking it out, and Jackie Gleason goes, what are you doing, man? Come on. Nice. Smoke it like this. Richard Pryor's like, this motherfucker taught me how to smoke a joint. So he would tuck it away. And he was 20 years older than him. Yeah. You know, Jack Gleeson was a fucking beast, man.

Like Vito's lover in The Sopranos. Remember he was a fireman?

No.

We've got to assume there's something out there, whether or not...

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, they've been here.

The way I think about it is, listen, since I'm a kid, we're talking about Martians and aliens, right? Since I'm fucking six, seven, I've been hearing about this. The moon landing was in 69, so I was six. So it started after that. Like, I heard more and more about it. So what you mean to tell me is in 55 years we haven't found out more information about it? We know. We know what's going on.

We know. NASA's not stupid. They know something's out there. They play with us a little bit from time to time. But there's something out there, my friend.

They know.

And those old-timers didn't need a, what's that when you have to sign something? NDA? NDA, like that. Whatever the fuck. There was no NDAs back then. There was no NDAs back then. So there was something to it.

There was something to it. You know, you got that place in New Mexico. You got Hudson County, what we discussed before with the Martians landing. You have all these places that have a higher volume. I wonder what's number two in UFO sightings. I wonder what's number one. What's number one? Is it Hudson Valley? Yeah, Hudson Valley by the George Washington Bridge, that whole thing. That's crazy.

That's number one.

A lot happens in the ocean. That ocean is stronger than what you fucking think. Yeah. I love going to a beach and just sitting on the beach and watching the ocean.

Aliens and whatnot. And whatnot, yeah. You know, I feel that we know we're just not going to, you know, it's like everything else, man. We know who shot Kennedy. We're not going to release it. You know, we're going to play with us. That's what they do. I think that they would be, I think even after all the alien talk and everything, I think Americans couldn't really handle it.

It's a different life form. I think when they came here, maybe somebody painted them as green or whatever. Me... I feel that if they're here, they walk around looking like us. They're a more intelligent life source. Like the movie Cocoon. Right. That's in my mind. And to just... I'm the type of guy, I'll talk to you about... Or Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Yeah, Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

I'm the type of guy, I'll talk to you about it. But just talking to you just now about somebody, the government telling me that aliens exist, it would knock me down because I know they do. Right. But not really. But not really. But not really. I know they do, but not really. And that's, I think, with everything.

So it would even shock me a little bit to find out. But I think that, yeah, cocoon type people.

But I guarantee we do see things that we think is something else and it's a UFO. Yeah. Yeah. I could see that happening also.

2007, I think.

You know, when I lived in Boulder, I got into a hole one time. I was talking to some guy, and he was talking to me about mermaids. Oh, God. At a coffee shop. And it drove me fucking crazy. It drove me so crazy. I didn't have a computer back then, but I actually had to go to the library, and I went down a hole.

And maybe 10 years ago, I went online one night and got high and was reading about mermaids.

Right, but weren't they actually spotted in the 1800s somewhere?

That's okay. That's not my problem. I'm not looking to have sex with a chick.

Come on.

God damn it. You just ruined everything. God damn it.

That's why you gotta love the 80s. Animals. That's why you gotta love the 80s, because two guys actually went into the studio and go, look, we got a movie about a fucking guy who falls in love with a mermaid. And the guy's like, come on, how are you going to do that? And all of a sudden it's fucked. Let me tell you something, that's another good movie.

Did you see that fucking prison where they took him, Nicaragua, whatever that place? It's in El Salvador. El Salvador, where they house him, 40 in the cell. That's crazy. That's fucking insanity. It's crazy. That's insanity, brother.

Do you remember the kid from Houston? Which one? The guy that used to always wear football shirts. Yes. Did he die? He passed away. That was my brother.

They took a handful of people that had weird tattoos and stuff like that. That's what I've heard, but I don't really know the truth. No, you don't know the truth.

Where's his police record?

