John Ballen

And I have this moment where I can't pull the tourniquets off of my kit that are rubber banded to my chest for quick access to stop the bleeding. But I was so weak and like losing my vision. We're in the middle of this gunfight, I couldn't get them off.

And I have this moment where I can't pull the tourniquets off of my kit that are rubber banded to my chest for quick access to stop the bleeding. But I was so weak and like losing my vision. We're in the middle of this gunfight, I couldn't get them off.

And I realized as I'm sitting in this alleyway in the middle of this like horrible place in Afghanistan, like the town was very kinetic and dangerous. And I'm waiting to either be shot by the enemy, who we know is on the other side of the wall that could be coming around, or I'm going to bleed to death, or there are RPGs being fired blindly in our direction. It's like I'm about to die, 100%.

And I realized as I'm sitting in this alleyway in the middle of this like horrible place in Afghanistan, like the town was very kinetic and dangerous. And I'm waiting to either be shot by the enemy, who we know is on the other side of the wall that could be coming around, or I'm going to bleed to death, or there are RPGs being fired blindly in our direction. It's like I'm about to die, 100%.

I'm actively bleeding out, or I'm going to be shot. And all that was running through my head, there was a couple thoughts. There was one that was kind of funny now, which was I was like, hmm, I wonder if my obituary will say Jonathan Allen killed in action, John Allen killed in action. So that was going through my head.

I'm actively bleeding out, or I'm going to be shot. And all that was running through my head, there was a couple thoughts. There was one that was kind of funny now, which was I was like, hmm, I wonder if my obituary will say Jonathan Allen killed in action, John Allen killed in action. So that was going through my head.

But I also, in addition to that, I had this really acute sadness that I hadn't started a family yet. I didn't have kids. I was married. We've been married for several years. And my wife and I, we'd sort of talked about having kids before that deployment. But we were like, oh, we'll have time. And I'm sitting there in this alley bleeding to death or expecting to be shot to death.

But I also, in addition to that, I had this really acute sadness that I hadn't started a family yet. I didn't have kids. I was married. We've been married for several years. And my wife and I, we'd sort of talked about having kids before that deployment. But we were like, oh, we'll have time. And I'm sitting there in this alley bleeding to death or expecting to be shot to death.

I'm at the end of my life. And it was like, holy shit. I wish I had a child. Yes, that's horrible for the kid. They lost their dad. But like that was a box for me. I wanted a family. What was the first thing I did when I survived this and got home? We started a family. So it's like that's sort of an extreme example.

I'm at the end of my life. And it was like, holy shit. I wish I had a child. Yes, that's horrible for the kid. They lost their dad. But like that was a box for me. I wanted a family. What was the first thing I did when I survived this and got home? We started a family. So it's like that's sort of an extreme example.

But I do really believe that a lot of people have boxes that are going to go unchecked. But to your point also – Just try to do it and fail. And believe it or not, you actually checked the box.

But I do really believe that a lot of people have boxes that are going to go unchecked. But to your point also – Just try to do it and fail. And believe it or not, you actually checked the box.

It was not immediately after, but basically between that and some mental issues I was having, I was pushed to see a psychologist. This is like years after. So 2014, that injury happens. I survive, obviously. And I ended up getting surgery to sort of like my shoulder was banged up and I got fixed up enough to deploy again. But I was just not fit to serve.

It was not immediately after, but basically between that and some mental issues I was having, I was pushed to see a psychologist. This is like years after. So 2014, that injury happens. I survive, obviously. And I ended up getting surgery to sort of like my shoulder was banged up and I got fixed up enough to deploy again. But I was just not fit to serve.

Physically, I was really struggling to keep up. I had some issues with my shoulders and my knees. I have shrapnel in my leg. But ultimately, I was recommended to a psych in the military because they're like, dude, you are not like a sane person. Things are not going well for you. Like close friends of mine just sort of said, I don't think this is working out. And I was very angry.

Physically, I was really struggling to keep up. I had some issues with my shoulders and my knees. I have shrapnel in my leg. But ultimately, I was recommended to a psych in the military because they're like, dude, you are not like a sane person. Things are not going well for you. Like close friends of mine just sort of said, I don't think this is working out. And I was very angry.

I had like – now I can say it. It's like I had very stereotypical or whatever you want to call it, PTSD. Like I had not dealt with the near-death experience in Afghanistan and sort of how that went. And so I ended up going for a medical retirement, which was driven in part by the physical injuries but also by like mentally I wasn't there.

I had like – now I can say it. It's like I had very stereotypical or whatever you want to call it, PTSD. Like I had not dealt with the near-death experience in Afghanistan and sort of how that went. And so I ended up going for a medical retirement, which was driven in part by the physical injuries but also by like mentally I wasn't there.

So I get medically retired at the end of 2017, and I never really had a plan. It's like I knew I was going to get medically retired, which just means you're going to get out, and there's going to be this amount of money you get paid. It's a retirement. It's not really enough to live on realistically. You're going to have to have a job.

So I get medically retired at the end of 2017, and I never really had a plan. It's like I knew I was going to get medically retired, which just means you're going to get out, and there's going to be this amount of money you get paid. It's a retirement. It's not really enough to live on realistically. You're going to have to have a job.