Jovan Afzali

Or Jovan? All right, let me know if this makes you laugh. Okay, so I... Okay, so I went to get a physical the other day, right? And I get to the doctors, and I show them my insurance card, and they're like, oh, with your insurance, we can only check your sight and your weight. So they took me in the back, and they made me look in a mirror and just guess how fat I was.

I'm like, oh, oh, I'm not that fat. Okay, and they're like, you're definitely gonna need glasses. Okay. So there was a lot of hot girls at the library today, but I didn't talk to any of them because it's hard to be charming when you have to whisper. So instead I just sat down next to one and I read eating pussy for dummies and vigorously highlighted.

I swear to God, man, if one more person says I look exactly like George Floyd, I'm gonna lose my shit. Um, you know me, I'm just a classic incel. One time I had sex with a blow-up doll on an air mattress. I've never been more out of breath. Holy shit. Wow. Jovan Afzali, ladies and gentlemen.

Four years, yeah. Four years. All of it here in Austin? Yeah. No, two years in Austin, two years in Albany. That's where I'm from, New York.

Wow. Congratulations on getting out of there. What do you do for work? I'm a cook at like a sushi restaurant nearby. Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah.

I see your point.

Hell yeah. Well, it wasn't my first choice, yeah. I wanted to be a hibachi cook. It's the only job where you get to throw shrimp into black guys' mouths and nobody bats an eye. Wow. Here we go. So I went sushi.

No, I'm a prep cook, and the sauce guy just got fired today, so I got moved up to sauces, yeah. Wow! Yes. Sauce guy. Do you know why the sauce guy got fired? It's a big mystery, but I can only guess, you know, yeah. Probably putting... What would you guess? Probably putting bad stuff in the sauce, yeah. There you go. No doubt about it. That's exactly what I was thinking.

That's fucking corny. That's fucking corny. What the fuck?

Oh, there's this really good one. It's like edamame with jalapenos in it. And it's like, we call it EDJ. And it's like, I don't know, it's delicious. Why do you call it EDJ? Edamame jalapeno, dipshit.

I see your point, yeah. I see your point. I'm sorry for overreacting. Yeah, you're goddamn fucking right you are.

Oh, come on.

23.

Yeah, come on.

I did 20 minutes on my local Funny Bone once upon a time, yeah. Wow, 20 minutes, and he kind of looks like a bitch.

Yeah, so I've noticed there's a lot of gold diggers in this city, right? You have to be careful. I overheard these two girls. One of them said she would fuck any guy with a job and a boat. So I snuck up behind her. I was like, hey, what could I get with a canoe and an internship? Anything? Okay. No, it's tough to find true love, it is, because it's not all based off looks. Love is blind.

You know what it's not? Nose blind. My girlfriend smells like shit. I put my thumb in her belly button and her butthole, I pulled it out, it smelled exactly the same. What's going on? Okay, no. I don't actually have a girlfriend. Sometimes I like to make up imaginary girlfriends. Right now I'm dating this black girl. Her name's Double Entendre.

She's really kind, but she makes me do weird things in the bedroom. Like she'll make me do black face and she'll do white face. So then we 69 and it looks like ying yang. It's kind of like, you know, it's kind of weird. And she's always telling me, she's like, Joven, bring food in the bedroom, but I'm out of whipped cream. So I'm like, okay, I have caramelized onions and Swiss cheese.

So I'll spit on her. I'm like, who's my little patty melt? Four? Okay. All right, thanks. Thank you. All right.

Afghanistan, yeah.

Yeah, my dad's from there. I'm half, yeah.

Yeah, she's white. And it's Jovan. Jovan, yeah. Jovan. Yeah.

Jovan.

Not real, one bit, yeah.

Nope, no. All right, what do you do for work? I'm like a line cook, yeah.

About five years in total, I think.

Let's see, two years back in Albany is where I'm from, and then two and a half years here, I think.

Yeah, it's quite lovely here, but the summers get to me. I get stupid and hot, so hot and bothered or whatever you call it. Yeah, they're hot. But yeah, it's a nice place. Yeah, summers are hot.

It's Nina Simone. Oh, okay. But when I wear it, it kind of looks like Aunt Jemima, but yeah.

Well, right now I just started at this Asian place, but usually I do, like, Italian food, yeah.

I like to mix it up. New restaurants, new flavors. Yeah, you never know.

Well, I literally just started. Like, I staged, like, yesterday, and I got the job, so I'll start this week, yeah.

Well, I had another interview because I need a second job. So, yeah.

I love playing chess lately, and I like to go dancing, so those kind of fill my time. You're a dancer? No, I'm not a dancer. I like to go dancing, though. What type of dancing? I'll just kind of wiggle.

Give them something, folks. What kind of dancing? I like Indian trap music. It's pretty cool.

I'll do that for like 45 minutes, and then I'll leave. Wow.

Oh, he's 90% sure I'm gay, but you know.

Yeah, welcome to my world.

Yeah. He's not like, thank God, but he's like... Yeah, he's more like, thank Allah.

I like grumpy Asian girls would be ideal.

I mean, I'm not going to stretch my eyes out, but... You don't have to do that.

Why are you talking to me? Something like that. Or, um... Why do you have boobs? I don't know. Um... Kick me, please. Uh...

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.