Let me see his police record. If the guy has a tattoo and he's got no police record and he's got a family and a wife and blah, blah. It's like, remember when we used to take me for chicken? Which place? By your old house. 20 years ago, you used to always invite me for chicken. Oh, chicks.

No credit cards. Yeah, no credit cards. That's what killed him. So think about this. What if he had that for 20 years? Great guy, because I always went up there with you, and he was very nice to us. Yes, great guy. What if they came and got him because he didn't have a green card? Uh, he was a legal citizen. No, no, no. But he was legal? He was legal. He was legal.

I loved him.

Okay.

With the little hat on. You're going to remember his name. And he'd come up to you and give you a hug all the time.

Before I send them back- Actually, I think he was more than second generation. Yeah, I want to make sure that this guy had roots in the community.

But it's not over a fucking tattoo. No. It's due process.

That's crazy. Yeah. I can't throw somebody back in a fucking prison like that. just because of a tattoo. I got to see something. I got to see something. He did something to disrupt the system.

Now, in 85, I lived in San Francisco, and I teamed up with a bunch of Cubans that came in 79. The Mario boat lived. And, you know, you went over there every day, and I had to buy the old guy, the guy that ran the corner, I had to buy him a little bottle of rum, a half pint, and he would let you operate your game, whatever your game was, selling weed, whatever.

Did he talk about being gay on stage? No, but he told me he was gay all the time. Oh, yeah. Well, he was gay as fuck. He would go to those army things just to fuck men.

But my point of the story is that I remember this specifically. From the time I got there to the time I left, there was probably 80 Cubans on the block. Maybe 20 of them got arrested. In those days, you got arrested. You got deported the following week. If you got arrested. They put you in jail. If you didn't have paperwork or you came in that Cuban thing, they would take you, right?

Immigration would come get you within 72 fucking hours and you'd be right back in Cuba and Fidel would shoot you.

Yes.

I was worried when they came to Jersey. I didn't go out that week. I didn't do much. I'm a Diaz.

Always football jerseys.

Yeah. Yeah. Take me back.

That's crazy. And on this hall, this ice hall, listen, you're picking up I don't know how many thousands of people, correct? How many people did they pick up on this hall? I do not know. I do not know. Dog, you're going to have a couple clerical errors. Listen, even the computer will pick them. You know, it's just a clerical error.

But there's also – Just be big enough to say we made a clerical error. Don't keep saying that I know you're a gang member because you got a fucking tattoo on.

No, I loved him to death. He just hung out with us. I loved that dude to death. It didn't even matter to me that he was... Listen, that's never mattered to me. You got to remember, I was a Judas Priest fan in high school. That dude's as gay as hell. First time I saw him... Nobody knew. Isn't that funny? I fucking knew in 79. Nobody comes out with a little hat with a whip.

He was such a fucking— Hi, Los Angelinos.

Due process has been my problem since all this shit started. And it started with even the cancer culture. Okay, due process. You got to come at me and let me know everything. Just because you opened up your mouth. I said that 22 years ago at a party. I kissed you. I tried to kiss you. That ain't good enough. That just ain't good enough. Well, I went home and called my girlfriend Diane.

We'll get her on the fucking stand too. But I believe in due process. I'll do whatever time you want me to do. Prove that I did it. Just don't open up your fucking mouth. Absolutely.

You know, I saw him at the Palladium. I'm like, that dude is gay. Oh, my God. Did you ever read... You just have to try to read his book. Really? Jimmy Florentine gave it to me. You have to try to read it. Is it crazy? I'll just tell you one story. There was a guy in Chicago, like a stylist. They used to tell him he wanted dick. Always bust. You know those people, those women? Come on, Joe.

Yeah, I've heard of that. Where college students are doing it?

And that could just be a woman who owns a fucking fruit stand and a Mexican owns a fruit stand down the corner. And she could just call and go, listen, this guy's illegal.

Who cares?

I hit the bonus.

Agreed.

You don't want to play games with people. Well, I think even on ticket quotas, there's a percentage that they know they're going to get beat on it.

