John Mulaney
👤 SpeakerAppearances Over Time
Podcast Appearances
Everything is cute and mispronounced.
My assistant Jay is Jay Joe.
The nanny Olga is old guy.
All right, T-Bone, how about some news, baby girl?
My parents are so fucking apathetic and so fucking lazy that they couldn't even get divorced.
Divorce is actually effort put toward a relationship.
If you think about it, it's an effort to separate and to finalize it.
But they're so fucking cheap and so lazy and so apathetic.
Just like not giving me a middle name, they realized getting divorced would be something, and we're about nothing.
So let's just leave each other.
Rightfully so.
Did they give you a reason?
They had nine months to pull something together.
But that's the whole point.
You're still at the hospital and the bloom is off the rose.
They haven't even taken you home yet.
It's always Kevin or Michael.
I've told this story before, but I talked to my dad and my mom and they gave the worst possible answer you could give.