John Oliver

Whoa, John, what do you have against the American farmer? Are you some kind of East Coast elitist? What do you drink, Bud Light? Think about it, John. Under this system, the least privileged among us can charge the most for their most precious harvest. What? How? How? In what way? Well, you pay more for organic eggs, don't you? Well, congratulations, homeless people.

Whoa, John, what do you have against the American farmer? Are you some kind of East Coast elitist? What do you drink, Bud Light? Think about it, John. Under this system, the least privileged among us can charge the most for their most precious harvest. What? How? How? In what way? Well, you pay more for organic eggs, don't you? Well, congratulations, homeless people.

Under my new labeling laws, you may now call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting torso. Why, he can cash in his kidney for a new flat screen TV. Maybe a lung for a Prius. Or his other kidney for a dialysis machine. Or better yet, mortgage his whole lower body for a condominium.

Under my new labeling laws, you may now call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting torso. Why, he can cash in his kidney for a new flat screen TV. Maybe a lung for a Prius. Or his other kidney for a dialysis machine. Or better yet, mortgage his whole lower body for a condominium.

There, I just solved the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I fixed the economy. You're welcome.

There, I just solved the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I fixed the economy. You're welcome.

Really? Monstrous, John? Yes. I think it's quite beautiful. I'm sure you do. I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they drive or how much money they have in the bank. That's what's in here. And also, what's in there, John? Right here and down in this area. Oh, no. Oh, John, do you want to make some money?

Really? Monstrous, John? Yes. I think it's quite beautiful. I'm sure you do. I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they drive or how much money they have in the bank. That's what's in here. And also, what's in there, John? Right here and down in this area. Oh, no. Oh, John, do you want to make some money?

Because I could put you in touch with a guy. No, I don't. You're practically foie gras down there. That's the prime step.

Because I could put you in touch with a guy. No, I don't. You're practically foie gras down there. That's the prime step.

My first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to find a way of stopping these kinds of offenses before they happen. For example, look at priestly garments. Loose, flowing, open robes. These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now, adding a simple button fly...

My first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to find a way of stopping these kinds of offenses before they happen. For example, look at priestly garments. Loose, flowing, open robes. These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now, adding a simple button fly...

May seem like a small thing, but it would give everyone just a little bit more time to calm down and or run.

May seem like a small thing, but it would give everyone just a little bit more time to calm down and or run.

Is that... Does that... No, no, John. Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention. Altar chimps.

Is that... Does that... No, no, John. Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention. Altar chimps.

I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and humans share 96% of the DNA. But crucially, not the 4% that is sexually attractive to priests. I see. Interesting.

I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and humans share 96% of the DNA. But crucially, not the 4% that is sexually attractive to priests. I see. Interesting.

I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate. And in the unlikely attempt of an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off.

I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate. And in the unlikely attempt of an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off.