If I give you 10 tickets, eight of them are going to be good. Two of them are going to be, he's going to come in with an attorney and fight this. The wind was blowing and, you know.

You're right. If they don't use it, that's right, the budget goes down. Yeah, the budget goes down. They call that something. What is it called?

I don't know. What is it called?

Come on. You know. And you're like, come on. It's never going to happen. And he said finally he got pissed off one day. And he took the guy up on his offer. He goes, I fucked him so hard I blew out his O-ring. I had to go to the hospital. I'm reading this card. This is my type of fucking guy.

Taking a vitamin. It's called CardioNad. I'm taking something else that's called like colon. They gave it to me after my lung thing. And my lung feels a lot better. You know what the doctor told me when he told me to take the one supplement? What? They took it off the market during COVID. Why'd they do that? Because it's such a great lung supplement.

Like, I feel a lot better since I've been on it for five weeks. They took this off the internet and everything. They shut down their website for three years. Oh, my God.

It's crazy what's going on in the world today, my friend.

That's it. I don't get involved in none of that shit. It doesn't bother me.

I'm scared for my daughter and the future. Everything else, I got to fucking take a chance every goddamn day. You know what I'm saying? Yes.

That's your question? Yeah. What the fuck's it got to do with me? I don't give a fuck about the Japs.

I know, I know, I know. We don't have to worry about it. This is fucking too much. You're right, you're right. This is the first podcast I've done that I'm scared. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck is wrong with you? You're right. Enough with this shit. You're right. And politics enough. COVID is over. If you took the fucking needle, fuck you.

If you didn't, now they just found out the fucking flu shot don't work. I could have told you that 25 fucking years ago.

Come on, man. And I'm a GED type of fucking motherfucker. So knock it off. I hate all this shit. I'm scared.

The fuck? I'm scared, too. Yeah, about Japanese. Listen, man, that's what the problem is. We're worrying about this is what the Internet fucked us. That's true. This is why we have retards walking around believing everything, because I forgot what I was going to tell you. The Internet fucked us. The Internet fucked us. It's too much information. It's like this.

I was in the hospital, and I get on a fucking elevator, and there's two or three doctors, you know, Half a fag's in my world, okay? And they're like, oh, my God, we can't wait till the Kennedy report comes out. Well, how is it going to make a difference in your world? It's like these idiots with the Epstein list. How is it going to make a difference in your world if Tom Hanks is on that list?

I'll tell you. Do you not have to go to work tomorrow? Do you have to do all the same shit? That shit doesn't matter to me. I don't give a fuck. Who's on the Epstein list? I don't give a fuck who went to Diddy's house. It's got nothing to do with me. But in today's world, because of the internet, it makes us think it's got something to do with us. It had nothing to do with me, man. It's a show.

That's what it is. What's a fucking show? I don't want to watch that show. So now I got to wait here 60 years. We've been watching the same footage. He got hit. It clocked back. You know, Lee Harvey out. But now we want to really fuck with these fucking peanut nimble-headed dummies. Well, I want to see what's on there. Then two days later, the Jews did it. Believe me.

Just worry about paying your fucking credit card bills, you fucking idiot. That's what you should worry about. Did you see what happened this year in this country? Fucking millionaires are selling off fucking property to pay taxes to get capital. Are you fucking kidding me? And people were worried about the fucking Epstein list.

Like, how is it going to change your life who fucking Tom Hanks is fucking in the ass? Who does it matter? And do you really care? At the end of the day, do you really care about that 16-year-old girl? No, you don't. So shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. It's just a fucking show. It's a show. It's a show. It's like I told you about L.A.

What's that fucking show with the crazy stoner guy, Seth Rogen? Oh, I haven't seen it. The studio, okay? Not a bad show. Not a bad show at all. But I was watching that show, and it let me realize what I hated. Short, small talk. That shit we were talking about before where people just like, well, the other day a contractor came over. I love this guy. Came over to my house, going to do the garage.

