Kati Morton

And when I talk about the blueprint, what I mean is that to your point, John, that like when we're raised, we could have been told kids are supposed to be seen, not heard, right?

So essentially sit down and shut up.

And so as children, we don't know anything about love, connection, conflict, respect.

What does that mean?

All of these terms, all of these relational dynamics are new to us.

And so what we're doing as we're told and shown different ways of interacting with each other is we're drawing this blueprint.

So we're putting together, okay, this is what it means to be loved.

This is what it means to get attention.

This is how I get attention.

And this is how I get the attention that I really need.

This is how

ideal conflict this is how I tell someone I'm upset all this stuff is we're absorbing it and we're putting it into our blueprint for relationships going forward now as we go out into the world and for better for worse I feel like no one comes out with a perfect blueprint I know apparently try our best whatever we can do we do the best we can but no one's blueprint is perfect and

The healing part of the part when people find themselves in my office or when you found yourself in a therapist's office, a lot of it has to do with figuring out what that blueprint is because we've often just been autopiloting it for years.

I know I did that.

I didn't realize that I felt like I had to...

earn love and attention.

I write in the book about how my father worked away from home a lot because he thought his biggest role or the most important role was to provide because he grew up very poor.

And my grandpa had a dirt floor when he was growing up.

And so my family, they were farmers and they came from nothing.

And so the men thought that was their duty.