Jordan Klepper

In fact, texting those words makes the iPhone send little bomber jets across the screens.

Regardless, an investigation couldn't hurt.

Pete, I assume you would be happy to cooperate.

Oh, you know, that sounds innocent to me.

Look, I have nothing to hide.

See, there's my phone.

See?

It's right there.

Clearly, clearly, clearly there are a lot of outstanding questions at the Defense Department that investigative reporters could get to the bottom of.

Unfortunately, last month they banned any journalist who didn't agree to only publish what the government allowed them to publish.

But don't worry, because the DOD just welcomed in a new crop of approved journalists.

Let's see who the new fresh faces are.

Matt Gaetz is a reporter now?

This feels like when you're watching an episode of Law and Order and you're like, wait a second, that grieving father played a defense lawyer three seasons ago.

Yes, the entire Pentagon press corps has been replaced by MAGA personalities.

You got Matt Gaetz, Laura Loomer, James O'Keefe, Jack Posobiec.

And if you know who all these people are, I am begging you, please get offline.

Touch grass or snow or whatever.

A little bit of moss.

Whatever is lying on the ground outside right now, dog shit, really anything.