And there was a moment of 10 minutes that it was him and his son and me and my wife. And we're just standing there. And it just takes one guy to go, all right, back to work, everybody. Because if not, we'll sit there for three hours. So how did it feel? Great. How was your trip? How was the hospital stay? Listen, it doesn't fucking matter how my hospital stay was.

Get in your truck, get the fuck out of here, and I'll get the fuck out of here. I go my way. You know, my wife, I hate her around when people come over. Because she always throw that curveball in. Like, tell them to look at the room. No, they don't need to look at the fucking room. Leave them in the fucking garage. If not, you're going to confuse these motherfuckers.

You got to assume everybody is confused. You go to a restaurant, you get something wrong. Everybody is not cooking on fucking, you know. It's something I've never seen before. Every time I go somewhere, I'm like, how can they be that stupid? How can they not do this? You go to CVS, there's... Anywhere you go, it's like they're not even training people anymore.

No. He never left the town. No. He fell apart at high school. And here's the weirdest thing about Judas Priest. What? His writing. That's what I fucking died about, his writing. Because he would write, and you're thinking he's writing about a woman. He's writing about assholes. He's writing about a man. And he has a song called Burning Up that is so fucking over the top. I know you feel the same.

They're not even training people anymore. You know, you go to... I went somewhere the other day. I was at the mall. My daughter was on... I go to P.F. Chang's. P.F. Chang's, those type of restaurants, they used to train people. For two weeks, you don't get paid. You're in there learning shit.

It's not like a regular restaurant where they're like, follow Joe Rogan around for a day and then fucking come back tomorrow and you're on your own. Dog, nobody's fucking... They don't know anything. These young kids today don't know anything. Nothing.

They don't care. My friend was telling me his son's got a license for two years. He's home every night. We got a license. We left the house before we had the license. We were driving to New Hampshire. Yeah, we had the car before we had the fucking license. Yeah. But listen, I went to a comedy show and a guy, a comedian, was talking about kids. And I'm like, I'm not going to do that no more.

Because that's all of us. We all talk about when I was fucking 40. Right. When I was 28, you know, I did this and I did that. Right. But these kids today are different and I've accepted it. I've accepted it in my neighborhood. When I went back, I was pissed for a few fucking months. How come? Because there's no kids playing. There's kids all over my fucking street.

And my little cult is back there. I got like eight fucking kids. Mr. Softy comes. We're the only ones out there. Four in the afternoon. Where are the fucking kids?

Nah, there's a lot of safe neighborhoods where kids don't play. Our neighborhood wasn't that safe, but in unity there is strength.

It's the fucking cell phone. That too. It's the cell phone and the computer. That too. It's so many things, but I don't have a problem with it no more. That's what I'm trying to say to you. It's who they are now. It's who they are. You know, I was reading something. I just put this together. It's the truth.

Remember a couple, maybe a year ago, they were talking about how low testosterone are in these people?

They don't run. They don't jump.

So what do you think testosterone levels are going to be?

They're crack. They're crack. I just never felt the need to sit there on a fucking computer. And shoot at people. I'd rather shoot at people for real. I'd rather steal a car for real or roll a fucking drug dealer.

I know you feel the flame burning deep inside of you. Burning you up. It's called chlamydia. Breaking you down. breaking you out in a cold sweat. But when you lose control of your very soul, your desire takes over. You'll feel the heat wave. You'll answer my way, and suddenly you'll know that you're burning up. Ooh. That is a bad month. When I heard that, I'm like, oh.

Weren't you a model guy?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With the brick wall and all that.

Yeah, I used to paint them and the whole thing. That's the only thing that kept me in when I was a kid. That was fun. Until one day my mom goes, stop painting those fucking things. Get out of the fucking house. How much paint fumes were we just fucking getting in our bodies as little kids?

You got one to go for me? Yeah, of course. I have one to go.

Fuck use both.

That affected something.

And what's the pros and cons of this shit? I don't think there's any pros. It's all cons. This is not good. The one we just did now is just a higher strength of the stuff they used to put in your nose. It's the same stuff.

Now, if you get knocked out and put that on them, what happens?

