Julie Menanno

It's better just to kind of shut it all down.

And either get defensive and try to get them to see they're wrong or change the subject or just shut down completely and don't talk about it.

Well, then that leaves the anxious partner feeling unseen and invalidated.

And then they get bigger.

And then the avoidant partner now feels unseen and invalidated and whatever else.

And then they, you know, go into their position more rigidly.

And then we have these cycles and it's like,

Once a couple can actually see the cycle and map it out and recognize, oh my God, no matter what we're talking about when we fight, we're going, we're having the same pattern.

So.

Well, first we need to understand why, why are you needing to get defensive?

Right.

What, what, what unmet needs are you experiencing in this moment that,

And what emotional pain is around that unmet need that your body is kind of just just really without even thinking about it going into defending.

Right.

So I want to help you just I don't want to say like, don't be defensive.

That's not going to get you anybody anywhere.

It's like you understand what you're needing to not have to be defensive.

Right.

And then once we figure out what they're needing, they're able to kind of express that more clearly.

And then, you know, we also need to recognize why the other person might be showing up in a way that is eliciting that defense.