John Oliver

Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What is required here, sweeping changes in the way the church operates. That's why my second solution comes in, kill the mood. See, the Catholic Church is a far too sexy place.

Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What is required here, sweeping changes in the way the church operates. That's why my second solution comes in, kill the mood. See, the Catholic Church is a far too sexy place.

Oh, really? Well, yeah. But sexy? Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candlelight, wine, incense. The whole seductive dance creates a climate where all Catholics can do is think about sex and then hate themselves. So... I understand. Let's de-sexify. Instead of communion wine, make everyone drink a gallon of whole milk.

Oh, really? Well, yeah. But sexy? Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candlelight, wine, incense. The whole seductive dance creates a climate where all Catholics can do is think about sex and then hate themselves. So... I understand. Let's de-sexify. Instead of communion wine, make everyone drink a gallon of whole milk.

Instead of swinging around a censer full of the heady aroma of incense, hit them in the face with Febreze. Oh, God!

Instead of swinging around a censer full of the heady aroma of incense, hit them in the face with Febreze. Oh, God!

And you notice how it has completely diffused the sexual tension between us.

And you notice how it has completely diffused the sexual tension between us.

It was there. All right. Finally, the music. John, listen to this. Oh, boy. Put a sock over the church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me get my Febreze. No, please don't do that again. You sure? Yes. Fine. If you must have music, we have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John, but perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions. I get it.

It was there. All right. Finally, the music. John, listen to this. Oh, boy. Put a sock over the church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me get my Febreze. No, please don't do that again. You sure? Yes. Fine. If you must have music, we have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John, but perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions. I get it.

Don't get me wrong, John. Klezmer is great for scaring off Cossacks, but it is not. It is not smooch music, I think you'd agree. It is sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, John. Klezmer is great for scaring off Cossacks, but it is not. It is not smooch music, I think you'd agree. It is sometimes.

Well, that brings us to solution number three, John, accountability. Finally, there needs to be a system where guilty priests can unburden themselves by going into a small room and talking privately and then have a chance to atone for what they've done.

Well, that brings us to solution number three, John, accountability. Finally, there needs to be a system where guilty priests can unburden themselves by going into a small room and talking privately and then have a chance to atone for what they've done.

My idea is slightly different. Instead of wood-paneled walls, we would use reinforced concrete. Instead of a traditional confessional screen, we can increase transparency in the church with five-inch-thick bulletproof glass. And to ensure that this is a safe space for these priests, why not place a number of armed guards nearby?

My idea is slightly different. Instead of wood-paneled walls, we would use reinforced concrete. Instead of a traditional confessional screen, we can increase transparency in the church with five-inch-thick bulletproof glass. And to ensure that this is a safe space for these priests, why not place a number of armed guards nearby?

Well, you could call it that. I prefer to call it a maximum security monastery. Thank you very much. John Hodgman.

Well, you could call it that. I prefer to call it a maximum security monastery. Thank you very much. John Hodgman.

What's up? I'm John Leguizamo, hosting The Daily Show. And that's your phone, Mom.

What's up? I'm John Leguizamo, hosting The Daily Show. And that's your phone, Mom.