Oh, my God. And I got this fucking Loris, not Loris Fishburne. Who's the other guy? The guy I like a lot. He's in The Godfather of Harlem. Forrest Whitaker. Forrest Whitaker. I got this Forrest Whitaker eye now.

Yeah, right here. Over this. I got to put like scotch tape over this.

It's like that Hicks joke about, you know, when you smoke cigarettes, they're on the side of labels. Oh, yeah.

I can live with that. Just pick the ones you like.

Yeah, people blasting themselves. That's hilarious. What's going on for Jersey? Who's on that card, Kyla, against the Venezuelans?

It's like a satellite.

It has been brutal for me. Brutal. And when I eat mushrooms, I got to pee every 20 fucking minutes. Why? And if I'm in a car, I got to pull over and pee. And I got to make sure I'm not in the sexual fucking territory. Like, I don't pee at close to schools, churches, fucking parks. Because then they throw you under the bus for sexual whatever. And you got to be careful.

This is 1980. This is on a hell-bent for leather tour.

But, dog, I'm in a world where some weeks are better than others. I don't get up at night to pee. But in the daytime, especially if I work out and I start drinking that water and drinking that water, oh, baby. I got to start peeing, and when I got sick, this was the beauty of it. Every time I had to pee, I'd get anxiety. I would get a panic attack. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom to walk.

I was peeing my pants on the way to the fucking bathroom, Joe. You have no idea. The last week of February, when I went to the hospital in March, that was possibly that Saturday night. My blood pressure was 212 over 100, and my oxygen level was at 86. And I wouldn't go to the hospital because I didn't want the ambulance coming to get me at 4 in the morning in front of my daughter.

So I waited until 8, and then I drove myself to the hospital. I was fucked up, bro. Wow. That was a fucked up couple months, man. I didn't know what was going on. And what did they determine it was? It was... heart, congenitive heart failure, when you have fluid in your lungs, edema, whatever, I was retained. Bro, I went, I walk around, right now I'm 278.

Like a month. And I wasn't eating in the hospital, nothing. What were you eating? Was it like Italian food? Like what did I eat so big? No, I was just retaining water. Edema is when you retain water. Oh. Like big time water. That much water? Oh, my God, Joe. And my lungs was getting the water, so I couldn't breathe.

And then when I would not, it got to, it became, it went from me just having to stop. Like if I would walk from here, I wouldn't make it to your bathroom. Couldn't make it to your bathroom. I would have to stop in between and take like a five minute breath. Meanwhile, holding my pee in. Oh, Jesus. And your fucking stress levels going up and up because you're holding your fucking pee in.

It got to the point I would walk into the shop where I get what I had to get, but now I got to stand there. Because I got to fucking pee from the walking. Oh, no. And the bathroom's a mile away. There's no walking. You just take your dick out and pee. There's no even. Oh, my God. In those days, it wasn't even getting the container from the car because I started bringing the container in the car.

There was no time. You just get out, open the car door, and make believe you're waving at somebody. And you take your dick out and you're peeing. I make believe like I'm getting something from the back of the car. The whole time I'm peeing. Oh, wow. Yeah, man. So as soon as I went in, they put me on these fucking things for three days, and I lost like 20 pounds of fluid. It was fucking amazing.

I was peeing one of those full things, one an hour. Really? Couldn't even make it to the bathroom. I would just get up and fucking pee in it and fill it up. And then they did a nuclear blood test. And they had to take out, I don't know, fucking six tubes of blood in 45 minutes. And that's when they came back and they go, you got 65%. You're overloaded on fluid in your body.

I'm coming to get your booty.

With my tongue, yes.

That's hilarious, dude.

So embarrassing.

Manterrupting.

I sent a video of hers to Sickler. He goes, the funniest part is that I see that you follow her. I was like, yeah, every day she's just like, ah, look at my tongue. They're sending radioactive waves into my apartment.

That's his landlord. Yikes. That's his landlord.

He's a worker.

Right.

Yeah. You got it. You don't.