Jon Stewart

If you remember in Mission Impossible, Tom Cruise running after that storm, ahead of that storm, that's a haboot.

See, now I get what you're talking about.

I would understand the news a lot more if they told me what Tom Cruise movie it pertains to.

I need them on the news like what America is doing here is like an impossible mission, like Tom Cruise in the movie Magnolia.

So now we all understand, haboob means sandstorm.

So you can keep your minds out of the gutter.

And just so you know, after the haboob, there will be a bukkake of rain coming in.

These are all weather terms.

But okay, aside from this dust storm developing into a voluptuous woman, how's the war going?

President Trump in the Oval Office yesterday said he's already won the war.

We've won this.

This war has been won.

You don't like to say you won a war?

Isn't that why you fight a war?

Be proud of yourself, Mr. President.

You ended another war.

And this is the one that you started.

That's like double points, you know?

But you heard the man.

We won this war.