John Oliver

Yes, that's true. In fact, the heartwarming tale of my own immigrant past, titled, My Grandparents Were Slav or Something... Comes out next Friday. Thanks for the play.

Yes, that's true. In fact, the heartwarming tale of my own immigrant past, titled, My Grandparents Were Slav or Something... Comes out next Friday. Thanks for the play.

You're very welcome, John. John, why did this bill, once again, not even able to come up for a vote? Was the so-called amnesty issue just too toxic for the Republican base?

You're very welcome, John. John, why did this bill, once again, not even able to come up for a vote? Was the so-called amnesty issue just too toxic for the Republican base?

No, John. There was a larger concern here, one that my fellow television experts have picked up on.

No, John. There was a larger concern here, one that my fellow television experts have picked up on.

The immigration debate was at heart a public health issue. I'll be blunt, John. Illegal aliens have tuberculosis and leprosy.

The immigration debate was at heart a public health issue. I'll be blunt, John. Illegal aliens have tuberculosis and leprosy.

John... We're not... You can't... You can't possibly be talking about tuberculosis and leprosy. Chuck? Hey, John, yeah, we're talking about tuberculosis and leprosy.

John... We're not... You can't... You can't possibly be talking about tuberculosis and leprosy. Chuck? Hey, John, yeah, we're talking about tuberculosis and leprosy.

You heard what a person on television just said, John. Leprosy in this country. Incredible? Leprosy in this country. Alas, those words are as true now as they were when I said them just before Lou Dobbs did. Leprosy, John. Yes, its effects are already being felt. Look at this chart, John.

You heard what a person on television just said, John. Leprosy in this country. Incredible? Leprosy in this country. Alas, those words are as true now as they were when I said them just before Lou Dobbs did. Leprosy, John. Yes, its effects are already being felt. Look at this chart, John.

As you can see, in the last seven years, the average number of fingers per American hand has dropped off, while the number of fingers that have dropped off has risen dramatically. If this trend continues by 2015, well, you can see... what might happen.

As you can see, in the last seven years, the average number of fingers per American hand has dropped off, while the number of fingers that have dropped off has risen dramatically. If this trend continues by 2015, well, you can see... what might happen.

And that's because of illegal aliens. John, the chart is fundamentally wrong.

And that's because of illegal aliens. John, the chart is fundamentally wrong.

Well, John, you're right. It might not be hooves that Americans have in the future. It could be talons or claws of some kind. Data's still coming in, but the conclusion is inescapable. All Mexicans are lepers.

Well, John, you're right. It might not be hooves that Americans have in the future. It could be talons or claws of some kind. Data's still coming in, but the conclusion is inescapable. All Mexicans are lepers.

John, I cannot, in good conscience, allow this to go unchallenged. I'm sorry.

John, I cannot, in good conscience, allow this to go unchallenged. I'm sorry.