John Mulaney

That's called the family.

You get a good deadbolt and you all sit down for dinner every night and you impart your wisdom and values on your family.

Well, first off, use it as incentive.

How old are your kids?

All right.

So let's say by the time... Because, you know, you don't remember the first five years of your life, really.

I grew up... I was in a place called Seacane, Pennsylvania until I was, I don't know, five or six.

I don't have much of a memory other than, you know, violently being raped by a priest over and over again.

I don't have much memory of that.

It didn't stick with you.

It didn't stick with me.

The only memento I have of that is the prolapsed anus.

So...

I was able to get on with my life.

So why don't you make it a goal that by the time the, what, three-year-old?

Yes, sir.

Is entering the first grade, you guys would have flipped the house in Turlock and moved to a slightly better neighborhood.

That'll give you three years.

Yeah, that job makes it difficult, but I hear what you're saying.

Mayor of Turlock.