Jordan Klepper

Yes.

It's obviously a Christmas tree, even if you don't say it.

No one sees this and thinks, the tree of the dark lord Cthulhu comes earlier and earlier every year.

Maybe they just forgot to say the word Christmas.

This time of year, people forget shit.

Haven't you seen Home Alone?

The parents in that movie are so busy with Christmas, they forget to find competent assassins to murder their son.

It's worth a watch.

I think the real story here is that Portland is putting up a Christmas tree at all.

I'm surprised it's not a non-denominational indigenous pop-up matcha cafe with a star on top.

But despite these indignities, don't think Christmas is defeated yet.

In fact, our very own president has just released a new product to keep everyone proudly in the Christmas spirit.

Well, now you can with Trump Tinsel.

Trump Tinsel?

Trump Tinsel is eco-friendly, made right here in the USA, and looks great on any tree.

But what really sets Trump Tinsel apart is that it's the only tinsel that's been upcycled from 100% genuine Epstein files.

That's right.

We took the only copy of the Epstein files in existence and ran it through an industrial shredder.

And now what's left of them can be yours for just $49.99.

President Trump promised to release the Epstein files, but he never said how.