John Robbins

So I don't know whether it makes the book more fun to read or less, but I'm discovering stuff as I'm going.

So I'll be writing like, oh, this thing's just come back to me.

This might be quite important.

So I'll tell you about it.

And I was thinking about when I would have been about 12, moved in with my stepdad, and it was difficult.

He had his own stuff going on, and I was very just...

you know um feeling quite all at sea a bit uprooted and i just went into the garage one day while my mum and him were out i saw this can of petrol next to the lawnmower and i was like i like the smell of petrol and because it's quite a nice smell in a bad way yeah and um

just opened up the can and smelt it.

It was like, you know, like people do with tennis balls or cut grass or whatever it is.

And then I was just, the more I did it, I got really lightheaded.

And then I just, you know, just started breathing it in.

and that went on for quite a while that when i was on my own i would sort of do this and it you know do not anyone listening do never ever do this because it's can be where it's really dangerous but you know it's just so you hallucinate you go to space and then you wake up and it's like

Oh, I like not being in my head.

I like being in space.

Sobriety is about finding a way to be in my head and not to try and escape whatever that discomfort I have with life.

And as you said at the start, it's difficult because it requires me to change.

And there are lots of different tools that I have to cope with being alive, which for whatever reason I have found difficult.

And, you know, therapy, meditation, 12-step recovery, exercise, writing.

You just build up this...

So I've maybe got like 12 things I can go to before I go to alcohol.