John Mulaney

I'm never going to have to sit in a fucking tent stateside for three weeks.

So I'm going to make these sweeping proclamations about the safety of Americans being number one.

And on my watch, I don't, even if someone has to be inconvenienced, my number one job is the safety of the people in my community.

You know, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, votes, votes, votes, hero, hero, hero.

And he's going to go down, block a bridge and get

some ice cream.

Now I've got to go block a bridge and get some ice cream.

I need some soft swirl, and I've got to block a bridge.

If Ebola wasn't... He should end every news conference with that.

I need a soft swirl cone, and I've got to block a bridge.

And he just gets up and waits.

I'm going to block a bridge and block an artery.

Yeah, so this is perfect for politicians because no one's going to get it.

Statistically, you being killed by bees is much greater statistically for your demise from a...

Swarm of bees.

I'm sure when this whole thing blows over in this time period, there will be more people killed by bees and falling trees than there will be Ebola.

But this is great for politicians because politicians talking about bees and trees, it's no good.

They don't get any traction with that.

That's right.

Because it looks like a mortuary?