Jordan Klepper

that no one will get mad at me about, okay?

When it comes to spending money on Christmas decorations, you're gonna be saying, oh, shiite, Rama, damn, that feels good.

Remember, you promised you wouldn't get mad at me.

Of course, if you are, for some reason, unwilling to exploit an entire religion to save a few bucks, then consider saving green on an evergreen by getting one of these.

Oh, huh?

Boom.

Man, these smell like the perfect combination of pine tree and headache.

And unlike those bulky fake Chinese trees, these fit anywhere, whether you live in a big house in the suburbs or in a Nissan Cube parked outside of Secaucus Mall waiting for the food court guys to pay me.

Hey, hey, where's my money, J-dubs?

Moving on.

Looks like Chef Boyardee just became a luxury item.

Now that's bad news for six-year-olds and even worse news for divorced dads like your boy.

What you gotta remember is pasta is really just a delivery system for sauce, which is why I'm seeing this as a pasta-tunity, introducing Papa Costa's reusable spaghetti cloths.

Sucking the sauce out of our world-class pasta cloths will have you saying, what the am I doing?

Is this what my life has become?

Meese sucking marinara out of shredded hospital sheets.

I had everything going for me.

Looks, brains, a solid four inches.

I didn't even know they had those.

And now society treats you like you're some criminal unworthy of a seventh chance.