John Mulaney

Oh.

I work at the coin-op laundromat putting those mini things of Tide into the vending machine.

Oh, you hot now?

Your panties wet?

I didn't one-up you.

I have a shittier job than you.

Yeah, what the fuck kind of advice is that?

Don't be a one-upper?

To be fair, it was a good concept that she was too high to understand.

She was having a problem.

To be fair, yeah, like she probably went to bed about four in the morning, probably underneath a couple NBA, like the sixth man for the Sacramento Kings was probably pounding the shit out of her all night.

Then she tried to make it up with a couple of low-cal Red Bulls before she came in.

Let me tell you something about the brain.

When you have that fucking little Cox engine for a brain, like when you have – here's the thing.

When you're Teresa and you have a nice size brain shoved into your skull or ball brain or myself, pretty good power plant in there.

And what we can do is get almost no sleep and punch down a couple cups of coffee and slap a little water on her face and kind of get our shit together for a 10-minute radio interview.

But when you have that pop gun for a fucking brain, you can't do it.

Too early for her.

She was such a bitch.

Oh, God.